The Power Of Empathic Statements

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foreign Russell and this is social skills coaching brought to you by Newton Media Group and Patrick King stick around and learn to be more likable more charismatic and more productive today is Tuesday April 18th. one of the primary tasks for us as we strive to be better people is to develop our empathy and beyond that use our empathy in powerful and appropriate ways specifically we're going to be talking about how to use empathic statements to connect with others and build stronger relationships this from Patrick King's book train your empathy Having sympathy means feeling pity for someone else’s misfortune. It means feeling sorry for them (note, these are feelings you experience in response to someone else’s situation). Having empathy, however, means understanding their feelings. It is a question of perspective-taking and of feeling with someone rather than standing outside their experience, looking in and being aware only of your own emotional response to it.

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Sympathy can increase the distance between people; empathy can shorten it. What to Say, What Not to Say Renowned shame researcher and author Brene Brown says, “Rarely can a response make something better; what makes something better is connection." This means that if we’re ever talking to someone and unsure if what we’re about to say will help, we can ask whether it comes from a place of acknowledging their emotions (empathy), or if it’s simply a reflection of our own (sympathy). We can ask whether what we say creates more or less emotional connection. Take a look at a few things to avoid saying.

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Avoid Deflecting In other words, turning the conversation away from the difficult or painful thing that has just been shared. People can do this because they feel uncomfortable with the emotions shared, or uncomfortable with their own ability to do anything to help. This awkwardness is their emotion, however, and in letting it lead, the other person can feel embarrassed, alone, and even insulted. Examples: A: “I’ve had the worst day of my life. I just want to get in bed and never get out again .

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. ." B: “Woah, that, uh . . .

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that sounds rough. By the way, did you remember to pick up milk?" A: “After she said that, I’ve never been the same again, to be honest." B: “I’m sorry to hear that. Women, huh! Are you getting the next round?"

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A: “Sometimes, I wonder what it’s all about, you know? Like, would anyone actually care if I wasn’t here anymore . . .?" B: “Yeah." (silence) “Well, I think I’d better be going.

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I’ll let you get back to your work—good luck!" Avoid Diminishing When we diminish, we witness another person’s emotion and willfully reflect it back to them much smaller than it really is. We do this because of our emotional response, not theirs: We might sincerely wish their experience was less awful, or we think we can help by staying optimistic and drawing attention to the upsides. But this instinct can backfire since from the other person’s perspective, it sounds like, “You have no right to feel how you do,” or even, “Your perception is wrong, i.e., you are wrong." Examples: A: “It was a really traumatic birth, and I don’t think I’m quite over it yet."

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B: “Well, be glad you only had the one. My neighbor had triplets!" A: “I’m beginning to seriously wonder how we’re going to survive the next few months financially . . ."

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B: “Don’t be silly, you’ll be fine. You have a roof over your head and food on the table; that’s more than some." A: “I’m devastated. I don’t know how I can go on." B: “You poor thing! You’ve had a little break up, that’s all.

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We’ve all been there. You’ll get through it." Avoid Dismissing It can take a lot of bravery and trust to open up to someone, and most people willfully keep quiet about things if they think they don’t warrant any attention. So, if someone shares something personal with you, it is a big deal, end of story. When we dismiss, we are essentially saying, “This doesn’t matter,” and throwing that person’s courage back in their face.

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Again, we can do this sometimes because we have good intentions and want to downplay the hurt or hurry along to find a solution without hearing the emotional content being shared. Examples: A: “I’ve had it. I’m cutting all of them out of my life forever, I’m serious!" B: “Just calm down, okay?" A: “So now I’m really wondering if I can trust her at all.

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Has my whole marriage to her been a lie?" B: “Come on, I think you’re exaggerating a bit there." A: “I just want to die." B: “Oh, is it that time of the month again?" Avoid Leading Questions Remember that empathic listening is non-judgmental and non-directional.

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But if you ask a leading question, it’s deliberately pushing the conversation in the direction you want it to go, i.e., asking a question with a clear idea of what you’d like the answer to be. This puts the other person in a spot, telling them how they’re supposed to feel . . . while ignoring how they actually do.

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A: “It’s been such a difficult time for us all." B: “But you’re doing better now, right?" A: “I’ve never been angrier at a person in my life." B: “What do you think it would take to forgive him?" A: “I miss her every day."

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B: “It’s been quite a long time now, hasn’t it?" Avoid Advice or Personal Anecdotes Responding to a person’s statement about themselves with a personal anecdote is just a way to say, “That’s nice . . . but let’s talk about me!” It may feel like a useful interjection, and in your mind, you may well wish to point out the connection or the shared experience, but in almost all cases, the other person is not interested in what someone else has felt or done—they are immersed in their experience.

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Likewise, giving advice can create distance because it sets you above them as an all-knowing expert. What’s more, when a person shares their emotions with you, they primarily want to be seen and heard, not fixed. A: “And then she said she wanted to spend some time apart! Can you believe it?!" B: “I remember when your mother and I were having troubles back in the day . .

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." A: “. . . and we’ve been really struggling with everyone’s health this year.

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It seems like we are all run down and completely exhausted . . ." B: “Zinc. You’ve got to supplement with zinc, trust me.

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It’s the best immune support. Plus, I’ve been drinking this nettle tea every day, and I haven’t had a cold for ages." A: “This is the second time I’ve been in the bottom third of the class, and it’s really starting to get to me. What if I’m actually not cut out for any of this?" B: “I think you should speak to a careers counselor."

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As you can see, in each of the above examples, there is a major empathy fail because Speaker B has not managed to see, hear, and reflect back Speaker A’s emotional reality. Either they dismiss or diminish it, or they invalidate it by trying to lead the conversation elsewhere or insert their own opinions and advice. Well, so much for what not to do. Let’s look at how to provide empathic statements, and exactly what to say. Acknowledge Their Courage “Thank you for sharing this with me.

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I’m glad you trust me enough to confide in me." “I know it’s not easy to talk about this stuff . . . but I’m so glad you did."

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“Well, you spoke up, and that took courage. You should be proud of yourself!" Ask Empathic Questions As we explored in a previous section, ask questions with the intention of understanding more and gaining clarity rather than leading or inserting your own judgments and opinions. “How do you feel about all this?" “Can you tell me more about X?"

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“I want to understand—why did X happen?" You can also use emotion labels to ask questions that not only clarify but reflect and ask the other person if you’re properly hearing them. “You say XYZ, and I wonder if that means you’re feeling very ABC. Have I understood that right?" Compliment Their Character When someone is distressed, they may feel overwhelmed, confused, or seriously doubtful of their own worth and abilities.

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They may also worry about how they’re coping and may carry some shame about how they feel. If you can confirm to them that they do indeed possess positive characteristics and that they’re doing just fine, you can offer an enormous sense of encouragement and relief. Importantly, this is not just saying, “Don’t worry! You’ll be fine!” It’s more about realistically recognizing how they’re coping in the here and now, and that you have faith in them. “Well, this has certainly been a very difficult situation, but I think you’ve handled it with a lot of strength and courage." “It’s not been easy, but I’m impressed with your perseverance."

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“I think you’re doing such a good job of handling things right now." Show You Care The simplest and most obvious statements you can make! “I’m here for you. Any time you need to talk, just get in touch." “What can I do to help?"

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“We’re all on your side, and we care so much about you." Offering empathic statements may feel a little awkward at first, but the more you practice, the easier it gets. Just remember that you need to stay sincere, be authentic, and let your words come from a genuine place of interest in the other person’s emotional world. An Empathic Statement Formula Stay attentive and curious. During an empathic conversation, of course you want to react naturally in the moment, but it doesn’t hurt to have a rough guide to structure your statements so that you’re sure you’re covering all the bases.

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The following step-by-step process can be a great starting point, but you’ll want to tweak it depending on the circumstances. Step 1: Use short words and phrases to signal encouragement and attention (obviously, adjust the expressions to fit your own context and choose what fits naturally!). “Wow!" “Hmmm." “Uh huh."

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“Oh my God." “Yikes!" Step 2: Show your identification with a phrase that acknowledges and labels the emotional content being shared with you. “That must be . .

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. (really disappointing/strange/a tricky situation)." “That is . . .

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(unfortunate/stressful/outrageous)." “It can be so . . . (heartbreaking to lose a pet/frustrating when you get ill/hard when relatives push boundaries)."

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“It’s hard to . . . (deal with loss/stay calm at a time like this/ask for help)." “What a .

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. . (shame/tough time you’ve had/challenge)." As before, try to avoid diagnosing the problem, passing judgment, or putting words in the other person’s mouth. Use close synonyms, and be careful about making assumptions (for example, “You must be devastated,” when the person hasn’t expressed anything to suggest that’s what they feel).

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Remember the emotion wheel and, if it’s possible, try to match the intensity of certain emotions to mirror what the person is sharing with you. If, for example, the person is mildly irritated, notice this and reflect it by saying, “It can be so annoying dealing with airline companies,” rather than, “You must be so enraged right now!" Observe and notice the words they are using, and then reflect back with an emotion word that indicates the intensity, or else use terms like “a little,” “somewhat,” or “kind of” to check in with just how much of this emotion they’re actually experiencing. Step 3: Finish with either: • a small detail to show that you were paying attention • a question to invite them to direct the conversation as they see fit • or an action/suggested action to bring the conversation to a conclusion For example: •“Wow. That must be such a weird position to be in.

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To realize that you have so much in common with your boyfriend’s ex—right down to the same name spelt the same way! It’s one L in your name, right? I know that’s not a common spelling, which is what makes it even more bizarre . . ." •“Unbelievable.

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What an unfair thing for your brother to have said to you. What do you think you’re going to do now?" •“Gosh, I’m so sorry to hear all this. Would it help if I gave you a call tomorrow at around three just to see how you’re doing?" The other person will let you know when they’re ready to let the conversation come to a close, but you play your part by summarizing what you’ve heard (summarizing is just another form of reflecting) and either offering an action or suggesting a possible action they can take (remembering not to give advice).

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Actions always speak louder than words. If someone says, “To be frank, I’m feeling awful right now and I just want to be on my own,” then the best way to communicate your empathy is to respect what they say and leave them alone. Words are cheap, but you may find yourself in a situation where your kind actions are worth more. Offer to give them a lift home, organize an appointment, make excuses for them at the party, give them a hug, or fetch your favorite ice cream from the corner store, for example. In closing, here are a few other useful statements you might like to use, depending on the situation at hand.

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“It sounds as though you did everything you could." “I can see that this hasn’t been easy for you." “You’re holding up really well considering what you’ve been dealing with." “If it were me, I’d feel exactly the same way!" “I hear you."

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“That makes sense." “I’m sure I can’t understand exactly what you’re going through, but I am here, and I am listening." “In your position, anyone would do the same." “It’s no wonder you feel this way." “I think I’m beginning to understand .

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. ." One thing not to say? “I know how you feel." It might be true, but nobody wants to hear it, and no matter how sincere you may be, it is an overused phrase that will only come across as trite. Nonviolent Communication/NVC All throughout the book so far, we have focused on how to have more empathy: read fiction, acknowledge your own biases, and learn to really listen and reflect with curiosity when people share their stories with you.

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However, empathy is not just a passive state of mind we adopt, but also a guiding principle behind everything we do. In this section, we’ll be looking at how to take our newly developed capacity for empathy and test-drive it in the place where it’s most needed: conflict. It is during the spontaneous back-and-forth between two people of different perspectives that we realize we don’t just need to have empathy, but to show it. When you communicate with empathy, everything changes. In this chapter, we’ll explore the fascinating world of nonviolent communication (hereafter NVC), which is a model and theory of human communication first introduced by social worker and therapist Dr. Marshall Rosenberg.

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Using the techniques we’ll explore below, Dr. Rosenberg helped mitigate conflict-ridden discussions in war-torn countries like Serbia and Rwanda and all over the Middle East. According to him, NVC is a way to peacefully and respectfully communicate our own needs whilst having enough empathy and compassion for the needs of those we’re communicating with. Rosenberg believed that we are all capable of empathy . . .

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but that we don’t always know the best strategy for expressing it! In fact, even when we intend to be compassionate and understanding, we may still communicate “violently” because we don’t know any better. As you read, you’ll probably notice how many of the approaches/techniques align well with the principles of listening, reflecting, and perspective-taking we identified above. It is one thing to empathically listen as another person shares their emotions with you, but quite another when you also have emotions, and they are interacting in difficult ways with another person’s. This is where we need a skill above and beyond empathy—we need to understand our perspective, their perspective, and how the two are going to harmoniously cooperate with one another.

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To use NVC, we must always remember to: • Be mindful and responsible in the way we use words to communicate our needs • Constantly try to establish and maintain contact with the other person—our main goal is connection and understanding, not to assert, dominate, or “win” • Seek to first understand but also make yourself understood • Stay alert in case you slip into conflictual language again The NVC model is simple and contains four components/steps: 1. Observations 2. Feelings 3. Needs 4. Requests Observations The first major step, and one often overlooked, is to objectively become aware of the facts of the situation—and separate them out from interpretations, assumptions, and judgments about those facts. This seems simple on the surface but can be tricky in real life. Can you describe, with complete neutrality, what is happening or what has happened? What would a neutral third-party observer see if they were filming the situation with a camera? We start with a neutral observing step so that we can orient both parties of the conversation in the same universe, seeking the common ground they both stand on.

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If you lead immediately with your own perspective (even if it’s not “violent” per se), you are triggering a defensive reaction in the other person, and connection is lost. You don’t necessarily have to agree on everything at the very outset, but you need to settle on a few basic shared facts before proceeding. Here's an example. You’re on vacation abroad visiting a new place with your partner, who is complaining bitterly about everything from the food to the weather to the crowds. You’re getting frustrated.

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A neutral observation might be: “We’ve tried six restaurants in a row and you didn’t want to eat at any of them. It’s too late now to get lunch, and we’re both hungry." Another might be: “You haven’t liked any of the new food we’ve tried since arriving here." However, it is less of an observation and more of a judgment or interpretation if we say, “I’m sick of how difficult you’re being. I don’t know why you want to ruin this vacation for us,” or, “Why are you such a stick-in-the-mud? You never, ever want to try anything new!"

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The best way to test whether your observations are truly neutral is to ask whether the other person would agree with them. Feelings Of course, we all have our own unique take on the objective event that unfolded. Here, consider what you and the other person are feeling. Just as we did with the emotion wheel, try to name the feeling as well as locate it on the body, and understand its intensity and direction. According to Rosenberg, all feelings arise in connection with our needs, met or unmet.

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In fact, a big part of the reason we communicate at all is because we are seeking, in one way or another, to have our needs met. Therefore, if we want to communicate effectively, we need to understand the needs hidden beneath every emotion, and everything expressed in communication. Again, this is not always easy. It is very tempting, for example, to confuse how we feel with how we think we should feel, or what we believe others are making us feel. We need to be extra careful that in expressing our feelings, we are not implicating someone else or interpreting their behavior.

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At the same time, we can’t be confused about other people’s feelings and mistake them for our own. We need to take responsibility for our own feelings . . . and only our own feelings.

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Rosenberg cautions against “false feelings” that wrongly implicate the other person. For example: “I feel that nothing I suggest is ever good enough for you." “I feel put on the spot." “I feel that you’re being unfair." Just because something follows the words “I feel” doesn’t mean it’s a genuine feeling.

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In the above cases, the other person is very likely to hear an attack—the “feelings” are positioning them as unpleasable, unfair, or doing something to put the other person on the spot. Can you imagine anyone agreeing with this? Again, it only creates resistance. The goal is to express how you feel without making it about the other person. In other words, don’t package up your own feelings with value judgments, blame, or interpretations about the other person. Instead, for example, you could say: “I’m so frustrated."

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“I feel really disappointed." “I feel angry." When it comes to this step of the process, keep things short and sweet and focus solely on what you feel. Can you put it in one or two words only? Needs After you’ve touched base with shared objective facts and then expressed how you feel, it’s time to consider the needs of everyone in the situation.

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What are your needs here? Are they being met or not? What are the needs of the other person? Are they being met or not? Sometimes, it can be tricky to identify concrete needs; it may be easier to think in terms of what is important to each person and what they hold valuable. A need could be something simple (like the need for privacy or the need for help with a specific task), or it can be more general (the need to feel appreciated, or the need to feel that one’s contribution is valued by the group). Often, there is a mix of big and small needs motivating us in any situation—it may take a conflict to show us what we never thought of as a need before!

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Importantly, every human being shares a basic need in conversation for empathic connection, for social harmony, for validation, and for healing contact with those around us. So, even if it is not very clear what needs are going unmet, it is a safe assumption that in all cases, people are driven to connect, be seen, and find harmonious solutions. Another important point is that we shouldn’t confuse needs with strategies to meet those needs. For example, someone might have a need for a feeling of routine, predictability, and structure. This need may be going unmet because their workplace is chaotic and stressful.

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To try to meet their needs anyway, they become anxious perfectionists, trying to micromanage every detail and create a little order. It would be a mistake, however, to say that this person has a “need for perfection." The perfectionism is just a strategy (that may, incidentally, not be working all that well!). The deeper need is for routine and structure. When we communicate, we need to address the need beneath the feeling.

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If we only engage with the strategy, we are dealing with a superficiality and will not reach a genuine resolution to any conflict. How do you know what is a strategy and what is a need? The big clue is this: needs are universal, and strategies are not; strategies tend to be more specific and situation dependent. Every human being has some degree of need for routine and structure in life; not every human being needs perfectionism. During this step, you express your needs in relation to the feeling you identified in the previous step. If you felt frustrated, you could say, “I feel frustrated because I have a need to eat lunch at a certain time or I get lightheaded and grumpy,” or, “I feel disappointed because it’s important to me that I make the best of my vacation time and enjoy myself.

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Having a good time also makes me feel like our relationship is solid and that we’re happy." Again, we need to guard against allowing judgment or interpretation to sneak in: “I need you to be less indecisive." Requests Finally, given that we have communicated our perception of the situation, our feelings about it, and what we need, now comes the part where we ask that those needs are met. This is, of course, a big part of why we communicate in the first place—we are trying to create some kind of change in the world that would support our needs. But this is an important step because it’s the first time we deliberately ask that someone accommodate our needs.

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A request is not a demand or an obligation for the other person. You may have expressed yourself perfectly and have a valid claim, but it is still just a request—which means it can be turned down. In the final step, ask for something concrete that speaks to all three of the previous steps. For example, “I’d like to go back to that restaurant we just passed by and have lunch there,” or, “I need a little time to cool off. Perhaps we can spend tomorrow exploring the city on our own and meet up again on Thursday."

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Importantly, we take responsibility for meeting our own needs. It is up to us to know what we want and need and to share that clearly, without expecting others to mindread. A request is an invitation for someone else to help you meet your clearly identified need. That may be by doing something concrete themselves or allowing you to do something concrete. These requests are best when given as simple, concrete actions that a person can take immediately, and framed as something you want rather than something you don’t want (although it may be necessary to sometimes set a boundary or say no in this way).

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A request can begin with words like, could you, can you, please, or variations on I’d like it if . . . Framing things as a question communicates that you are asking, not telling. Avoid requests that are: • Too vague (“Can you be less difficult?”) • Impossible to fulfil (“I really want that closed restaurant to be open right now.”) • Framed as what you don’t want rather than what you want (“Please stop whining.”) • Framed as demands or even threats (“Just stop talking or I swear I’m walking away.”) You might be wondering, what if the other person refuses the request? Well, it’s a possibility.

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However, you will know that you have done everything in your power to communicate clearly and respectfully. When faced with someone’s unwillingness to help you meet reasonable needs, you must make a decision. Human beings are interconnected, and we all lean on one another in order to get our universal needs met. That said, we are all responsible as individuals for meeting our own needs as far as possible. It is my responsibility to ask for what I need.

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It is not my responsibility to decide what the other person’s response to these requests is. It is my responsibility to find people and situations that meet my needs—and move away from circumstances that continually undermine my ability to have these needs met. Once you speak up while on your vacation, the other person may hear you and respond positively, agreeing to take actions that will meet your needs (because they care about you, after all!). On the other hand, they may refuse to do so. If this happens repeatedly, you may decide that you are unwilling to have a relationship with someone who is expressly uninterested in meeting your reasonable requests.

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Either way, you have diffused conflict and moved the situation to a workable resolution. None of this is possible without empathy. In NVC, you always have a choice, and you can always allow empathy to guide you in this way. When the Shoe Is on the Other Foot Respect, as they say, is a two-way street. We can communicate our own feelings and needs with empathy and understanding.

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But the other side of this skill is to hear other people’s requests with the same empathy and understanding. In NVC, we express honestly, but we also receive empathically. Obviously, few people are going to be well-versed in Rosenberg’s NVC techniques. So, we have to give people the benefit of the doubt and work with what we have. If in a conflict someone is upset or not making much sense, we can take the initiative and encourage them to express themselves along the four components as described above.

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We can start by focusing them on the shared, neutral common ground. State your own observations as best as you can and make a point of checking in with them to signal your willingness to find a shared starting point. “Have I got that right?” or, “Would you agree with that?" If they share some facts that are mixed up with emotional interpretations and distortions, take the time to model a non-judgmental perspective and reflect back to them only those parts of their expression that are genuinely factual. “You were totally rude to show up at the time you did."

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“Okay, I hear you. So we can agree that I arrived too late." Once you’ve established some common ground, take the lead by sharing your own feelings and then inviting them to do the same—and listen to what they say. Here, the emotion wheel can help, and if it’s appropriate, you could focus the conversation by offering tentative labels. “It seems like this has made you pretty angry,” or, “I’d like to understand what’s going on with you right now—can you tell me how you’re feeling?"

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Do the same when it comes to needs. Even when people are hurt or upset, you may be surprised at how ready they are to follow suit if you can take the lead and model a focus on needs rather than placing blame. You could also ask them outright, “What do you need right now?" You may need to pry a little (use that magical word “why”) and use your powers of genuine curiosity to get to the root of what they’re really needing in this conflict. Naturally, you will need to suspend your own ego for a time—especially if what they’re expressing makes you feel guilty or uncomfortable.

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Finally, remember that the conversation is not just about you getting your needs met, but about them getting theirs met, too. You can combine these—for example, “I think moving forward I would like to start these meetings a lot later in the afternoons so I can get to them more promptly. Do you think that’s something you could do? Or is there something else you’d like to try?" As you talk, you can’t go wrong with deliberately and frequently signaling your intention to meet both your needs, to connect harmoniously, and to understand them while being understood yourself: “I’m on your side." “Please help me understand .

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. ." “I’d like to figure this out." “Can we find a solution that works for us both?" “Please help me understand all this from your point of view."

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“I’m listening." Finally, one key skill: gracefully accepting a “no." If you respectfully make a reasonable request, and someone respectfully and reasonably denies it, then there is nothing to do but accept it. Do not get angry or upset. Sometimes, the most empathic thing we can do for someone is believe them when they tell us no.

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let's take a moment to summarize what we've heard in today's episode in empathic communication we should always seek to understand first and to create connection empathic statements can help but avoid deflecting dismissing diminishing dominating the conversation with leading questions or giving advice or personal anecdotes instead ask empathic questions compliment something in their character or do something practical to show you care we discussed the non-violent communication model NVC which consists of four components observations feelings needs and requests first become aware of the objective facts of the situation and separate them out from interpretations assumptions and judgments about those facts next share what you're feeling remembering that feelings are connected to our needs whether those are met or unmet and then Express these needs without blaming and without confusing needs with strategies used to meet those needs finally finish with a request for that need to be met avoid requests that are vague impossible to fulfill framed as what you don't want or framed as a demand that can't be refused a request does not entitle us to receive what we ask for so we should graciously accept if it isn't granted we appreciate you joining us on this April 18th if you know a lineman or a columnist today is the national appreciation day for those professions of course in the U.S today is tax day hope you're not too late on that if you do have your taxes done you could do a little celebrating because it is national animal crackers day and you can also prepare yourself for Saturday which is Earth Day foreign