Expressing Without Speaking

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coming to you from Atlanta this is social skills coaching where you learn to be more likable more charismatic and more productive this is your host Russell and today is April 11. in communication training a great deal of emphasis is put on body language things like micro Expressions posture orientation and space degree of eye contact paralinguistics refers to the information carried in the tone Pace pitch Etc of The Voice it's also necessary to think in terms of overall openness or closeness but remember no single detail is decisive and conclusive observations should always be compared against a Baseline today's episode which delves into these topics further is from Patrick King's book communication skills training A microexpression is a quick (just 0.5 to 4 seconds) and involuntary facial expression produced when experiencing an emotion. are genuine, meaning they cannot be faked or concealed, and this makes them an ideal behavior to observe when with other people. The reasoning is that if you can accurately understand the emotional state of the person in front of you, communication automatically becomes easier, more direct, and more real. It's possible that you are already able to read microexpressions, but do so unconsciously.

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Have you ever spoken to someone and, even though they said all the right things and appeared to be smiling, you still got a gut feeling that they were upset? You might have come to this conclusion because your unconscious mind noticed the genuine microexpression of anger and knew that this revealed the true feeling. What we might do unconsciously can be done with more deliberation and practice. Basically, the seven primary human emotions come from universal physiological responses to the environment. Microexpressions are quicker, more subtle versions of the more obvious “macroexpressions” you’re already familiar with. As you read the following descriptions, try to mirror and match them, and see how quickly you start to feel the emotion they represent! Surprise •Raised and curved eyebrows. •Stretched skin below the brow. wrinkles across the forehead. •Eyelids open, with the white of the eye showing all around the iris.

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•Jaw open and teeth parted, but without tension in the mouth. Fear •Eyebrows raised and knotted together. •Forehead wrinkled in the center and not straight across. •Upper eyelid raised, with lower lid also tense and drawn up. •Eyes show white above the iris, but not below it.

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•Mouth open, with lips slightly tense or stretched back. Disgust •Eyes narrowed. •Upper lip lifted. teeth potentially exposed. •Nose wrinkled. •Cheeks raised. Anger •Eyebrows lowered and pulled together. lines between the eyebrows. •Lower lip tightened. staring or bulging.

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•Lips can be pursed, corners down, or in a square shape, as if shouting. •Nostrils may be widened. jaw juts forward. Happiness •Corners of the lips pulled back and up. •Mouth may or may not be parted, teeth shown. •A wrinkle appears from outer nose to outer lip. •Cheeks raised. eyelid may wrinkle or tighten a little. •Crow’s feet appear at the corners of the eyes. Sadness •Inner corners of eyebrows drawn in and up.

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•Corner of the lips drawn down. comes up. •Lower lip pouts. / Hate •Fairly neutral expression. side of the mouth raised.

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Noticing microexpressions is only the beginning. What do you do with your observations? are two possibilities: 1. microexpression aligns with what is being said, in which case there is additional information and body language to add dimension to what is being communicated to you. 2. Or, the microexpression in fact contradicts what is being said. In this case, you can assume that the person is concealing something (or flat out deceiving you or themselves), or else they are conflicted and wearing a kind of mask. But again, this simply adds more data to your reading of them. Posture and Body Orientation People's postures can reveal a great deal about them. Have you ever failed to comprehend what the other person was truly thinking when you were texting them and, as a result, had an awkward misunderstanding?

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This probably happened because an important channel of information was closed off to you both—the nonverbal body-language cues that would have allowed you to fine-tune your conversation. Let’s revisit the idea of “open” and “closed” body posture. Rather than taking any single action in isolation (“crossed arms means you’re angry, a toe pointing toward the door means you want to run away,” and so on ... observe the entire body as one unit. An open posture portrays friendliness, receptivity, and positivity.

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The feet are spread wide, and the palms of your hands are exposed and facing outward/visible. It’s easy to see if someone’s overall demeanor is communicating openness, but it’s just as important to be self-aware and make sure that you are also communicating the right message with open postural language. Keep a straight spine with your head lifted, open the chest and relax the shoulders down, loosen your facial features, and turn your entire body to face the other person. A closed posture portrays boredom, hostility, or detachment. The impression is one of tension and tightness.

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Arms and legs may be crossed; the features of the face will be tight, clenched, or pulled; hands will be closed or grasping; and the body will either seem to be hunched or crumpled in on itself, or else stiff and immobile, perhaps with shoulders held too high. Many so-called body language experts will go into great detail about what this or that tiny movement or gesture means, but this is usually unnecessary. can achieve an incredible amount of insight into the person in front of you by simply asking whether they are open or closed, and further whether their posture aligns with their verbal expression or contradicts it. Reading body language is not a foolproof science, but rather a way to collect observations and seek out patterns. There are two rules to effective body language reading: 1. No single detail is decisive and conclusive 2. every observation against a baseline For example, if you notice that someone’s arms are crossed, you’d be wrong to conclude solely based on this observation that they are angry or closed off. Perhaps it’s winter and they’re simply cold. is why you need to consider context and a range of observations, seeking repeated patterns rather than just a single isolated behavior. If they’re scowling, crossing their arms, and turning away from you, the conclusion that they’re angry holds more weight.

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Imagine that you one day receive a warm hug and a big smile from someone you’ve just met. Are they coming on to you? assume they are until you know what their baseline is, i.e., what is “normal” for them. that they hug and smile at everyone all the time, and your observations suddenly don’t imply flirtatiousness anymore! Eye Contact The eyes are such an important and expressive part of the human body that they get classed as a form of communication all their own, not to mention assumed to be the windows to the soul and one of the focal points (there’s a visual predicate right there!) of love poetry the world over.

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First things first: eye contact in itself is neither good nor bad. Rather, it’s a question of how you make it, when, and why. More is not always better. When you’re making eye contact with someone you’ve just met and don’t know very well, the mere act of lingering your gaze on theirs for slightly longer than is comfortable is a courageous way to signal that you are wanting to up the intensity and get to know the person a little better. If they match and mirror this eye contact, consider that your message has been heard and the response is broadly positive. Better eye contact skills will reap benefits in the workplace, will make you a better public speaker, will help you smooth over conflicts, and will make you appear more charismatic to the opposite sex. In a study led by Dr. Arthur Aron, men and women were put into opposite sex pairs and asked to look into each other’s eyes for two minutes straight. couples later reported feelings of attraction, affection, and even love for the people they originally met as strangers. Surprisingly, one of the couples even married! the eyes are powerful communicators.

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Eye contact can create intimacy and intensity, but too much can be disastrous. Whatever you do, you don’t want your eye contact to be inappropriate or unwelcome. Don’t stare at people. you’re looking at them and they look away to avoid your gaze and then return their gaze, and you are still looking at them, this will feel intrusive and even violating to them. In his book, The Power of Eye Contact, psychologist Michael Ellsberg explains, “In order for eye contact to feel good,one person cannot impose his visual will on another; it is a shared experience. Perhaps eyes meet only for a second at first; one partner then tests the waters and tries a few seconds, and when that is met warmly, the pair can begin ramping up the eye contact together until they are locked in a beautiful dance of eyes and gazes." good rule of thumb is to be brave and initiate eye contact, but after two unsuccessful attempts to catch their eye, stop. Be mindful of the rest of your body language, and moderate yourself. Eye contact plus leaning back may make the intimacy a little more comfortable, whereas eye contact and close proximity and intense language can be overwhelming. Another good idea is to take frequent pauses—a little eye contact goes a long way.

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Rest your gaze elsewhere for a while (look to the side, not down), or try career expert Kara Ronin’s “triangle technique” to cut potential awkwardness: 1. an imaginary inverted triangle on the other person’s face around their eyes and mouth. 2. the conversation, change your gaze every five to ten seconds from one point on the triangle to another. will make you look interested and engrossed in the conversation without coming across as creepy!

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Paralinguistics As you become a more active speaker and listener, increasing your awareness of the subtle nuances of verbal communication can contribute significantly to the quality of the conversation you have with others. This awareness will also promote a deeper understanding of, and connection with, those around you. you speak, you expose a great deal about yourself, much of which frequently has nothing at all to do with the words you are using.The term "paralinguistics" refers to the study of voice tone, volume, inflection, and pitch and other components of nonverbal vocal communication that we’ve already briefly explored. Pay attention to your own voice and its function—it takes effort and practice to become a comfortable, conscious speaker. Think about how much of an impact your vocal inflection can have on the interpretation of what you're saying. It’s possible to communicate either extreme happiness or else anger and contempt—while using the very same words! people deliver their words is as important as the words themselves. Become aware both of what you are communicating as well as what others are communicating with you, and your powers of communication will strengthen enormously. The Four Ps of Voice Imagine that speaking is like a train ride—peaks and valleys are more exciting and adventurous, while flat, unchanging terrain is not. Try to vary your speed and speak so as to include peaks, valleys, flat terrains, and pauses.

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Likewise, listen to the “landscape” of other people’s speech and see what it tells you about their state of mind and the message they’re sharing beyond the words they use. 1. how loud or soft you speak Modify your voice projection and speak loudly if you’re addressing more people. confident speaker has good projection. Low projections make listeners lean forward to listen.

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When telling a secret (or wanting people to come closer to you), employ low projection. 2. how fast or slowly you speak Quick speech implies nervousness, energy, enthusiasm, force, or even fear. Slow speech can convey calmness and gravity—or else be boring. Be animated and vary the speed of your speech depending on the effect you want it to have on others. 3. high or low Pitch conveys emotion—high pitch reflects wrath, happiness, surprise, or excitement. Low pitch expresses power, relaxation, aggression, or sadness. 4. quiet moments bring emphasis or allow listeners to absorb and process Poor communicators think that a pause is asking to be interrupted or an admission that you forgot what you were saying.

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But skilled conversationalists know that pauses are powerful; they use them to add significance to their words and pace themselves, keeping their listeners on board with what they’re saying. Advanced speakers use a pause to optimize their speech's impact on their audience. How to Improve Your Vocal Variety So, how do you know whether to pause or not? How do you know when to talk more quickly or loudly or with a higher pitch? Well, imagine that all the shades and nuances available in your voice are like colors in a palette. Whatever you’re communicating, you can paint a more powerful picture for the other person if you’re using a full, rich palette of colors. “Vocal variety” is a little like being physically flexible and fit—it means we are familiar with and comfortable using the full range of our voice’s potential. And like physical fitness, we can train this variety. Here are a few ideas. you socialize, literally warm up your vocal cords, like an actor before a rehearsal. Massage your cheeks and jaw and practice saying mamamama and wawawawa sounds, or do “lip trills” where you forcefully blow “raspberries” by expelling a stream of air through pursed lips. develops both breath and vocal control. •Practice diaphragm breathing. one hand on your belly and one on your chest and take deep breaths so that only your belly hand rises. After a few breaths, see if you can speak a long, slow sentence on one full belly breath.

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Play around with what it feels like to control this stream of air so that your voice is calm and measured. a random passage of text (children’s storybooks are great for this) and read through the passage, first in a dull monotone. Then, read through it again, trying to add as much color as possible—change your pitch, pacing, tone—be dramatic! can be awkward at first simply because you’re using vocal muscles that are not warmed up. Warm up this way and you’ll feel more vocally limber when you next enter a conversation.

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•If you find that your pitch gets uncomfortably high or low, or that you are often breathless or struggle to moderate volume, consider taking up singing to help improve your vocal mastery. Even chanting can help! •An alternative is to take up improv classes or learn to do a little acting. When you think of your voice as an expressive and artistic tool, you become far more aware of its power—and how you can use this power according to your own ends. The irony is that the better you are able to master and control your own voice, and the more self-awareness you have around your voice, the better you will become at hearing other people’s voices in three dimensions! You will notice the breathless or choked quality in a friend’s speech and understand that they’re nervous. You’ll notice the subtle change in pitch that signals someone’s rising excitement ... and know exactly how to match them to show your synchrony and support for that excitement. Communication is not just vocal, but that doesn’t mean that the voice isn’t an extremely powerful and flexible tool that lets you communicate anything and everything. Summary: •When reading someone’s body language, pay attention to microexpressions, their overall posture and orientation in space, as well as their degree of eye contact. Paralinguistics refers to information carried in the tone, pace, pitch, etc. of the voice.

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•Think in terms of overall openness or closedness, but remember that no single detail is decisive and conclusive, and that observations should always be compared against a baseline. this has been social skills coaching I'm Russell founder of Newton Media Group producer of social skills coaching you can find us at newtonmg.com if you have feedback on today's episode please take a moment and email us at podcast at newtonmg.com we'd love to hear from you join us again next week and we'll keep learning how to be more likable more charismatic and more productive thank you