Don’t Take Your Inner Critic’s Word For It
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• People-pleasing behavior can stem from a harsh inner critic, who is the one telling us that we are not worth anything unless we serve others, or that we do not deserve to have our needs met or boundaries respected.
• We can push against our inner critic by becoming aware of its voice and honestly answering some questions, such as: is the choice I’m making ultimately for me or for someone else? Is this voice in my head serving my interests or working against me? The inner critic, however, is there for a reason, and we can ask what that reason is. Seek to understand what that function is, then consciously choose to meet that need in a healthier way.
#InnerCritic #NegativeCoreBeliefs #Peoplepleasers #Peoplepleasing #RussellNewton #NewtonMG #PatrickKing #PatrickKingConsulting #SocialSkillsCoaching #StandUpForYourself #SetBoundaries #&StopPleasingOthers
Transcript
Coming to you from Atlanta.
Speaker:This is social skills coaching, where you can learn to be more likable, more charismatic, and more productive.
Speaker:This is your host, Russell, and today is the perfect date April 25.
Speaker:Because it's not too hot and not too cold, all you need is a light jacket.
Speaker:Other quick hits for today.
Speaker:It's National Drug Takeback Day, so if you have some old prescription drugs lying around, those should be returned.
Speaker:National Agapumber Day.
Speaker:Noise Awareness Day is certain to be celebrated by library workers today, and the opposite of that may be National Lingerie Day.
Speaker:Today's episode is pulled from Patrick King's book stand up for Yourself, set Boundaries and Stop Pleasing Others.
Speaker:People pleasing behavior is a common problem that can stem from a harsh inner critic.
Speaker:Your inner critic is that little voice in your head that tells you you're not good enough.
Speaker:You don't deserve to be happy, that we need to constantly be serving others in order to be loved.
Speaker:Today, Patrick King gives us some advice on how to recognize and control that inner voice.
Speaker:Here's a story you might be familiar with.
Speaker:Person A is trying to think of the perfect gift for Person B.
Speaker:Person A goes to great lengths to find just the right present, wrap it perfectly, and then give it to Person B.
Speaker:Almost immediately, though, Person A starts to think, maybe I spent too much on that gift.
Speaker:Maybe Person B secretly hates it, and it's just too polite to say what an idiot I was to assume they would like such a stupid gift.
Speaker:You'll never live it down.
Speaker:Everyone's going to wonder why on earth you bought such a strange gift.
Speaker:Meanwhile, almost completely unnoticed by Person A, is Person B thinking, oh, cool.
Speaker:What a nice gift.
Speaker:People pleasers are often their own worst enemies.
Speaker:People pleasing behavior can stem not from the outside world, but from a harsh inner critic whose words may seldom correspond with actual reality.
Speaker:Sometimes people pleasing can be an attempt to address the ongoing negative self talk that is constantly selfcritical and judgmental.
Speaker:The inner critic is like a reverse cheerleader and is there on the sidelines, constantly reinforcing the negative core beliefs you have about yourself and a catastrophic narrative about the world.
Speaker:An inner critic is sometimes understood to be the internalized voice of a real life critic we had in our early childhood experiences.
Speaker:In other words, if you're a people pleaser today, you may have been a parent pleaser in the past.
Speaker:Trauma, abuse, rejection, and self esteem issues can put us on the path of people pleasing, where we start to believe that our worth and validation come solely from satisfying others.
Speaker:Children unconsciously absorb certain messages about who they are and take on these beliefs for themselves in the form of the inner critic.
Speaker:As adults, we continue the same dynamic, but within ourselves.
Speaker:In place of the parent is now our own inner critic.
Speaker:Unless we satisfy that voice completely.
Speaker:We are worthless.
Speaker:The trouble is, the Inner Critic is never satisfied.
Speaker:The Inner Critic is, to put it mildly, a bully who is devoted to sabotaging you.
Speaker:It says things like you're not good enough.
Speaker:You're a loser, a bad person, an idiot, ugly talentless.
Speaker:Whatever you do, it's going to turn out terribly.
Speaker:You're to blame because you're bad and you messed up.
Speaker:Face it, nobody actually loves you.
Speaker:And why would they?
Speaker:Life can't improve for you, ever.
Speaker:You're a failure.
Speaker:Just give up.
Speaker:Who do you think you are, putting up boundaries and asking for your needs to be met.
Speaker:Seeing the Inner Critics script laid bare can be startling.
Speaker:But how many of us are carrying around beliefs exactly like this day after day?
Speaker:How many of us have held on to beliefs like this for so long that we don't even notice we have them anymore?
Speaker:The thoughts have crystallized and become our reality, become who we are.
Speaker:Luckily, it's never too late to become aware of the Inner Critic.
Speaker:Challenge it and replace it with something that's more on our side.
Speaker:Here are a few powerful suggestions to ask yourself whenever you notice that you're stressing out about pleasing someone else at your own expense.
Speaker:Is the choice I'm making for me or for someone else?
Speaker:The trick here is that the someone else could be other people, but it also could be your Inner Critic.
Speaker:Are you acting from your own freely chosen conscious values and principles?
Speaker:Are you acting because doing so is generally what you want for yourself?
Speaker:Or are you acting to appease someone, to please them, to win favor, and simply to get that guilty and judgmental inner voice to shut up?
Speaker:If you do discover that you're acting for someone else, then just be aware of that for a moment.
Speaker:Why are you acting for them and not yourself?
Speaker:What will happen if you do?
Speaker:Is it a healthy and wise choice for you without judgment?
Speaker:Dig a little deeper and see if you identify what's feeding that belief and where it really comes from.
Speaker:Wouldn't you like to choose something different?
Speaker:Is my Inner critic working for me or against me?
Speaker:Most of us are so used to taking our self talk as gospel that we don't stop and assess its truth or its usefulness.
Speaker:If we can become conscious long enough to notice the Inner critic at work, then we can challenge it.
Speaker:We can ask, wait a second.
Speaker:Is this actually helping me in any way?
Speaker:Let's say you're a vegetarian at a restaurant and you've just been mistakenly served a giant steak.
Speaker:The Inner Critic immediately steps in and says, keep your mouth shut.
Speaker:If you complain to the waiter, you'll look fussy and ungrateful and everyone will think you're being difficult.
Speaker:Plus, you'll embarrass the poor waiter.
Speaker:Just smile and eat the salad with your waistline.
Speaker:It's probably wise anyway.
Speaker:But you can pause and become curious about this voice.
Speaker:Could you imagine yourself using this voice on someone you loved?
Speaker:No.
Speaker:This is not the voice of someone who wants to help.
Speaker:It's working against you.
Speaker:Could you challenge it?
Speaker:What would that inner voice look like if it had your best interests at heart?
Speaker:Instead turning it around, what would you say to a loved one in your predicament?
Speaker:Oh well, it was an honest mistake, but I have to have something to eat.
Speaker:I'll politely ask for what I originally ordered.
Speaker:I deserve to have a nice meal out, just like everybody else here, and I'm not doing anything wrong by correcting the mistake.
Speaker:Every time you speak to yourself internally, you have the option of being for yourself or against yourself.
Speaker:You may have an inner critic, but we also all have the opportunity to choose instead to listen to the wiser, more conscious part of us that wants the best for us.
Speaker:The choice is yours.
Speaker:What is my inner critic trying to achieve?
Speaker:The inner critic is a saboteur.
Speaker:Yes, but where does it come from?
Speaker:Why is it there?
Speaker:Though it's hard to believe at times, the inner critic is actually attempting to help in its own misguided way.
Speaker:In your childhood, the inner critic stepped in to try to keep you safe and help you make sense of the world.
Speaker:For example, a young child who's been rejected by their parents may rightly wonder why me?
Speaker:Why would they abandon me?
Speaker:The inner critic steps in to try to make sense of a senseless situation.
Speaker:They rejected you because you're not good enough.
Speaker:Sounds cruel, but this core belief actually allows you to survive because it tells you that if you only work hard to be good enough and make others happy, then you'll earn back the love you need so you grow up to be a people pleaser.
Speaker:It's not great, but it works.
Speaker:The inner critic did its best to help in a difficult situation.
Speaker:But as an adult, you can become aware of the fact that what worked in the past may no longer work anymore.
Speaker:You can look at this inner critic for what it is not the voice of reality, but as an outdated and self sabotaging coping mechanism.
Speaker:In ifs internal family systems, we see the psyche as a minifamily with its own subpersonalities.
Speaker:For example, one part of you could be a confused, innocent child who doesn't understand why they've been rejected.
Speaker:Another part is the inner critic who steps in to manage those difficult feelings, albeit with a lie.
Speaker:If you do everything right and please other people, then you'll be loved to apply the theory of Ifs.
Speaker:Simply identify these various parts of yourself and see them as separate parts of you.
Speaker:Literally.
Speaker:Imagine sitting down at a family table with all these parts.
Speaker:Imagine talking to each part and asking it where it came from and what it wants.
Speaker:The goal is to consciously let go of old habits and behaviors that no longer serve you.
Speaker:The next time you hear your inner critic speak, you can calmly say to it, thank you, inner critic.
Speaker:I can see you're trying to help, but right now I'm choosing to let the wiser, more mature part of myself take over.
Speaker:And she says I'm worthy of love, just as I am right now.
Speaker:This leads us to a great technique to use inspired by ifs.
Speaker:See if you can identify the inner champion inside yourself as someone who argues against the inner critic and bravely works for your interests.
Speaker:Your inner champion doesn't let the lie of your inner critic go by unchallenged.
Speaker:And they're always there with a more rational, compassionate, and simple antidote to the shame and fear the inner critic usually brings.
Speaker:You will never really understand why your parents did what they did.
Speaker:But no child deserves to be rejected, including you.
Speaker:People pleasing was a young child's attempt to win love.
Speaker:But luckily for you, there are healthier ways to do that.
Speaker:Now, as an adult, without people pleasing, there's a part of you that is strong, conscious, creative, playful and intelligent.
Speaker:Even though the voice may be tiny and quiet, it is there.
Speaker:And it does work against the inner critic and reminds you of your innate worth.
Speaker:This part wants only the best for you.
Speaker:Tune into that part and ask for its advice.
Speaker:What does it say about your negative self talk?
Speaker:Does it have an alternative view that you might consider?
Speaker:In today's episode, we heard that our harsh inner critic, that inside voice telling us we're not worth anything unless we serve others, or that we don't deserve to have our needs met or our boundaries respected, can often result in people pleasing behavior.
Speaker:However, we can push against our inner critic by becoming aware of its voice and honestly answering some questions.
Speaker:Is the choice I'm making ultimately for me or for someone else?
Speaker:Is this voice in my head serving my interests or working against me?
Speaker:The inner critic, however, is there for a reason, and we can ask what that reason is.
Speaker:Seek to understand what that function is, then consciously choose to meet that need in a healthier way.
Speaker:Thanks for being with us today.
Speaker:And in addition to Librarian Day and Zucchini Bread Day, wanted to remind you that today is also east meets West Day.
Speaker:In 1945, American and Russian soldiers met for the first time in Germany, signaling the imminent capture of Berlin and the end of the European conflict of World War II.
Speaker:If you're a veteran, thank you for your service.
Speaker:If not, take a moment to thank a veteran for their sacrifice.
Speaker:Please join us next week for another episode of Social Skills coaching from Patrick King.
Speaker:And in closing, celebrating birthdays today are J.
Speaker:Park al Pacino renee Zellweger and Ella Fitzgerald.
