The Body Can Listen, Too

We’ve already discussed the value of verbally reflecting emotions back to the speaker, but this is just one way that we can practice mirroring in conversations. Body language can be empathic too, and when your body mirrors another person’s, this is a way to show physical “active listening” of the body.

Let’s go back (again) to our ancient ancestors. So-called “limbic synchrony” is about being in sync on a physiological, pre-verbal level. This is the kind of harmony that helped prehistoric groups bond for better survival. Consider that even before babies are born, their heartbeats keep sync with their mothers’. After they’re born, mother and baby are closely in tune via a more primal language than words: touch, facial expression, and gesture.

When a little baby smiles, there isn’t a human being alive who doesn’t immediately smile in return, mirroring that expression. In fact, many psychologists now believe that an infant’s sense of self takes shape and matures precisely because of their caregiver’s initial response to and reflection of their early experience. We learn to understand ourselves as unique beings, in other words, because other people respond to us as such. We learn that what we are feeling is sadness, for example, because we first see that sadness mirrored back to us in the faces of our caregivers.

Therefore, mirroring and synchrony have deep, ancient roots that speak to the very essence of who we are as human beings. Empathy doesn’t just feel nice—it confirms and affirms who we are as human beings. “I see you” on a primal level is no different from “you exist and you matter.” This is important.

Keeping emotionally and physically in step with the humans around you is a sign of trust, harmony, connection, and understanding. Many people think of body language as a variant of spoken or verbal expression, but it’s more properly the other way around: Evolutionarily speaking, verbal language is a very recent development and an offshoot of our more fundamental ability for embodied communication.

This represents a paradigm shift: Listening is not just something you do with your ears, “hearing” someone is about so much more than using your ears, and “seeing” them is, when you think about it, a primarily literal way to witness and comprehend another’s “point of view.” What’s more, the most basic form of comprehension is mimicry—to mirror is to show empathy. What better way to signal that you understand the other person’s position than to embody it yourself?

gher tips (Van Baaren et al.,: 2003

• body language

• attitude and posture

• facial expression

• and vocal qualities

of the people around them.

You’re probably wondering, though, is mirroring always such a good thing? You’ve probably experienced awkwardness at realizing that someone was copying you. To minimize weirdness, mirroring has to be done properly. Here’s how.

First, make sure that you are facing the person square on to signal that they have your complete attention. This builds rapport and trust and sends the message, “You are my focus right now.”

Next, be mindful of eye contact. You don’t want too much or too little, so you can convey attention and interest without being too intense or intrusive. Author and psychologist Dr. Kerstin Uväs-Moberg explains how eye contact actually releases oxytocin, a hormone responsible for fundamental feelings of warmth and closeness.

One thing you might try (although this technique is possibly more suited to professional settings) is to seek out “yeses.” For example, when you ask questions to which the obvious answer is “yes,” you are creating a moment of concurrence and agreement, even if it’s only in a very small way. The more you are both nodding and agreeing, even if only on superficial topics, the more you will create a sense of synchrony and being on the same page.

Once you’ve established some sense of rapport, then you can begin to talk and listen empathically and use body language mirroring. Let’s take a look at the kinds of mirroring you could try:

Verbal

Use the words they do. If they are speaking formally, match that. If they are using colorful and creative expressions, meet them there and do the same.

Vocal

This refers to the qualities of the voice itself. If they are speaking quickly, match the pace of their delivery and do the same. Also match their volume (i.e., how loudly or quietly they’re speaking, but also the quantity of speech) and, to the extent possible, their pitch (how high or low the voice is). Pay attention to how animated they are being, as well. Is their voice varied and dynamic, changing in pitch and tone and full of expressiveness? Or is it a steady monotone? Are there many pauses, or is it smooth and flowing? This is called cadence. Imagine that a person’s voice is almost like a musical genre, and try to reflect back their unique nuances of expression.

Remember that the voice is not something neutral and abstract—it emerges from within our bodies, from the very tissues of our lungs and throat, and is created from the air that we pull in and shape with our lips, tongue, and other muscles. The voice is a deeply personal attribute, and it reflects our emotional and physical state. You might notice that merely by mimicking someone’s voice, you also get a firsthand experience of their emotional state. If someone is speaking in a jerky, breathless, and high-pitched voice, speaking like that for just a few moments will not only help you understand their anxiety, but help you feel it in your own body!

Postural

If they are sitting very upright, do the same and don’t slouch. If they are generally holding their body in a closed, guarded way, do the same. If their gestures are casual and relaxed, match that with your own.

This goes beyond just the immediate posture of the body, though. If someone is giving the impression of being broadly “low energy,” for example, you would be felt to be un-empathic if you conducted yourself with extreme enthusiasm and vitality. Think about the attitude and orientation of the whole person. You don’t need to match that orientation exactly, just harmonize with it.

Idiosyncratic

Everybody has their own unique accent and way of speaking. The same is true for the body. If you pay close attention to how people hold themselves in space, how they move, their gestures, and how they express their physical form, you will start to notice idiosyncrasies—little things that they and only they do. Mirroring these idiosyncrasies can send a powerfully empathic message, sometimes unconsciously.

Maybe they have a habit of quickly lifting an eyebrow at the end of a long sentence. Maybe they have quick hands that get quicker the more excited they become. Maybe they do a certain thing with their tongue or scrunch their shoulders up a little whenever they’re feeling embarrassed or awkward. If you mirror these subtle expressions, the other person may suddenly feel deeply understood—without even knowing why!

Be Careful!

Yes, body language is a primal pre-verbal human expression that we all understand without being taught. But that doesn’t mean that there aren’t certain cultural or contextual facts we need to be mindful of if we want to avoid misunderstandings.

Perhaps it goes without saying that mirroring between a man and a woman will probably need to look a little different from mirroring between two people of the same sex, simply because so many empathic body language signals can easily be interpreted as flirty ones! Likewise, be mindful of any potential role that cultural or even generational differences may play in body language.

Some other words of caution:

• When you mirror, only reflect back the positive and harmonious body language signals. Mirroring things like scowls or crossed arms will only amplify feelings of disharmony.

• Don’t be too obvious. A little goes a long way.

• Mirror in a subtle way and then watch to see if the other person is doing the same or pulling back. Then adjust accordingly. If you continue to mirror a person when they’ve communicated nonverbally that this is not welcome, you will likely be perceived as pushy, insensitive, or boundary-crossing.

When NOT Mirroring is the Empathic Thing to Do

Picture this. Person A has just had an inconclusive test result back from the lab and is now worried that they are seriously ill—potentially with a terminal disease that runs in their family. They are talking to Person B about how desperately anxious they are now; they have to wait till Monday to speak to the consultant, and it’s only Friday now. In the absence of knowing any more details, their imaginations are running wild, and they’re spiraling deeper and deeper into panic.

Person A paces around the room, face scrunched up in a grimace, hands clenched. They don’t seem to know where to put themselves. As they tell Person B all about the scary statistics they read about online, and about their chances of survival if they do have the dreaded disease, Person B notices:

• Their voice is thin and tight, almost like it can’t escape the body

• The story is rushed and breathless, delivered in a higher pitch than normal, and rushing along without pause or punctuation. Every single sentence seems to end as a question.

• The mouth and jaw seem tight, and the arms are held clamped against the body

Person B observes and listens for a while. Clearly, Person A is terrified and awash with anxiety. But what they definitely don’t want to do here is reflect back the same panic—it would only exacerbate things. In empathy, Person B even starts to feel themselves getting anxious as they listen, but they deliberately take a few deep, slow breaths and consciously choose to do the opposite of Person A.

They lower their voice and speak softly, slowing down and giving time for pauses. Instead of delivering a long stream of questions, Person B gives simple, calm statements: “You’re panicking right now, I can see that. But the test was inconclusive. That is not the same as bad news. One thing you do know is that you will learn more on Monday . . .”

Person B does this because over time, Person A will mirror them. In a while, Person A does calm down.

Try it next time you’re with a very upset or even crying person: Take a deep, obvious breath yourself and deliberately pause, speaking more slowly. You may notice that the other person often does the same. The magical thing is that you can signal support, understanding, and empathy this way, all without saying a word.

Next, Person B gets up and literally takes Person A by the hand, guiding them out the door so that they can go for a walk together. This way, some of the nervous energy is spent on walking, and Person B can demonstrate being physically in sync without being panicked and stressed as well.

If someone is right in the middle of a very strong emotional experience (be it anxiety, depression, shame, or anger), it’s usually not a good idea to mirror them. Rather, take note of what their body language is expressing, and with your own body language, gently try to suggest the opposite experience. If they’re rushing, speak a little slower than them. If they’re shouting, speak with a somewhat lower volume.

Summary

• Use mirroring, paraphrasing, or reflecting to show active listening.

• Body language can be empathic too, and when your body mirrors another person’s, this is a way to show physical “active listening” of the body.

• To show that your body is listening, face the person, make comfortable eye contact, and seek to concur with “yeses” or head nods. Then mirror their words, voice, posture, or other idiosyncrasies.

• When mirroring, be mindful of the gender or cultural context, and only reflect what is positive. Avoid mirroring strong negative emotions (panic, anger, depression) and instead model a sense of calm by slowing down and taking a deep breath; the other person may then mirror you.