Six Different Ways to Say NO
Stand Up For Yourself, Set Boundaries, & Stop Pleasing Others (if that’s okay with you…) (Be Confident and Fearless Book 9) By: Patrick King
Hear it Here - https://adbl.co/3To6NDu
00:00:00.000 Hello listeners, and welcome to Social Skills Coaching
00:02:11.800 Trevor Powell is a psychologist and assertiveness expert
00:02:24.120 Direct NO
00:03:56.560 Reflecting NO
00:04:45.720 Raincheck NO
00:05:59.800 Enquiring NO
00:07:17.280 Broken Record NO
00:11:28.080 Challenging the Beliefs that Stop You from Saying No
00:13:50.000 Takeaways
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0B7GWJN4F
Are you tired of putting others first? It's time to stand up for
yourself! In this episode, we dive into the world-renowned book by
Patrick King, 'Stand Up For Yourself, Set Boundaries,' and uncover
practical ways to practice self-care. Discover the art of saying NO with
confidence and fearlessness. From direct refusals to reflecting on your
priorities, learn six unique methods to set boundaries without guilt.
Join us as we explore why being nice to yourself is essential for a
fulfilling life. Click above to buy the book now! Let's embrace our
right to prioritize ourselves and bid farewell to anxiety-induced
people-pleasing!"
Transcript
Hello listeners, and welcome to Social Skills Coaching on this June 18, 2025, where you become more likeable, more charismatic, and more productive.
Speaker:Today's featured book by Patrick King is Stand Up for Yourself, Set Boundaries, and Stop Pleasing Others.
Speaker:This is from the Be Confident and Fearless book series.
Speaker:Today's episode is Chapter 5 of this book.
Speaker:This chapter addresses an essential aspect of personal growth, especially if you're a people pleaser, mastering the art of saying no.
Speaker:We'll explore the multifaceted nature of this seemingly simple word, and we'll look at six unique variations that form your very own toolkit from the direct and assertive approach to the more gentle and reflective refusals.
Speaker:Each type of no serves a purpose in navigating different social scenarios while setting healthy boundaries.
Speaker:Our discussion aims to challenge common misconceptions about saying no, and provide you some practical guidance on effective communication.
Speaker:So, get ready to embrace confidence and clarity as we empower ourselves with these powerful tools for self-care and assertiveness.
Speaker:For habitual people-pleasers, saying no can seem impossible.
Speaker:It doesn’t matter if we’ve just been asked to break the laws of physics or be in two places at one time—if someone asks, we find ourselves saying “yes” and hoping we’ll figure something out.
Speaker:In the last section, we considered all the deep roots of people-pleasing, but whatever your reason for doing it, rest assured that you can unlearn this behavior and do something different.
Speaker:Saying no is something that we can learn to do even if we’re not one hundred percent confident, and even if we don’t feel truly assertive yet.
Speaker:This chapter will work at expanding your “no” vocabulary—because there’s a no for every occasion!
Speaker:Trevor Powell is a psychologist and assertiveness expert who has outlined six different ways to politely but assertively turn down a request.
Speaker:Direct NO
Speaker:18 00:02:26,080 --> 00:02:34,280 This means what it sounds like: You simply say “no.” You don’t follow up with an apology, explanation, or justification.
Speaker:You don’t ask permission to say no or immediately launch into conciliatory behavior to make up for your refusal.
Speaker:Your no just stands there on its own, strong and bold.
Speaker:Think of it this way: the less you add to this brave and noble no, the stronger it is.
Speaker:Use a direct no when someone has violated a boundary, especially if it’s not the first time.
Speaker:It’s also good for outrageous or disrespectful requests.
Speaker:“You want me to do your homework for you?
Speaker:Uh, no.”
Speaker:27 00:03:12,720 --> 00:03:13,520 Reasoned NO
Speaker:29 00:03:14,960 --> 00:03:21,080 Take note, this is a no with a reason, not an excuse.
Speaker:The reason is there to help the other person understand why you are saying no; it’s not to exonerate you or open up room for negotiations.
Speaker:It’s always perfectly okay to say no even if you don’t have a reason or don’t want to share it.
Speaker:But giving a reason is a courteous thing to do.
Speaker:The only trick is to keep it brief and sincere.
Speaker:Again, the more you add, the less legitimate it will seem.
Speaker:“I’m sorry I can’t come; I’ll be at my grandmother’s birthday party that weekend.”
Speaker:37 00:03:56,600 --> 00:03:59,120 Reflecting NO
Speaker:39 00:03:59,120 --> 00:04:05,720 This is more polite still because you acknowledge and reflect the asker’s feelings and situation.
Speaker:“I know it would be easier for you if I helped out, but I can’t this time.”
Speaker:42 00:04:13,440 --> 00:04:17,880 This way, you are noticing and reflecting the other person’s experience .
Speaker:.
Speaker:.
Speaker:without letting it undermine your own boundary or dilute your “no.” It’s a good idea to remember to omit the word “but.” Simply follow up your acknowledgement of their feelings with your polite refusal, without making it seem as though these two things clash.
Speaker:Just remember that people tend to mentally erase everything that was said immediately before the word “but.”
Speaker:48 00:04:41,320 --> 00:04:45,080 “I know you’re upset.
Speaker:I can’t make it.”
Speaker:51 00:04:48,720 --> 00:04:49,440 Raincheck NO
Speaker:53 00:04:51,000 --> 00:04:53,280 You’re not saying no forever and ever.
Speaker:You’re just saying no right now.
Speaker:In the future, you may say yes.
Speaker:Your friend needs your help to move into their new apartment, but your mom has just died and you can’t imagine facing anyone right now.
Speaker:You say no because you can’t right now, but you do want to keep the door open for when your friend needs you in the future.
Speaker:“I’m sorry, I can’t do it.
Speaker:I can come over in a few weeks’ time, if you like, and help you unpack?”
Speaker:61 00:05:20,840 --> 00:05:29,760 Of course, if you’re an expert people-pleaser, you’ll have to remain vigilant and stop yourself from making a promise you don’t want to or cannot keep later on.
Speaker:A variation on this is to simply not give an answer right away, i.e., put a raincheck on your response itself.
Speaker:Say something like, “Oh, I’m not sure.
Speaker:Can I get back to you on that?” or, “Let me just confirm with my calendar/spouse/work colleagues and let you know.” This gives you some time to gather yourself and decide if it’s a request you want to comply with or not.
Speaker:Enquiring NO
Speaker:67 00:06:00,880 --> 00:06:14,040 Much like the raincheck no, an enquiring no is all about communicating the spirit of compliance and helpfulness, even though the exact request in that moment cannot be met.
Speaker:Be warm and friendly and keep dialogue open so you can both find an alternative.
Speaker:“I’m booked with clients for the next three weeks.
Speaker:Maybe I can refer you to a friend of mine?”
Speaker:72 00:06:26,480 --> 00:06:34,440 You could keep it even more open-ended than that and simply use a few questions to show that you are listening and do care.
Speaker:The trick is that you still say no, but the other person feels at least that you explored the options with them.
Speaker:“Are you available for a photo shoot on the 26th?”
Speaker:76 00:06:46,680 --> 00:06:53,000 “Hmm, unfortunately I’m booked with clients for the next three weeks.
Speaker:What kind of shoot were you looking for?”
Speaker:79 00:06:54,320 --> 00:06:58,040 “Just an hour-long portrait session.
Speaker:I could come into the studio.”
Speaker:82 00:06:59,520 --> 00:07:01,760 “Hmm.
Speaker:It is just you?”
Speaker:85 00:07:02,440 --> 00:07:05,000 “Well, me and my wife.”
Speaker:87 00:07:05,000 --> 00:07:07,160 “I see.
Speaker:Well, if you give me your number, I can call you if I get any cancellations, but I’m afraid I can’t fit you in right now.”
Speaker:90 00:07:14,160 --> 00:07:15,520 “Oh well.
Speaker:Thanks, anyway!”
Speaker:93 00:07:17,360 --> 00:07:21,040 Broken Record NO
Speaker:95 00:07:21,040 --> 00:07:26,600 Sometimes you’ll encounter someone who views your boundary as a personal challenge.
Speaker:They’ll keep pushing and pushing.
Speaker:Your best response when this happens?
Speaker:Keep pushing back.
Speaker:The broken record technique is simply when you calmly repeat your refusal without really adding anything and without getting distracted by tangents and diversions.
Speaker:You imagine yourself as a boring, flat surface that can only ever give the same answer.
Speaker:Eventually, the other person has no choice but to accept it.
Speaker:The key here, though, is not to get dragged into any pleading or negotiating.
Speaker:If you don’t give the other person any threads to pursue, they have no choice but to drop the request eventually.
Speaker:“So, can you come get me from the airport?”
Speaker:106 00:08:11,680 --> 00:08:14,520 “Sorry, I don’t think I can.
Speaker:I have my exam.”
Speaker:109 00:08:15,760 --> 00:08:20,680 “Yeah, but can’t you come and get me before your exam?”
Speaker:111 00:08:20,680 --> 00:08:24,920 “No, I’ll need to focus on the exam that day.”
Speaker:113 00:08:24,920 --> 00:08:26,600 “Really?
Speaker:The whole day?
Speaker:It’s not such a big deal.
Speaker:The airport’s only forty-five minutes from your house .
Speaker:.
Speaker:.”
Speaker:120 00:08:32,240 --> 00:08:34,080 “Sorry, no.
Speaker:That day I’m dedicating to the exam I have.”
Speaker:123 00:08:37,480 --> 00:08:40,640 “Wow, seems kind of mean.”
Speaker:125 00:08:40,640 --> 00:08:45,680 “Like I said, I’ve got to do that exam, so I can’t help you.”
Speaker:127 00:08:45,680 --> 00:08:47,640 “Okay, fine.”
Speaker:129 00:08:47,640 --> 00:09:00,200 Notice how the person saying no never takes any bait or gets tangled in details, which would only end up with their boundary being eroded until they basically said yes.
Speaker:They also don’t respond when the other person makes an emotional appeal (“You’re mean!”) and keeps on with that broken record.
Speaker:It’s not a pleasant conversation, but it’s far better than the alternative!
Speaker:The above techniques look pretty simple, and that’s because they are.
Speaker:But they may nevertheless take some presence of mind to remember in the heat of the moment.
Speaker:Here are a few tips to help you become a master at saying no:
Speaker:136 00:09:29,960 --> 00:09:32,560 • Rehearse it.
Speaker:It’s a little cheesy, but it’ll give you confidence and courage.
Speaker:If you have a trusted friend, rehearse it with them.
Speaker:• Don’t over explain, justify yourself, or ask for permission.
Speaker:Your body language and tone of voice can also communicate a lot to the other person, so be mindful and speak clearly, calmly, and confidently.
Speaker:Don’t say no while your body language is saying maybe.
Speaker:• If appropriate, say no by email or text.
Speaker:It’s easier and gives you time.
Speaker:• Don’t try to compensate for your no.
Speaker:Even if you feel guilty, it’s not your responsibility to try to solve the other person’s problem for them, help them manage their emotional response to your boundary, or repent for that boundary in some way.
Speaker:You don’t owe them just because you said no!
Speaker:With practice, turning down requests gets easier and easier.
Speaker:People may be a bit surprised if you’ve always been a classic doormat—you may even surprise yourself!—but prepare for the fact that they may also treat you with a lot more care and consideration going forward.
Speaker:A people-pleaser’s worst fear is that others are out there angry or disappointed in them, but in reality, a person who calmly and confidently takes charge of their own limits and needs inspires trust and respect in others.
Speaker:Finding it hard to say no is a manifestation of a certain mindset.
Speaker:It’s a reflection of our beliefs about ourselves, others, and the world.
Speaker:We can change our behavior and gradually change the way we think, or we can change the way we think and allow that to change how we behave.
Speaker:Your best bet is to try to do both!
Speaker:Challenging the Beliefs that Stop You from Saying No
Speaker:156 00:11:33,880 --> 00:11:40,960 Ask yourself, what are your beliefs about this tiny but powerful word no?
Speaker:Some people would say:
Speaker:159 00:11:43,080 --> 00:11:49,360 • It’s rude to turn down a request (or mean, unkind, or even ill-mannered)
Speaker:161 00:11:49,360 --> 00:11:53,880 • Saying no means you’re a selfish person who lacks compassion
Speaker:163 00:11:53,880 --> 00:11:57,400 • If you don’t do what people ask, you’ll upset them
Speaker:165 00:11:57,400 --> 00:12:03,480 • Unless you say yes to every request, you’re not entitled to ask for help yourself
Speaker:167 00:12:03,480 --> 00:12:07,280 Can you add any of your own?
Speaker:These beliefs, however, are totally unhelpful, and that’s because they’re just not true.
Speaker:When you believe some version of the above, your conclusion is that you can never say no.
Speaker:But then that means that you agree to things that undermine your values and cross your boundaries, and you may deplete your resources, whether that’s time, energy, or money.
Speaker:People who have a healthy relationship with the word no think differently.
Speaker:They believe that:
Speaker:174 00:12:39,560 --> 00:12:44,120 • I’m not rejecting the person; I’m just saying no to this particular request
Speaker:176 00:12:44,120 --> 00:12:50,360 • I have limited resources, and so I have to prioritize; I cannot say yes to everything
Speaker:178 00:12:50,360 --> 00:12:56,480 • Every “yes” to something is automatically a “no” to something else
Speaker:180 00:12:56,480 --> 00:12:59,280 • Saying no is not personal
Speaker:182 00:12:59,280 --> 00:13:04,480 • I am entitled to have limits and desires and to communicate these
Speaker:184 00:13:04,480 --> 00:13:10,440 • Everyone has the right to ask, and everyone has the right to decline
Speaker:186 00:13:10,440 --> 00:13:21,840 If you catch yourself trying to mentally “explain” why you absolutely cannot say no to a request, pause and see if your justifications hold any water.
Speaker:Try to replace them with a healthier alternative above and see if reframing things makes you feel differently.
Speaker:As you've heard, saying no is a powerful skill, and it's time to embrace its importance in our journey towards self-care and respect.
Speaker:Here's a quick takeaway from today's episode.
Speaker:One of the most useful tools in the People Pleaser of Survival Kit is the ability to say no.
Speaker:There are at least six different kinds of no to learn and practice.
Speaker:The direct no, the reasoned no, the reflecting no, the rain check no, the inquiring no, and the broken record no.
Speaker:Each can be used in different circumstances according to the boundary you need to set.
Speaker:Whichever form you use, you'll need to challenge your assumptions and beliefs about saying no, and communicate clearly and confidently.
Speaker:As you go about your day, whether it's at work or in personal relationships, take a moment to reflect on these different types of no and how they can be applied in various situations.
Speaker:Challenge those assumptions and speak with confidence, and we'll leave you this quote from Eleanor Roosevelt.
Speaker:You must do the thing you think you cannot do.
