The Basics Are Not So Basic

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th,: 2024

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Communication is everything. No matter who you are or what you are trying to achieve in your life, improving your communication skills is a must. It’s a strange fact that human beings are expected to just know how to communicate—despite so many of us finding it challenging or unpleasant! The truth is that good communication takes time, effort, and know-how. It follows known principles and laws. Luckily, being a charismatic speaker, empathetic listener, and skillful negotiator and mediator is not something reserved for the select few—it’s something that anyone can do if only you understand these laws. There is certainly not enough space in just one book to cover all the multifaceted ways that communication can be finetuned and tweaked.

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But in the following chapters, we’re going to explore some of the most popular concepts and principles so you feel empowered to start making positive changes right now. One idea that we will return to frequently is the overall purpose of communication. We reach out to one another to connect, to meet our needs, to express ourselves, and to solve problems. Therefore, the best mindset to adopt on our mission to become better communicators is the one that will best allow us to do just that: connect. Identify Your Communication Style When learning how to communicate better, it’s important to understand your exact starting point, i.e., how good is your communication ability currently? If you’ve picked up this book, chances are there are some aspects of the way you communicate that you’ve identified as needing improvement. But communication is not just one skill, but a complex mix of many.

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On top of that, there are different styles of communication. Even if you don’t consider yourself a good communicator currently, you have a unique and characteristic type of communication whether you’re conscious of it or not. As we move through the chapters of this book, we’ll be looking at concrete ways to consciously choose the best and most effective styles of communication rather than default to unconscious patterns that may not really be working for us. When you can communicate well, your relationships take on an extra dimension of quality and intimacy, you find yourself in conflict far less often, and you give yourself the gift of being seen and understood so that other people have the best possible chance of meeting your needs. But without good communication, everything—relationships, work, conflict resolution—becomes much, much harder, if not impossible. Before we learn the best ways to communicate, let’s ask ourselves: how do we communicate right now? Take a look at the following communication style profiles and see if you can recognize yourself in one (or more!) of them: The Passive Communicator For this kind of communicator, it’s all about what isn’t said.

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Passive communication avoids expressing needs and wants, avoids conflict, and doesn’t directly and obviously convey thoughts or feelings. Imagine two friends going out for a drink. The first asks the second where he’d like to go, the second says, “Oh, I don’t mind. You choose somewhere." The first does choose somewhere, and the second doesn’t actually like it ... but doesn’t say so. Instead, he gets quietly annoyed and resentful. When the first friend asks what’s wrong, the second says, “Oh, nothing, I’m fine,” while very obviously not being fine!

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At the end of the evening, things come to a head and the passive friend has an emotional outburst, snapping rudely. Immediately, he apologizes and acts submissive and guilty. He goes home wondering how he keeps ending up in such emotionally fraught situations when he works so hard to avoid confrontation. Sound familiar? You might have a passive communication style. People who communicate this way may have learned in early childhood experiences that it is not possible to ever express their feelings directly, or that they may as well not ask for what they want since they have no real chance of getting it. Think of it this way: A passive communication style usually exists because, at some point and in some way, it works.

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However, it usually creates more problems in the long run, and if you’ve ever dealt with a passive communicator, you’ll know that it actually undermines how much genuine connection there can be. If you suspect this is your default communication mode, take a look at some other clues: •You apologize for expressing yourself or sharing your (perfectly reasonable) wants and needs •You find it difficult to make decisions, lead, or take responsibility •You sometimes feel like a victim or like others dominate you •You often prefer to opt out or let others take control •You’re indecisive, preferring others to make all the plans •You sometimes don’t know what you really think or feel •You tend to blame others for bad things that happen •You don’t generally feel in control of situations, or your life generally Nonverbally, passive communicators tend to speak quietly and adopt a small, submissive posture, or else fidget nervously or avoid eye contact. The irony is that a passive communicator does not achieve the result they want with this behavior. Other people can feel frustrated, guilty, exasperated, or annoyed with you, or else they may see the passivity as an invitation to take advantage. On the other hand, a passive communicator can leave others feeling unwilling to help anymore since their efforts are often met with a passive, defeatist attitude that lacks energy and autonomy. The Aggressive Communicator Where the passive communicator expresses too little of their needs and wants, the aggressive communicator goes too far in the other direction. They know what they want, and they will be as demanding, intimidating, and even hostile as they need to be to get it.

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From this point of view, communication is a war, and the aggressive communicator is one who intends to win and beat down their opponent. This can be that office bully who is always loud, threatening, and abrasive, but it doesn’t always have to be as blatant as this. Sometimes, the one person in a family or friend group whom everyone is most afraid of is the one who is simply unpredictable. Imagine a family is out at a restaurant and the toddler is trying to catch the attention of two adults who are speaking. The toddler wants to communicate the message “listen to me,” and they end up doing it by banging on the table, raising their voice, getting angry, and squirming around in their seat, threatening to topple glasses on the table. The result is that everyone immediately turns their attention to the child. This is the power of aggressive communication—it makes people pay attention and respond quickly!

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You can also see the disadvantage of this communication style, though: People may give you what you want, but if you’re behaving like a toddler to get it, they may well resent you in the process. An aggressive communicator might literally yell and scream, saying “Don’t be stupid!" or scoffing loudly at what you say, but they can also be aggressive in their body language or actions: •Sharp, sudden, or “big” gestures •Hogging space •Towering over others •Scowling, glaring, frowning •Invading people’s personal space •“My way or the highway” attitude Again, the result is ironic: Most people might comply with an aggressive communicator, at least at first, but they quickly can grow defensive, uncooperative, and resentful. Nobody likes to be humiliated or hurt, and so the result is often less respect but more defensiveness and pushback—the last thing an aggressive communicator actually wants. If this kind of communication seems like your style, don’t be too hard on yourself. Again, learning to express yourself this way often comes down to faulty learning experiences in childhood and can point to feelings of fear, powerlessness, and frustration. Find more nuanced ways of expressing your needs, and you’ll realize you can get what you want without drama or force!

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The Passive-Aggressive Communicator We all know someone like this! This style of communication is as aggressive as the previous one, only it’s covert, i.e., hidden and indirect. Things are not what they seem on the surface. Someone who communicates this way may feel angry but powerless to act in direct or ordinary ways—so they attempt to meet their needs and make themselves known passively instead. If you’ve grown up in an environment with other passive-aggressive communicators, it can be hard to be heard and stand your ground without resorting to the same tactics. Passive-aggressive communicators may use heaps of sarcasm, they may complain bitterly and make a nuisance of themselves (without doing a thing to help themselves), or they may sulk until someone is forced to do something about it. Otherwise, they may gossip, issue false apologies, or give compliments that are actually insults in disguise.

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They may engage in “malicious compliance” (“I will give the appearance of cooperation but actually not be compliant at all”) or be difficult or unreliable instead of saying outright that they don’t want to do something. There is a devious, almost two-faced feeling to this type of communication that leaves other people feeling manipulated, exhausted, or confused. Imagine our two friends are out for a drink, and the passive one says, “Oh, you can choose a place. I don’t mind." Let’s say the other one has a passive-aggressive communication style, and although they resent being forced to make decisions all the time, they don’t feel able to come out and say that directly. So instead, they say, “Oh no, I understand. How could I forget that it’s always my job to sort these things out, right?"

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As they deliver with a sugary-sweet smile, there is plausible deniability in this, and when the other friend responds to the hidden aggression in it, the first one can act hurt and confused: “Calm down ... It was just a joke!" If pushed, the passive-aggressive friend may then apologize, but it will be an “apology” with a sting in the tail: “Sheesh, I said I’m sorry. Forgive me for not being perfect all the time ... ” The Manipulative Communicator The above style has some overlap with one more style, that of the manipulative communicator. This is the person who uses cunning and fakery to get what they want. Manipulation is essentially a conscious attempt to control other people and have them do, say, and think as you’d like them to. While the passive-aggressive communicator can hurt others indirectly in an attempt to express their needs without really expressing them, the manipulator is characterized by their ability to see others as tools, i.e., a means to an end. Understandably, this is one of the worst approaches and most likely to backfire.

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A manipulative communicator might cry “crocodile tears” in order to make the other person feel sorry for them (instead of, for comparison, simply sharing their genuine experience and the other person responding with genuine, uncoerced empathy!). They may “ask without asking” or use emotional levers such as guilt and obligation to position people in ways that suit them. The woman who tells her husband, “Oh, I love how comfortable you are with being an underachiever. It’s really inspiring how you don’t care what other people think of you,” is being manipulative if she knows that this will push him to take a higher-paying job that she wants him to take. A manipulative communicator might see someone enjoying their lunch at work and say, seemingly to no one in particular in a high-pitched, condescending voice, “Oh, that looks delicious. Aren’t you lucky? I wish I could eat such fancy stuff like that for lunch every day.

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Oh well." Manipulative communication can sometimes “work,” but more often than not it is rightly perceived by others as artificial, condescending, and untrustworthy. If outright tricks and lies are used, the communication style can fail badly and the person not only fails to get what they want, but they shut off potential genuine avenues of connection and understanding—shooting themselves in the foot, basically. Now, in reading about these four communication styles, you can probably see that you’ve been guilty of all of them at least at some point in your life. You can also probably see that they overlap one another and that the tactics in each style can vary in intensity. Few people use any single type exclusively in their communication, but it is worth asking honestly about patterns that you observe in yourself. There are countless shades and nuances possible when we think about how not to communicate.

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Ultimately, though, there’s one thing to keep in mind: None of them really WORK. In other words, the above four communication styles are “bad” not because they use lies, passivity, or force, but rather because they don’t achieve the main goal of communication. Why do people communicate? There are only a few primary reasons: •To get our needs met •To share our experience and express who we are •To solve problems •To connect with another human being The above communication styles are actually attempts to meet some or all of these goals. Usually, however, they achieve the exact opposite result. While it can be fun to identify annoying communication patterns in others, there is more to be gained by honestly asking where we ourselves fall short of ideal communication patterns. Do we have a tendency to be aggressive, passive, passive-aggressive, or manipulative?

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Or even all four? Perhaps we are passive in some situations, and in others, overly aggressive or manipulative. For many people, they can communicate well when they feel safe and happy, but when threatened or tired, they can revert to less-than-ideal communication tactics. It helps to be aware of maladaptive communication strategies, but let’s also look at how we can best communicate, i.e., how we can meet our needs, express ourselves, and solve problems in a way that actually works. The truth is that genuine, healthy, and respectful communication is just so much easier and more pleasant. The Assertive Communicator This is a healthy, balanced, and conscious way of communicating. It’s the ability to express needs, wants, thoughts, and feelings in a direct and assertive way without ever disrespecting or controlling the way others think or feel, controlling what they do, or undermining what they need.

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This is the communication style that comes from a healthy self-esteem paired with a healthy sense of respect and compassion for others. Have you ever encountered somebody who just exuded a sense of okayness? They might have seemed perfectly relaxed, calm, and self-possessed, and after speaking to them, you felt that they were kind and friendly, but not that they were pushovers. They didn’t seem flustered, inhibited, forceful, or shy, but neither did they seem arrogant and in-your-face. Chances are, this stable, comfortable feeling you felt in their presence was due to their communication style. In non-verbal expression, such people are self-controlled, balanced, relaxed, open, and respectful—and that means respect for themselves and others. Because of this, other people trust and like them, and if they don’t, at the very least they know where they stand.

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People do not feel obliged to take care of them or forced to do things they don’t want to in order to appease them. In the company of a person who communicates this way, things are clear, direct, mature, respectful, and relaxed no matter the kind of conversation unfolding. They can say, “You know what, to be honest, I don’t really feel like going out drinking tonight. I’m in the mood to just get some takeout and relax at home. What do you think? We could still pick up a couple of beers ... ” They can express their needs or desires clearly, directly, and politely (“Oh, wow, that looks amazing! Would you mind if I had a tiny taste?”) and simply don’t need to control others or get them to take care of them (for example, no fishing for compliments needed because you are happy and confident with your choices and don’t need external validation for them).

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Finally, assertive communicators are flexible and can set healthy boundaries when necessary, but they can also be open, trusting, and vulnerable at other times. The first thing to realize is that certain communication styles are simply not effective and will not get you the results you want. How you communicate is a choice. You can make the best choice when you consciously understand what you’re doing and why it’s not working ... so you can choose something that will work. Every endeavor to improve must begin with a level of self-awareness. There is no shame or blame in identifying the current limits and blind spots in your own communication style. The quality of our relationships with others comes down to the quality of our communication.

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And guess what? The quality of our communication comes down one hundred percent to us and what we consciously choose for ourselves. For now, be curious about what isn’t working for you communication-wise. Think back to conflicts or communication breakdowns in the past and see if you can identify some of these less-than-helpful styles in yourself, the other person ... or both. Before we continue, consider the attitude that inspires a healthy and assertive communication style. Read the following sentiments. Do any seem particularly alien to you or difficult to agree with?

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This might be a clue to the aspects of assertive communication you could develop in yourself: “All people are equally entitled to express themselves as long as they’re respectful." “I’m confident in who I am, and I like myself." “I have choices." “I take responsibility for getting my needs met." “I am comfortable speaking honestly and clearly." “I am calm, positive, and measured when dealing with others." “I don’t need to or want to control others—I am more interested in self-mastery."

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“I like to seek compromise and balance." “I value my rights immensely. I also wouldn’t dream of infringing on someone else’s rights." “Nobody owes me anything." In the interest of increasing self-awareness, ask yourself the following questions: What is my main style of communication? What aspect of assertive communication do I find most difficult? What would I most like to improve about the way I communicate?

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Another way to gain insight into your own communication blind spots is to become more aware of how other people communicate with you. When you talk to someone, pay close attention to how they express their needs, how they’re making you feel, and how much you trust them. Pay attention to your overall relationship with this person and how their communication style impacts that. Then, make inferences to your own style—do you have any of those annoying habits? What works and how can you learn to do the same yourself? That wraps up this first episode from Patrick King's book Conversational Skills Training. Be sure to check out the author's website at bit.ly.slash.pkconsulting and check the show notes for links to Audible and Amazon where you can find this book.

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Thanks for joining us today. We hope to join us next Tuesday as we find out more tips and tricks on how to be more likeable, more charismatic, and more productive.