Regulating Your Own Emotions

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th,: 2024

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ck created the SCARF model in: 2008

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Rock claimed that we need to start with an understanding of where strong emotions come from in the first place. He believed that people always act so to gain access to rewards while avoiding threats. They do this in accordance with five potential human needs: 1. Our need for Status relative to other people and to feel important 2. Our need for Certainty and knowing the future is predictable and in our control 3. Our need for Autonomy and the ability to feel like we determine our lives 4. Our need for Relatedness to others and to feel like we belong socially 5. Our need for Fairness and justice If one or more of these needs are not being met, a person might start to react emotionally, since it feels like a threat. In high-stakes conversations, then, one of our main goals should be to lower this sense of emotional threat so that we can start to access our slower and more rational thinking process—and find our way out of the problem. Sounds reasonable, but how do you actually do that? The steps outlined above (setting practical and emotional groundwork, engaging your compassion, planning a time and place, etc.) are all going to help, but so will some of the following principles: •Before you do anything, just observe. Note your own emotional responses that you’re bringing to the table and try to put a label on them. •Next, try to observe the thought process, interpretations, and personal narratives that are set in motion by these emotions.

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Take an inventory of your opinions, your assumptions, your understanding of the purpose of the conversation, your interpretation of a shared event, and what you see as the ideal outcome. •Think about what your thoughts and feelings are telling you about the need that is currently going unmet. Are you feeling that your autonomy is threatened? Are you scared about losing relatedness or feeling angry about an attack on your sense of fair play? •Use your understanding of all these things to start to put a frame around the discussion. These are not just space and time limits, but personal boundaries. For example, you might decide that you want to have a mediator present or make it clear upfront what you are and are not willing to accept during the course of the conversation. If you find that your emotions are getting the better of you, stop, take a deep breath, and consciously remind yourself of why that emotion is there.

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Try to address it and then refocus on what you’ve identified as your goal. Keep your eyes on a potential solution and don’t be distracted by emotion. If you notice strong emotions in the other person, you can do something similar. Try to ask compassionate questions to get to the root of what they’re feeling and why, and try to find a solution in which both of you have your needs addressed. It will feel so much easier to get a handle on strong feelings if both of you know a potential way forward and have a clear plan for what can be practically done about the problem. Assertive Communication John asks Lana if she wants to hang out. Lana isn’t interested in the least, but she’s also afraid of coming across as rude, so she agrees. The two go on a date, and just as it’s about to end, John pushes to meet again; Lana feels the whole thing is getting pretty awkward by that point, but instead of saying she’s not interested, she makes an excuse ... and a plan for date two.

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Fast forward a month and John and Lana are having an outright conflict. Lana is mad that she’s been pestered by John, and John thinks it’s awful that he’s been strung along. What part of their communication was wrong? Well, all of it—the moment Lana failed to communicate her position assertively, she avoided temporary discomfort and replaced it with a much bigger problem later on. In an attempt to not hurt John’s feelings, she ironically ends up really hurting them. Most of us feel a little uncomfortable “asserting” ourselves now and then. The thing to remember is that communicating your needs, limits, and perspective with firmness and clarity actually saves you from a lot of future discomfort and awkwardness. In fact, it can help you avoid a world of conflict and misunderstanding.

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With good reason, most of us have been socialized to acquiesce, to cooperate and find harmony in social situations (some of us have been socialized to do this quite a lot!). We may unconsciously hold the belief that to be polite, we have to say yes ... which means that saying no means we’re being impolite. But is that really true? Sometimes saying no is the kindest and most courteous way forward, and saying yes is the quickest route to negative feelings, misunderstanding, and even disagreement. None of us have infinite resources and infinite time, and this means at some point, we all have to choose what we want to focus on and what we will have to pass up on. Furthermore, we will often encounter other people who have made different choices about their priorities and values than we have. This means that we have to say no to certain ideas, events, projects, commitments ... but also to people. Good communicators know that this isn’t a problem and not something you have to apologize for.

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In fact, gracefully asserting your own limits and boundaries is a way to help you more smoothly navigate social relationships, remove stress and drama, and command respect from others. It is never a zero-sum game where your needs and wants are pitted against someone else’s—communicating assertively still leaves plenty of room for everyone’s needs to be met, without resentment, passive aggression, guilt, or shame. It may seem counterintuitive, but having firm boundaries that are well communicated can actually bring you closer to others. The first step is to drop the assumption that assertiveness means being forceful, rude, dominating, or unkind. It means truly understanding that asserting yourself does not diminish anyone else. If Lana had kindly but firmly said, “You’re great, John, but to be honest I’m not interested,” it may have been awkward for a short moment, but ultimately, there would have been more clarity, more respect, and more understanding between them. What Makes Assertive Communicators Different If you’re someone who can recognize Lana and John’s story in your own life, you may have trouble asserting yourself. You may be an intelligent, self-aware, and well-spoken conversationalist who is good at listening and uses plenty of “clean” communication.

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Yet if you are routinely failing to speak up for yourself, and saying yes when you mean no, chances are you’re going to have more than your fair share of conflict. Assertive communicators are not loud, pushy, or arrogant. They never bully others, and they also don’t make hints or threats or use other passive-aggressive approaches. To really understand an assertive communicator, you need to see that their approach is one of balance: what is being balanced is their needs, rights, and limits, and their respect for everyone else’s needs, rights, and limits. They are essentially saying: I value and respect you. And I also value and respect myself. The and is important. An unassertive communicator will value and respect other people but not themselves, and an aggressive communicator will value only themselves and nobody else.

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The effective, assertive communicator understands that the magic happens somewhere in the middle. Ten Essential Assertive Communication Habits 1. They make direct, clear, friendly eye contact. They are present in the moment and aware of themselves and others. There is an honesty and sincerity in their company. 2. They hold their bodies in ways that are neither too rigid and stiff, nor weak and overly yielding. They stand tall but relaxed. They don’t slouch or cower, but neither do they have any force or tension in their gesture or posture. 3. They use a tone of voice that is steady, calm, and in control.

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It is one hundred percent unnecessary to raise your voice to assert yourself. In fact, violent or overly emotional language most often signals a loss of control and lack of security in one’s own position. 4. They have facial expressions that are open and receptive. 5. They pay attention to when and where they assert themselves by raising issues at the right time and place so they are most likely to be well received. 6. They never, ever resort to blame or accusation. Especially never threaten (for example, “If you don’t do this for me, I’m leaving you”). When we try to manipulate people this way, we are essentially only communicating our powerlessness. Asserting ourselves is about knowing who we are and what we want.

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We are stating our limits on our behavior, not making demands on someone else’s behavior. If someone cannot respect a boundary, then we follow through; we do not use our boundaries and assertions to control others. 7. They have crystal-clear expression. There is no room for wishy-washiness here. Say “I’m afraid I can’t do that for you” rather than “Hmm, this is a little difficult. I’m not sure ... ” 8. They use positive language. Having limits is not the end of the world, and saying no to something doesn’t make you wrong or bad. That means it’s perfectly possible to say no while keeping things friendly and polite.

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Assertive communicators also know how to frame their statements in terms of what is being gained rather than what is being lost. For example, “Could you put your socks in the laundry hamper? Then we’ll have a nice clean room” instead of “Could you stop leaving your socks everywhere and making the place look like a pigsty?" 9. They avoid criticism. Again, for example, phrases such as “I know I’m being silly about this, but could you please not say that word?” and “Do you not have manners?" are just plain criticisms rather than assertions (and yes, one can be critical of oneself!). 10. Finally, they gracefully accept when they are told no.

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One of the best ways you can communicate to others that you take personal boundaries seriously is to respect other people’s—no ifs, ands, or buts. Well, so much for the habits of assertive communication, but that still leaves us with the question of exactly how to say no, to set down limits, to turn people down, or to raise grievances. Let’s take a look at five different types of assertion—each one best suited for a particular social situation. Bear in mind that each will be most effective when the above ten habits are firmly in place. Type 1: Basic Assertion This is essentially a clear, neutral statement of our goals, ideas, emotions, limits, requirements, or feelings. It is something we are saying about ourselves. It is not the same as “truth,” but it is the same as “our truth,” and we state it plainly and confidently. For this reason, it’s important for this type of assertion to use “I” statements.

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“I can’t eat dairy, as I’m intolerant.” “I feel a little disappointed that the plans have been canceled." “I think this is a bad idea." “I need to leave at five if I want to make my appointment." Basic assertions are best used in those low-stakes, everyday situations where you need to make others aware of your needs, limits, and perspectives. They help us make the tiny course corrections to daily life that mean we avoid bigger misunderstandings later. Just remember to keep things short and sweet and don’t make your claim as though you are inviting opinions or asking for permission. If you can’t eat dairy, just say so with as much clarity and simplicity as you would say “the sky is blue." If you launch into a five-minute speech about why you can’t and how you’re sorry for being inconvenient, you’re going too far.

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Type 2: Empathic Assertion Sometimes, though, what you are asserting will impact another person—sometimes quite negatively. The fact that someone will be unhappy with us setting a boundary doesn’t automatically mean we aren’t entitled to that boundary or that we are doing something wrong. But what it does mean is that we are obliged to consider and acknowledge their feelings. This is where empathy comes in handy. Crucially, empathy doesn’t mean we capitulate to unreasonable demands or apologize for having limits. It means we have limits while still having empathy for the fact that others might not like it. Use this type of assertion when you know that the other person might not like what you’re saying. Begin with your acknowledgment of their thoughts, feelings, and opinions; genuinely and kindly show empathy for their position, then reiterate your own with the same level of kindness.

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Here, you need to pay more attention to finding balance. Making a firm assertion should not mean you’re rude, and simultaneously being kind should not mean you have to soften your assertion. “I appreciate that it’s not convenient for you, but I simply won’t be available that day." “I know this hasn’t been easy for you, either, but that’s my decision." Type 3: Consequence Assertion Let’s ramp this up a little. The consequence assertion is for those times in life when you need to communicate an if/then quality to your assertions. You need to let other people know that there are consequences to their behaviors and exactly what those repercussions will be. This can be an extremely tricky thing to navigate since the wrong tone or choice of words can make it seem like you are trying to forcefully control or modify someone else’s behavior, manipulate them, or make ultimatums.

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It's worth thinking carefully through your message for some time before speaking up. Sort it out in your own mind first and be honest about whether you may in fact be trying to strong-arm the other person or use guilt, shame, or obligation to control them. You need to understand for yourself how you will behave in certain conditions—not try to set the other person’s behavior for them. Often, tactics like this can backfire because the other person calls your bluff, quickly revealing that you are not in fact prepared to follow through with the consequences, and that your assertion was nothing more than a plot for control. Before you make a consequence assertion, ask whether there are other options before escalating this way. Only resort to this kind of assertion when you feel boundaries have already been violated or ignored, and when you realistically feel that you can and will follow through with consequences. When you make the assertion, keep all the ten points from above in mind; the firmness of your assertion comes from your own conviction, not from how blunt you are or how loud you speak. “If you keep speaking to me like that, I’m going to have to insist we go our separate ways."

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“Unless you can produce the documents we’ve requested, I will need to raise an issue with the ombudsman." Type 4: Discrepancy Assertion Of course, people do make mistakes, and nobody is perfect. Sometimes, people step over the line or break a clearly stated boundary by accident or just because they’re not paying attention. If you’ve already made an agreement with someone and they then fail to follow up on their side of the deal, then you may need to make a discrepancy assertion. This is when you draw the other person’s attention to the difference between what was promised and what was delivered. In a way, agreements, contracts, and deals are simply boundaries that both parties set. If you’re in a professional or more formal context, you will need to know how to politely but firmly draw attention to moments when agreements have been dishonored. The best way to do this is to frame it initially as a misunderstanding, and position the request for correction as something that you are jointly embarking on: “The requested documents appear to not have been submitted yet.

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If they already have, please ignore this message and accept our apologies. If not, please be reminded that the due date has now passed, which is in violation of the contract." This frames the issue neutrally, without making threats or placing blame, but rather shining a light on a discrepancy and subtly pointing out the natural, obvious consequences. Should such an assertion still be ignored, then the clear next step is to follow through with those consequences. Type 5: Negative Feelings Assertion If you have a personal situation in which you have a strong grievance you want to share with the other person, then you need to know how to assert how you feel. You want to call attention to the negative feelings you’re experiencing as a result of their behavior. This can be done in a calm, controlled, and, yes, even respectful way. You will feel better for articulating your pain, and you will also give the other person plenty of opportunity to rectify things.

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Importantly, this is the kind of assertion best made in private, in interpersonal relationships, and is usually inappropriate for professional contexts. Include a few key components: an objective description of their behavior, the objective impact of that behavior on you, your feelings as a result, and a clear statement for how you wish them to behave in the future: “You were half an hour late this morning. As a result, I missed my appointment and won’t get another one for two weeks. I’m absolutely livid. I need you to promise me that this won’t happen again, and that you’ll set alarms for yourself like we talked about." Bonus: The Broken Record Technique In an ideal world, you’d state your boundary and people would instantly hear you and respect your limits. In the real world, there are some people who can’t help but test this boundary and push and push to see how much you really mean it (for example, every two-year-old in the world!). Such boundary-pushers will try all sorts of tactics to get you to budge.

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The broken record technique, however, makes you impervious to these tactics, because you don’t react—you simply restate your assertion over and over and over again, like a broken record. If you budge even a little, the nagging might continue, so be sure to be boringly consistent and make the same assertion again till the other person gets tired of trying to push you. Though you can paraphrase the language, do not change the message in the least, or add or take away anything. Be like a smooth, grey rock that simply cannot be negotiated with. “Can you look after Buster?" “I’m allergic to cats. I can’t, I’m sorry." “But he’ll be in the other room most of the time."

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“I can’t, I’m sorry. As I said, I’m allergic." “But you won’t even be spending that much time with him." “Yeah, I know, but I can’t. I’m allergic to cats." “Wow, you are so mean, you know that?" “Okay, fine, but I can’t do it, as I said, because I’m allergic. Sorry."

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Give and Take: The Art of Feedback Effective communicators are just as good at giving feedback as they are at receiving it. Let’s take a look at each skill in turn. First, how do you give good feedback? As with so many of the other communication skills we’ve explored, good feedback is done consciously and deliberately. Be mindful of your language and keep in mind the ultimate purpose of communication. In this case, the goal of giving feedback is not to shame, control others, or make yourself look smart. Rather, it’s about communicating something that will ultimately be useful to the other person—and possibly to you as well. That means that your goal is to avoid as much as possible anything that will interfere with the other person hearing something genuinely useful.

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The Best Way to Give Feedback Whatever situation you find yourself in, try to make sure your feedback follows these criteria: 1. It is about actions, choices, words, and behaviors, and not about people 2. It contextualizes that behavior by clearly describing the effect it has on you 3. It is specific 4. It is timely (i.e., delivered as close to the behavior as possible while staying appropriate) If you are unhappy with an employee’s behavior, but you tell them while they are in the breakroom with their colleagues, “You’re irresponsible and have ruined things with this client,” then you have not given them feedback, but more or less insulted them. Notice that every one of the above four rules is broken. A better approach would be to call them aside in a specifically planned meeting and say, “Breaching the client’s privacy by sharing their personal information is not only illegal, it reflects really badly on me and means I have a lot of work to do now." This is specific, delivered at an appropriate time and place, and targets what the employee has actually done, rather than who they are as a person (“irresponsible”). This passes the test of being “useful” because it shows the employee exactly what they have done wrong and why it has inconvenienced you, whereas the only response to the previous feedback is to feel bad! Of course, not all feedback is this “negative." Sometimes you will want to let someone know when they’ve done something right, and all the same principles apply. Sure, sometimes you just want to compliment someone, but if you intend to give feedback, be specific and make sure it’s something the other person can actually use or act on.

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For example, “You’re such an amazing employee” may feel nice, but “I really appreciate how you take initiative—it makes my life so much easier!” is more actionable and useful. The Situation-Behavior-Impact (SBI) model is a framework that can help you ensure you tick all the boxes when providing feedback. SBI makes it more likely that other people will hear your feedback and take it onboard, rather than resist it, ignore it, or take offense. Here’s how it recommends you structure your feedback: S is for Situation: First describe the situation. Yes, you guessed it—you should aim to be as neutral and objective as possible. Be straightforward and describe things how an uninvolved third party might describe them. For now, just state the facts. B is for Behavior: Now you move on to describing the behavior of the other person.

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Again this is just description—you are not interpreting, passing judgment, or saying what you think either way. Also avoid trying to mindread and guess why they have behaved as they have, or what they want or value. You want to cultivate an open, curious, and respectful frame here. I is for Impact: As before, state your own resulting thoughts, feelings, or behaviors. As far as possible, try to focus on information that is quantifiable or can be measured. Be too vague and you’ll get lost. Instead, focus on external, observable behavior and describe it in terms of how you’ve experienced it. Importantly, don’t make blanket statements about what their behavior is more generally.

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Stick to how it affects you. If you follow the above outline, you will likely avoid a few pitfalls: you won’t get distracted by irrelevant behavior or either of your personalities or values because you’ll focus only on specific actions. You won’t cause offense or resistance because you are not attacking the person but making observations about their behavior, and in such a way that they can’t help but see the same thing. Finally, you avoid overstepping and making claims about their behavior more generally because you only focus on the zone of control you’re in charge of: how their behavior affects you. In our previous example, if you had told your employee that their being irresponsible was something that everyone thought, and that they always behaved this way, and that they were probably irresponsible in their personal lives, too, you’d naturally be overstepping! Instead, keep your focus narrow, stick to one issue at a time, and be specific with it. Try to avoid observations about their judgment, choices, values, personality, and so on, and focus on what they have concretely done. Rather than frame someone’s performance on a presentation as them being nervous, focus on how they spoke too quickly or stared at the floor a little too much.

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And instead of saying something like, “People can’t hear you in the back,” say “I had trouble hearing everything you said." Other ways to help feedback go down smoothly: •Ask questions. Be curious about their perspective on the issue and show that you have respect for it. •If possible, give the person a way forward: Make a plan for the next move. How can progress be measured? Let them know. •Don’t draw things out—receiving feedback can be uncomfortable, so get to the point fast. The Best Way to Receive Feedback First things first: receiving feedback (of any kind) is never a problem.

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Even if it feels really bad in the moment or catches you by surprise, and even if it seems dangerously closer to being an insult and doesn’t follow any of the rules discussed in the last section. Being an effective communicator means you have enough faith in yourself that you do not fear other people’s opinions, whatever they may be. That said, there will probably be times in life where feedback throws you. Here’s how to handle it with grace and turn it to your advantage. Feedback can vary according to two dimensions: It can be expected or unexpected, and it can be positive or negative. That gives us four possible combinations. If feedback is expected and positive Hooray for you! This one’s easy—celebrate your achievement and be proud of yourself.

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If you like, make a note of what worked and commit to continuing to do it. If feedback is expected and negative For example, you’ve been called in for a performance review after a disastrous year. It hurts to hear, but you know there’s truth in it; the way forward is to take action. Set objectives and goals for yourself and get moving—don’t allow yourself to wallow in self-pity or be tempted to passively blame others. One of the best ways to empower yourself in the face of shortcomings is to find out exactly what you can do to learn. Any temporary embarrassment you feel will fade away; in fact, you can take a less-than-ideal situation and impress others with your ability to turn it around. If feedback is unexpected and positive In other words, a pleasant surprise. Bear in mind that feedback isn’t always necessarily correct—and that applies to praise and compliments, too.

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Think about how valid the feedback is and ask what you can do to apply it to your life if it is valid. What did you do that worked? Repeat this behavior or see if you can make it a habit. If someone has complimented a skill or attribute, see if you’re doing everything you can to support and develop that trait in yourself. If feedback is unexpected and negative We saved the worst for last. Hearing from out of the blue that you’ve done a bad job can be difficult, and it will always be so, no matter how high your self-esteem! The first thing to remember is not to react immediately, if possible. Remember that strong negative emotions can dampen your slower, more rational mind from stepping in, so try to just absorb and process what you’ve heard before reacting.

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Next, seek to validate what you’ve been told. Sometimes feedback is completely groundless; sometimes it’s right on the money—chances are, your bad feedback falls somewhere in the middle. Be honest with yourself. Look at the impact you might have had on other people, and think about things you might have previously overlooked. Keep in mind that everyone will have different expectations, values, and beliefs. Keep in mind also that even if someone has delivered their feedback poorly, it doesn’t mean there isn’t potential value in what they’re saying. Once you’ve processed things in this way, again orient yourself toward action. What can you practically change given this insight?

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What can your next step be? What new goals does this inspire? What are you currently doing that isn’t working? Whatever you do, try to remember that feedback is about actions, not people. That means that even though it’s human to respond emotionally to feedback, you can cut yourself some slack and resist judging yourself, your personality, etc. If it helps, reframe things so that there are always three parties: you, the other person, and the issue at hand. Whether you are giving or receiving feedback, try to imagine that you’re always on the same side as the other person, and it’s you versus the issue, rather than you versus them. Summary: •Conflict is inevitable whenever people differ, but it can be managed with grace and tact.

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Try to understand the type of conflict: affective, substantive, conflict of interest, retributive, conflict in values, goal conflict, or displaced conflict from somewhere else. •According to the Thomas Kilmann model, people come into conflict simply because they have different ideas, values, motivations, or wants. There are five conflict-resolution strategies according to degree of empathy and assertiveness: competing, avoiding, accommodating, collaborating, and compromising. Each has pros and cons and is best used in specific circumstances. Compromising (medium assertiveness and medium empathy) is usually a good bet all around. •VOMP is an acronym that can help you pause, regulate your own emotional response, and plan to respond consciously during conflict. It stands for ventilation (speak your peace), ownership (own your part in the conflict), moccasins (have empathy), and plan. •Crucial conversations are characterized by high stakes, opposing viewpoints, and strong emotions.

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Be clear and understand the conversation’s purpose, then pick the right time and place. Show compassion, take responsibility, and separate fact from fiction. •Regulate your own emotions by being aware of the underlying needs they express: status, certainty, autonomy, relatedness, and fairness. •Be assertive and communicate your needs, limits, and perspective with clarity and kindness. Be clear, calm, firm, open, in control, and respectful. Decide on the type of assertion that best fits your needs: basic, empathic, consequence, discrepancy, or negative feelings assertion. •When it comes to giving or receiving feedback, remember that it is about behaviors and actions and not about people. Be kind, but also don’t take things too personally.

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And there you have it, folks. We explored the art of regulating your own emotions, drawing wisdom from Patrick King's How to Speak Effectively. Remember, mastering your emotions paves the way for better communication, stronger relationships, and a more confident you. Head over to our website, bidley slash pkconsulting, for even more social skills, hacks, and resources. Don't forget to subscribe so you never miss an episode, and if you enjoyed today's show, leave us a review. Your feedback helps us reach more amazing listeners like you. Until next time, stay likeable, stay charismatic, and stay productive.