ACTIVE AND CONSTRUCTIVE RESPONDING

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,: 2022

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Consider the following situation. You’ve just been nominated for an award at work that you never in a million years thought you’d be eligible for. You’re over the moon, and by the time you get home that evening, you’re bursting with excitement. Your roommate is already home, and you excitedly tell them the good news, with plenty of expansive and energetic body language, big smiles, and rapid talking. Maybe you even make a few excited squeals or do an impromptu happy dance in the kitchen! Your roommate sees all of this from their spot on the couch, and says, without looking up from the old Law and Order episodes they’re rewatching, “You go, girl, that is so amazing. Proud of you. Did I tell you the toilet’s blocked again, by the way?" Let’s take a closer look at the roommate’s response.

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They clearly have listened, and they obviously have detected that you’re excited and want acknowledgement of your good news. They say all the right things, but ... the response is just one hundred percent wrong, isn’t it? Why? Much of the advice out there on how to be a good friend and make better conversation is geared around how to be compassionate and nonjudgmental to people who may be sharing sensitive or unhappy information with you. But what about when people share their good news? It turns out that your responses to that are just as important, if not more so. Psychologist Shelly Gable coined the term “active and constructive responding”—and it’s something that was entirely absent from the fictional roommate’s response to someone else’s good news. She explains how there are two main variables when it comes to responding to someone’s good news: 1. How active versus passive 2. How constructive versus destructive These two variables create a matrix of four possible reaction types. Let’s look at each in turn and see if you can identify which one matches the roommate’s response.

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Passive and Destructive Response A: “Oh my God! I won the lottery! Woohoo!" B: “Huh. And here I am worrying about how to make rent next month." A: “Well, thank God, I’ve finished work for today and have the afternoon off!" B: “Uh huh” (looks at phone). Passive here means not just low energy and effort, but also a kind of failure to match the energy of the news being shared. Destructive refers to the damage done to the connection between A and B—after such a response, the conversation is likely to rupture or fizzle out.

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Whether the “news” is that big of a deal or not, it’s about the level of energy and enthusiasm being shared, and how much of that is being acknowledged and mirrored by the listener. This kind of response is characterized by a tendency to ignore or avoid the speaker and what they’re saying, or to focus on the self rather than the speaker. Active and Destructive Response A: “Oh my God! I won the lottery! Woohoo!" B: “Wow, way to brag about it. Are you trying to make other people feel bad or what?" A: “Well, thank God, I’ve finished work for today and have the afternoon off!" B: “Big deal."

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This kind of response is also destructive, but it does even more damage because it is actively, deliberately, and forcefully so. This is a person who either intends to show hostility or has unintentionally revealed their negative feelings about what’s been shared. Either way, the effect is to make the speaker feel dismissed, demeaned, and undermined. It’s the opposite of support and validation. Occasionally an active destructive response masquerades as “concern” or helpful “advice." If someone excitedly tells you they won the lottery, for example, and you immediately launch into warnings about how they mustn’t ruin their lives with the money, and to watch out for scammers and greedy friends, they are actually responding to the good news as though it were bad news ... and this response is just as actively destructive. Passive and Constructive Response A: “Oh my God! I won the lottery! Woohoo!"

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B: “Good for you. That’s nice” (then says nothing further). A: “Well, thank God, I’ve finished work for today and have the afternoon off!" B: (distracted with something) A: “I think I might head out to the pool later." B: “Oh yeah, cool. Good idea." This response type is a lot better than the previous two because it is constructive—i.e., it acknowledges and supports the positive content of what is being shared. What’s missing, however, is a reflection of the emotion and energy behind what’s being shared. These responses are generally “nice” but lack energy and enthusiasm and may be too quiet, subdued, or delayed to feel good for the speaker.

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Active and Constructive Response A: “Oh my God! I won the lottery! Woohoo!" B: “WHAT!? I can’t believe it! Amazing." A: “Well, thank God, I’ve finished work for today and have the afternoon off!" B: “Oh, you lucky devil. I’m so jealous.

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Any plans?" This response is the ideal one because it actively matches the energy level of the speaker, but also offers constructive, supportive listening that will make the speaker feel seen and heard. Note in the first example above that B responds with plenty of enthusiasm, while in the second the response is still positive but somewhat less enthusiastic. Both of them, however, are constructive, active responses because they are pitched at the same level as the speaker. In the first example, the speaker is really excited—and the listener reciprocates. In the second example, the speaker is pleased with the situation but not ecstatic; again the listener acknowledges and reflects this. This raises a subtle but related point: A response that is more active than the speaker’s own expression is not as supportive. A: “Well, thank God, I’ve finished work for today and have the afternoon off!" B: “WHAT!?

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I can’t believe it! Amazing." The effect is a little like what happens when overly enthusiastic family members go a little overboard in their praise for someone’s achievement, much to their embarrassment. It’s worth being careful about this and paying attention not merely to the content of the message and what you think of it, but of the feeling and energy behind the message and what the speaker thinks of it. If someone pulls you aside and says with a slight frown, “Okay, don’t tell anyone, but I’ve won a tiny bit of money in the lottery,” then a supportive and active response might be to whisper back, “You have? Oh, wow. Tell me more." Now, reading the above four types of responses, you can probably guess that the roommate from the very first example was using a passive, constructive approach—not great! It would have been far better for them to communicate that they had seen and understood your excitement by showing genuine interest, excitement, or even pride at what you’d told them.

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Shelly Gable’s big contribution to this discussion is perhaps the fact that active listening and question-asking do not necessarily show support or compassion. Most conversations usually unfold at several levels at once. On one level, there is body language. On another, there is the factual content in the words you’re speaking and the information you’re sharing. On another level still, there’s nonverbal information that comes from the feeling, intention, and meaning of the facts being communicated. The more literal-minded among us might fail to see that when a person shares good news, they are not conveying information in the ordinary sense. They are usually sharing information in a conscious or unconscious bid for you to recognize and affirm how they’re feeling. Most people share good news because they want others to confirm and validate those good feelings, reflect them, or perhaps even praise and support them. If you fail to recognize that this is the unspoken request being made of you, you might inadvertently disappoint or even offend someone.

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Sometimes, adults can take this position with their children and forget to actively praise or support their efforts. If a child announces an achievement they’ve made at school, for example, there could be a range of invalidating responses. “Great. Now eat your dinner, please." (Passive destructive.) “So you got ninety out of hundred? Where did the other ten marks go?" (Active destructive.) “Aw, well done, honey."

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(Said on autopilot while distracted—passive constructive.) So much damage to relationships of all kinds exists not because people are genuinely hostile to one another, or because they’re bad people. Instead, it’s often nothing more than a lack of awareness and not being mindful of the subtler nonverbal purpose of certain kinds of communication. A child may announce they’ve made the team, and in response the parent starts complaining immediately about how they’ll arrange lifts to practice or how much the sports uniform might cost. It's not enough to just feel pleased and happy for someone in an abstract way—you need to actively communicate that. If someone’s good news doesn’t in fact make you happy, then the compassionate and mature thing to do is suspend your own perspective for a moment and focus on theirs. Your focus should be on maintaining rapport and connection. Celebrate with them to the extent you can, and separate any of your own negative feelings and shelve them for another time. Finally, it’s worth noting here that our responses should never be solely verbal, either.

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A truly active and constructive response makes use of body language, posture, voice, and gesture: 1. Smile 2. Make eye contact 3. Use open, friendly body language angled toward the speaker 4. Match their voice and vocal expression (if their pitch is high and they’re talking rapidly, do the same) The Perfect Compliment Unlike the common wisdom tells us, flattery can indeed get you everywhere! Every human being alive loves to be seen, heard, and validated. And there isn’t a person on this planet who doesn’t love hearing a genuine and thoughtful compliment. But you can probably agree that somebody muttering “You go, girl, you’re amazing” on autopilot is not going to have this effect! Compliments are like magic gold dust that supercharge connection and rapport—if they’re done right. A good compliment has three key features: 1. It’s genuine 2. It’s specific 3. It’s appropriate On the first point, this should be obvious—a fake compliment is worse than useless and can actually undermine connection. This is why, even if you genuinely mean it, you should avoid saying cliché things like “You’ve got this” or “I’m proud of you!" They will not be heard as genuine. Nobody benefits if you are perceived to be handing out a compliment just for the sake of it, or worse, using it to get your way.

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That’s why a good rule of thumb is to use compliments—but rarely. Try not to offer more than one per interaction, and only say what you sincerely mean. Also, avoid offering a compliment immediately after someone gives you one, or else it will naturally appear transactional and not spontaneous. The specificity of a compliment matters most. The golden rule is: compliment people on what they themselves will find most meaningful. You’ll have to pay attention to context and listen carefully to figure out exactly what they do find meaningful and what they are proud of. Always avoid giving people compliments on things they actually had no part in creating. For example, saying that someone is beautiful/attractive/handsome may seem like a nice thing to say, but the truth is that someone’s attractiveness is largely a genetic accident out of their control. That means praising it is not really praising them and will always be felt as a little hollow.

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What’s more, you might give the subtle impression that their value as a person comes from this completely random and arbitrary feature of theirs—even if they don’t acknowledge it consciously to themselves, they may think, “Well, people are nice to me and like me ... as long as I’m beautiful/attractive/handsome." It would be far better to give these compliments instead: “Wow, you have the most amazing taste in jewelry." “Has anyone ever told you that you have really lovely eyes? Your kindness just shines through." “You have such a good eye for fashion. I love the outfits you put together." It’s not the case that you can’t compliment people on appearances—the above examples do just that, but they do so in a way that acknowledges the person’s deeper qualities, their values, skills, talents, and deliberate choices. For example, their eyes are pretty—but because they show how kind the person is. Their jewelry and clothes are great because they show their excellent taste, and so on.

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This is likely to be far more meaningful and memorable. If you notice someone takes pride in their home, compliment them on how clean and tidy everything is. If someone clearly sees their intelligence and work ethic as a big part of their identity, compliment them on how well organized and persuasive their arguments are. If someone has given plenty of clues that they value family more than anything in the world, compliment them on how well-adjusted and happy their kids seem. The last thing you want to do is compliment someone on something they don’t care about—or actively devalue. Finally, consider context and appropriateness. You might genuinely believe someone is sexy and have reason to think they value being seen this way, but if that person is a subordinate at work, for example, you’d be crazy to give them that kind of compliment! Here are a few more compliment faux pas to avoid: •Unless you know the person well, avoid asking where they bought something or where it comes from. •Avoid bringing money into things, and don’t say things like “Oh, it looks so expensive” or “I love your shoes.

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How much did they cost?" •Don’t ask if something is real or genuine (especially not body parts!). •Just don’t mention weight or body size at all. It’s a minefield. Instead of saying “You look great. Have you lost weight?" just say “You look great!" The same thing goes for age—i.e., don’t assume that someone will be flattered if you tell them they look younger than they are. •Avoid underhanded compliments—i.e., “Wow, your quiche is surprisingly good, actually!"

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•Don’t put yourself down in order to compliment others—it will diminish the perceived value and truth of what you’re saying and is a subtle way of making things about you. So, for example, don’t say “Oh, wow, you look amazing in that suit ... makes me feel like a dog’s breakfast,” but just say “You look amazing in that suit,” and leave it at that. What about receiving compliments? Well, there’s an art to that too. Get into the habit of pausing, smiling warmly, making eye contact, and saying simply “Thank you." That’s all you need to do. Avoid the temptation to argue, to be demure, or to rush in and say something nice about them. Likewise, there’s no need to start boasting or start elaborating on the compliment. Without being overly modest or arrogant, gracefully accept and move on.

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Summary: •Give the gift of solid, respectful attention at all times. Listen generously, as though you are prepared to hear the value, the sense, and the meaning in everything you hear. Don’t let your desire to seem like a good listener get in the way of actually being one. Let people know you are listening with small verbal and nonverbal gestures. •Try not to let your own perspective impair your ability to understand somebody else’s. Start from a position of ignorance and work your way up to real understanding, rather than making assumptions about what other people’s experiences mean. •To be a good listener, practice restating what you are told, paraphrase that content in your own words, summarize what you’re hearing in a useful way (or else condense things by labeling the core emotion), then potentially reframe the story or gently suggest something new if this might help solve a problem or create an emotional resolution. Do this without assumptions, biases, or interpretations, but with a mind to truly understand the other person’s point of view. •Your response to someone’s good news can vary, being passive or active, constructive or destructive.

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Aim for active, constructive responses that acknowledge and reflect the emotion and energy in a speaker’s message. •Give compliments—but keep them rare, sincere, specific, and appropriate. •Avoid giving advice. Problem-solving, creativity, and conflict resolution are best achieved with a gentler frame shift and helping people discover what they themselves think, rather than telling them. Thanks for joining us for this episode of Social Skills Coaching. Remember that you can join our author's email list at bit.ly-slash-pk-consulting. And I hope you'll tune in next week for more tips and tricks on how to become more likable, more charismatic, and more productive.