Everyone Needs Boundaries...Including You!
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• Everyone has a right to have boundaries. Try to reframe how you think of boundaries—they are there to protect and prioritize what’s important, and not shut someone out or offend them. Trust your own feelings and judgments instead of avoiding them.
• State your boundary and don’t overexplain or ask permission. Then, if a boundary is violated, follow up with appropriate action. A big part of healthy boundaries is respecting other people’s boundaries, too.
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Learn more or get a free mini-book on conversation tactics at https://bit.ly/pkconsulting
#Acquiescing #Assert #Boundary #Boundarysetting #Communicate #Peoplepleasers #Peoplepleasing #EveryoneNeedsBoundaries...IncludingYou! #RussellNewton #NewtonMG #PatrickKing #PatrickKingConsulting #SocialSkillsCoaching
Transcript
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Speaker:Russell and this is social skills coaching brought to you by Newton Media Group and
Speaker:Patrick King stick around and learn to be more likable more charismatic and more productive
Speaker:today is January 31st 2023.
Speaker:if you're the kind of person who's derived much of their self-identity from being nice
Speaker:kind accommodating or charitable then Patrick King has some advice for you to set up some boundaries
Speaker:this from his book stand up for yourself set boundaries and stop pleasing others foreign
Speaker:When you people-please, you often deny your own needs.
Speaker:You take the hit and quietly resent it, or bite your tongue when you desperately need to speak up.
Speaker:Poor boundaries dent your self-esteem, weaken your genuine connections to others,
Speaker:and sometimes force you to try to meet your needs indirectly, with bad results.
Speaker:If all of this is true, then why do people continue to have poor
Speaker:boundaries and choose people-pleasing instead?
Speaker:The reason is because there are benefits to being a people-pleaser.
Speaker:It actually does pay off—at least in the short term.
Speaker:In the moment, you may feel popular and in demand.
Speaker:People may approve of you, and you may even get the addictive ego-stroking that comes
Speaker:with people openly acknowledging that you are sacrificing yourself.
Speaker:“Oh, you’re a saint!
Speaker:Thank you so much.
Speaker:I don’t know what I’d do without you!”
Speaker:“He’s such a great guy.
Speaker:He’d give you the shirt off his back.”
Speaker:“You’re my star employee.
Speaker:You’re ultra-productive and nothing is ever too much trouble.”
Speaker:This high is momentary, though.
Speaker:What’s more, it’s usually quite superficial—i.e.,
Speaker:the approval you garner seems to rest entirely and exclusively on your doing what others wanted.
Speaker:How genuine could someone’s approval and respect have really been if it shatters
Speaker:the moment you dare to have your own opinion, limits, or priorities?
Speaker:If you’re the kind of person who has derived much of their self-identity from being nice,
Speaker:kind, accommodating, and charitable, this role can be hard to give up.
Speaker:That’s why you need to remind yourself of how expensive it is; i.e., what it costs you:
Speaker:your self-esteem, your sense of calm and balance, your dignity, your time and resources,
Speaker:and the opportunity to pursue your own life on your own terms according to your own values.
Speaker:That’s a big price to pay!
Speaker:People-pleasing has some benefits, but it has far, far more drawbacks.
Speaker:Setting appropriate boundaries is an adult life skill that everyone needs to master.
Speaker:Many people-pleasers unconsciously think, “Oh, setting boundaries is something other
Speaker:people do ... ” and they create a special exception for themselves.
Speaker:But it doesn’t matter if you’re a busy parent or an employee in a
Speaker:high-powered career ... everyone needs boundaries, including you.
Speaker:Before we look at how to set and maintain boundaries,
Speaker:let’s consider a few deeper core beliefs that may be standing in the way.
Speaker:You may say, “Oh, I couldn’t take a day off.
Speaker:The place would be a circus without me,” but deep down,
Speaker:your reason for not setting boundaries at work is not really because you are needed.
Speaker:Beneath this excuse may be beliefs like:
Speaker:I don’t deserve to get what I want or need.
Speaker:My needs aren’t that important, or not as important as other people’s.
Speaker:Having boundaries shows I’m weak and can’t cope.
Speaker:Having boundaries means I’m selfish and indulgent.
Speaker:I may not want to do things, but I have to if I want approval/safety/attention/love/validation.
Speaker:We’ve encountered these very same limiting and self-defeating beliefs before!
Speaker:And we’ve also seen that they’re just not accurate.
Speaker:If we want a happier, healthier life for ourselves, we need to
Speaker:seriously challenge these underlying assumptions, or nothing will change.
Speaker:Here are five tips to help you make that mindset shift one day at a time:
Speaker:Reframe What You Are Keeping OUT with Your Boundary
Speaker:When you erect a boundary, it’s to keep away things you don’t want in your life.
Speaker:You are not punishing anyone or pushing away something that is good for you.
Speaker:If you’re worried that having a boundary will offend or alienate people,
consider this:anyone who doesn’t respect a natural and reasonable
consider this:boundary is not someone you want in your life in the first place!
consider this:It is no prize to figure out how to manipulate yourself
consider this:in order to keep such a person in your world.
consider this:If you have poor boundaries, you actually end
consider this:up attracting precisely the kind of people who like pushing boundaries.
consider this:If you forfeit your own needs, you will find plenty of people around
consider this:you who are happy to follow your lead and do the same.
consider this:A boundary keeps out anyone or anything that will make never-ending demands on you.
consider this:That’s a good thing.
consider this:The next time you’re hesitant about saying no or drawing a limit
consider this:because you worry that you’re putting someone on the other side of the line,
consider this:remind yourself that this is behavior you want to put on the other side of the line.
consider this:Draw a line and put stress, obligation, guilt, and fear on the other side of it.
Mindset shift:“If I turn him down, he’ll be offended,” could be, “If I turn him down,
Mindset shift:I’ll feel less pressured and won’t have to deal with that feeling of guilt/obligation anymore,
Mindset shift:and I’ll feel more confident in myself and what I really want."
Mindset shift:You’re not keeping a good thing out (this man’s approval) but keeping a good thing
Mindset shift:in (your own self-confidence) and a bad thing out (his potential offense).
Mindset shift:Trust Your Feelings
Mindset shift:People-pleasers love dismissing their intuition, downplaying their emotions,
Mindset shift:and assuming that their reactions are silly, inaccurate, or disproportionate.
Mindset shift:It’s all just a way of saying, “My feelings don’t matter."
Mindset shift:They do matter!
Mindset shift:Your feelings matter because they allow you to recognize your own wants, needs, and limitations.
Mindset shift:They alert you to the fact of a potential boundary
Mindset shift:violation and let you know when you are pushing yourself too far.
Mindset shift:Your habit may be to quickly squash down any feelings of anger, fear,
Mindset shift:exhaustion, or disappointment.
Mindset shift:But instead, you could welcome these feelings and choose to listen to what they’re telling you.
Mindset shift:No, this doesn’t mean you lose control and let your feelings flood you;
Mindset shift:it just means you respect them.
Mindset shift:This teaches others to respect them, too.
Mindset shift:Trusting and naming your feelings is work nobody else can do for you.
Mindset shift:After someone invades your privacy, for example, and you feel a pang
Mindset shift:of anger, instead of swallowing this anger and saying, “Oh, it’s nothing, don’t worry,”
Mindset shift:you acknowledge your feelings and calmly say, “Actually, I’m not happy that you did that.”
Mindset shift:Your feeling of anger is the foundation on which you build your boundary.
Mindset shift:Without it, you are left floundering, trying to be “polite” and getting nowhere.
Mindset shift:Respect Other People’s Boundaries
Mindset shift:It may not be nice to hear, but people-pleasers can often
Mindset shift:be the worst offenders when it comes to walking over the boundaries of others.
Mindset shift:If we routinely dismiss our own needs, it’s actually easier to do the same to other peoples’.
Mindset shift:Our relationship with ourselves is always mirrored in the relationships we have with others.
Mindset shift:Person A could fail to establish a clear and solid boundary by not properly communicating their
Mindset shift:limits—for example, they fail to say, “I don’t like you dumping your emotional baggage on me.”
Mindset shift:Person B then violates that boundary, i.e., dumps a whole lot of emotional baggage on Person A.
Mindset shift:Person A is upset but, again, doesn’t communicate this feeling.
Mindset shift:They lash out at Person B—and in doing so, they break Person B’s boundary, in turn.
Mindset shift:Person A gets so frustrated that they share details of Person B’s life with someone else,
Mindset shift:encouraging gossip and violating Person B’s trust.
Mindset shift:Having poor boundaries is not just a private matter.
Mindset shift:The way we conduct ourselves is reflected in our relationships with others, and our
Mindset shift:attitude ripples out to influence our broader workplace cultures, families, and communities.
Mindset shift:Work at respecting and being grateful for other people’s clear and healthy boundaries.
Mindset shift:Practice what you preach.
Mindset shift:Instead of quietly thinking, “They always push me around, so they owe me,
Mindset shift:and that means I don’t really have to respect their boundaries,” think,
Mindset shift:“Respect is not a transaction or a bargaining chip.
Mindset shift:I accept other people’s boundaries gladly because it’s nothing less than I would expect for myself.”
Mindset shift:Give up Explaining
Mindset shift:People-pleasers, at their core,
Mindset shift:secretly feel that they don’t quite deserve to take up as much space as everyone else.
Mindset shift:For this, they apologize, and their apologies take the form
Mindset shift:of “explaining” and justifying their feelings, their actions, their choices.
Mindset shift:To whom?
Mindset shift:To the people they believe do deserve it.
Mindset shift:In other words, people-pleasers may make the unconscious assumption
Mindset shift:that the default is for them to put others first, and any time they don’t,
Mindset shift:they better explain themselves and have a good reason for doing so!
Mindset shift:“I can’t help out with the fundraiser, I’m so sorry.
Mindset shift:I’ve been having an awful time with my mental health lately,
Mindset shift:and really, it’s because I’ve taken too much on.
Mindset shift:I ordinarily would have said yes, but I’m pretty exhausted,
Mindset shift:and I think it might have something to do with the cold I caught two weeks back ... ”
Mindset shift:When you first start setting healthier boundaries,
Mindset shift:you may discover that there are lots of genuine reasons to have them.
you may have another insight:you also deserve to have a boundary for no reason at all!
you may have another insight:And even if you do have a reason, you’re not required to offer it to the other person.
you may have another insight:You can say no just because you want to say no, and you don’t owe anyone a long justification.
you may have another insight:You especially don’t want to get trapped into inappropriate oversharing.
you may have another insight:Say no, then stop talking.
you may have another insight:Assert your boundary, and just hold that boundary.
you may have another insight:Justifications often sound like excuses to other people, anyway,
you may have another insight:because unconsciously they will hear the hidden apology.
Mindset shift:“I have to tell them all the reasons I’m not doing what they want me to do”
Mindset shift:becomes “Is there any reason to do it?”
Mindset shift:Acquiescing endlessly to other people’s demands is not your default setting.
Mindset shift:Follow up with Action
Mindset shift:It can be scary asserting a boundary.
Mindset shift:Let’s say you have a demanding friend who always invites you out but pushes
Mindset shift:you to come on inconvenient days to places you don’t really like,
Mindset shift:and where half the time, you end up paying because they “forget” their wallet at home.
Mindset shift:This friend is constantly using you as free therapy, and you’re frankly a
Mindset shift:little fed up with the endless “emotion dumps” (hello, it’s Person B again).
Mindset shift:You decide to set some boundaries.
Mindset shift:For example:
Mindset shift:“I have work in the morning so I can’t do a late night, I’m afraid!”
Mindset shift:“I’ve been overspending on nights out lately.
Mindset shift:Would you like to do something that doesn’t cost anything, instead?
Mindset shift:Let’s do that hike we keep talking about.”
Mindset shift:“I’m sorry, can we talk about something else?”
Mindset shift:Most people mean well.
Mindset shift:If you set a reasonable and valid boundary with calm conviction,
Mindset shift:most people will respect it, even if it does take a few tries.
Mindset shift:But that’s most people—some people will see your boundary and walk right past it.
Mindset shift:What then?
Mindset shift:Implicit in any boundary is a soft ultimatum.
Mindset shift:You are announcing your limits, your desires, and the terms of engagement,
Mindset shift:i.e., the rules you have in place for how you interact with others.
Mindset shift:There is nothing wrong with this—we all have conditions on which we’ll engage with others.
Mindset shift:If those conditions aren’t met, we stop engaging, end of story.
Mindset shift:It can be helpful to literally sit down and draw up a list of “dealbreakers” for engaging with you.
Mindset shift:For example:
Mindset shift:I won’t tolerate lying.
Mindset shift:I won’t spend too much time on people who have no genuine interest in me as a person.
Mindset shift:I will never allow someone to belittle me or call me names.
Mindset shift:You don’t have to communicate these rules.
Mindset shift:You just have to know what they are, set your boundaries,
Mindset shift:and then, if those boundaries are violated, act.
Mindset shift:And yes, acting may mean reducing contact with that person.
Mindset shift:It may even mean permanently ending a relationship.
Mindset shift:For a people-pleaser, this can look like a scary outcome,
Mindset shift:but remind yourself that if someone repeatedly violates a clearly communicated boundary,
Mindset shift:then it is not you who is de-valuing your relationship, but them.
Mindset shift:You could say,
Mindset shift:“It will be a disaster if I have to put my foot down or end a relationship."
Mindset shift:Or you could say, “I don’t have to continue engaging with people who don’t respect me.
Mindset shift:The disaster would be to know I deserve respect ... and continue to
Mindset shift:tolerate a situation where I know I won’t get it.”
Mindset shift:Boundary-setting seems hard when you’re not used to it, but it’s actually really simple.
Mindset shift:1.
Mindset shift:Identify your need or limit
Mindset shift:2.
Mindset shift:Communicate it clearly in terms of that need (not
Mindset shift:in terms of the other’s behavior, just in terms of your own need)
Mindset shift:3.
Mindset shift:Behave accordingly (i.e., if the boundary is not respected, take action)
Mindset shift:For example:
Mindset shift:1.
Mindset shift:“I need to have enough rest and free time.”
Mindset shift:2.
Mindset shift:“I don’t check my emails in the evenings or during weekends, as that’s when I’m off work.”
Mindset shift:3.
Mindset shift:Set an automatic reply for your out-of-office hours,
Mindset shift:and commit to only replying to emails or answering calls during work hours.
Mindset shift:A boundary is easy to understand when you think of it as a rule you have for yourself
Mindset shift:and the “rules” on which your world runs.
Mindset shift:It’s not a demand on others’ behavior, a threat, a justification, a plea, or a punishment.
Mindset shift:It’s an assertion about the standards you hold for yourself.
Mindset shift:Once you realize this, things become so much simpler.
Mindset shift:thanks for listening to social skills coaching
Mindset shift:if you like what you heard we hope you'll pass along our web address newtonmg.com to your friends
Mindset shift:and colleagues and also that of our author today bitly slash PK Consulting this has been a Newton
Mindset shift:Media Group production join us next week for the next episode of social skills coaching
