Asked And Analyzed
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Asking questions is an active way to deliberately elicit information from a person, but they need to be targeted and not too obvious. A few seemingly casual hypothetical questions can reveal a person’s deeper values, perspectives, and goals, for example asking what their favorite movie is, what they would save from a fire, or what animal they see themselves as.
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Transcript
welcome to social skills coaching where you learn to be more likable more charismatic
Speaker:and more productive today is February 7th 2023.
Speaker:what's your favorite movie what would you save if your house was on fire
Speaker:what animal can you see yourself as in today's episode from Patrick King's book how to extract
Speaker:info we'll learn how to use these and other seemingly innocuous hypothetical
Speaker:questions to understand a person's deeper values perspectives and goals thanks for joining us today
Speaker:Observations allow you to gather the “low hanging fruit” when it comes to information about people.
Speaker:A lot of what you want to know is right there for the seeing.
Speaker:Questions, however, take things a step further and actively elicit information from people,
Speaker:note merely observing their reaction to their environment
Speaker:but creating a stimulus that they respond to.
Speaker:The great thing about questions is that you can target and guide the person in front of you,
Speaker:so they share with you a response you can analyze more closely.
Speaker:The most skillful form of questioning,
Speaker:as you can probably guess, is subtle and natural so it is never detected.
Speaker:Ordinary conversation can conceal your more deliberate intentions,
Speaker:if only you ask questions that seem relaxed, unobtrusive and appropriate to the situation.
Speaker:In the same way that we can miss valuable information about others
Speaker:because we simply don’t observe what’s right in front of us, we can also fail to
Speaker:understand those around because we’re not really listening when they respond to us.
Speaker:Through innocent questioning, we can uncover a host of information that
Speaker:represents an entire worldview or set of values.
Speaker:For instance, what if you were to ask someone where they obtained their news
Speaker:and which television channel, which set of publications, which magazines,
Speaker:and which pundits or hosts they preferred?
Speaker:It’s a prime illustration of an indirect question that lets you
Speaker:understand quite a bit about how they think.
Speaker:Yes, it involves a bit of extrapolation and guesswork, but at least there’s a
Speaker:concrete piece of information to go on and many concrete associations with it.
Speaker:The answer to one question spurs another, more targeted question, and so on.
Speaker:Combined with the observation techniques already covered,
Speaker:you can see how a simple interaction can provide a rich, three dimensional view of a person.
Speaker:We start this chapter with some of these indirect questions before going even more
Speaker:in-depth by asking people for stories and seeing what we can glean from those.
Speaker:These questions are phrased to challenge and inspire deep thought.
Speaker:They ask people to dive deeper so that
Speaker:we can begin to understand their behavioral and thought patterns.
Speaker:1.
Speaker:What kind of prize would you work hardest for, and what punishment would you work hardest to avoid?
Speaker:The answer to this question might help identify the true motive behind an individual’s drive.
Speaker:Beyond surface-level things, what is really motivating people?
Speaker:What do they really care about?
Speaker:And what type of pain or pleasure matters to them?
Speaker:On an instinctual level, what really matters the most in both a positive and negative way?
Speaker:In a way, this answer also reflects values.
Speaker:For example, gamblers all want one prize: the jackpot.
Speaker:They try and try again, whether it be with scratchers or slot
Speaker:machines to try and win the big prize money.
Speaker:Are they motivated by winning back their losses?
Speaker:Is their hope to become richer than they can imagine?
Speaker:Do they actually want it, or are they filling a void and keeping themselves distracted?
Speaker:Why are they working so hard?
Speaker:You might surmise that their motivation is the thrill and rush of the risk involved.
Speaker:Do they care about making steady pay or finding their purpose?
Speaker:Maybe, and maybe not.
Speaker:When you can dig into what someone wants the most and why,
Speaker:you can often find what is driving them without having to ask it directly.
Speaker:The way people answer this question will clearly tell you their priorities
Speaker:and what they consider pain and pleasure in their lives.
Speaker:Look for the emotion behind people’s answers here,
Speaker:and you can get a pretty good read on their values.
Speaker:A goal of rising to CEO-level doesn’t just exist in a vacuum—what
Speaker:are the feelings, emotions, and fulfilled expectations that come from wanting it?
Speaker:Likewise, wanting to avoid being poor speaks
Speaker:to very specific desires for security and safety from danger.
Speaker:2.
Speaker:Where do you want to spend money, and where do you accept skimping on or skipping altogether?
Speaker:This answer reveals what matters to someone’s life and what they want to experience or avoid.
Speaker:This is not really about the item or items to be purchased; there comes a point where
Speaker:material belongings no longer have a use, and it’s about what those items represent and provide.
Speaker:For example, sometimes, spending money on experiences instead of a new purse
Speaker:has the potential to improve someone’s overall well-being and outlook on life.
Speaker:Again, look for the underlying emotions and motivations behind the answer.
Speaker:So what do you have no problem splurging on, and what doesn’t matter to you?
Speaker:For instance, when deciding on vacation expenditures,
Speaker:people may opt to splurge on an epic boat excursion and stay in a shabby hotel.
Speaker:This reveals their desire to experience an unforgettable moment rather than staying
Speaker:in a nice hotel with golden toilets, which they view as a waste of money.
Speaker:Others might opt for the opposite and revel
Speaker:in their creature comforts while not seeing much of the scenery.
Speaker:In either case, they’ve used their money to quite literally identify
Speaker:and spend toward their priorities and values.
Speaker:Where your money goes is an important part of what makes you happy,
Speaker:so if you can pay attention to where you let it flow and where you cut it off,
Speaker:you’ll immediately know what matters to you on a daily basis.
Speaker:Contrast this question to if you were to ask someone, “What do you value in your daily life?"
Speaker:Again, there is a concrete answer here to analyze.
Speaker:This same principle applies equally to time, money, and effort.
Speaker:Where these things flow, whether consciously or unconsciously,
Speaker:represents the values people possess.
Speaker:3.
Speaker:What is your most personally significant and meaningful achievement and also your
Speaker:most meaningful disappointment or failure?
Speaker:It’s common that experiences, whether they’re good or bad, shape people into who they are.
Speaker:Achievements and failures tie into how someone sees oneself.
Speaker:Significant experiences also tend to create their self-identities—you are
Speaker:this kind of person because you did this and succeeded or failed.
Speaker:We can’t escape the fact that past occurrences will
Speaker:often influence our current and future actions.
Speaker:They don’t have to, but this isn’t a book about changing your mindsets.
Speaker:The point is that large events will reverberate throughout our entire lives.
Speaker:So this question will get a response about how people view themselves, for better or worse.
Speaker:Failure will painfully poke perceived flaws they hate about themselves,
Speaker:while achievements will bring up the strengths they are proud of.
Speaker:A career woman who has worked her way up the
Speaker:corporate ladder might proudly reflect on her accomplishment.
Speaker:Why does she consider this her greatest achievement?
Speaker:Because she values independence, resilience, and determination,
Speaker:and that’s exactly what it takes to get to that career pinnacle.
Speaker:She looks back to the things she did in order to get that corner office,
Speaker:and she feels positively about them.
Speaker:Thus, the answer about her career accomplishments is actually a story
Speaker:about the positive traits she utilized in reaching that point—her self-identity.
Speaker:You can imagine that the same negative type of self-identity might unfold if the
Speaker:same woman were to talk about her failures and ended up in a job that she despised.
Speaker:Those are the exact things she hates the most.
Speaker:The way that people answer this question shows who they want to be,
Speaker:and this is reflected in exactly how their expectations have either been fulfilled or not.
Speaker:4.
Speaker:What is effortless and what is always exhausting?
Speaker:This is a question that is designed to better understand what people actually enjoy.
Speaker:Something that is effortless isn’t always an innate talent,
Speaker:but rather an indication that they enjoy it.
Speaker:On the other hand, something that is always exhausting is not always about
Speaker:people’s lack of competency, but rather a distaste for the actual activity.
Speaker:Thus, answers to this question can indicate where people find natural joy and enjoyment,
Speaker:even if they don’t realize it themselves.
Speaker:For instance, as a baker answers this question, she may recognize
Speaker:her rather mediocre capacity for creativity for blending ingredients together to make a dessert.
Speaker:Although she is above average, she is not naturally talented at it,
Speaker:and it has been very difficult for as long as she can remember.
Speaker:She was not innately talented with culinary creativity,
Speaker:and yet she finds joy in it such that she is always driven to it.
Speaker:It’s challenging but effortless in a way that she doesn’t grow tired of.
Speaker:On the other hand, she may have a natural talent in understanding and following
Speaker:traditional recipes—yet it is not something that she values or particularly cares about.
Speaker:If we were to look at only her innate talents,
Speaker:we would conclude that she should stick to only executing the dishes of others.
Speaker:But it’s simply not what she values.
Speaker:As mentioned previously, wherever our time,
Speaker:effort, energy, and money goes, such are our values.
Speaker:5.
Speaker:If you could design a character in a game,
Speaker:what traits would you emphasize and which would you ignore?
Speaker:This question asks what people see as their ideal self and also
Speaker:what they feel is less important in the world.
Speaker:Imagine that you have a limited number of points
Speaker:to give a person but six traits to spread the points across.
Speaker:Which will you choose to emphasize and bolster,
Speaker:and which will you choose to leave average or even lacking?
Speaker:Suppose you have the ability to choose between the traits of charisma, academic
Speaker:intelligence, sense of humor, honesty, resilience, and emotional awareness.
Speaker:The traits you’d choose to put the maximum number of points in is how you’d like others to see you.
Speaker:It may represent your current composition of
Speaker:traits, or it might be completely opposite to who you currently are.
Speaker:In either case, it’s more than likely that this
Speaker:either represents how you see yourself or how you would like to see yourself.
Speaker:And the other traits?
Speaker:Well, they simply matter less.
Speaker:In turn, they seek out people with those traits they like and are less
Speaker:keen to seek out those with the other traits.
Speaker:There are probably stories behind each of the traits that people might choose as well.
Speaker:A related question to ask others is, “What traits are common in other people?"
Speaker:This question comes from a 2010 psychological study by Dustin Wood,
Speaker:in which he found that people tended to describe others with similar traits as themselves.
Speaker:Presumably this is because people tend to see their own qualities in others.
Speaker:No one believes that their mental makeup of traits is uncommon, and thus,
Speaker:they believe everyone has a similar perspective and way of thinking as them.
Speaker:Answers to this question are a direct insight
Speaker:into what traits people believe they have, for better or worse.
Speaker:From there, you know what kind of approach they have to the world—kind, generous,
Speaker:distrusting, mischievous, or even ill-spirited.
Speaker:6.
Speaker:What charity would you donate millions to if you had to?
Speaker:Answering this question forces one to answer what
Speaker:they care about in the world at large rather than just in their own life.
Speaker:Will you donate to an animal shelter or a charity for cancer?
Speaker:Perhaps you would sponsor a child from a third-world country?
Speaker:They all say very different things.
Speaker:You might have had a first- or secondhand experience with any of these causes.
Speaker:Whatever the case, it shows what matters when people start to think outside of themselves.
Speaker:You can see a whole sector of the world that they are concerned about,
Speaker:and this allows you to see how they view their place in the world.
Speaker:In other words, whose interests do they tend to prioritize or be motivated by?
Speaker:As always, look to the underlying emotion.
Speaker:Being able to ask these questions evokes a
Speaker:deeper connection to people’s values, ideas, and awareness.
Speaker:The purpose of asking these is to, again, examine behavior.
Speaker:These questions guide a person in thinking about the most relevant aspects of his or her character.
Speaker:They also make people think beyond predictable statements
Speaker:and organically stimulate more meaningful thought.
Speaker:Look beyond the answers and read between the lines.
Speaker:Critical thinking, evaluation, and reflection are the key skills at play here.
Speaker:Next, we go deeper by asking people for stories that they construct, rather than just a relatively
Speaker:short answer, to see what we can glean from hearing their internal dialogue in full effect.
Speaker:7.
Speaker:What animal best describes you?
Speaker:The great thing about this question is that it’s a very personal inquiry hidden in plain sight.
Speaker:People are far more comfortable talking about certain traits they
Speaker:admire in others than they are about talking directly about themselves.
Speaker:You might also find that asking this question has people feeling very willing to share revealing
Speaker:information that they otherwise might have felt too uncomfortable to reveal.
Speaker:Something about the distance that’s created
Speaker:when talking about an animal can prompt some very forthright and honest answers.
Speaker:People may inadvertently tell you about who they
Speaker:wish they were when they tell about their favorite animal.
Speaker:Listen carefully to the person who says they love dogs but dislike cats.
Speaker:Ask them why, and their answer will tell you plainly about the traits they value in others,
Speaker:in themselves, and how they wish to be.
Speaker:The best way to pose this question is as casually as possible.
Speaker:Don’t make it seem like you’re grilling for a serious answer—ironically,
Speaker:this attitude will quickly reach past people’s defenses and have them blurting
Speaker:out information about themselves that can be incredibly meaningful.
Speaker:What they tell you immediately after is important—whatever is top of their mind
Speaker:is the aspect of themselves they likely see as most important, most relevant or most fixed.
Speaker:For example, a person immediately tells you they’re a bear and needs no
them to explain to you why: : them to explain to you why: :they’re fierce, protect their loved ones and shouldn’t be messed with.
them to explain to you why: :But if they didn’t choose a shark,
them to explain to you why: :could this mean that they also see themselves as having a bit of “cuddly” side to them, too?
them to explain to you why: :On the surface, such questions can seem innocent and playful, but it’s this very
them to explain to you why: :simplicity that allows people to respond most honestly—as though to a Rorschach test.
them to explain to you why: :Did they choose a carnivore or an herbivore?
them to explain to you why: :A mythical animal?
them to explain to you why: :A pest?
them to explain to you why: :A domesticated animal or a wild, slightly dangerous one?
them to explain to you why: :Such a question adds immense depth and color to your understanding of
them to explain to you why: :the person—and it does so in their own terms.
them to explain to you why: :8.
them to explain to you why: :What’s your favorite movie?
them to explain to you why: :This is perhaps as obvious on the surface as the previous one,
them to explain to you why: :but many people don’t stop to truly think about the huge amounts of information they’re
them to explain to you why: :being offered when people share things like their favorite films.
them to explain to you why: :With this question, people are really sharing with you the narratives and stories they’re drawn to,
them to explain to you why: :which in turn show you in a deep way what their inner moral universe looks like, how they think
them to explain to you why: :of the good and bad guys, or even how they envision their own grand story as it unfolds.
them to explain to you why: :What is it about a particular film that they like?
them to explain to you why: :Don’t simply assume that they identify with the main character—it may be the
them to explain to you why: :director or the genre itself that most powerful speaks to them.
them to explain to you why: :And if someone answers, “Well, it’s a very obscure independent Polish film released in the early 40s.
them to explain to you why: :I don’t expect you know anything about it,”
them to explain to you why: :you can infer a lot even though you’ve never heard of the film!
them to explain to you why: :You can assume that this person values exclusivity and rarity, and likes to style themselves a
them to explain to you why: :connoisseur with excellent taste (i.e., what other people would identify as an infuriating hipster!).
them to explain to you why: :Use the answer to this question along with other data you’re gathering.
them to explain to you why: :What does it mean that the shy, skinny kid in the corner best loves a superhero film?
them to explain to you why: :What would a retired Japanese mom see in a serious film about the slave trade in the deep south?
them to explain to you why: :The person who tells you their favorite film is a comedy—does
them to explain to you why: :it mean anything that the comedy they choose is not a recent one,
them to explain to you why: :but one from decades past, that would have been popular when they were just a child?
them to explain to you why: :9.
them to explain to you why: :What would you rescue from a fire in your home?
them to explain to you why: :You know the drill.
them to explain to you why: :Your entire home is burning and you can only go in to fetch one single treasured item, no more.
them to explain to you why: :This is another question that taps deeply into a person’s most fundamental values and priorities.
them to explain to you why: :Maybe you had a particular person pegged as a pragmatic,
them to explain to you why: :almost emotionally-stunted person until they tell you they’d save a single book of poetry.
them to explain to you why: :Crisis and emergency situations have a way of quickly cutting through the clutter of life.
them to explain to you why: :People may appear a certain way right up until their backs are against the wall.
them to explain to you why: :In the film Force Majeure, a family finds themselves
them to explain to you why: :facing a terrifying but brief threat—an oncoming avalanche.
them to explain to you why: :In the few heated moments, the father fleas the scene, saving himself,
them to explain to you why: :while the mother stays with her children.
them to explain to you why: :Though the danger passes and everyone is soon safe again,
them to explain to you why: :the rest of the movie explores what the father’s actions mean—did his knee-jerk response in the
them to explain to you why: :moment say something about what he really valued—i.e., himself, and not his family?
them to explain to you why: :Try to understand not just what a person would save, but why.
them to explain to you why: :A person who would quickly grab their pet cat before anything
them to explain to you why: :else is telling you that they value life more than inanimate possessions.
them to explain to you why: :A person who grabs their passport is telling you that they see their freedom to move,
them to explain to you why: :their ability to travel, as a very special thing.
them to explain to you why: :Similarly, someone who simply tells you they’d grab their wallet because they had all their
them to explain to you why: :money, cards and driver’s license in there is also telling you something important—that
them to explain to you why: :they are interpreting your question not in terms of values or hypotheticals,
them to explain to you why: :but as a literal and practical dilemma to be solved in the most logical way possible.
them to explain to you why: :Very different from the person who boldly claims
them to explain to you why: :they would save an old photograph of their great-great-grandmother!
them to explain to you why: :10.
them to explain to you why: :What scares you most?
them to explain to you why: :Many of the above questions are focused on values, principles, priorities, desires.
them to explain to you why: :But of course, you can also learn a lot about a person
them to explain to you why: :by what they actively avoid, detest and fear.
them to explain to you why: :This tells you not only what they do value, but also how they see themselves.
them to explain to you why: :After all, it makes sense that you would fear the thing you most felt unable to
them to explain to you why: :protect yourself against, or the thing that you felt was most harmful to you personally.
them to explain to you why: :This can yield enormous amounts of insight into
them to explain to you why: :how a person sees their own strengths and limitations.
them to explain to you why: :Someone who says “spiders” is going to have a very different
them to explain to you why: :psychological makeup than someone who claims, “early onset dementia,
them to explain to you why: :where I gradually forget who I am and the faces of everyone I used to love."
them to explain to you why: :Fears are often a door to people’s most firmly held principles—a
them to explain to you why: :person who is extremely morally-inclined and driven by justice and fairness might
them to explain to you why: :fear serial-killers, psychopaths or even demonic supernatural entities.
them to explain to you why: :On the other hand, fears can also tell you what that person thinks
them to explain to you why: :of their ability to handle adversity or suffering.
them to explain to you why: :The person who fears rejection, abandonment and criticism is telling you that in their world,
them to explain to you why: :psychological harm is more serious than physical harm.
them to explain to you why: :Likewise, what would you infer about someone who unflinchingly tells you,
them to explain to you why: :“I’m not scared of anything”?
them to explain to you why: :that's it for this week's episode of social skills coaching
them to explain to you why: :be sure to sign up for our author's email list at bitly slash PK Consulting and
them to explain to you why: :join us next Tuesday for the next episode of social skills coaching
