The Friendship Mindset: THE ART OF ACTIVE LISTENING

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,: 2023

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Why? What were they doing, and importantly, what weren’t they doing? Let’s look at a story of the kind of person you might have encountered in your own life. We’ll call him Jez. Jez is a great guy and considers himself a “people person." In fact, he believes he’s better than average when it comes to understanding what makes people tick, and is something of an armchair psychologist. He tells people, “I’m a great listener. People are always asking my advice." Jez genuinely thinks he’s an empathic person.

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The trouble is ... he’s not. Take a look at the following conversation and see if you can spot why. Friend: “Well, I don’t know, we’ll see how it goes with the new guy, but it’s the early days and so—” Jez: “Uh huh. Uh huh. I’m listening." Friend: “I’m just keeping things open-ended for now, you know? I didn’t even want a new boyfriend a month ago, so." Jez: “Uh huh. I completely understand."

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Friend: “Anyway, we were out yesterday and he said to me—” Jez: “Sometimes when we’ve been hurt in the past, we can keep people at arm’s length to protect ourselves. I get it." Friend: “Well ... yeah, I guess. I’m not really keeping him at arm’s length, I don’t think. More like taking it nice and relaxed. Last time I rushed into a new relationship, but this time—” Jez: “Oh, I know exactly what you mean. This time you’re not willing to open yourself up again because you can’t really trust people. Have you ever considered that you actually may have PTSD? It’s more common than you think."

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Friend: “PTSD? No way!" Jez: “Look, you don’t have to be ashamed at all, don’t worry. It’s all so complicated, isn’t it? Getting involved with a new person?" Friend: “Well, uh ... ” Obviously, reading the above, nobody would say that Jez is a good listener! You can probably notice his astounding lack of curiosity, but it goes further than this: •He interrupts. Instead of listening to how his friend feels, he’s telling her how she feels (we’ll be taking a much closer look at interruption later in the book). •He offers her an interpretation of events, rather than asking her about her interpretation (“you can’t trust people”).

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•He gives advice and makes diagnoses (which, even if they were accurate, are not wanted). •He’s not paying attention to the actual emotional content of the conversation. •He’s using the conversation to play at being “good with people”—and ignoring the person in front of him. •He’s using labels to describe his friend’s experience that she herself does not use (“PTSD,” “complicated”). •He is reacting inappropriately and disproportionately. The friend is having a relaxed, lighthearted conversation, and Jez is treating it like a soul-baring deep-and-meaningful therapy session—it isn’t. Basically, it’s very clear what this conversation is all about: Jez. Everything else is coming a distant second! I’ve included this example because sometimes the worst listeners among us are those who have actually become distracted by the very idea of being good listeners.

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It’s precisely because they are so attached to their idea of being empathetic that they fail to properly hear and see other people. In other words, Jez is actually letting his own desire to be a good listener stop him from being a good listener. Note how he interrupts his friend ... to tell her he is listening. Oops! If you’re even a little bit like Jez, then don’t worry—we’ve all been there. Active listening is harder than it looks, and few people are good at it without taking the time to really be mindful and practice. It’s a skill worth developing, however, because it can single-handedly transform all your relationships—whether they’re personal or professional. What’s more, knowing how to properly listen can spare you a lot of awkwardness, misunderstanding, or outright conflict. Here are five basic techniques that naturally skillful listeners tend to use every time they’re with another person.

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The important thing is to not be like Jez—remember that you’re not trying to give the appearance of a person who is good at listening, you’re really being that person! Pay Close Attention Imagine that someone has told you that you’re about to go into a lecture hall to hear a very important talk. Hidden somewhere in what the lecturer says is a clue that will tell you where one million dollars is hidden. If you blink, if you lose focus for one second, you could miss that clue. Now, imagine the degree of focus you would carry with you into that lecture hall! Could you bring that same degree of utter rapt attention to every person you meet? Concentrate all your awareness and interest on them. There is so much to take in when you really look. Don’t just listen to what they’re saying, but read their body language, their tone of voice, their facial expression ... even think about what they’re not saying.

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If people seem a little boring to you, it’s only because you’re not paying attention. If you look with the right eyes, every human being can seem like a bottomless mystery (well, okay, maybe not every human—but it’s worth giving the benefit of the doubt whenever you can!). Give the gift of your solid, respectful attention. Act like a million-dollar clue might fall from that person’s lips at any moment—it could. Listen generously, as though you are prepared to hear the value, the sense, and the meaning in what you hear. •Eye contact is again important here. •Turn your body to face them, lean in a little, and adopt a posture that communicates “this conversation is the most important thing I’m doing right now." •Whatever you do, get off your phone. Not even a little glance, nothing.

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Just put it away, on silent, and be in the moment. The same goes for clocks, TV screens, and so on. •In the same way, park all your busy thoughts and internal distractions. Think of it this way—they’ll still be there waiting for you later. Just pay attention to the other person. You might find it’s actually quite relaxing to forget about yourself now and then ... •If you catch yourself thinking of your reply, gently let it go and turn your attention back to what is currently being said. •If you had an amazing point to make but the opportunity is passing by, let it pass. You don’t have to say everything you’re thinking.

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Let the conversation be what it is, and don’t be tempted to drag the topic back to where it was ten minutes ago—your conversational partner will rightly think you simply don’t care about everything they’ve said in the meantime. Be Mindful of the Little Things Listening is great—but you also need to make sure that the other person can see that listening. Make sure you’re actively showing them, and remember that people can’t read your mind. If, for example, someone has been talking for a few minutes, and you’re listening closely but silently, they may wonder if you are actually listening. Let them know you are with little gestures that accompany conversation, but are not strictly a part of it: Give a little nod—it says “I understand that” or “That makes sense. Got it." Slightly mirror their facial expression—“I understand the emotional content of what you’re saying." Adopt a comfortable posture—“I’m not going anywhere. I’m here and I’m interested."

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Give little encouraging sounds as they speak—“I’m here to support what you’re expressing. I hear you." Make small comments (“What, really?" or “That’s amazing”)—“Your story matters and is important to me." Of course, if you do too much of this, or if you’re not sincere, you will come across like Jez. This will give people the wrong impression entirely, and they will only feel the effort you’re making to connect with them, rather than the connection itself. Help People Think Out Loud When Jez launched into unsolicited psychotherapy with his friend, what he was doing was imposing his own assumptions, filters, beliefs, judgments, and systems of meaning on her, and disregarding hers. While Jez is an extreme example, it’s actually very easy to allow your own perspective to impair your ability to understand somebody else’s. This interferes with communication on the most fundamental level possible and is an enormous barrier to genuine connection and understanding.

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The first thing is to recognize that unless you know someone very well, or you’re very similar to them, it’s unlikely that you will truly understand the nuances of their worldview and perspective. You will need to actively find this out for yourself—in fact, this is what communication is for. Instead of assumptions (the biggest assumption being that other people are more or less the same as you are), try to start from a position of ignorance and work your way up to real understanding. Take an example: Jez’s friend says, “I’m just keeping things with my new boyfriend open-ended for now. It’s the early days." Now, ask yourself, what does she mean? There are a few possible interpretations, even of this quite basic statement. Maybe she means that she’s not taking the relationship seriously. Maybe she is taking it seriously, but is trying to play it cool for fear of jeopardizing things.

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Maybe what she feels is uncertainty right now, so she can’t actually say what’s happening with any accuracy. Maybe she’s bored of talking about it and is subtly wanting to move the topic along to something else (i.e., “it’s none of your business, Jez!”). If you enter into a conversation carrying your own unexamined and unacknowledged biases, you might pick any of the above interpretations according to your own needs and perceptions. If you’re Jez, you might hear something that isn’t even there, and launch off in that direction. But, if you’re a good listener, you will not assume anything, and ask more questions to help you understand better. You’ll remain curious. Every step of the way, you’ll want to confirm that what you’re hearing is actually aligned with the speaker’s intention. Have a look at the same conversation with someone who is genuinely a good listener: Friend: “Well, I don’t know, we’ll see how it goes with the new guy, but it’s the early days and so I don’t know. I’m not sure."

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Good listener: “Yeah? Like, you’re not sure about how you feel about him or ... ?" Friend: “Well, yes. Partly. I mean, I do like him, but I didn’t even want a new boyfriend a month ago, so ... maybe I’m just keeping things open-ended for now." GL: “Hm, that makes sense. You like him, but it’s only been a month, and before that you were thinking that you didn’t want to get involved with anyone." Friend: “Exactly! So it’s not like things aren’t good between us, I’m just ... cautious."

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GL: “Yeah, cautious. Maybe you want to go slow with it?" Friend: “I think so, yes. But I think it’s best for me right now. I’ve got a lot of other stuff going on, that’s all." GL: “Seems like you’re not saying no to it or anything, just that it’s not quite what you had planned, seeing as you have all these other priorities." Friend: “Yes, that’s exactly right. It is all about priorities right now. I like him, but he’s not my priority."

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GL: “Nothing wrong with that!" Friend: “No, I guess not. You know what, you’re a really good listener." When a conversation is flowing well and someone is truly listening, they almost become part of the speaker’s thought process—it’s as though by listening, they are helping the other person to hear themselves, to think through their thoughts and emotions, and to arrive at some conclusion. But if you read the conversation again, you will see that the good listener hasn’t done anything special—in fact, he’s barely introduced any new information at all. What he has done is: •Directly restate what he is told •Paraphrase what he’s told—i.e., put it in slightly different words •Summarize what he’s hearing •Reframe the content of the story •Gently suggest something new Let’s take a closer look, with examples from the same conversation. Restate Simply repeat what you have just been told using the exact words or else words that are very similar. Friend: “Well, I don’t know, we’ll see how it goes with the new guy, but it’s the early days and so I don’t know. I’m not sure."

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Good listener: “Yeah? Like, you’re not sure about how you feel about him or ... ?" Paraphrase Restate what you have been told but use your own words to demonstrate that you have grasped the meaning behind them. You could also use terms like “It seems like ... ” or “If I understand correctly ... ” and then offer your interpretation to signal that you are in fact paraphrasing. Friend: “Well, yes. Partly. I mean, I do like him, but I didn’t even want a new boyfriend a month ago, so ... maybe I’m just keeping things open-ended for now." GL: “Hm, that makes sense. You like him, but it’s only been a month, and before that you were thinking that you didn’t want to get involved with anyone."

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Summarize Paraphrase what has been said but in condensed form so you reflect the essence of the overall message you’re hearing. Summarizing in particular is great for “helping people think aloud,” and it also shows attention and empathy since you are not just hearing facts but synthesizing the bigger picture. GL: “Seems like you’re not saying no to it or anything, just that it’s not quite what you had planned, seeing as you have all these other priorities." Sometimes, all that’s needed to summarize a person’s message is to accurately label the emotion behind the details they’re expressing. The Good Listener could also say something like, “It sounds like you’re a little hesitant." Reframe This is different from the other active listening skills because you are inserting something of your own interpretation into the mix. The Good Listener in our example does this subtly, first by introducing the frame of “priorities,” which is something the friend had not really considered before but seems to latch on to. Later on, the Good Listener also introduces another frame: Friend: “Yes, that’s exactly right. It is all about priorities right now.

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I like him, but he’s not my priority." GL: “Nothing wrong with that!" At the beginning of the exchange, the friend is speaking in a way that suggests she’s conflicted and almost a little defensive, as though she’s worried that how she feels about her situation is not quite reasonable or doesn’t make sense. The Good Listener here deploys some very subtle listening skills and picks up on this hesitancy and doubt—and gently reframes it. They suggest, instead, that the way the friend feels is perfectly normal, and there’s nothing wrong with it. The friend thus moves very slightly from one frame of mind to the another and ends up feeling like “Yeah, actually this is what I feel and what’s so bad about that?" If the conversation continued, the Good Listener could start to reframe things even further. Rather than focusing on what the new boyfriend isn’t, he could ask the friend to tell him more about everything else that’s interesting and exciting in her world. Thus, it’s not a frame of “You’re only lukewarm about your new boyfriend” but “You’re really fascinated by a new project at work right now."

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This ability to shift frames is the single thing that allows for problem-solving, creativity, and conflict resolution. Incidentally, it’s what people really mean when they say that someone is good at giving “advice”—they are not talking about being told what to think but being helped to discover what they themselves think. Big difference! While this is all extremely subtle, the same dynamics can play out in all kinds of conversations, big and small. Do this in conversation and you will quickly earn a reputation for being genuinely “good with people." In fact, these four skills alone will make you a better listener and friend than ninety percent of the human population! Put it into practice: Time to test drive these ideas with a real live human again! Whatever your next conversation is, agree with yourself that you are entering it only to listen. Play a game with yourself where you introduce zero new information and only reflect, summarize, rephrase, or restate what the other person is feeding into the interaction.

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Keep this going for as long as is comfortable, and notice how it changes things. How do people respond when you really, truly listen? Have you really been listening in the past? Once again, that was from Patrick King's book, Make Friends Easily, now available wherever great audiobooks are sold, and probably where some junky ones are too. If you'd like to learn more about Patrick King or get some free resources from him, visit his website at bit.ly slash pkconsulting, or visit us at newtonmg.com. I'm Russell, founder of Newton Media Group, and this has been a Newton Media Group production. Join us next week for the next episode of Social Skills Coaching, where you become more likeable, more charismatic, and more productive.