Own Your Limits With Healthy Boundaries

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th of December,: 2023

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When we increase our empathy, emotional literacy, and ability to communicate—both verbally and nonverbally—our relationships with others improve. However, human beings are complex, and not all problems and conflicts can be solved by simply heaping on more and more empathy and understanding. The other side of the emotional intelligence coin is knowing what to do when resources are limited, people have conflicting needs and goals, and behavior is not as good as it could be. In this chapter, we’ll look at how to master the art of boundaries—setting your own and respecting those of others. How to Create Healthy Boundaries First things first: not all boundaries are healthy ones. We may be over- or under-boundaried, or we may be guilty of violating the boundaries of somebody else. If you are too rigid, stubborn, or inflexible in asserting your needs and limits, you limit emotional connection with others and may make things difficult for those around you.

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On the other hand, if your boundaries are too loose, ill-defined, or permeable (or you don’t have any at all!), then you risk overextending yourself, becoming a doormat, or even opening yourself to abuse, manipulation, and disrespect. The best boundary to have, then, is a balanced one that asserts your needs, defends your limits, and yet also respects and considers the needs and limits of the people around you. Another thing to remember is that even though a boundary, once set, should be respected, it can change over time. That’s because our needs and limits change. All the more reason to have self-knowledge and the ability to communicate clearly with others! Finding your own sweet spot of assertiveness takes practice and effort, but it can be learned. Knowing who you are, what you want, what you don’t want, and exactly how to say so is a big part of emotional intelligence.

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When you can take charge of yourself, own your limits, and clearly and confidently let people know who you are, your self-respect will tend to inspire the respect of others. How to Set Boundaries Step 1: Know thyself The thing about your boundaries is that they’re yours—nobody can tell you what they are or should be. This means that you have some work to do. There are two possibilities: First, you could use an uncomfortable or unpleasant current situation to help you identify any areas that need stronger or clearer boundaries. Use the Emotion Wheel above or sit with a journal to help you crystalize what’s gone wrong and why. Ask yourself: •What exactly is causing my discomfort? (Be as specific as possible, identifying actual behaviors.)

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•Is there any activity, event, or person I’m dreading? Why? •What happened immediately before I started to feel bad? •If I could rewind recent events, where would I hit the pause switch to make sure I didn’t end up feeling that way again? •If other people’s behaviors and expectations were not part of the picture, what would I choose to do here? By exploring how you feel and imagining what alternatives would look like, you can begin to shape and form your boundaries. Think in terms of needs but also limits of resources, which can be time, energy, money, and so on.

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For example, you may notice that you are really dreading a night out with certain family members, and after some reflection realize that you’re unhappy about being encouraged to spend far more money than you’re comfortable with. You identify the level of spending you’d be happy with and decide that this is your new boundary. The second way is to not wait until you feel uncomfortable, but take the time to fashion boundaries before they’re needed. Follow the same introspection process and ask yourself: •What tends to drain me and what feeds and inspires me? •What are my ultimate, non-negotiable values in life? •What things do I need to feel healthy, supported, heard? •What am I willing to “spend” in terms of energy, time, money, and so on right now?

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•What are my priorities? •What do I consider my “life rules” to always follow? By doing the above process, you might come to understand that a big principle you like to follow is to live simply and minimally and focus on people rather than material things. You might realize that you have a strong need for a certain amount of alone time and to prioritize relationships over work, for example. This means that when you are next invited out on an expensive evening with your family, you are prepared to draw a clear line in the sand. Step 2: Communicate clearly One of the biggest mistakes you can make is to quietly decide what your boundaries are ... and then keep them a secret. People are not mind readers!

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It may sound silly, but don’t expect people to know what you need or what your limits are without clearly and directly telling them. Don’t assume that things are obvious, because everyone has different ideas about what is reasonable and what isn’t. Again, there are two ways to do this: either in the heat of the moment when you need to assert a boundary, or in a more general way when the boundary is not yet actively in play. How you share your needs and limits depends on the kind of boundary you have. Most boundaries are to do with what you won’t accept, and then to draw limits around resources. For example: Time: “I’m free this afternoon but have to leave after an hour to make my appointment." Energy: “That’s a bit too much for me to take on at the moment."

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Emotional capacity: “I want to be here for you and I’m sorry you’re upset, but I can’t talk with you every day about this." Personal space: This one can be nonverbal—for example, you politely but firmly step back if someone is getting too close to you, rather than suffer in silence for fear of appearing rude. Conversational content: “That’s not a topic I’m willing to talk about." Defending yourself: “I don’t find that kind of joke funny." Possessions: “Please don’t rummage through my bag again." Privacy: “I’d like it if you didn’t put that picture of me on social media." Physical or sexual: “I’m not comfortable doing that” or “Thank you, but one slice of cake is enough for me!"

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Personal beliefs: “I acknowledge that you disagree, but I’ve made up my mind." Professional: “Please don’t use my personal phone number unless it’s an absolute emergency." Financial: “I’m sorry, but that is the limit to what I can donate this month." Step 3: Follow through This is the step where things can get tricky. Boundaries are conditional statements, i.e., if X happens, then Y will result. For example, if someone lies to you, you will no longer consider them a good friend. That Y part of the conditional may be unspoken, but it’s always understood to be there.

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The problem is, people think that a boundary is a demand on how other people should behave; really, it’s a statement about how you will behave in certain conditions. You are politely but firmly telling people the conditions you hold for further engagement—the “rules of the game” if they want to continue to play with you! If you don’t understand this, you risk making a boundary that deep down you have no intention of following through on. So you say “If you lie to me again, this friendship is over,” but you’re only saying it to manipulate, guilt, or shame the other person. Then what will you do when they lie to you again? If you haven’t genuinely considered the possibility of ending the friendship as you said you would, you are now in the position of having to break your own word with yourself. This is why people take a dim view of ultimatums and sometimes see boundaries as secret threats—unconsciously, that may be just the way they are used.

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But this is not a healthy boundary practice. Asserting and upholding your own boundaries is an act of trust and self-confidence and a sign of self-respect. You should never use your own boundaries to try to control another person’s behavior, only to communicate your own limits and needs when it comes to your behavior. So, it is entirely reasonable to assert that we don’t work on weekends, but we cannot also demand that our employers keep us on if they happen to want staff who are available twenty-four-seven. How do you follow through on a healthy boundary? First, think it through and don’t say what you don’t mean. If you have hard limits, know what the consequences are of those limits being disregarded, and be honest and fully prepared to see them through.

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Do not make your boundaries negotiable. If you say you don’t work on weekends, but then end up doing a few hours on Sunday evening just to keep people happy, you’re sending mixed messages. If people push you, be a broken record and keep politely repeating yourself without changing your message in the least. Be consistent. Remember that someone else finding your boundary a little inconvenient is not a good enough reason for you to drop it immediately or start making concessions. Remember that you are not responsible for how someone else feels about your boundary! After all, there are criminals out there who find it very inconvenient that people try to protect themselves from being preyed upon—but their hurt feelings don’t change a thing, do they?

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You never need to apologize for setting a boundary, nor should you rush in to try to “make it up” to people to soften your “no." Sure, you can make a counteroffer to do as much as you’re willing to, but let this come from you, rather than a guilty sense of obligation. Trying to be polite, we can end up over-explaining or even defending ourselves, which actually weakens our position and invites people to push a little to see how far we’ll bend. If you remain firm in your conviction, then others will find your boundaries easier to respect. If you ever feel like saying no makes you a mean or difficult person, try to remember that having limits is a healthy thing to do and actually creates more trust, respect, and connection in relationships. It means that when you say “yes” to something, people value and trust it more. Even better, they learn to see the respect you have for yourself as something that you will extend to them, too—i.e., they will feel more comfortable asserting their own boundaries with you, and a more genuine and honest relationship will follow.

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Having good boundaries (i.e., saying no to what you don’t want) is really just a way to make room to say yes to the things you do want—and that’s something all of us are entitled to do. Use DEARMAN for Polite Requests and Refusals In the real world, we are always setting boundaries within the context of other people’s needs, limits, desires, goals, and perspectives. When exactly something goes “too far” can sometimes be hard to discern, and there is plenty of grey area between “assertive” and “just plain rude." We want to be polite but also take care of our interests and not be, well, too polite! If striking this balance feels almost impossible, you might try a useful framework that comes from the dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) model that therapists sometimes use with their clients. It’s called the DEARMAN acronym, and it can help you stay clear, organized, and mindful during the process of drawing those lines between you and other people. Think of it as a template that can help you say no while still maintaining good rapport and politeness.

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If you are in a situation where you find it difficult to say no to the requests of others, or make your own requests, then this can help. Many times, relationship conflict comes down to just this kind of imbalance—either we grow resentment because we acquiesce more than we are happy to, we fail to speak up and say what we really want, or we find ourselves saying no clumsily and causing offense and disconnect. To avoid all this potential angst, take a deep breath, slow down, and work your way through the DEARMAN acronym: Describe The first thing to do is just say what you observe as neutrally and objectively as possible. Stick to the facts and be brief—the goal is to set some background context against which to orient the statement you are about to make. Example: “A few months ago I agreed to housesit for you and watch your cat while you went away on vacation. I was happy to do this. I also didn’t mind helping out when your mom was rushed to the emergency room last month.

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Now you’ve asked me to housesit again two more times within as many months." Express Next, express how you’re feeling using clear “I” statements that do not rope the other person in. Try to help the other person see why your request/refusal matters to you. Naturally, avoid injecting any blame or judgment, or else you risk activating the other person’s defenses. Example: “I feel really overwhelmed with the requests and don’t have the time or energy to do it. Because I’m your friend, I do want to help, but I also feel really pressured right now." Assert How you feel should then naturally lead to what you want (if making a request) or what you are saying no to (if making a refusal).

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Don’t make any assumptions. The key is to be as specific and as clear as possible and to make clear the connection between your emotional experience and what you are trying to express as a result. Not only does this make you relatable and open a path for others to have empathy, but it makes what you’re saying seem reasonable. Example: “That’s why I can’t help you with housesitting anymore." Reinforce When people hear and respond to a request, show that you appreciate it and say thank you, or acknowledge it in some other way. Relationships are all about reciprocity. People shouldn’t respect boundaries or comply with requests in order to get something out of it themselves, but it doesn’t hurt to let them know how much it means to you.

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In the same way, when people respect your limits, acknowledge it. This reinforces and strengthens both those boundaries and the relationship. Example: If your friend is a little embarrassed but immediately withdraws their request, then you might say, “Thank you so much for understanding, I really appreciate that." Mindfulness When you’re asserting yourself, stay present and focused. Don’t get distracted by things that could weaken your message or confuse matters. Take deep breaths, listen to what you’re being told, and take your time. If you feel overwhelmed, take a step back or ask for some time to think.

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Finally, stay focused on just one request or refusal at a time—if you mix up several different issues in one conversation, you risk emotional overload or confusion. Example: If your friend is a little touchy and upset about your refusal, you are careful NOT to mention how much you’ve already helped them out, or how they let you down last year in some unrelated event so they have no right to be upset with you now. Instead, you keep on the specific issue at hand. Appear Confident You’ll notice this is not be confident, but just try to appear confident! Even emotionally intelligent and secure people can find it nerve-wracking to ask for something or say no. But if you let your discomfort run wild, it could make you act in ways that undermine your core message. Whether you are saying no or asking for something, try to cultivate a little poise and self-control.

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Example: You do a deep breathing exercise before you speak to your friend, and you consciously choose to avoid over-explaining or using softening, hedging language. You calmly and confidently say, “That’s why I can’t help you with housesitting anymore” instead of “I hate to say it and I’m so sorry, but I think I’m going to have to say not this time—at least, not both times, anyway—if that makes any sense. I’m really, really sorry, though. It’s just that things have been a little crazy for me lately, and I’m so stressed, so I hope you understand. Is that okay? Blah, blah, blah ... ” Negotiate This is the step where you try to make sure that everyone gets what they want—or close to it. Of course, just asking for something doesn’t entitle you to have the request approved—no matter how nicely you ask!

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Do your best to communicate as clearly as possible, but if someone doesn’t hear you or cannot comply, handle it with grace. That means never resorting to making any negative feelings their problem. If they agree, say thank you. If they don’t agree, say thank you, too, then decide what that means for the relationship (if anything) and how else you could get your needs met. If you are turning down someone else’s request, it is not unreasonable for them to query this and ask about what you are willing to do, or if there is wiggle room. Decide how much you are willing to compromise, if any, and communicate this clearly and calmly. Example: Your friend says they understand but ask if there really is any possible way you can come over for just one of the times they’ve requested.

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You politely refuse again, but you don’t like to see them in a pinch, so you say, “If you like, I can hook you up with a cat-sitter that my friend always recommends? I’ll give her a call and see if she’s available." What would the DEARMAN acronym look like when applied to a request rather than a refusal or assertion of a boundary? Take a look at this example: Describe. “I’d like to talk about how we manage the housework between us. I know we keep things fairly balanced, but for the next two weeks, I’m having to really put in the hours with my thesis." Express.

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“I feel completely exhausted at the thought of having to do the housework on top of the thesis, and I am worried about doing well. I’ve worked hard for this degree, and I don’t want anything to jeopardize it at this late stage." Assert. “I was hoping that you could take on the bulk of the housework for these upcoming two weeks while I finish my thesis." Reinforce. “I understand it’s a big ask, so I thought I might offer to pay you something fair and reasonable to offset the extra effort you’d be making." Stay mindful.“I know that we’ve had our disagreements about housework in the past, but today I’d like to just focus on these next two weeks and see what you think."

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Appear confident.You maintain friendly eye contact, relaxed and open body posture, and give the other person plenty of time afterward to respond to what you’ve said. You also make sure you broach the subject when both of you are relaxed and won’t be interrupted or distracted. Negotiate.You work together to identify an amount of money that feels fair, a list of chores to hand over to them, and a fixed start and end date. They can’t do a full fourteen days but agree to twelve, and you go along with this. Alternatively, the other person turns down your request. You respond by thanking them anyway and committing to not making them feel bad for having their own boundaries. It’s no big deal.

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However, if you are in a relationship where you notice that your needs are consistently not met, or that your boundaries are seemingly always pressed on or even violated, you might ask yourself why and be honest about whether it’s a good relationship for you. As you can see, the DEARMAN framework is pretty flexible and can be applied to both the big, difficult conversations but also the everyday niggles that emerge now and then. You can use it to great effect over email, where you can take the time to craft a response that ticks all the boxes. Or, you can use it to help you clarify for yourself your position before you broach a tricky topic with someone. DEARMAN will help you stay focused and on track for the best possible outcome. Petra King's book The Power of VQ is available, as always, on Audible, Amazon, and iTunes as an audiobook, or on Amazon and other fine sellers of books everywhere, and also sellers of fine books everywhere. Check out Petra King's website at bit.ly slash pkconsulting and check the moment visit us at NewtonMG.com. Thanks for being here today, and we'll see you next week for the next episode from Social Skills Coaching.