Stop People-Pleasing: Break Free From The Need To Be Liked
Learn how to stop people-pleasing and break free from the need to be
liked. Say goodbye to the disease to please and start living for
yourself!
Stand Up For Yourself, Set Boundaries, & Stop Pleasing
Others (if that’s okay with you…) (Be Confident and Fearless Book 9) By:
Patrick King
Hear it Here - https://adbl.co/3To6NDu
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0B7GWJN4F
Transcript
Stand Up For Yourself,
Speaker:Set Boundaries,
Speaker:& Stop Pleasing Others (if that’s okay with you…)
Speaker:(Be Confident and Fearless Book 9)
Speaker:Written by
Speaker:Patrick King, narrated by russell newton.
Speaker:“Hey,
Speaker:could you stay late this evening and finish up all my work for me?
Speaker:There’s a party tonight and I’ll miss it if I don’t leave now.”| “Oh
Speaker:sure!
Speaker:Of course!
Speaker:Uh ...do you need me to give you a lift there?"
Speaker:People call them doormats,
Speaker:pushovers,
Speaker:or people-pleasers,
Speaker:but whatever they’re called,
Speaker:they all seem to have the same playbook - be nice,
Speaker:be helpful,
Speaker:be kind,
Speaker:and no matter what you do,
Speaker:never ever say no.
Speaker:In this book,
Speaker:we’ll be looking closely at the seemingly irresistible need to please others
Speaker:at all costs and how to tackle the sometimes devastating effects of putting
Speaker:yourself last.
Speaker:We’ll look at why you might be a people-pleaser and what lies at the root of
Speaker:your mindset.
Speaker:This way,
Speaker:you can begin unpicking certain core beliefs so that you’re empowered to set
Speaker:healthier boundaries and start to take charge of your life.
Speaker:People may tell you,
Speaker:“Just say no!
Speaker:Just be firm!” but the truth is,
Speaker:if you’re a chronic people-pleaser,
Speaker:it goes a lot deeper than this.
Speaker:We’ll explore some easy tips and tricks to “fake it ’til you make it,”
Speaker:but we’ll also take a closer look at how to make more lasting and fundamental
Speaker:changes.
Speaker:These changes will help you genuinely feel more content,
Speaker:composed,
Speaker:and confident in yourself so that you truly don’t need to people-please
Speaker:anymore.
Speaker:A wonderful thing happens when people give up people-pleasing - they realize
Speaker:that when they’re happy,
Speaker:balanced,
Speaker:and assertive,
Speaker:their relationships are actually more respectful,
Speaker:more intimate,
Speaker:and more real—not less!
Speaker:People-pleasing is a complex learned behavior,
Speaker:but the good news is that with a little effort,
Speaker:you can shift your mindset and start to engage with others on more genuine,
Speaker:mature,
Speaker:and equal footing.
Speaker:No matter where you are right now,
Speaker:this book will show you how.
Speaker:One major cause of people-pleasing is the need to be liked.
Speaker:Are you a people-pleaser?
Speaker:Chances are you already know the answer to this question,
Speaker:but there is one tell-tale sign that may reveal a deeper problem - you
Speaker:constantly think,
Speaker:“I wonder if they like me?"
Speaker:Do They Like How I Look?
Speaker:Do They Like My Work?
Speaker:Do they think I’m interesting or intelligent or valuable?
Speaker:Am I Needed?
Speaker:Do They Like What I Say Or What I Do?
Speaker:Do They Like Me?
Speaker:First things first - wanting to be liked is not a problem.
Speaker:It’s human.
Speaker:We all seek out acceptance into a group and try hard to avoid being rejected.
Speaker:Humans evolved in small tribes in which being a part of the bigger whole was
Speaker:necessary for survival.
Speaker:Therefore,
Speaker:there’s nothing intrinsically wrong with caring about the opinions of others,
Speaker:wanting their validation,
Speaker:or feeling good about yourself because they feel good about you.
Speaker:The trouble is,
Speaker:a people-pleaser can have difficulty finding where to draw the line between
Speaker:this need to please and their own need for authenticity,
Speaker:dignity,
Speaker:and self-worth.
Speaker:In other words,
Speaker:it’s a problem of balance.
Speaker:There are people out there who don’t consider the opinions of others
Speaker:enough—they may be callous,
Speaker:inconsiderate,
Speaker:uncaring,
Speaker:or outright hostile to the idea of pleasing other people.
Speaker:But if you’re reading this book,
Speaker:chances are that you fall on the other end of the spectrum.
Speaker:When it comes to your own self-concept and worth as a human being,
Speaker:you give the opinions and actions of others too much weight.
Speaker:Here are a few examples in which the need to people-please has tipped over from
Speaker:a normal human desire into a set of behaviors that actively limits life’s
Speaker:potential -
Speaker:•You submit a project to a client who usually gives you effusive praise,
Speaker:only to have them say,
Speaker:“Thanks!” and move on without a second thought.
Speaker:You spend all evening wondering what they really think and whether they
Speaker:actually hated the project or worse,
Speaker:whether it’s you they hate.
Speaker:•You accidentally said something offensive and immediately apologized.
Speaker:The other person is a bit hurt but has forgiven you and appears to have moved
Speaker:on.
Speaker:However,
Speaker:you find yourself wracked with guilt and can’t stop thinking of things you
Speaker:should be doing to make it up to them.
Speaker:You keep apologizing until the whole situation is awkward.
Speaker:•You’re dating someone new,
Speaker:and all your focus immediately goes to finding out what they like so you can be
Speaker:that.
Speaker:You subtly alter how you speak,
Speaker:dress,
Speaker:or behave in an unconscious bid to be the kind of person you hope they’ll be
Speaker:attracted to.
Speaker:Dr. Roger Covin is a clinical psychologist and author of the book The Need to
Speaker:be Liked.
Speaker:His research has shown him that although people-pleasing has roots in natural
Speaker:human social behavior,
Speaker:it can cause a few problems - It can stop you from doing what you want (because
Speaker:what will they think?).
Speaker:It can stop you from exploring,
Speaker:creating,
Speaker:or trying something new (too risky).
Speaker:It can cause anxiety and unhappiness.
Speaker:Basically,
Speaker:if your life’s purpose is meeting the needs of other people,
Speaker:then what happens to your needs?
Speaker:A people-pleasing life is often inauthentic,
Speaker:stressful,
Speaker:and unhappy.
Speaker:At the core of this life are two lies - the first is that it is one hundred
Speaker:percent totally and absolutely unacceptable for us to be disliked.
Speaker:The second is that it is our job to make other people happy,
Speaker:and that we are responsible for how they feel.
Speaker:How do we let go of these lies?
Speaker:Here are the insights and attitudes associated with a healthier sense of self.
Speaker:You’Re An Ink Blot.
Speaker:Think of a Rorschach ink blot test.
Speaker:Everyone sees in those ambiguous blobs whatever they want to see.
Speaker:And what they see has nothing to do with the blob itself.
Speaker:Think of yourself the same way!
Speaker:Some people will like you,
Speaker:and some won’t.
Speaker:Some people will love certain characteristics in you,
Speaker:while others hate those same traits.
Speaker:And it doesn’t mean a thing.
Speaker:If someone says,
Speaker:“I like you,” it’s not all that different from them saying “I prefer
Speaker:strawberry ice cream to chocolate."
Speaker:There’s no judgment,
Speaker:and nothing is wrong.
Speaker:The person is simply telling you their opinion,
Speaker:which is their business.
Speaker:In other words,
Speaker:a person saying “I don’t like you” is not a problem to solve,
Speaker:a mistake,
Speaker:a crisis,
Speaker:or an insult.
Speaker:You might go on a date with a woman who announces that she doesn’t like
Speaker:skinny men.
Speaker:You,
Speaker:being a skinny man,
Speaker:could think either 1)
Speaker:“I should bulk up at the gym or women won’t like me,” or 2)
Speaker:“Oh well,
Speaker:I guess we’re not compatible!"
Speaker:There are seven billion people on this earth.
Speaker:Can you even imagine the type of person you’d need to be to win everyone’s
Speaker:approval?
Speaker:It’s impossible.
Speaker:Your Worth Does Not Come From Others’ Approval.
Speaker:For our ancient ancestors,
Speaker:being expelled from the group may literally have meant death.
Speaker:For modern,
Speaker:evolved humankind—not so much.
Speaker:It’s normal to occasionally meet disapproval.
Speaker:Really!
Speaker:If you think about it,
Speaker:you probably cannot think of a single person out there who hasn’t been
Speaker:disapproved of by someone else at some point.
Speaker:And you probably disapprove of many others!
Speaker:People-pleasers may dwell on the agonizing question,
Speaker:“Why don’t they like me?!” but really,
Speaker:does the answer matter?
Speaker:Can we have the courage to recognize that even if someone doesn’t like us,
Speaker:we don’t vanish in a puff of smoke?
Speaker:We are still who we are,
Speaker:and our happiness is still what we make of it.
Speaker:A healthy mindset assures us that our self-worth does not come from the
Speaker:(fleeting,
Speaker:potentially flawed)
Speaker:opinions and tastes of others.
Speaker:You may choose a career path that your family despises,
Speaker:for example,
Speaker:but makes you happy.
Speaker:With a healthy mindset,
Speaker:though,
Speaker:you can tell yourself,
Speaker:“I have worth whether or not they approve."
Speaker:Who says you can’t live a happy,
Speaker:healthy,
Speaker:meaningful,
Speaker:and awesome life while at the same time,
Speaker:some people dislike you?
Speaker:There’s Nothing Wrong with Having Needs—and Meeting Them Isn’t it funny
Speaker:how people-pleasers rush to meet the needs of others,
Speaker:yet dismiss their own?
Speaker:Isn’t it strange how quick they are to take other people’s judgment as
Speaker:gospel while assuming their own feelings,
Speaker:thoughts,
Speaker:and opinions are relatively worthless?
Speaker:Perhaps you have a fear that not people-pleasing means you are irresponsible,
Speaker:selfish,
Speaker:or liable to get rejected or judged.
Speaker:Perhaps you feel that you are not as entitled to have your needs met as other
Speaker:people.
Speaker:Or perhaps,
Speaker:like many,
Speaker:you have the unconscious belief - “I only have worth if I am valuable to
Speaker:other people,
Speaker:if I please them,
Speaker:or if I make them happy."
Speaker:We’ll explore all these beliefs in greater detail later in the book.
Speaker:Occasionally,
Speaker:a people-pleaser will realize that something’s got to give,
Speaker:and they may lash out,
Speaker:swing the other way,
Speaker:or suddenly be cold,
Speaker:harsh,
Speaker:and selfish.
Speaker:But this is not the solution,
Speaker:either.
Speaker:The problem is when you frame a situation as your needs Versus other people’s
Speaker:needs.
Speaker:It is never either/or.
Speaker:It’s never a competition for scarce resources.
Speaker:You can have your needs met,
Speaker:and so can they.
Speaker:A people-pleaser asks,
Speaker:“What can I do to get them to like me?” whereas a healthier mindset would
Speaker:have us ask,
Speaker:“So what if they don’t like me?"
Speaker:When you untangle yourself from other people’s opinions and judgments,
Speaker:you free yourself to ask what You want,
Speaker:what you care about,
Speaker:and what you value.
Speaker:Then,
Speaker:you can act accordingly.
Speaker:When you “live on purpose” this way,
Speaker:you strengthen yourself.
Speaker:When you live an authentic and value-driven life,
Speaker:you’re more courageous,
Speaker:so that when others disapprove,
Speaker:it genuinely does not matter.
Speaker:What could other people’s opinions mean to you when you are following your
Speaker:heart and living the best life you know how?
Speaker:You Are Not Omnipotent.
Speaker:Now,
Speaker:this may sound crazy,
Speaker:but here’s a mind-blowing thought - people are living their own lives,
Speaker:which has nothing to do with you!
Speaker:Jokes aside,
Speaker:a people-pleaser may make a continued error whenever they assume that other
Speaker:people’s choices necessarily have something to do with them.
Speaker:Unconsciously,
Speaker:they put themselves at the center of everything.
Speaker:If someone was randomly rude to you,
Speaker:you automatically assume it’s because of something you did.
Speaker:But really,
Speaker:isn’t this a little arrogant?
Speaker:Every person has their own life history,
Speaker:their own mindset,
Speaker:core beliefs,
Speaker:and hidden interior world.
Speaker:Some people don’t even understand their own motivations,
Speaker:let alone make it clear to others why they do what they do!
Speaker:It may sound weird,
Speaker:but relax into the fact of your own probable insignificance in most people’s
Speaker:lives.
Speaker:You don’t know what others are thinking and feeling,
Speaker:why they act,
Speaker:or what they want.
Speaker:You don’t always have complete information about any situation and your role
Speaker:in it.
Speaker:So,
Speaker:that means you’re off the hook and don’t need to torture yourself with
Speaker:guesses and interpretations for other people’s behaviors.
Speaker:“Why does my mother-in-law treat me this way?
Speaker:Does she do it on purpose?
Speaker:Maybe she thinks she’s better than me.
Speaker:Have I possibly offended her?"
Speaker:One possibility you may have overlooked - you have no idea what’s going on in
Speaker:your mother-in-law’s world,
Speaker:and in truth,
Speaker:she has barely given you a thought.
Speaker:Remind yourself that neutral is not negative.
Speaker:Sometimes,
Speaker:people-pleasers can assume they’ve been rejected when all that’s happened
Speaker:is ...well,
Speaker:nothing.
Speaker:Most encounters and interactions are just neutral.
Speaker:And that’s okay.
Speaker:The “Separation Of Tasks” Exercise.
Speaker:Enter the founder of individual psychology,
Speaker:psychiatrist Alfred Adler.
Speaker:His theories placed emphasis on the individual’s need to adjust socially to
Speaker:his or her community.
Speaker:For him,
Speaker:feelings of harmonious belonging within a community were a big part of mental
Speaker:well-being.
Speaker:According to the authors of the book The Courage to be Disliked,
Speaker:Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga,
Speaker:one of the most important things to master is the ability to ask,
Speaker:“Whose task is this?"
Speaker:To explain what this means,
Speaker:consider the Separation of Tasks exercise.
Speaker:Speaking about Adler,
Speaker:the authors claim that,
Speaker:“All you can do with regard to your own life is choose the best path that you
Speaker:believe in.
Speaker:On the other hand,
Speaker:what kind of judgement do people pass on that choice?
Speaker:That is the task of other people and is not a matter you can do anything about."
Speaker:There are things we have control over,
Speaker:and things we don’t.
Speaker:Things we are responsible for,
Speaker:and things we aren’t.
Speaker:Our “job” and others’ jobs.
Speaker:The trick is to wisely discern the difference.
Speaker:A people-pleaser may anxiously think,
Speaker:“I have to find a way to get this person to like me."
Speaker:But this task of liking someone or not—whose task is it?
Speaker:An alternative is to say,
Speaker:“It’s up to them to decide if they like me or not."
Speaker:This is a much less anxiety-provoking thought and quite a revelation .- Each
Speaker:person is ultimately responsible for their own opinions,
Speaker:reactions,
Speaker:and actions.
Speaker:It may sound simple,
Speaker:but the ramifications of this short exercise can be profound.
Speaker:Whenever you are feeling distressed or confused,
Speaker:ask,
Speaker:“What is my task here?"
Speaker:With work colleagues,
Speaker:relationships,
Speaker:family members,
Speaker:or friends,
Speaker:pause and quickly ask if a certain task,
Speaker:idea,
Speaker:or thought is really your business.
Speaker:Is it your responsibility?
Speaker:Is it in your scope of control?
Speaker:If not,
Speaker:let it go without guilt.
Speaker:Chronic people-pleasers tend to take on everyone else’s tasks.
Speaker:We make it our problem to ensure people like us.
Speaker:We take it upon ourselves to make sure everyone is happy,
Speaker:that there is no conflict,
Speaker:or that we are in their good books.
Speaker:And then we’re anxious!
Speaker:For example,
Speaker:you may tie yourself in knots trying to organize Christmas for your family.
Speaker:You have invited two people who are now feuding with one another,
Speaker:and you’re anxiously wondering how to fix it,
Speaker:how to smooth over everyone’s ruffled feathers,
Speaker:and how to make sure the rest of the family still has a nice time.
Speaker:But you could instead pause and ask yourself to separate out their tasks from
Speaker:your own.
Speaker:You would see that -
Speaker:•It is not your business what goes on between two other people.
Speaker:•You cannot control how people respond to this feud or how they feel.
Speaker:•Your only task is organizing Christmas to the best of your abilities
Speaker:(assuming this is a responsibility you were happy to take on in the first place!
Speaker:Was that your task ...?).
Speaker:Just asking the question,
Speaker:“What is My task here?” can save you mountains of people-pleasing behavior
Speaker:and anxiety.
Speaker:When you catch yourself fretting over what others think or feel,
Speaker:pause again to remind yourself that is not your job.
Speaker:The Serenity Prayer is great for people-pleasers since we need to remember the
Speaker:difference between what we can control and what we can’t.
Speaker:“Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Speaker:the courage to change the things I cannot accept,
Speaker:and the wisdom to know the difference."
Speaker:In truth,
Speaker:you can fret over other people’s tasks if you really want to.
Speaker:But why would you want to when it doesn’t help them and certainly doesn’t
Speaker:help you?
Speaker:Chapter 2 .- Are You Generous?
Speaker:Or Just Afraid of Rejection?
Speaker:Some of us engage in people-pleasing because we desperately want other
Speaker:people’s approval,
Speaker:validation,
Speaker:and liking.
Speaker:But sometimes,
Speaker:people-pleasing can come from a slightly different place.
Speaker:“Rejection sensitivity” is what it sounds like—the heightened and
Speaker:unreasonable fear of someone rejecting you.
Speaker:More commonly,
Speaker:though,
Speaker:the real problem is all the stuff we do to avoid that perceived potential for
Speaker:rejection.
Speaker:One big way we can attempt to avoid the horror of being rejected is to engage
Speaker:in people-pleasing.
Speaker:Many people-pleasers feel awful at the prospect that they should be less kind,
Speaker:less generous,
Speaker:or less forgiving.
Speaker:But consider this .- Is your motivation really compassion and kindness?
Speaker:Or is it sometimes an attempt,
Speaker:conscious or unconscious,
Speaker:to try to control people?
Speaker:If you view things this way,
Speaker:then you quickly realize that letting go of rejection,
Speaker:fears,
Speaker:and people-pleasing behaviors is precisely what will allow you to be more
Speaker:generous—or,
Speaker:more genuinely generous!
Speaker:Being giving is a beautiful thing.
Speaker:But it’s less beautiful when it’s purely a strategy to help us moderate
Speaker:anxiety.
Speaker:A study in the 2016 academic journal Frontiers in Human Neuroscience (Dominguez
Speaker:et al.)
Speaker:found that “agreeable” people had a tendency to people-please in order to
Speaker:avoid social stress.
Speaker:The researchers discovered,
Speaker:using fMRI scans,
Speaker:that when faced with an opportunity to say no,
Speaker:areas of the brain associated with cognitive dissonance lit up.
Speaker:However,
Speaker:when they said yes,
Speaker:those same areas went offline.
Speaker:What this suggests is that saying yes to requests is a way to reduce inner
Speaker:stress and uneasiness (some might call it guilt!).
Speaker:The authors had actually uncovered the physiological basis for that feeling of
Speaker:“I just can’t say no!"
Speaker:The fear of rejection causes us distress,
Speaker:but by saying yes,
Speaker:we quell that anxiety.
Speaker:So,
Speaker:being generous and giving is not really about the other person at all—it’s
Speaker:about regulating ourselves.
Speaker:Of course,
Speaker:this doesn’t always work out so well because by saying yes,
Speaker:we open ourselves to being taken advantage of,
Speaker:to agreeing to things that actually violate our own boundaries,
Speaker:and to making our own feelings of calm dependent on us being generous and
Speaker:useful to others.
Speaker:So,
Speaker:what happens when we really do need to say no?
Speaker:Fearing rejection,
Speaker:we may fail to set limits and boundaries,
Speaker:and we seem to get stuck in one-sided relationships with people who take and
Speaker:take.
Speaker:But once we’re in these situations,
Speaker:we may feel even less able to say no—in other words,
Speaker:the anxiety about being rejected actually increases.
Speaker:For example,
Speaker:you’ve agreed to look after your friend’s dog even though you really
Speaker:don’t have the time.
Speaker:You said yes just to keep the peace and avoid awkwardness ... But now he’s
Speaker:asked you to look after the dog again.
Speaker:And he keeps asking.
Speaker:The pressure to say yes is even greater now (you’ve set a precedent,
Speaker:haven’t you?),
Speaker:so you keep saying yes.
Speaker:Before you know it,
Speaker:you’re trapped in a sickening and reinforcing cycle of guilt and obligation.
Speaker:Perhaps in all this,
Speaker:your own dog sits at home,
Speaker:missing out on her walks while you’re away,
Speaker:which makes you feel awful.
Speaker:You give and give and give,
Speaker:and yet you have low self-worth,
Speaker:you’re stressed,
Speaker:and you’re resentful.
Speaker:In comparison,
Speaker:the prospect of being rejected by your friend if you had said no suddenly
Speaker:doesn’t seem so bad!
Speaker:Rejection sensitivity is more common than you’d think ...and the irony is
Speaker:that it often has the opposite of the intended effect.
Speaker:For example -
Speaker:•You’re terrified of being rejected in a big job interview,
Speaker:but this makes you behave in meek,
Speaker:unconfident ways during that interview,
Speaker:causing the interviewers to pass you over for someone with more faith in
Speaker:themselves.
Speaker:•Meeting new people,
Speaker:your desperate need to impress causes you to hog the conversation and be
Speaker:boastful.
Speaker:They’re not impressed.
Speaker:•In dating,
Speaker:your fear of rejection may lead you to waste time with people you don’t
Speaker:actually like.
Speaker:By doing whatever you can to avoid them rejecting you,
Speaker:you miss out on a crucial detail - you’re not keen on them yourself!
Speaker:How To Break The Fear Of Rejection Cycle.
Speaker:Rejection is a normal part of life.
Speaker:The weird things we do to avoid rejection,
Speaker:however,
Speaker:can be far from normal!
Speaker:In their bid to be accepted by others,
Speaker:people-pleasers can be timid,
Speaker:neurotic,
Speaker:and inauthentic.
Speaker:Worse still,
Speaker:others may perceive them as false,
Speaker:passive aggressive,
Speaker:or even manipulative,
Speaker:creating a self-fulfilling prophesy where people actually may feel pushed to
Speaker:reject them.
Speaker:The good news is that this is all fixable.
Speaker:No,
Speaker:we cannot avoid rejection,
Speaker:and there is no way to magically make everyone accept and embrace us.
Speaker:But we can make sure that we don’t let the sting of rejection spiral out of
Speaker:control and hurt more than it needs to.
Speaker:Travis Corigan created the Rejection Inoculation Program,
Speaker:and his strategy is not to twist you out of shape so nobody ever rejects you
Speaker:again.
Speaker:Rather,
Speaker:it’s to make sure that the next time you are rejected (and it will happen),
Speaker:you are resilient against it,
Speaker:and though it may hurt,
Speaker:it doesn’t shake your self-worth to its core.
Speaker:Corigan’s technique is a form of what psychologists call exposure therapy.
Speaker:You repeatedly expose yourself to the feared stimulus,
Speaker:but in a safe environment that you control.
Speaker:Why go through all this torture?
Speaker:Because you are undoing a core belief at the root of people-pleasing behavior
Speaker:.- I cannot survive rejection.
Speaker:I must avoid it at all costs.
Speaker:The thing is,
Speaker:this belief is actually not true.
Speaker:You can survive it,
Speaker:and the only way to prove this to yourself is to willingly experience rejection
Speaker:and notice how you feel.
Speaker:Corigan’s program has three easy steps - 1.
Speaker:Set Yourself A Quota.
Speaker:2.
Speaker:Set A Time Domain.
Speaker:3.
Speaker:Make Attempts To Hit That Quota.
Speaker:What’s a quota?
Speaker:It’s simply the number of times you are rejected.
Speaker:Yup—you are deliberately seeking out rejection.
Speaker:Merely framing rejection as something that you ask for and are in control of
Speaker:takes some of its power away.
Speaker:See the whole exercise as a game or challenge,
Speaker:and not some life-or-death agony.
Speaker:“By turning the thing you most want to avoid into the key performance
Speaker:indicator (K. P. I. )
Speaker:that you should optimize is a righteous trick for your brain.
Speaker:You utilize one part of your motivation centers to break this log jam between
Speaker:two competing motivations you have - the life you want for yourself and your
Speaker:primate programming that being rejected from the tribe means death,” says
Speaker:Corigan.
Speaker:The approach may sound terrifying,
Speaker:but it’s a brilliant way to completely turn your mindset upside down.
Speaker:If you run screaming from rejection,
Speaker:you may think it’s a triumph when you don’t have to experience it.
Speaker:On the other hand,
Speaker:never experiencing it allows you to fear it all the more.
Speaker:Rejection becomes a big,
Speaker:terrifying black hole in your psyche,
Speaker:and when you eventually do encounter it (because,
Speaker:again,
Speaker:you will!),
Speaker:you are unprepared and in the worst possible position to cope with it.
Speaker:When you “inoculate yourself” against rejection and actually rehearse the
Speaker:process,
Speaker:you realize something.
Speaker:Rejection is not that big a deal.
Speaker:That queasy feeling in the pit of your stomach,
Speaker:that awful hot feeling on your face,
Speaker:and that sinking sense of dread and self-loathing ...it’s all transient.
Speaker:Who cares?
Speaker:Open your eyes and look around—you’re still alive,
Speaker:you’re still a worthy human being,
Speaker:and the world didn’t end.
Speaker:And what’s more,
Speaker:there may be a new stirring inside you,
Speaker:something a little like confidence.
Speaker:Let’s look at an example of the inoculation program in the context of being
Speaker:overly generous and not saying no.
Speaker:Katie is the biggest martyr you’ll ever meet.
Speaker:She’s a teacher’s assistant who regularly buys things for her students from
Speaker:her own pocket and stays late after school to help struggling kids.
Speaker:She volunteers for more organizations and charities than she can count.
Speaker:She tirelessly dedicates most of her weekends to organizing community events
Speaker:and babysitting her nieces and nephews,
Speaker:or helping her elderly mother with errands.
Speaker:She does all this because she’s a good,
Speaker:kind person.
Speaker:She also does it because she’s terrified that if she says no,
Speaker:all these people will angrily abandon her.
Speaker:As you can imagine,
Speaker:Katie has extremely low self-worth that is entirely conditional on how much she
Speaker:does for others.
Speaker:She’s frequently exhausted and stressed out,
Speaker:but at least all this work proves her value and prevents others from rejecting
Speaker:her,
Speaker:right?
Speaker:She tried out a version of Corigan’s program,
Speaker:and it looked like this - Quota - start by politely saying no to a request I
Speaker:don’t have time for,
Speaker:and not budging no matter how guilty I feel or am made to feel Do this at
Speaker:least once a week to start,
Speaker:just to test it out.
Speaker:Increase frequency later on.
Speaker:Katie comes down with the flu.
Speaker:The school has let her take some time off,
Speaker:but Katie’s mother sees this as an opportunity to ask Katie to come over to
Speaker:her house and help her clean out her basement,
Speaker:“Since you’re free."
Speaker:Katie takes a deep breath,
Speaker:and says,
Speaker:“I’m feeling pretty exhausted,
Speaker:Mom.
Speaker:I think it’s a no from me."
Speaker:Then she waits.
Speaker:She doesn’t apologize,
Speaker:she doesn’t beg forgiveness,
Speaker:and she doesn’t immediately leap in with an alternative suggestion to soften
Speaker:her no.
Speaker:Are you wondering what happens next?
Speaker:Well,
Speaker:the truth is that Katie’s mother’s response is not all that relevant.
Speaker:Katie has already decided that she will say no and stick to it no matter what
Speaker:response she gets.
Speaker:That’s because she is acting for herself and not for some desired response
Speaker:from others.
Speaker:She is untangling herself from people-pleasing and reconnecting with the idea
Speaker:of pleasing herself.
Speaker:In a later chapter,
Speaker:we’ll look more closely at boundary setting and how to say no assertively yet
Speaker:with kindness.
Speaker:But for now,
Speaker:like Katie,
Speaker:the idea is simply to become proactive and deliberately seek rejection on your
Speaker:own terms.
Speaker:Katie’s mother doesn’t in fact disown her,
Speaker:even if she’s a little surprised.
Speaker:The next week,
Speaker:Katie says no when the school demands she organizes the bake sale.
Speaker:She notices that the more she says no,
Speaker:the easier it becomes because of three important insights - 1.
Speaker:The rejection she assumed was coming didn’t in fact come,
Speaker:and 2.
Speaker:If it did come,
Speaker:it wasn’t as bad as she predicted it would be,
Speaker:and 3.
Speaker:If it was that bad,
Speaker:she realized that she was more than able to cope with it!
Speaker:Over the course of a few months,
Speaker:Katie challenges the core belief that I cannot survive rejection.
Speaker:I must avoid it at all costs.
Speaker:She replaces it with new ones.
Speaker:Rejection is not the end of the world.
Speaker:I am a good person even if I say no,
Speaker:and even if someone rejects me for it.
Speaker:I can cope with people being unhappy with me.
Speaker:How you set your quota,
Speaker:what your quota is,
Speaker:and what time frame you choose is up to you.
Speaker:You could decide you want to make one cold call a day at work and count the
Speaker:times people turn down your pitch.
Speaker:You could aim to talk to a new person every three days.
Speaker:You could commit to reaching out to romantic interests,
Speaker:or take the risk of inviting relatively new friends to meet up and get to know
Speaker:each other better.
Speaker:The big difference is that you are not running away from rejection but
Speaker:encountering it in a controlled,
Speaker:deliberate fashion.
Speaker:Here are a few things to keep in mind as you try Corigan’s approach - Have
Speaker:Self-Compassion.
Speaker:Think of someone you love,
Speaker:and now imagine them experiencing the pain of rejection.
Speaker:Do you feel like laughing and jeering at them,
Speaker:or think that they’re losers?
Speaker:Do you feel like saying,
Speaker:“Don’t be such a baby,” or,
Speaker:“Maybe they’re right to reject you”?
Speaker:Chances are,
Speaker:you just feel kind,
Speaker:tender compassion.
Speaker:You want to hug them and say,
Speaker:“Don’t worry,
Speaker:it doesn’t matter.
Speaker:I still think you’re awesome!"
Speaker:Try to see if you can have that very same reaction to yourself when you
Speaker:experience rejection.
Speaker:Acknowledge that it hurts.
Speaker:Not just for you but for every human being.
Speaker:It’s okay to feel bad about it.
Speaker:At the same time,
Speaker:you accept both yourself and the emotions you’re feeling.
Speaker:Rejection is hard enough without feeling bad about feeling bad!
Speaker:Challenge Your Narratives.
Speaker:Let’s say you never ask anyone out because you’re afraid of them rejecting
Speaker:you.
Speaker:The story you tell yourself is,
Speaker:“If I ask people out,
Speaker:they’ll be offended and annoyed,
Speaker:and they may even be rude or insulting to me."
Speaker:So you don’t ask anyone out,
Speaker:but this means that you never get to test the truth of this narrative.
Speaker:If you deliberately seek out rejection,
Speaker:though,
Speaker:you discover that this story is pretty inaccurate.
Speaker:People may well reject you,
Speaker:but instead their response is to be flattered and surprised and to kindly and
Speaker:politely say no,
Speaker:letting you know they still appreciate the effort.
Speaker:Unless you test out your narrative,
Speaker:though,
Speaker:you never give yourself the chance to correct it.
Speaker:You think you are sparing yourself some pain by clinging to the old narrative.
Speaker:But what about the pain of forever believing such a story?
Speaker:What about the low self-esteem it brings,
Speaker:the distrust of others,
Speaker:the pessimism?
Speaker:What about all the opportunities that you miss because you believe that story?
Speaker:Focus On Process And Not Outcome.
Speaker:Who is in control of your world?
Speaker:What determines your state of mind?
Speaker:For people-pleasers,
Speaker:their sense of worth always seems to rest outside of themselves.
Speaker:They give that power to others.
Speaker:If they think you’re good,
Speaker:then you’re good.
Speaker:If they think you’re bad,
Speaker:then that’s what you are.
Speaker:Furthermore,
Speaker:a people-pleaser always cares about the outcome.
Speaker:Will they approve?
Speaker:What will they say?
Speaker:What should you do to ensure the “right” outcome?
Speaker:But this “external locus of control” and a focus on outcome saps the joy
Speaker:out of life and makes you feel powerless.
Speaker:To counter it,
Speaker:focus instead on the process,
Speaker:not on the outcome.
Speaker:For example,
Speaker:with Corigan’s exercise,
Speaker:you make progress every time you act to fill your quota.
Speaker:That is something you are in control of.
Speaker:Your quota is not to elicit any particular response from anyone else—it’s
Speaker:only about you and your actions.
Speaker:Give yourself credit for trying,
Speaker:and forget about what other people think of those attempts or what comes of
Speaker:them.
Speaker:The process of challenging limiting beliefs,
Speaker:of facing your fear—this is where the value lies no matter what the result is!
Speaker:This has been
Speaker:Stand Up For Yourself,
Speaker:Set Boundaries,
Speaker:& Stop Pleasing Others (if that’s okay with you…) (Be Confident and Fearless Book 9) Written by
Speaker:Patrick King, narrated by russell newton.
