Master People Skills: The Power Before You Speak
Unlock the Secret to Better Relationships! People skills aren't just about what you say – they begin with how you think about others.
00:00:00 Improve your people skills
00:03:20 Members of the Belief Police
00:12:35 For instance, take the story of Clever Hans
00:17:02 Hanlon’s Razor
In this video, we explore the power of:
Hanlon's Razor: Why assuming good intentions strengthens connections.
Curiosity Factor: How genuine interest unlocks fascinating conversations.
Walking a Mile in Their Shoes: The power of empathy for understanding others.
Discover how these simple mindset shifts can transform your interactions and build meaningful relationships.
Ready to become a people magnet? Watch Now!
Transcript
Improve your people skills, how to connect with anyone, communicate effectively, develop
Speaker:deep relationships, and become a people person, written by Patrick King, narrated by Russell
Speaker:Newton.
Speaker:One of the greatest movies in existence is Back to the Future, specifically the first
Speaker:of the trilogy, though the third edition shouldn't be discounted.
Speaker:We can just forget the second movie ever happened, but I digress.
Speaker:It's no secret among my friends that I love the movie and that I have semi-serious aspirations
Speaker:to purchase a DeLorean someday.
Speaker:I also have an extreme partiality for the Indiana Jones movies and likewise have a
Speaker:dream about owning one of the whips he uses in the movies.
Speaker:Disappointingly, this story is not about my fondness for all things 1980s.
Speaker:A friend was hosting a dinner party that was a loosely veiled front for a matchmaking
Speaker:event.
Speaker:Each friend had to bring a single friend of the opposite sex and we were told to dress
Speaker:to impress.
Speaker:This had the makings of a fun night, or so I thought, what could go wrong?
Speaker:All was well until I met Dorothy.
Speaker:She was pleasant at first, but when I happened to mention my love of Back to the Future, things
Speaker:turned sour.
Speaker:Actually, it was her face that turned sour.
Speaker:Her face scrunched up as if she had smelled a dirty diaper and proceeded to give me her
Speaker:opinion on Back to the Future, her thoughts on the impossibility of time travel, and every
Speaker:inconsequential plot hole in the movie.
Speaker:Did you know that Michael J. Fox wasn't even the original actor cast for Marty McFly?
Speaker:He wasn't that great anyway.
Speaker:Why didn't the characters just tell the truth to each other?
Speaker:Why was Marty's mom attracted to her own son?
Speaker:It's so unrealistic.
Speaker:As if the glaring departure from reality for a movie on time travel was a woman being
Speaker:attracted to Michael J. Fox.
Speaker:After her monologue, it was clear her conclusion was that the movie was terrible, that I should
Speaker:feel bad for liking it, and that I was even a little bit terrible.
Speaker:Even after I tried to walk away from the conversation turned lecture, she cornered
Speaker:me by the pizza rolls later that night and tried to restate her points and make sure
Speaker:enforce that I agreed.
Speaker:I remember thinking at that point how she was one of the most annoying people I'd ever
Speaker:met, but it wasn't until later that I was able to articulate why.
Speaker:It turns out she was a full-blown, card-carrying member of the Belief Police.
Speaker:She was the person who would track you down just to tell you that you were wrong.
Speaker:If wrong meant that you dared to have an opinion that differed from their own.
Speaker:In these people's minds, it's unfathomable that people can have different beliefs and
Speaker:think differently from them.
Speaker:They can't stand the fact that you disagree with their perspective or come to a different
Speaker:conclusion, and they attempt to patrol your brain for disagreeable beliefs and thoughts.
Speaker:And then the attempted conversion begins.
Speaker:These are the same people who will tell you that things based on opinion or taste are
Speaker:just plain wrong.
Speaker:Members of the Belief Police aren't malicious, in fact, it's usually the opposite.
Speaker:They want to demonstrate knowledge and help or educate so much that they aren't aware
Speaker:that they become overly pushy, invasive, and downright annoying.
Speaker:As it happens, self-awareness and the listening skills that come along with it are imperative
Speaker:for people's skills.
Speaker:People's skills are all about making the best out of a situation no matter what is happening.
Speaker:It's about being able to adapt, like a chameleon if need be, and the ability to excel in social
Speaker:situations.
Speaker:People's skills may seem like an understated part of life, but in reality, it's actually
Speaker:the ability to get what you want no matter what.
Speaker:We may struggle occasionally with circumstances in life, but we struggle the most with people.
Speaker:People are the gatekeepers.
Speaker:Not necessarily your resume or anything else you might assume is more important, and thus,
Speaker:so-called people persons are the ones who move forward in life, not necessarily the smartest,
Speaker:the most gifted, or the most qualified.
Speaker:Just take a second, think back to the hierarchy of your office or school.
Speaker:The people in charge certainly were not the most qualified, but they were probably widely
Speaker:likeable or presentable in some way.
Speaker:That is the value of people's skills, soft skills, social skills, interpersonal skills.
Speaker:They all fall under the same umbrella with the same benefits and effects.
Speaker:Fortunately, these are all teachable concepts, and most of them are not obvious concepts
Speaker:such as allowing people to have their own opinions and not enlisting with the belief police.
Speaker:With making a good first impression and being likable, it's often the small, subconscious,
Speaker:and more nuanced signals we send out that either repel or draw people to us.
Speaker:They compound over time, and ultimately, they pave the path for the relationships that determine
Speaker:how our lives go wherever you are.
Speaker:But you already knew all of this, since that's why you're reading this book.
Speaker:And so the goal here is to learn the most important aspects of connecting with others
Speaker:and understanding them as a means to the action you want.
Speaker:Some chapters might appear to be commonsensical, but commonsense only comes about through a
Speaker:certain threshold of experience which not everyone attains at a standard level.
Speaker:Without that experience, accordingly, some thoughts might also appear counterintuitive.
Speaker:It's all a matter of exposure and experience, and for some, this book might serve as a beginner,
Speaker:intermediate, and advanced class all by itself.
Speaker:Some points might appear to be irrelevant or too nuanced, but that's the thing.
Speaker:They do matter, and it's people's tendency to completely ignore them that lead to an
Speaker:interrogation over pizza rolls.
Speaker:Any small things will add up to you being avoided more often than not.
Speaker:Those with great people's skills didn't end up there by accident.
Speaker:They may have started with a talent for making people smile in the way that some of us are
Speaker:more gifted at football, but ultimately, what they all share in common is that they
Speaker:took ownership because they knew that no one else would.
Speaker:This is not necessarily a position that is natural for most of us, especially since most
Speaker:of our learning occurs in a system where we're told exactly what we should learn and
Speaker:when, but we shouldn't allow that to hold us back.
Speaker:For instance, if you're traveling with a friend, this can cause you to act in one of
Speaker:two ways during that phase.
Speaker:If you feel that they will take care of all the hotels and maps, then you can relax and
Speaker:kick your feet up and simply follow.
Speaker:On the other hand, if you know that your friend is rubbish with a map and can't navigate
Speaker:his way out of a paper bag, you might approach your trip far differently.
Speaker:What's the difference between these two approaches?
Speaker:You either take ownership or not.
Speaker:If you know your friend is useless at planning, you would take it upon yourself to be accountable
Speaker:for what happens during the trip because no one else would.
Speaker:And here's an example of ownership in a more relevant context.
Speaker:Suppose two people move to a new city.
Speaker:One decides to actively meet new people and makes a point of being proactive about seeking
Speaker:out events to attend and activities to participate in.
Speaker:The other goes to work and then goes straight home afterward, all the while wondering why
Speaker:he can't meet new people.
Speaker:Clearly, one of these people in a new city will fare better than the other socially and
Speaker:it's all due to the degree of responsibility and ownership they hold toward their own fate.
Speaker:If you think it's only up to you, chances are far greater that you'll do something
Speaker:about it whatever it is.
Speaker:It's the same with your interpersonal and people skills.
Speaker:You can't assume that others are going to help you out and make interactions go smoothly
Speaker:or even comfortably.
Speaker:You can't even assume people are going to speak to you first and welcome you into their
Speaker:group of friends.
Speaker:This is your duty and yours alone.
Speaker:When you take ownership, you'll think about your interactions beforehand, prepare for
Speaker:them and proceed to bite your nails until you're sure they're good.
Speaker:This very natural level of anxiety combined with forethought is the secret and often overlooked
Speaker:foundation of amazing skills in any aspect of life.
Speaker:Most people have the tendency to blame others for their failures and shortcomings and doing
Speaker:so exempts you from responsibility and thus the ability to look at your own actions honestly
Speaker:so that you can improve.
Speaker:In social and interpersonal terms, doing this causes you to make excuses and mutter things
Speaker:like, wow, they're so weird and boring and hard to talk to or what was wrong with them
Speaker:instead of looking in the mirror at yourself and wondering what you could have done better.
Speaker:If you walk through the day and can't find a single person to engage in friendly banter
Speaker:with, it's not because everyone is unfriendly or awkward, it's because you are.
Speaker:It's as if you're watching the movie of your life and there's really nothing you can do
Speaker:besides watch the scenes play out according to a script you didn't write.
Speaker:You're just stuck in your seat as things happen to you.
Speaker:You can't take action and make things happen.
Speaker:You're powerless and helpless.
Speaker:You're depending on external actions to occur to you, not taking action yourself.
Speaker:If you see a group of people talking, you don't engage them, you simply hope they break the
Speaker:ice with you.
Speaker:You have to make your own opportunities in the social realm.
Speaker:For instance, one of your first steps might have been picking up this book.
Speaker:You may have realized that you can't rely on luck as a factor in your interpersonal success
Speaker:so you're proactively looking for methods to improve your social prowess.
Speaker:The subtext underneath this point is that anything involving other people has the potential
Speaker:to feel uncomfortable and create anxiety.
Speaker:It can feel even scarier to take ownership because you're committing even more towards
Speaker:something that can cause feelings of pain and rejection.
Speaker:This can keep us firmly rooted in place.
Speaker:But unless you realize your responsibility in, one, improving your people's skills to
Speaker:be able to create those situations and, two, actually creating the situations themselves,
Speaker:you might never move forward.
Speaker:Resolve to start behaving differently tomorrow compared to the unintentionally lazy template
Speaker:you're currently working with because, obviously, that template is not giving you the kind of
Speaker:results you want.
Speaker:This book spells out the process by which you can take your people's skills to the
Speaker:next level.
Speaker:However, in order for the tips in this book to be valuable to you, you have to start with
Speaker:the most basic.
Speaker:You have to take ownership for them and use them.
Speaker:When we think about people's skills, what typically comes to mind are how to charm people
Speaker:or solve conflicts.
Speaker:But we can't effectively arrive at that stage without first changing the way that we view
Speaker:others.
Speaker:The thoughts and feelings we hold toward others dictate how we act toward them.
Speaker:This sounds obvious, but as with many aspects of people's skills, it's something that we
Speaker:never bother to investigate or become more aware of.
Speaker:Whatever we feel and think tends to become our reality, whether it's just a biased perspective
Speaker:or we act in ways to make those thoughts come true.
Speaker:For instance, take the story of Clever Hans.
Speaker:Clever Hans was a horse that many believed could perform intellectual tasks, such as
Speaker:telling time and doing basic math, for example.
Speaker:During the early 1900s, the horse's owner, Wilhelm von Osten, made Hans somewhat of a
Speaker:celebrity by carting him around Germany and showcasing his talents to the public.
Speaker:The performance would go something like this.
Speaker:Osten would ask the horse to calculate the sum of five plus three, and Clever Hans would
Speaker:tap his hoof eight times.
Speaker:Of course, the crowd would go wild, and Osten would praise the horse for his superior intellect.
Speaker:Not everyone believed Clever Hans was so smart, though.
Speaker:After testing Hans under many different conditions, they discovered that he answered correctly
Speaker:only when he could see his prompter and only when the prompter knew the answer to the question
Speaker:being asked.
Speaker:In other words, Hans couldn't add two plus two, but when asked by someone who could,
Speaker:he would tap four times, provided he could see the questioner.
Speaker:The researchers further surmised that the questioners would change their body language
Speaker:and posture as the horse was tapping out the answer.
Speaker:This altered stance occurred in unconscious anticipation of Hans arriving at the correct
Speaker:answer.
Speaker:The questioner would change their stance again upon the arrival of the final tap, providing
Speaker:a visual cue for Hans to stop.
Speaker:The questioners hoped Hans would answer correctly, which caused them to behave as if he would,
Speaker:and so he did.
Speaker:Then we also have what is known as the Pygmalion effect, named for the mythical Greek figure
Speaker:who fell in love with his own sculpture.
Speaker:It states that if you have an expectation and image in your head of who that person
Speaker:will be, that is exactly who they will become to you.
Speaker:The implication is that however you view someone, you'll treat them in a way that brings that
Speaker:behaviour out of them.
Speaker:Good expectations will lead to good outcomes.
Speaker:Low expectations will similarly decrease performance.
Speaker:If you think someone is incredibly annoying, you will be standoffish toward them and generally
Speaker:act in a manner that is actually annoying in and of itself, motivating them to behave
Speaker:annoyingly.
Speaker:If you think well of someone, you will act toward them in a manner that encourages them
Speaker:to be better, and you will give them more chances.
Speaker:If you think poorly of someone, you will act in a manner toward them that will make them
Speaker:do worse, and you won't give them the benefit of the doubt.
Speaker:If you are apathetic toward people, you'll act in a way that makes them apathetic toward
Speaker:you, all the while calling each other boring.
Speaker:Our implicit or explicit beliefs influence our actions, which then influence others'
Speaker:beliefs about us, which then influence their actions toward us, and so on.
Speaker:We create the world we reside in through our expectations.
Speaker:If you were told someone was charming and fascinating, you would dig deeper into their
Speaker:background and discover what might be interesting about them.
Speaker:They would become that person to you because you gave them the opportunity and goodwill.
Speaker:You expected greatness, so you went out and found it, and of course, this entire process
Speaker:makes you more likeable as well.
Speaker:Conversely, if you were told that same person was a boring dud, you may not even bother
Speaker:engaging them.
Speaker:Our assumptions and expectations dictate our actions and create self-fulfilling prophecies.
Speaker:Before you ever open your mouth, we have to banish the negativity we feel toward others
Speaker:and create positive expectations of people so they can rise up to meet them.
Speaker:This is easily the largest source of self-sabotage when it comes to people's skills.
Speaker:At the very least, we'll focus on giving people the benefit of the doubt and not assuming
Speaker:the worst.
Speaker:Hanlon's Razor and Assumptions
Speaker:One of the first aspects of giving people the benefit of the doubt may seem silly, but
Speaker:it is more powerful than you think.
Speaker:Hanlon's Razor originated in 1774 by Robert Hanlon as,
Speaker:Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by neglect.
Speaker:The most modern and widespread version is, Never ascribe to malice that which is adequately
Speaker:explained by incompetence and is often attributed to Napoleon Bonaparte, though author Robert
Speaker:Heinlein also has a strong claim to it.
Speaker:Making assumptions about someone's intentions and motivations based on their actions is,
Speaker:Well, a rather large assumption that is wrong most of the time.
Speaker:The most likely cause for malice or any other negative intention is neglect or incompetence.
Speaker:There are simply fewer moving pieces and thus it's easier for such a situation to occur.
Speaker:Approaching others in this way will create a gentler and more understanding presence
Speaker:when you stop taking things as personal offenses.
Speaker:In truth, it's far easier for a person to do something negative out of neglect or incompetence.
Speaker:To do something out of malice requires a whole lot more planning, intention and motivation.
Speaker:We'll never know people's true intentions, but if you presume that people aren't always
Speaker:trying to undermine you, it has the power to massively improve your relationships.
Speaker:Suppose that you want a particular brand of cereal at the grocery store, yet someone
Speaker:two feet in front of you grabs the last box.
Speaker:You are certain they saw you, and yet they ignored your hand gestures and the fact that
Speaker:you were obviously zeroing in on the same box.
Speaker:They never even acknowledged you, turn around and walk out of the aisle.
Speaker:Later, you discover, while stalking them in the checkout lane, that they are actually
Speaker:borderline blind and couldn't possibly have seen you or your gestures.
Speaker:Cue feeling like a fool.
Speaker:You've just created anxiety and rage in a situation where it didn't need to exist.
Speaker:You could have kept your cool and let things roll off your back, but you didn't.
Speaker:Hanlon's razor forces you to take your offended ego out of a situation and analyze it with
Speaker:everyone's best intentions in mind.
Speaker:It forces you to ask, what are the innocent explanations for this harmful action?
Speaker:People are oblivious and thoughtless at times, including you, but it usually doesn't mean
Speaker:what you think it means.
Speaker:Most importantly, if you assume people don't hold any malice toward you, you're bound
Speaker:to view them in a more positive light.
Speaker:All it takes is to explore alternative possibilities to your assumptions and give people the benefit
Speaker:of the doubt in questioning your assumptions.
Speaker:One of the biggest reasons people's skills suffer is the absence of this process.
Speaker:People will make split second judgments and assumptions about others from tiny actions
Speaker:and never think twice about how incorrect the basis for their conclusions might be.
Speaker:Just remember, the majority of people possess a degree of reasonableness.
Speaker:Reasonableness is the opposite of intentional spite or the sentiment that people are acting
Speaker:irrationally with no sane thoughts to guide them.
Speaker:There's always a reason people are behaving in a certain way.
Speaker:It's almost never related to you.
Speaker:If reasonableness is your starting point, you'll have far fewer arguments.
Speaker:If you assume that people base their arguments and form their opinions based on some sort
Speaker:of logic, then it follows that they must be relying on facts and information you are
Speaker:not aware of.
Speaker:Suppose you ask a friend to help wash your dishes and they refuse emphatically.
Speaker:This appears to be incredibly rude and inconsiderate, but suppose your friend told you earlier that
Speaker:they have a large, open wound on their hand that's prone to infection.
Speaker:Suddenly, what appears to be malicious is actually done from a point of logic and hygiene.
Speaker:There are a few assumptions that are particularly harmful when left unchecked and can have a
Speaker:profoundly negative impact on your social interactions.
Speaker:Faulty assumption number one, all parties understand what is being talked about.
Speaker:Are you even talking about the same thing?
Speaker:Or is there a fundamental disconnect that explains why there are such differences of
Speaker:opinion?
Speaker:Is there unnecessary confusion that has led to tension or conflict?
Speaker:Don't be afraid to stop completely and make sure everyone is on the same page.
Speaker:Too often, people are so focused on speaking at each other that they don't come to a
Speaker:mutual understanding.
Speaker:Faulty assumption number two, we already know the other person's view and opinions
Speaker:of the situation.
Speaker:Often, we think we know where someone is coming from and why they think that way.
Speaker:We are essentially filling in the blanks on how someone came to a particular conclusion
Speaker:or action.
Speaker:But how can you ever hope to be accurate?
Speaker:Unless you explicitly ask, there's no way to know for certain how someone feels about
Speaker:something and the reasoning that led them there.
Speaker:We lack the ability to read other people's minds, yet we can sometimes be so convinced
Speaker:about why someone is trying to insult or damage us.
Speaker:Ask for other people's views and opinions and don't interrupt them.
Speaker:Faulty assumption number three, we are right and they are wrong.
Speaker:When you come to a situation with this assumption, there's no way it's going to end well or
Speaker:peacefully.
Speaker:This position on your part is the very opposite of giving someone the benefit of the doubt.
Speaker:You're completely invalidating their position and line of reasoning right off the bat and
Speaker:assuming moral and mental superiority.
Speaker:You go on the offensive and give them no choice but to assume the defensive.
Speaker:Of course, it's a faulty assumption that you're correct in a certain circumstance.
Speaker:But if you know deep down that you are or can prove it directly with evidence, at the
Speaker:very least you don't have to be obnoxious and tactless about it.
Speaker:A better assumption to replace this is that you have your merits but so do others.
Speaker:Faulty assumption number four, everyone has the same set of facts.
Speaker:This is similar to faulty assumption number one, except it assumes that if everyone were
Speaker:to have all the facts, the same conclusion would be drawn by all.
Speaker:It's an assumption that everyone has the same logic and makes the same mental leaps you
Speaker:do.
Speaker:Perhaps, yes, if everyone had access to the same set of information or background as you
Speaker:do, they would come to the same conclusion.
Speaker:Others just might be missing the key factors that make your argument your argument.
Speaker:But information and learning are not equal, and it's rare that you overlap exactly with
Speaker:someone else's knowledge.
Speaker:This is naturally going to lead to misunderstandings and conflict.
Speaker:A final damaging assumption, similar to Hanlon's razor, is the assumption that any or all matters
Speaker:are personal.
Speaker:Just because something negative was said or proposed doesn't mean that it's a slight
Speaker:against you or that there is a negative judgment about you.
Speaker:You can be a smart person and do something witless.
Speaker:It doesn't make you any less smart.
Speaker:If you hold any of these assumptions, you yourself are not being reasonable and make
Speaker:it so people are either stupid, unreasonable, or backward.
Speaker:Even to quell damaging assumptions in your people skills will increase dramatically because
Speaker:you realize that most other people are just like you.
Speaker:The better approach is to focus more on being curious and interested in what the other person
Speaker:knows and what facts have led them to their conclusion.
Speaker:This way, the conversation is not reduced to a simple matter of black and white.
Speaker:Instead, you open yourself up to learning new facts that might change your opinion or
Speaker:strengthen your opinion of the other person.
Speaker:Clearly, you can see how this might contribute to your people skills.
Speaker:The Curiosity Factor
Speaker:Aside from uncovering people's assumptions, curiosity plays a huge role in the way we
Speaker:receive others and thus how they receive us.
Speaker:You can be the most charming, funniest person in the room, but if you aren't interested
Speaker:and curious about the person across from you, there simply won't be a connection.
Speaker:It turns out that we care if the person across from us is engaged or scanning the room behind
Speaker:us and looking for someone better to talk to.
Speaker:Staying curious is a difficult proposition because at first glance, most people might
Speaker:seem uninteresting or unworthy of paying attention to.
Speaker:This is undoubtedly the biggest hurdle for most of us.
Speaker:Even if you don't consciously think it, you subconsciously believe that someone is not
Speaker:worth being curious about.
Speaker:You think that even if you dig deeper, you won't find anything worth your time, so why
Speaker:bother in the first place?
Speaker:It's true that at first glance, very few of us are compelling.
Speaker:You include it, but acting on this impulse will limit your communication and keep you
Speaker:right where you are.
Speaker:We're cutting off people's ability to be interesting and compelling because we don't
Speaker:give them a chance, just like the Pygmalion effect dictates.
Speaker:In the end, it doesn't particularly matter what you believe.
Speaker:Just start to build the habit of curiosity and eventually, it won't matter if you think
Speaker:people are worthy or not.
Speaker:They are.
Speaker:You'll be able to find the interesting aspects in just about anyone.
Speaker:To do so, I've found that the absolute best mindset to emulate is that of a talk show
Speaker:host.
Speaker:Jimmy Fallon, Jimmy Kimmel, Conan O'Brien, whoever your favorite is, they all do the
Speaker:same thing.
Speaker:Just ask yourself, what would they do if you're struggling for what curiosity looks like
Speaker:and how you can wield it?
Speaker:Conan O'Brien happens to be my favorite, so let's think about the traits he embodies
Speaker:in a conversation with a guest on his show.
Speaker:Visualize his studio.
Speaker:He's got a big open space and he's seated at a desk.
Speaker:His guest is seated at a chair adjacent to the desk and it's literally like they exist
Speaker:in a world of their own.
Speaker:When Conan has a guest on his show, this guest is the center of his world for the next ten
Speaker:minutes.
Speaker:They are the most interesting person he's ever come across.
Speaker:Everything they say is spellbinding.
Speaker:He is insatiably curious about their stories and he reacts to anything they say with an
Speaker:abhorious laugh and an otherwise exaggerated reaction that they were seeking.
Speaker:He is charmingly positive and can always find a humorous spin on a negative aspect of a
Speaker:story.
Speaker:His sole purpose is to make his guest comfortable on the show, encourage them to talk about
Speaker:themselves and, ultimately, make them feel good and look good.
Speaker:In turn, this makes them share revealing things they might not otherwise share and create
Speaker:a connection and chemistry with him that is so important for a talk show.
Speaker:The viewers at home are desperate to learn about this celebrity guest, so Conan acts
Speaker:as a proxy for their curiosity.
Speaker:Also, the viewers can tell in an instant if either party is mailing it in or faking it,
Speaker:so Conan's job literally depends on his ability to use his curiosity to connect on a deeper
Speaker:level.
Speaker:Even with grumpy or more quiet guests, he's able to elevate their energy levels and attitudes
Speaker:simply by being intensely interested in them at an energy level slightly above theirs and
Speaker:encouraging them by giving them the great reactions that they seek.
Speaker:It's almost as if he plays the game, how little can I say to get the most out of people.
Speaker:Of course, in your life, this equates to those people you come across that are like pulling
Speaker:teeth to talk to.
Speaker:A little bit of friendly encouragement and affirmation can make even the meekest clam
Speaker:open up.
Speaker:Numerous questions directing the conversation toward them and the feeling that you actually
Speaker:care are also integral.
Speaker:Imagine the relief you can create at dreaded networking events.
Speaker:People like those who like them, so when you react the way they want, it encourages them
Speaker:to be more outgoing and open with you.
Speaker:Other talk show hosts would later go on the record lamenting how often they disliked his
Speaker:guests and how boring he found the actors and actresses that he would be forced to speak
Speaker:to.
Speaker:But that's a testament to how highly trained his habit of curiosity was.
Speaker:He started by making a conscious decision to be curious, built the habit, and engaged
Speaker:his guests easily.
Speaker:Do you think his guests could tell if he was interested or not?
Speaker:Never.
Speaker:Curiosity allows people to feel comfortable enough to speak freely beyond a superficial
Speaker:level because you're demonstrating that you care and that you will listen when they open
Speaker:up.
Speaker:People won't be inclined to reveal their secret thoughts if they think it will be met with
Speaker:apathy after all.
Speaker:So whether you have to fake it till you make it, Conan O'Brien is who your mindset and
Speaker:attitude should feel like.
Speaker:It's a banal and often used quote, but for good reason.
Speaker:Dale Carnegie said it best, you can make more friends in two months by becoming truly interested
Speaker:in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in
Speaker:you.
Speaker:In case Conan O'Brien's curiosity still isn't coming naturally to you, here are some more
Speaker:specific patterns of thought you can use to improve your people skills.
Speaker:I wonder what they are like.
Speaker:When you start to wonder about the other person, it changes your perspective on them completely.
Speaker:This is an inkling of curiosity.
Speaker:You start to care about them, not only about their shallow traits such as their occupation
Speaker:or how their day is going, but what motivates them and what makes them act in the way they
Speaker:do.
Speaker:Having a sense of wonder about someone is one of the most powerful mindsets you can
Speaker:have because it makes you want to scratch your itch.
Speaker:Scratching the itch of curiosity will become secondary to everything else because you simply
Speaker:want to know about the other person.
Speaker:Suppose you had a sense of wonder about computers as a child.
Speaker:You were probably irritating with how many questions you asked anyone that seemed to
Speaker:have knowledge about computers.
Speaker:What kind of attention span are you going to devote to computers and what kind of questions
Speaker:are you going to ask?
Speaker:You're going to skip the small talk interview questions and get right down to the details
Speaker:because it's what you care and wonder about.
Speaker:Keeping the mindset of wonderment will completely change the way you interact with people because
Speaker:you will suddenly care and much of the time we don't notice that we don't care about
Speaker:the person we're talking to.
Speaker:You'll dig deeper and deeper until you can put together a picture of what you're wondering
Speaker:about.
Speaker:What can they teach me?
Speaker:Don't read this from the perspective of attempting to gain what you can from someone.
Speaker:Read it from the perspective of seeing others as being people worthy of your attention.
Speaker:Everyone has valuable knowledge whether it applies to your life or not.
Speaker:Everyone is great at something and everyone is a domain expert in something that you are
Speaker:not no matter how small or obscure.
Speaker:The main point is to ignite an interest in the other person as opposed to an apathetic
Speaker:approach.
Speaker:Imagine if you were a huge skiing junkie and you met someone that used to be a professional
Speaker:skier.
Speaker:They might have even reached the Olympics in their prime.
Speaker:What will follow?
Speaker:You'll be thrilled by what you can potentially learn and gain from the other person and that
Speaker:will guide the entire interaction.
Speaker:Again, there will be a level of interest and engagement if you view others as worthy of
Speaker:talking to, but you'd never know unless you dug.
Speaker:Whether we like to admit it or not, sometimes we feel some people are not worth our time.
Speaker:It's a bad habit and this line of thinking is one of the first steps toward breaking
Speaker:it.
Speaker:One is worth our time, but you won't be able to discover it if you don't put in the work.
Speaker:What do we have in common?
Speaker:This is an investigation into the life experiences you share with someone.
Speaker:It instantly makes them more engaging and interesting because we feel that they are
Speaker:more similar to us.
Speaker:It may sound a bit egotistical, but we are undoubtedly more captivated by people that
Speaker:share the same views and interests as us.
Speaker:It may even elevate people, especially if we are surrounded by different people from
Speaker:us.
Speaker:For instance, if you discovered that a new stranger was born in the same hospital as
Speaker:you were, despite being in a different country, you would instantly feel more open to them.
Speaker:This person must share similar worldviews, values and humor, but you wouldn't have discovered
Speaker:that if you didn't make an attempt at digging.
Speaker:You're going to be on a hunt and you'll ask the important questions that get you where
Speaker:you want to be.
Speaker:You might jump from topic to topic or you might dive in and ask directly.
Speaker:Perhaps it's just because you'll have something to fixate on besides talking for talking's
Speaker:sake, but these attitudes will drastically change how you approach people.
Speaker:Curiosity can still be hard, which is why my final suggestion for creating curiosity
Speaker:is to make a game of it.
Speaker:Your goal is to learn as much about the other person as possible.
Speaker:Alternatively, assume there's something extremely thrilling and exciting about the other person
Speaker:and make it your quest to find it.
Speaker:Eventually, you'll find what you're looking for.
Speaker:The next time you go out to a cafe or store, put these attitudes to the test with the captive
Speaker:audience of the baristas or cashiers you come across, the lucky few who are paid to be nice
Speaker:to you.
Speaker:Do you perceive these workers to be below you?
Speaker:Or do you treat them differently than you would treat a good friend?
Speaker:Do you have a sense of wonderment and curiosity about them?
Speaker:What do you think they can teach you and what do you have in common with them?
Speaker:Do you tend to ask the baristas or cashiers about their day and actually care about their
Speaker:answer?
Speaker:If not, do you think you'll be able to simply turn it on when you're around people you
Speaker:care about?
Speaker:Practice your mindsets about the people around you.
Speaker:It's the easiest practice you'll have because you don't have to lift a finger, but it drastically
Speaker:transforms the quality of relationships you create.
Speaker:Walk a mile for empathy.
Speaker:The final piece of how to reposition your approach to others is all about empathy.
Speaker:Empathy is the ability to understand the feelings of other people and how they might translate
Speaker:into actions and behaviors.
Speaker:When you can relate to someone, you can understand their motivations and behavior, which will
Speaker:dramatically change how you approach and interact with them.
Speaker:It's the ability to walk a mile in someone else's shoes to withhold judgment, understand
Speaker:better, and communicate like you're reading their minds.
Speaker:Most people have empathy, but it only comes in spurts or it doesn't go very deep into
Speaker:feeling what other people feel.
Speaker:We might be impacted for a split second when we see a homeless person, but as soon as we
Speaker:walk past them, we tend to immediately forget about them, out of sight, out of mind.
Speaker:It's not to say that you should put all your obligations to the side and fully commiserate
Speaker:with the plights of the world, ala Mother Teresa, but there is certainly room for greater
Speaker:empathy in the pursuit of better communication.
Speaker:A key to empathy concerns judgment.
Speaker:When it comes first in the form of a snapshot, without considering wider context and intentions,
Speaker:empathy is doomed to fail.
Speaker:I would suggest a five-step thinking process that comes courtesy of the Avatar Journal,
Speaker:an online publication focused on compassion and empathy.
Speaker:Remember, the purpose is to not take people at face value and to try to understand their
Speaker:latent emotions.
Speaker:For instance, if someone lashes out at you, it is an unpleasant experience, but what has
Speaker:caused them such distress to do so?
Speaker:Step one, just like me, this person is seeking happiness in his or her life.
Speaker:Step two, just like me, this person is trying to avoid suffering in his or her life.
Speaker:Step three, just like me, this person has known sadness, loneliness, and despair.
Speaker:Step four, just like me, this person is seeking to fill his or her needs.
Speaker:Step five, just like me, this person is learning about life.
Speaker:Take the example of the homeless person you see on the streets.
Speaker:How might going through this five-step thought process put them in a new light about their
Speaker:struggles and daily realities?
Speaker:How might you view them differently and understand their lives a bit more?
Speaker:We are always choosing our interpretations of people, whether consciously or subconsciously.
Speaker:When you engage in empathy, you make the choice to interpret them with psychological closeness,
Speaker:as if they were an extension of you.
Speaker:You begin to take on their views and thoughts without really trying, and that's quite
Speaker:an efficient means of reading between the lines to improve your communication.
Speaker:Being a people person is about innately understanding as many perspectives as possible.
Speaker:The end result of having a highly-tuned sense of empathy is that people will ask you in
Speaker:a rhetorical sense, do you know what I mean?
Speaker:And you'll be able to put words and sentiments into their mouths.
Speaker:I can't emphasize how powerful this is in building a connection that goes deep.
Speaker:Let's take Patricia Moore, for example.
Speaker:She's a prime example of taking the extra step to understand others and thus be able
Speaker:to speak for them.
Speaker:Moore was an American designer who conducted an experiment in the 1970s that fundamentally
Speaker:changed people's notions about empathy.
Speaker:What began as a social experiment quickly turned into something more.
Speaker:She, at the age of 26, dressed up as an 85-year-old woman to investigate what life was like for
Speaker:an elderly person.
Speaker:Specifically, what were the challenges they faced as a result of old age, and how could
Speaker:those challenges be conquered?
Speaker:On and off, for three full years, Moore donned full makeup, walked with a limp to simulate
Speaker:arthritis, and wrapped herself in bandages to fake ailments and illnesses.
Speaker:To complete her transformation into an elderly person, she wore thick glasses that she couldn't
Speaker:see well out of.
Speaker:In disguise, she visited many cities and acted as an elderly woman might.
Speaker:She rode public transportation, navigated stores, and generally tried her hand at everyday
Speaker:life, essentially handicapped by her advanced age and various ailments.
Speaker:Based on her experiences, she walked away with a profoundly new perspective on product
Speaker:design.
Speaker:Turned out that designs in America are focused predominantly on people who are younger and
Speaker:more able.
Speaker:Women openers, doors, and other modern amenities were bundled up with all sorts of assumptions
Speaker:regarding physical ability.
Speaker:These products were designed for those who are in the prime of their lives.
Speaker:They're not very friendly to children and they were definitely outright hostile to the
Speaker:physical limitations of elderly Americans.
Speaker:They were not very accommodating or convenient for those with simple ailments such as weak
Speaker:hands or poor eyesight.
Speaker:Based on these experiences and her difficulties, she came up with new product designs that
Speaker:can be used by elderly people.
Speaker:She also invented new kitchen products that can easily be used by people suffering from
Speaker:arthritis.
Speaker:Based on her three-year experience, she became one of the most outspoken and prominent elderly
Speaker:rights advocates in the United States.
Speaker:Thanks in large part to her own personal efforts at understanding modern life from the perspective
Speaker:of an older American, the Americans with Disabilities Act, ADA, was passed.
Speaker:By simply choosing to walk a mile in another person's shoes, we begin to see the world
Speaker:in a very different way.
Speaker:Her experience is a powerful testimony to how well we can improve ourselves and the
Speaker:world around us by simply choosing to be open-minded and actively seeking to look at the world
Speaker:through the eyes of people we, at least on the surface, don't have much in common with.
Speaker:It evokes the quote of Brad Meltzer, everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing
Speaker:about.
Speaker:Be kind, always.
Speaker:When we focus on the universal fact that we are all trying to overcome something, suddenly
Speaker:we can release some of our tension toward others.
Speaker:For example, what are the struggles that your friends or co-workers are going through?
Speaker:Suppose one of them is going through a divorce.
Speaker:It's worth visualizing the struggles in that and even doing some research so you understand
Speaker:them better, but go beyond that starting point.
Speaker:What do their daily triumphs and struggles look like?
Speaker:There are certain triggers and anxieties associated with divorce, not to mention created by it,
Speaker:and you would relate to them exponentially better if you just engaged in this thought
Speaker:exercise from time to time.
Speaker:By choosing to be more selfless and curious, a repeated theme, about others' perspectives,
Speaker:you can begin to understand people better.
Speaker:Inherent in empathy, curiosity, and Hanlon's razor, and the logic of our assumptions, is
Speaker:that we must fundamentally change how we treat and think of others.
Speaker:Before we ever open our mouths, we'd better make sure that we're setting ourselves up
Speaker:for success.
Speaker:Think how you might want to ensure that there's clean water in your water stores before opening
Speaker:the water faucet.
Speaker:Takeaways
Speaker:People's skills start far before you ever engage with anyone.
Speaker:They start from the thoughts we have about people and the general way in which we approach
Speaker:them.
Speaker:Our thoughts become our reality in one way or another, so, say, clever Hans and Pygmalion,
Speaker:so we must curate them.
Speaker:This starts with Hanlon's razor and, at worst, assuming negligence or obliviousness instead
Speaker:of malice and ill intent.
Speaker:Most people are well-meaning most of the time, and it only damages potential relationships
Speaker:to think anything else.
Speaker:We have far too many assumptions about people that all culminate in a hostile, offensive,
Speaker:and guarded way of regarding others.
Speaker:Most of these assumptions end up being spectacularly wrong.
Speaker:Curiosity is the ultimate people's skills lubricant, but it can be difficult to summon
Speaker:because we often have a subconscious or very conscious feeling that some people are not
Speaker:worth our time.
Speaker:This, of course, is a fallacy that leads to a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Speaker:At the very least, we should think about what people are like, what we have in common with
Speaker:others, and what they have to teach us.
Speaker:Even better, we can utilize the mindset of the talk show host, which is to make the other
Speaker:person the star of the moment and dig into their life to make them as interesting as
Speaker:possible.
Speaker:The final piece of our mindset and approach toward others comes in the form of empathy.
Speaker:Empathy is the ability to understand the feelings of other people.
Speaker:Empathy is the ability to accurately put yourself in someone else's shoes and experience what
Speaker:they are feeling.
Speaker:This is particularly powerful when we regard them as similar to us with all associated
Speaker:hopes, dreams, and expectations, and when we think about the struggles they are overcoming
Speaker:in the current moment.
Speaker:There always is a struggle.
Speaker:This has been Improve Your People Skills.
Speaker:How to connect with anyone, communicate effectively, develop deep relationships, and become a people
Speaker:person.
Speaker:Written by Patrick King.
Speaker:Narrated by Russell Newton.
Speaker:Copyright 2019 by Patrick King.
Speaker:Production Copyright by Patrick King.
