Establishing Boundaries

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Establishing Boundaries. How to protect yourself, become assertive, take back control, and set yourself free. Written by Patrick King, narrated by Russell Newton. Boundaries are one of those things we all take for granted; we never really think about them until they stop working properly. It’s easy to see where the limits of our physical body are, but where are your psychological, emotional, and even spiritual limits? Do you have a clear idea of where you end and the rest of the world begins? It’s common to assume that others will automatically respect the boundaries set between us and them, or that others will simply tell us if we cross their boundaries. However, creating and maintaining boundaries is a skill, one that most of us haven’t expressly been taught. We tend to assume that loose boundaries are good and make us likeable to others, yet we may experience years of poor relationships with others before we even realize that our boundaries are the source of our problems. Similarly, it's easy to mistake overly strict boundaries as a marker of self-respect, but they, too, harm our ability to form healthy bonds with others. In this book, we’ll be looking closely at what a boundary actually is, the different kinds of boundaries that exist, and exactly how to turn unhealthy boundaries into self-serving, nonnegotiable standards.

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Because it can be so tricky to even recognize a poorly-set boundary, we’ll be looking at all the classic signs that one’s boundaries could use some work. In addition, we’ll also look at the signs and symptoms of insufficient boundaries that are less common. By digging in deep to uncover the unconscious beliefs that inspire and motivate our everyday behavior, we can begin to unravel the habits that keep us stuck in disrespectful, exhausting, or even abusive dynamics. From there, we can start to build identities that align with the lives we actually want for ourselves. On the surface, boundaries don’t seem like such a big deal; however, the closer you look, the more you’ll see that mastering the art of perfectly balanced boundaries is at the core of optimum mental, physical, and spiritual health. The following story is completely fictional, but similar situations have taken place numerous times across the globe. It may have even happened to you—see if you can recognize yourself in it: A single woman is actively dating and trying out lots of new ways to meet new people.

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One day, her mother’s friend sets her up with a young man who everyone believes she will get along well with. The woman feels awkward and unsure about this, but goes along with it to please her (admittedly nosy) mother. “Just give him a chance,” people around her say, and despite feeling uninterested, the woman agrees to the date. The man turns up at the restaurant at the agreed-upon time and the woman takes an immediate dislike to him. She finds him unattractive, boring, and the complete opposite of the sort of person she is looking for. But despite her discomfort and desire to end the date right then and there, she realizes that she can’t bear to look rude or unkind, so she pushes herself to smile and be nice.

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She inwardly admonishes herself for being picky, judgmental, and superficial. At the end of the date, she’s exhausted and can’t wait to get away, but the man suggests that they go get ice cream together. Her heart sinks. He seems so insistent on this outing. Feeling guilty and cornered, she agrees. She says nothing when he touches her arm, and again says nothing when he later tries to hold her hand.

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After ice cream, the woman quickly finds herself agreeing to a second date to avoid appearing mean or ungrateful. All the while, what she really wants to say is, “Thanks for your time, but I’m not interested.” Won’t her mother be disappointed and imply that there’s something wrong with her for never being satisfied with anyone? Won’t the man be hurt and feel rejected if she turns him down? Because the woman believes she is heavily responsible for the feelings of everyone else in this scenario, she keeps saying “yes” when she really means “NO. ” Date four rolls around and this time, the man invites her over to his place. She doesn’t really want to go, but doesn’t want to seem prudish, unadventurous, or boring, so she goes anyway. She holds her tongue when the man says something that she knows is factually incorrect; she accepts drinks when she’d rather not have any; she laughs at jokes she doesn’t find funny—after all, she wouldn’t want to make him feel uncomfortable, would she? To conclude, the woman soon feels so used that she eventually snaps rudely at the man, then completely avoids him and refuses to answer his calls. He gets angry and wonders why she “led him on.” Everyone else involved is incredibly confused—weren’t they getting along great? The woman herself has difficulty understanding what happened. He was a nice guy, and she was trying so hard to do the right thing. So, why did it end so badly? Let’s first consider another example.

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A woman finds it difficult to progress in her career. She’s likeable and good at what she does, but somehow is always overlooked for promotions. One day during a meeting, she notices that her name is misspelled on documents, but keeps quiet—she doesn’t want to cause any trouble. Her younger, less-qualified colleague then blatantly suggests her idea to their colleagues, presenting it as his own. She’s angry about it, but feels sorry for him and decides to let it slide. She knows just how difficult it can be to make a name for oneself!

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She decides she doesn’t really mind and reassures herself that she can always come up with more ideas. Later in the meeting, she is asked to take on a task that is not listed in her job description. The task would take significant time and energy that she doesn’t have. Unfortunately, she doesn’t feel courageous enough or entitled to say “no,” and accepts this extra work immediately. On the way home that evening, long after she’s supposed to be finished with work, she answers emails on the train and sees an email alerting her that she had been signed up to cater an event at the office that upcoming weekend. Not only had she not been informed about—or even invited to—this event, it was automatically assumed that she would organize it, simply because she had agreed to do something similar last year.

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At the end of the year, the woman is asked to train the younger, idea-stealing colleague because they intend to promote him and give him extra responsibilities. Angry and upset, she confronts her boss to ask why she was never once considered for the position. His answers stuns her: “You didn’t ask.” This woman is a conscientious, hardworking employee who possesses all of the skills and experience needed to succeed in her field. In fact, her department finds her indispensable and leans on her heavily. She knows she’s good at what she does, and yet… why does she feel so worthless? Why does she never seem to advance? Drawing The Line These women (and men, of course) may have problems with assertiveness or self-esteem, but the bigger issue they have in common is simple: poor boundaries.

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The first woman knows instantly that she is not interested and doesn’t want to continue with her date, but she never feels able to assert this boundary, to confidently say “no” to what she doesn’t want, without feeling like a bad person. She decides instead to allow other people to intrude—psychologically, emotionally, even physically—when she would rather have them keep a respectful distance. While she thinks that doing so makes her a “nice” person, the irony is that when she snaps at her date, he is confused and wonders, Why didn’t she just say she wasn’t interested in the first place? The second woman has a similar problem, although in addition to not being able to say “no,” she also seems unable to say yes to what she does want. She dutifully martyrs herself by undertaking extra work she is too busy to do, is happy to go without thanks or acknowledgment, and never prioritizes herself, her needs, or her wants. Rather than asking others for help, she takes on extra work for them. Rather than speaking up when she’s been hurt, insulted, looked over, or actively violated, she keeps quiet and swallows her anger and disappointment.

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The result, sadly, is not that people see the many ways she bends over backwards and finally agree that she’s worth treating well; instead, they take her for granted even more. Because she has never stated and defended her boundaries, her colleagues assume that her silence is a tacit agreement to the treatment she gets. If she doesn’t care about her needs, limitations, and boundaries, why should they? In this book, we’re going to be looking at what boundaries are, what function they serve, and how difficult life can be when we fail to maintain healthy and appropriate boundaries. It’s arguable that women are trained in our society to have weak or non-existent boundaries. However, a part of reclaiming your own space in the world is about taking responsibility and ownership for setting (and respecting!) boundaries—and this applies to both men and women! A boundary is a line we draw between ourselves and the rest of the world. Inside of it is who we are, what we want, the meaning we create for ourselves, and more.

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Outside of it are other people, external events beyond our control, and a reality that is not strictly “our business.” Humans are social beings and we’re always engaging with others, always negotiating relationships, always sharing and exchanging energies with each other. But through all of this, a healthy person has a crystal clear understanding of who they are and the nonnegotiable limits of their being. A boundary is often assumed to be about keeping something or someone out, but it is much more than this. A boundary acts not only to draw a line around what is not you, but also to reinforce and affirm what is you. Having strong boundaries doesn’t mean you are inflexible, selfish, mean, or uninterested in engaging with others. Rather, knowing and holding boundaries is a beautiful way to celebrate who you are, what you stand for, and all of the things you want to focus on and prioritize in life. A life with established boundaries is one of self-respect—the respect to give yourself what you need and to remove yourself from the things that hurt or degrade you.

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Boundaries are about taking mature, proactive responsibility for yourself—never blaming others for your own reality, but at the same time never letting others blame you for theirs. With boundaries, we are in control. We show love to ourselves and to others, because we implicitly communicate that we are valuable. Our time, bodies, emotions, thoughts, beliefs, and actions are valuable. They are worth something—worth being defended and taken care of. Every time we say “no” to something harmful in the world, we are effectively saying “yes” to ourselves and our own well=being.

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Every time we say “no” to an intrusive or needy person, we are saying “yes” to them learning their own life lessons without us rescuing them, and “yes” to our own right to autonomous well-being. A person with intact and healthy boundaries will feel safe, calm, and respected. A person with poor boundaries will feel violated by the world and others, unappreciated, disrespected, overly obliged, guilty, resentful, and insecure. Sadly, sovereignty and self-worth are characteristics that, in our world, need to be fought for. We can strengthen this autonomy, however, by loving ourselves enough to maintain our boundaries. Types Of Boundaries For people with “boundary issues,” the idea of great boundaries seems simple enough, but it can be incredibly challenging to know what exactly that means.

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Let’s start by imagining that there are different kinds of boundaries. You, as a human being, have a selfhood that is autonomous, separate, and with value and worth completely independent of the value you provide others. As a human being, you also possess many different selves: a physical self, an emotional self, and so on. Physical boundaries affirm that your body belongs to you and nobody else. You can share it with others when you want to, but it is ultimately yours. The most basic right we all have is a right to our own bodies; your physical limits, preferences, and needs are important—as important as anyone else’s. Women who have been in abusive relationships can have their physical boundaries eroded over time—they stop believing that their bodies are 100% theirs.

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Even a woman who hasn’t been abused may buy into the sexist idea that if a man is nice to her and pays for dinner, she “owes” him sex, or that if a partner pushes or intimidates her one day, it’s OK because she must deserve it somehow. A physical boundary is also something that we draw to keep out any behaviors, substances, situations, or activities that undermine our body’s safety and health. A physical boundary says: I am here. I belong, and my body is mine and mine alone. I’m allowed to take up space, to say “no,” to be tired or sick, to be on my own, to see to my needs. My body is not for others—it’s for me. Emotional boundaries communicate exactly the same thing, but on an emotional level. Your emotions are yours—they can’t be wrong or right, and they are not something you should be blamed for or made to feel guilty about.

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Some people try to control others by controlling their narrative. They’ll say, “Oh, you’re being dramatic,” or, “You’re overreacting.” But nobody can tell you what you feel, how you should feel, or what your feelings mean. We’re all allowed to feel what we feel. On the other hand, the rights come with responsibilities—we’re free to own our own feelings, but not to make others responsible for them or demand that others feel the way we think they should feel. An emotional boundary says: I feel how I feel. I accept, love, and trust myself. I am the ultimate arbiter over my emotional reality.

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I know what I feel, and I don’t need permission from anybody to feel it. Mental and spiritual boundaries exist, too. We set up a mental boundary whenever we have the wisdom to say, “That’s enough social media for today, it’s getting me down. I’m going for a walk instead.” Firm mental boundaries allow us to hold opinions or ideas, even when others don’t like them, and prevent us from being bullied, coerced, or manipulated away from what we know is best for us. Spiritual boundaries are similar—with spiritual boundaries, you have the confidence to fully own your spiritual or religious beliefs, and to share them with who you choose to, as much as you choose to. You have the ability to defend and nurture your spirit and soul in just the same way that you’d defend and nurture your body. Material boundaries involve drawing an empowered line around all of the material possessions we own, most commonly money, but also assets, personal items, clothing, and other belongings.

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We are not obligated to give and give and give materially, and we don’t have to share with others continually to our own detriment. We are allowed to have privacy and to have our own things for our own use. Mental, spiritual, and material boundaries all say: My life is important. The way I am matters and I’m allowed to pursue what’s important to me without feeling guilt or shame. We can also talk about time boundaries (“I will not spend all of my life working when I have a family I care about!”). Your time is valuable and you have a right to spend it on activities you consider important. Such boundaries are necessary at home and work, as well as in your social relationships.

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Asking professionals to perform extra work without overtime, being disturbed repeatedly by a friend at inappropriate hours to help solve their problems, and even showing up excessively late are all examples of time boundary violations. There are sexual boundaries (“I only engage in sexual activities that I want to when I want to, and I deserve to have these boundaries respected”). These are often prone to eroding over time, especially in relationships when partners insist on trying things that you might be uncomfortable with. We can fall into the trap of violating our own boundaries by giving in, but it is important that we respect ourselves enough to stand firm. Digital boundaries are yet another type of boundary that you might want to consider. This includes discussing with another person whether it is appropriate to use each other’s devices, discuss a relationship on social media platforms, share passwords, befriend each other’s friends online, etc. This one might require some negotiation and compromise, making communication key in arriving at a workable arrangement. Finally, energy boundaries are also important in your relationships with others (“I refuse to let myself be drained or depressed by certain people or events”).

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Some people are naturally more attuned to the positive or negative energies that individuals radiate, and this can have a significant impact on their own mood. If this sounds familiar, try identifying the types of situations or people that act as triggers. Distance yourself from these triggers. You might find spending time with a particular family member bothersome, yet worry about appearing rude for avoiding them. In such cases, you must prioritize self-care over social norms. It’s hard to imagine either woman in our examples thinking or believing any of the above.

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So, why do people like these women have poor boundaries in the first place? The answer is complex, and we’ll explore cultural, familial, and historical reasons in more detail later. Whatever the reason for it, a poor boundary is an external manifestation of an internal reality. Ultimately, poor boundaries likely accompany any set of beliefs that tells us that we are less important than others. We might tell ourselves: • I can’t be bothered to say something. • I don’t want to cause any drama. • People might dislike me if I’m not exactly how they want me to be. • I don’t have a right to demand more. • I might be punished if I am too assertive. • I hate being “aggressive.” • People who set boundaries are mean and selfish, and I don’t want others to think that of me. • I’m only a “good” person if I help others feel better somehow. • I’m not entitled to be happy. • Other people’s wants are more legitimate and important than my own. For now, it’s enough to know that a boundary is something we draw around our valuable and distinctive selves, in accordance with our needs and values. Many of us lack boundaries simply because we falsely believe that we don’t deserve them. A boundary can look like a tolerance (“I will end a relationship with anyone who tries to control or manipulate me”), a limit (“I will not work on the weekends”), or an expectation (“I expect my family to treat me with respect”), but they all communicate a nonnegotiable degree of value you place on yourself and the minimal conditions for interacting with you. In later chapters, we’ll consider exactly how to discover your boundaries, as well as how to enforce them, but for now, consider that boundaries are all unique to the person who makes them.

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There are no wrong or unreasonable boundaries, and you are free to create any boundaries you want. Are You In Need? If you've had the misfortune to receive messages from others stating that your needs are less important than theirs, you may find it difficult not only to know what your boundaries are, but also to convincingly communicate them. Oftentimes, we internalize these messages after being exposed to them over a long period of time, through different people who all seem to agree on our (low) worth. We may fear offending people, damaging relationships, or coming across as mean or selfish. However, with practice, we can all learn (and must learn!) how to assert boundaries without aggression or guilt.

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The most important work is to truly understand your own worth and believe in it before trying to convince someone else of it. Much advice you’ll see about setting boundaries focuses only on superficial changes, such as what specifically to say or do. But meekly saying “no” in a quiet voice with body language that suggests you don’t expect to be taken seriously will seldom work. To be calm and self-assured, to hold yourself with dignity, to speak confidently and clearly—these things are not possible without a genuine shift in the way you view yourself and the world. In the chapters that remain, we’ll go a little deeper and explore not only the practical aspects of maintaining boundaries, but also what it means to have the self-worth and self-respect from which healthy boundaries emanate. Many of us have had poor early childhood experiences around needs, rights, and self-worth—but we can always learn!

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By the time you’ve read this book, you should feel more comfortable and at home in your own value, able to identify your needs and limits, and know precisely how to communicate them to others in your life. You’ll learn to have better and more empowered relationships with others, but more than this, you will learn to feel more autonomous and secure within yourself. The topic of boundaries is a deceptively simple one—though we can all grasp the concept intellectually, it takes immense self-knowledge and courage to practice the principles that inform truly healthy boundary-setting. Anybody can simply copy the behaviors of balanced, self-assured people, but readers of this book can expect to delve a little deeper and start to cultivate that strong sense of awareness, self-worth, and respect that makes good boundaries a natural and inevitable behavior. We’ll look at many of the theories and models behind boundaries, but focus also on practical, real-world ways that you can start claiming and asserting your own boundaries, right now. At the end of this book, you’ll be able to see clearly why the women in our opening examples experienced what they did, and how they could have done things differently—i.e., in a way that honored and respected their needs and limits.

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You’ll also start developing your own mental toolkit to help you better understand what you need for your well-being and exactly how to calmly ask for it from the world, confident in the expectation that your experience matters and deserves to be respected. Unhealthy boundaries take a lifetime to develop; replacing them with better ones won’t happen overnight. But with some self-compassion, awareness, and an unshaken belief in your own worth as the marvelously unique human being that you are, you can begin to set up exactly those conditions in life that will most serve your happiness and success. The process will undoubtedly involve much trial and error, but with enough persistence, you will eventually be successful at not only projecting a confident, self-assured personality, but also feeling the part yourself. Summary • A boundary is a line between us as individuals and the rest of the world. Inside of this boundary lies everything related to ourselves, things that are relevant to us and that are under our control.

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Outside of it is everything else. • In our social interactions, our boundaries define what we are comfortable with, based on our values and conceptions of what is important and what isn’t. Having healthy boundaries is a key component of good relationships and friendships. • It is common for people to have poor boundaries due to the cultural messages or upbringing that they have experienced. We are repeatedly told to avoid saying “no” in our lives, to quietly accept any mistreatment from others so as to not bother anyone else. However, poor boundaries result in low self-esteem, a sense of being out of control of your life, and resentment towards others.

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It also leads to us being subjected to exploitative behavior from those who are all too happy to use our poor boundaries to their advantage. • There are several different types of boundaries that one can have. These include physical, emotional, spiritual, sexual, digital, time, and even energy boundaries. All of these various categories, however, reinforce the same message—that you are important and deserve to be respected. Whether this is with respect to your body, your feelings, your time, your sexual preferences, or something else, you have a right to demand what you desire in an appropriate manner. • This book and the following chapters are for those who, for one reason or another, have come to develop boundaries that are either too loose or too rigid.

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This requires not only being familiar with what exactly healthy boundaries are, but also a fundamental shift in how you view yourself. Others will believe in your worth only once you yourself do, and this book aims to cultivate a positive self-image in its readers. Chapter Two: Your Relationship With Boundaries A personal boundary is a rule or limit we set up to moderate our interactions with others and the outside world. It’s a conditional statement that lets us decide whether something is acceptable or unacceptable to us. A violated boundary is a signal to us to protect ourselves when necessary. There are two ways this process can go wrong: having overly rigid boundaries means that you shut people out and deny yourself intimacy; but on the other hand, boundaries that are too permeable can be just as bad.

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The balance is somewhere right in the middle—a healthy boundary. How do you know where your boundaries fall? Well, that’s the joy of boundaries. Nobody can (or should) answer this question but you! You get to decide your own preferences of engagement with people—and you can change your mind at any time. That being said, there are some telltale clues that your boundaries are not really working for you. All boundaries are permitted, but not all of them are beneficial. Your boundaries may be considered a little too rigid if you: • Avoid intimacy in general • Dislike asking for help • Try hard to avoid rejection or criticism • Feel lonely • Keep people at arm’s length • Seldom compromise • Feel detached, protective or extremely private • Have few close relationships On the other hand, your boundaries may be too porous if you: • Often find yourself settling for disrespect or outright abuse • Never speak up for yourself • Feel dependent on others and their approval • Have trouble saying “no” • Overshare the details of your life • Are deeply sensitive to and aware of other people’s emotions, sometimes making those emotions your personal responsibility • Find it hard to make a decision on your own, and are not confident in your own judgment • Have relationships that are dramatic, difficult, or codependent • Frequently feel manipulated, bullied, taken advantage of, dominated, controlled, pushed, violated, pressured, used...

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• Sometimes resort to passive aggression to get what you want • Feel that you’re not really sure who you are, deep down • Regularly feel guilty, anxious, overcommitted, or resentful at others’ demands • Feel very responsible for others’ happiness • Constantly feel like you put more into every relationship than you get out • Feel run-down and depleted of energy often • Feel like the victim a lot of the time • Are deeply fearful of being abandoned or judged as a bad person If you’re reading these lists and see some of yourself in both, that’s understandable—humans are complex and may have boundaries that are too weak one moment and too strong the next, almost to overcompensate. Alternatively, we may find ourselves relatively stern and self-contained in one aspect of life (for example, work) but it’s a completely different story in another area of life (say, romantic relationships). Whether they’re too strong or too weak, unhealthy boundaries have a predictable effect on us: they interfere with our ability to connect healthily and meaningfully with those around us. Intimacy is something to negotiate—and a poor boundary fails to find a balance. Those with overly strong boundaries may feel they are protecting themselves by being “independent,” just as those with porous boundaries may feel they are being good, kind people. But ultimately, our healthiest relationships occur when we can seek intimacy while still maintaining a robust sense of our own autonomy. You’ll know your boundaries are in good shape when you can say and hear “no” without feeling bad.

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When you can value your thoughts, opinions, and feelings, as well as consider those of others. When you feel confident enough to never have to change who you are in order to be approved of by others, but are mature enough to compromise when needed. Most importantly, whatever you do is because you consciously choose to do it, according to your own values. We’ve already considered the different types of boundaries, but we’ll be focusing in this book primarily on those that are usually the most challenging—interpersonal and emotional boundaries with others. In any case, all boundaries are strongly linked to one another. For example, poor emotional boundaries can leak into all areas of life, including our work, our sexual relationships, or our daily habits. The Conditional Statement Later in the book, we will spend a little more time on considering how boundaries can be not only set up, but enforced.

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The important thing about a boundary is that it actually means something. It’s essentially a conditional statement saying, “If this happens, this is what I will do.” It only has power as long as you and everyone else believes you will act on it. A boundary with no real-world consequences for violation is simply no boundary at all. Let’s consider an example. A very basic physical boundary of yours might be that you dislike being hugged by strangers. To enforce this boundary, you could keep your distance from others, politely decline hugs, or kindly explain to people that you generally avoid hugs.

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You could consider what would actually happen if this boundary was violated—what would you do? Would your response be effective? By outlining all of these potential scenarios, you take control of your own desires, limits, and personal space. You turn your beliefs about yourself into concrete action that has a real effect on others. It can be hard in the moment, for example, to let someone know you are uncomfortable with how close they are standing to you, but if you spend the time to figure out a polite way to voice your boundaries beforehand, you can feel more empowered in social situations to simply say what you feel without feeling uncomfortable. The inner work informs the outer work. No matter how big or small your needs seem, it’s important to take the time to understand what you want and are comfortable with. But this is only half of the story. It’s also necessary to know how you’ll respond when and if people don’t respect these boundaries.

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Your reaction to the violation of different boundaries is sure to vary, and you’ll need to think of how severe of a reaction each violation deserves. This is where the real power comes in—you teach others to respect and be considerate of you when you communicate that your boundaries are nonnegotiable and that you mean them. It can feel scary at first to assert a boundary, but it only becomes easier with time, and your confidence can only grow. As you learn to define and defend your boundaries, you may learn something interesting—that there are genuinely good people out there who are happy to respect them. On the other hand, some of your closest friends and acquaintances will stubbornly continue to treat you in disrespectful ways. Acknowledge this and be mindful of those people who make you feel guilty or punish you for not being as they’d like. What are they communicating when they fail to respect a boundary set up to protect you? Do you agree with that message? This might be a useful indicator of an overly harsh boundary in some cases, but the fact that they chose to violate your boundaries instead of communicating clearly with you is also telling. It can be a vicious cycle—when we are disrespected, we may internalize the belief that we are not worth much, and then conduct ourselves in a way that courts and allows further disrespect.

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But we can turn this cycle the other way around. The more we say what we want and need, and the more we act to align with that, the more we shape a life that supports our well-being, filled with people who respect and care for us. That might take the form of saying “no” to sexual activity that we feel goes against our spiritual beliefs. It might mean politely telling your bosses that it’s not your job to fetch coffee for them. It may look like you firmly making your purse or handbag off limits to your children, and following up with consequences when this boundary is violated. It may be the realization that in your relationship, you are sick of being the one to do 90% of the work. It may mean telling your super extroverted friend that you cannot go out with them for the third night this week because you’re tired, you’re cranky, and your bank account is suffering! A wonderful thing happens when we sharpen up and reinforce our boundaries. It’s as though our identities come into clearer focus, and we feel more empowered and certain in who we are. We can look life straight in the eyes and say, “This is who I am and what I stand for.

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I don’t have to be any way I don’t want to. I’m valuable and there are right and wrong ways to treat me.” A boundary is an idea of self-worth put into practice. Working on better boundaries can be a slow process, but it’s a positive feedback loop. The more you affirm and value who you are as an individual, the stronger you’ll feel, and the more clarity you’ll have on exactly how you want to live your life. Because it is, after all, your life. An Important Definition It’s Christmas day and a little girl is told to kiss her grandmother on the cheek and wish her a Merry Christmas.

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The girl is shy and turns her face away, saying she doesn’t want to. The mother admonishes her: “Don’t be mean to granny! Go on, give her a kiss!” and pushes the child towards her grandmother. What lesson is learnt here? In this all-too-normal occurrence, we see the seeds of poor boundaries being sown. Every human being undergoes a period of socialization in life. We all need to learn to respect ourselves and others, to give and take, to talk and listen. But often, the balance isn’t quite right, and we can carry incredibly damaging beliefs about ourselves from childhood into adulthood.

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Many people will barely spend any time figuring out exactly what their boundaries are. They assume that each context or situation will tell them how to behave, or they simply default to the dominant cultural or relational messages they’ve adopted purely by habit. But how well do you really know yourself and what you need? Have you ever really taken the time to outline your own set of core personal beliefs, needs, individual perspectives, wants, limits, and values? Boundaries are not just for people leaving abusive relationships. They’re for everyone. They’re important because they help you say “no,” calmly and confidently. They let you live an empowered life that you feel in control of.

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They attract respectful, caring people into your world and allow you to have deeper, more mature connections with them. You’ll have more physical, emotional, and spiritual energy, you’ll speak up when wronged, and you’ll feel more valued and appreciated in life. You’ll understand your needs and therefore have a greater chance of fulfilling them. You’ll be emotionally balanced, self-aware, and have rock-solid self-esteem that gives you the courage to be exactly who you are to your fullest potential. Shouldn’t all of that put healthy personal boundaries at the top of your priorities list? Many people who were socialized as children to be “nice” have developed the idea that having boundaries and a sense of self-respect is “not nice;” that good people always say “yes” and never put themselves before others. Isn’t this crazy? Fortunately, choosing whether to set boundaries is not a choice between being a doormat or being selfish.

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These misconceptions speak to a fundamental misunderstanding of what boundaries are. Before we continue, let’s address some of these ideas now to dispel any myths and assure you that developing healthy boundaries will not transform you into a bad or selfish person! 1. Boundaries are not selfish It’s OK to value your own personal well-being and to protect yourself—you are valuable and deserve respect! You are not obligated to serve others in order to have worth—you have it already, and certainly do not lose any when you fail to bend to others’ demands, especially if those demands are unhealthy for you. Setting boundaries is an act of self-love, not of selfishness. Think of someone you love—wouldn’t you want them to behave in a way that respects their value? If your best friend comes to you saying that their significant other has been mistreating them in some way, what do you think you would advise them to do? Would you advise them to continue tolerating unacceptable behavior, or would you encourage them to communicate their feelings and try to ameliorate the situation? The answer is most likely the former, and we must apply the same principles in our own lives.

Speaker: 00:41:53

It is not uncommon to be accused of selfishness when you begin to take the way you’re treated seriously. You might be surprised by the people who choose to undermine this positive step in your life, but it is imperative that you stay firm on what you consider nonnegotiable. This will help you not only to build confidence and self-esteem, but also to attract other individuals who respect you for choosing to maintain healthy boundaries. 2. Boundaries are not about shutting down intimacy Boundaries related to intimacy tend to be either extremely rigid or overly lax, especially in romantic relationships. Some of us believe that our partners ”deserve” intimacy, even at our own expense. You might be worried that drawing a line in the sand means that people can’t be close anymore, that you are somehow being cold or aloof.

Speaker: 00:42:49

You needn’t worry—people with healthy boundaries have them because they are a prerequisite for healthy, mature relationships. They lead to better relationships, not worse ones. Would you rather have a relationship based on guilt, fear, obligation, and coercion, or one built around mature trust, respect, joy, and appreciation for one another? Having said that, it is easy to use boundaries to shut down intimacy. Say you’re someone who refuses to engage in any form of sex before marriage. Are you using boundaries to shut down intimacy? The truthful answer is that it depends. You might be in what can be called a ‘defended state,’ wherein you shut out any and all intimate interaction due to past trauma.

Speaker: 00:43:37

Or, you might be enforcing such a boundary due to religious or moral beliefs. It is easy to mistake a defended state for a genuine boundary. Regardless of why you refrain from intercourse, you are within your rights to do so if it brings you discomfort. Yet, the former is almost certainly psychologically unhealthy, as it closes you off from new experiences. In such cases, it is helpful to ask yourself why you choose to set up and defend a particular boundary. Are you genuinely uncomfortable with being intimate in certain ways, or are you trying to protect yourself from pain due to past experiences?

Speaker: 00:44:18

3. Boundaries won’t make you unlikable Here, we encounter more of the unfortunate social conditioning that women typically receive, even as little children. Everyone wants to be liked. But that sense of belonging and approval should never come at the cost of your well-being. Compromising your own values or hurting yourself in order to acquiesce to someone else’s needs doesn’t make you likeable—it makes you usable. In fact, a person who has boundaries is sending a powerful message to the world. That message is, “I have value, and I behave accordingly.” That is an attractive, healthy, and admirable quality.

Speaker: 00:45:01

And it’s also true! Most healthy people will be drawn to an attitude of mature, calm confidence. And the people who do dislike you for setting up a boundary? They are not the sort of people you want to impress. These are the kinds of people who will not see you as the valuable and unique human you are. They will only see you as a tool, as a means to get what they want. Do you really want to appeal to such a person?

Speaker: 00:45:28

4. Boundaries are not about who is right and who is wrong That said, a person with healthy boundaries needs never divide the world into sinners and saints. It makes little difference if there are narcissists or “energy vampires” out there. All that matters is that you know who you are, what you want, and what you will tolerate, and that you need never willingly be in a situation that doesn’t serve you. This attitude also removes any question of who is right and wrong. A boundary can never be wrong. This means that you don’t have to justify or defend or explain it to others—if it works for you, it works for you.

Speaker: 00:46:10

Don’t worry about doing it right. You don’t need to rigidly think of the world in black and white terms, or be pressured to adopt boundaries in a way that you don’t genuinely resonate with. If you’re ever unsure, come back to yourself—ask how you feel and what you value. Then, go from there. And remember, there’s no rule that says you can’t change your mind! Nothing is set in stone, so don’t take things super-seriously and beat yourself up if it takes some trial and error.

Speaker: 00:46:41

You are bound to make mistakes, especially at the beginning, as you go about enforcing your boundaries. As long as you’re respectful and polite but firm, allow yourself any unintentional errors. But where did this come from? When we first come into the world, we have no boundaries. But we come into a world full of other people and their boundaries. Think about what this means.

Speaker: 00:47:06

For the first nine months of life we are literally inside of another person, our mother, and for many years after that the boundaries of our ego and hers are loose and undefined. As we grow up and learn who we are as individual human beings, we gradually take on the work of setting up an identity with boundaries. Of deciding who we are and who we aren’t, what we do and what we don’t. In figuring out who we are, we simultaneously figure out how we want the world to treat us. It’s understandable, then, that poor boundaries stem from childhood, during that delicate stage where we are still learning about our value, our autonomy, and our right to draw a line around ourselves. You may take the stance that not everything must come from our childhoods, dismissing that as entirely too Freudian or psychological.

Speaker: 00:47:58

But if you’re struggling with a belief, conscious or subconscious, chances are it goes back to your youth and the influences of that time. It’s tempting to look at a rotten childhood and blame ourselves or others, concluding that nothing can be done. But as with all trauma, it’s not our fault that it happened, but it is our responsibility to do what we can to heal. As adults, we can seek to correct some of the faulty messages we received as children, and do better going forward. Children depend on their caregivers for survival. Poor boundaries often come from learning to do whatever it takes to survive, even if it’s compromising your own selfhood, autonomy, or dignity. You may have also grown up seeing others with poor boundaries, and simply never learnt what a healthy one looks like. You may even be guilty of failing to respect the boundaries of others.

Speaker: 00:48:52

Our parents teach us what is acceptable. What did you learn from them? Our parents also teach us how valuable we are—what messages did you internalize? Your parents may have sent you the unconscious message: “We will only love you when you behave exactly as we want you to,” or, “Your needs are not as important as mine or your sibling’s,” or even, “You don’t deserve to get your needs met, your job is only to meet the needs of others.” This kind of treatment is all too common because historically, most cultures have valorized self-sacrifice and martyrdom in the interest of the greater good. Those who had to parent their parents, those who felt extreme pressure to conform or perform, and those who were taught that self-sacrifice is good and speaking up is bad—they all might develop poor boundaries. As we saw in the example of the little girl and her grandmother, this isn’t always as sinister as it sounds. Sometimes, our culture’s broad messages confirm unhealthy boundaries. We praise the employee who works overtime and neglects their family, and judge the person who cancels plans because they’re tired. Some people have poor boundaries because of more serious trauma in early life.

Speaker: 00:50:08

A child whose worth and autonomy are protected in childhood will grow up feeling safe and secure in their own identity. But a child who hasn’t had their needs met, or who experienced any kind of abuse or neglect, has experienced the most fundamental boundary violation. Children who don’t have control over their own bodies, personal space, emotions, or behavior may understandably feel confused and worthless, maybe even learning that they don’t deserve to fight for or demand better treatment. Such a child may grow into an adult who doesn’t even believe that they have a right to themselves, to say “no,” to want what they want. This can easily lead to a host of mental health problems, substance abuse, poor relationships, and more. What is damaged is the personal sense of worth, individuality, dignity, and autonomy. It might not be clear to a person who has suffered abuse that they even have a problem—they don’t know what boundaries are, or how to set them.

Speaker: 00:51:12

Rather than identifying the source of their pain as external, they may blame themselves, feeling that they are worthless or that they deserve any bad treatment they receive or despair they feel. Again, this isn’t to say that experiencing abuse necessarily means you have poor boundaries, or that you can’t have poor boundaries unless you’ve experienced some horrible trauma in your early life. Because so many factors go into the shaping and maintenance of our identities, unhealthy boundaries are likely the result of many overlapping causes. Your immediate upbringing counts, but so does your culture and what it tells you about appropriate behavior, your life experiences, your previous relationships of all kinds, your unique personality, your worldview and how you envision yourself in the middle of that world, your values, your expectations, your age, your gender, and so on. An interesting thing to remember is that we are all connected to other people who themselves have their own boundaries (or boundary issues, as it were). When you consider the fact that each of us grows up in a home environment consisting of several different people, each with their own boundaries, and their own impact on us, we can see how complex of an issue this really is. A parent who routinely violates or negates our right to have boundaries may cause us to grow up with a correspondingly weaker, more permeable sense of self. Families are like ecosystems—because we are interdependent, our behavior and attitudes can’t help but affect others around us.

Speaker: 00:52:49

Though modern psychology always seems to suggest that individuals are the fundamental unit, the reality is that who we are is very much shaped by how others behave around us. If these people are our primary caregivers during our formative years, this is even more true. Within families, boundaries serve to separate individuals, but they also work to define ways in which people are linked together and the nature of their relationships. The definition is mutual and reciprocal—there is no child without a mother, no aggressor without a victim. Boundaries within families can also establish smaller walls around subgroups, or a big barrier separating “us” from “them.” Boundaries can decide who’s in or out, who’s one of us and who isn’t, who is good and who is bad. We’ve seen that overly rigid or overly permeable barriers can be problematic.

Speaker: 00:53:51

Boundary issues are often a family affair—something that affects everyone—and problematic boundaries often come in complementary, dysfunctional pairs. Overly intrusive boundaries can lead to enmeshment, and overly rigid ones can lead to neglect or a sense of emotional detachment. Some examples of the results of poor boundaries include: • Smothering children and giving them no privacy • Parents who overly sexualize their children, or make inappropriate demands of them, as in cases where the child and parent role are reversed • Parents who use their children as confidantes, informal therapists or emotional punching bags • Parents who involve their children in adult fights, or else make them messengers or bargaining chips in divorce proceedings • Parents or siblings who snoop, overshare or demand to be a part of other family members’ private lives The examples above are where boundaries are weak or too porous. People suffer from not being properly separated and defined apart from one another—they become enmeshed. On the other hand, boundaries that are too rigid result in a family that is distant and detached from one another. In one family, there may be both detachment and enmeshment at once; for example, parents may be very intrusive with their children and frequently violate emotional, mental, or social boundaries, but be relatively detached when it comes to physical boundaries, i.e.

Speaker: 00:55:25

rarely showing physical affection like hugging and allowing the children to have their own private rooms and possessions. It’s not too hard to see how this particular pattern of boundary dysfunction might shape the personalities and attitudes of the children growing up. Overly rigid boundaries may show up as: • Parents who withhold information and treat their children with coldness or aloofness • Parents who fail to provide a safe, loving, and stable environment or neglect their children • It may be an open secret that one of the parents is having an affair, resulting in the children feeling like the boundary around the family unit has been violated • Parents may make plans that don’t involve children or other members of the family, giving them no say about the plans at all • Family members may treat one another formally, as competitors or with neutral detachment, never asking for or offering help We can see that by understanding our family history and dynamics, we understand how unhealthy boundaries originate from the very beginning. The work of building healthy boundaries is the work of undoing old beliefs and starting again with new, healthier ones. By understanding not just yourself and how you function, but also how your personality connects to and is informed by a more complex family system, you can begin to make changes. But what if you truly don’t think that your family of origin played a significant role in the difficulties you experience with boundaries? Could it be that other factors have played a bigger role? Healthy boundaries can slowly be eroded with bad experiences or gradually morph into unhealthy ones, given our relationship history with others.

Speaker: 00:57:13

Abusive, coercive, controlling, or disrespectful work, platonic, or romantic relationships can cause enormous damage, wearing away our self-belief and sense of worth. Some people find that it takes time to recover from such painful dynamics, since they need to carefully “recalibrate,” remind themselves of their value again, and try to re-establish boundaries that will support their well-being. Finally, boundaries are not always black and white: we can have largely healthy boundaries that may still have a few weak points, or have moments where we occasionally need to “refresh” or tighten up boundaries as part of our routine self-care. It never hurts to bring more conscious awareness to how we hold our own boundaries. What’s more, it’s not work we do once and then never again, but rather something that continues throughout life. Crises or challenging experiences may force us to reconsider old beliefs, and changes in life circumstances may need us to try out a completely new set of boundaries.

Speaker: 00:58:21

Self Assessing As you can imagine, it’s a little tricky sometimes to know if you have poor boundaries or not. Many women, for example, remain in abusive and unhealthy relationships because they doubt their own assessment of the situation. Her partner (as a part of him violating her boundaries) will tell her that she is being unreasonable, that she is imagining things, that she deserves what she gets, or even that she is the one who is the boundary-violator. Similarly, a domineering family member or boss can use guilt tactics, shame, or fear to conceal the fact that they are repeatedly disregarding or trampling over boundaries. Most heartbreaking of all, when children have their boundaries broken, they may grow up sincerely believing they don’t have the right to ask for better; they expect that promises will never be kept, that people can’t be trusted, or that others have the right to decide what is appropriate for them. Many people have a mistaken idea of what a healthy boundary looks like—they may recognize that something isn’t right, but attempt to fix it with a boundary that is still unhealthy, only in a different way. A mother may decide that her kids treat her like a doormat and mistakenly think that the only way to regain control is to be harsh or uncaring to her children, or cut them out of her life completely.

Speaker: 00:59:44

A man might decide that he’s tired of being taken advantage of and hurt in dating, and retaliate by preemptively taking advantage of others. Many of us may think that a poor boundary can be corrected with aggression, coldness, ultra-independence or even a fearful victim mentality where the entire world is out to persecute us. But this will not fix the underlying problem. A good way to start working with boundaries is to bear in mind the fact that as mature adults, we are always responsible for setting up and enforcing our boundaries. We cannot force others to do what they don’t want to—including treat us well—but we can decide how we will behave if we encounter poor treatment. We cannot tell others what they should value or how they should behave, but we can affirm what we value and what we will do. In fact, it is both a right and a responsibility to have functioning boundaries.

Speaker: 01:00:43

Sometimes, it is tempting to retain a victim mindset that says that you are helpless about the bad things happening to you, that you can’t really change the circumstances that cause them. This allows us to blame others and engage is self-pity, but it is neither true nor healthy. We are in control of how others treat us, and the best way to change that is by setting an example and treating yourself well. Your feelings will help you find the middle road between boundaries that are too harsh or too loose. To check on the state of your boundaries, it is necessary only to listen to your intuition, and to respect and acknowledge what you hear. The following are some lesser-known signs that poor boundaries are an unacknowledged problem area for you.

Speaker: 01:01:30

See if you notice any of the following feelings or attitudes showing up in your own life: • You feel unsure of yourself and not much of an individual. When you ask yourself what you want, you often can only think of what others want. It feels like you never really get to be your unique self. • You feel numb and like you’ve given up. You often tell yourself that what you feel doesn’t matter, anyway, and it’s easier just to go along with others. • You feel like a complete victim or even a martyr—but you also wonder why being such a good person is never rewarded! • You feel invisible, like half a person or smaller, and less important than others. • Sometimes you feel cold and detached, never expecting anything good, perhaps in an attempt to protect yourself or downplay how much you hurt. • You feel on edge, watched, like you have no private business of your own, and that everyone is constantly involved in your life. • You feel strangled and smothered by other people and their desires, problems, opinions. • You sometimes find yourself revealing very personal information to a person you don’t really know that well. • You feel like you fall in love easily and act easily on sexual impulse. • You find it hard to tell when people are being inappropriate, or when you’re being lied to or taken advantage of. • You often feel like you should take whatever you’re given and be grateful, rather than take time to decide if it’s really what you want.

Speaker: 01:03:05

• You often feel like other people are in the driving seat and you are the passenger—you let others direct your life or describe and define it. You may even feel like others know you better than you know yourself and can anticipate your needs. • You expect others to fill your needs automatically or even fantasize that someone may swoop in to take care of you completely. • You feel like you could sometimes give indefinitely, with no limit, or that you would not stop others from continuously taking from you until nothing was left. • You have issues with low self-esteem; abuse of food, substances, or sex; or self-harming behaviors. • You’re often unsure what you think or feel about something until you can talk to others about it. Any time you feel coerced, pressured, intruded upon, smothered, or as though someone or something is coming in too close, it’s a good indication that a boundary has been violated. If you generally find that you have difficulty identifying your own wants, values, limitations, or goals, then you may have long-term problems with healthy boundaries.

Speaker: 01:04:17

The first step in setting better boundaries is to trust yourself to do it. It may take a little trial and error, and certain people in your life may not like it, but the more you practice, the clearer your own internal signals and intuition will become, and the easier it will be for you to say, “No. That’s not me and I don’t want that.” You might also want to consider seeking professional help. In the case of long-term problems, a therapist can help you navigate through the issues you’re facing in an efficient manner. This will save you much time and heartache as compared to attempting this alone, and we can all use some help with being mentally and emotionally healthier individuals. Summary • Personal boundaries are limits we place for ourselves and others in our interactions with others.

Speaker: 01:05:09

They define the kinds of behavior that we are both comfortable and not comfortable with. However, the process of setting up boundaries can go awry if we choose boundaries that are either too harsh or too permeable. For instance, rejecting intimacy altogether is a sign of the former, while being too afraid to speak up for yourself is an example of the latter. • Asserting your boundaries can be a frightening and scary prospect, especially for those of us who have never done so before. We may be afraid of conflict, or terrified at the possibility of being disliked by others who might not agree with our boundaries. Despite the initial reluctance, it is nevertheless crucial for us to express and communicate with others things that are not acceptable to us.

Speaker: 01:05:58

This helps us to develop a positive self-esteem and attract healthy relationships in our lives. • We tend to think that boundaries make us selfish, that we won’t be well-liked by others if we enforce them, or that it is somehow overly demanding of others. None of these are true. Learning how to create and maintain boundaries is an important skill that is useful for everyone. • There are many different reasons why so many of us have poor boundaries to begin with. One of the most common ones is suffering from childhood trauma, as this is where beliefs are formulated and solidified, for better or worse.

Speaker: 01:06:37

by Russell Newton. Copyright: 2020