How To Drop The People-Pleaser’s Worst Habit

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Coming to you from Atlanta. This is social skills coaching, where you can learn to be more likable, more. Charismatic and more productive. This is your host, Russell, and here's. Today'S task list based on events and celebrations and holidays. Today. Start off with practicing our yoyo, but be careful and wear your designer fashion eyewear today. Maybe later this morning we'll explore some caves and CARST and surely we'll encounter some pests on. Today we'll celebrate our higher education by.

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Taking some exercise in the garden. And perhaps later this evening we'll take in a drive in movie. All those based on today's events and celebrations. And finally, our lunch menu for today. Hope you like it, because the only. Thing on the menu is applesauce. Cake can't go wrong. Might be the best dessert ever. But don't forget the raisins.

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It kind of sucks without the raisins. Patrick King's book, Stand Up for Yourself, Set Boundaries and Stop Pleasing Others is in the spotlight today. In this episode, we'll find that if you're a people pleaser, you might be falling into this habit without even really realizing it. Let's recognize this habit and how to stop it. Today from Patrick King.“Sorry!" “You sure do say sorry a lot." “I know ... I’m sorry!" It’s a silly joke, but probably hits a little close to home for chronic people-pleasers. Over-apologizing (or having an "over-apologizing compulsion") can have a wide range of causes, but the most common is the need to please others.

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Here are a few examples: •You raise your hand in class to ask the teacher a question, but preface it with, “Sorry, but can I just ask ... ” •You apologize to the receptionist for calling to book an appointment. “Sorry to bother you, I know you’re busy, but ... ” (as if that’s not precisely what the receptionist’s job is!). •The person in front of you in the checkout line is taking a long time. You smile at the people behind you in the queue. “Sorry this is taking so long!" But why do people over-apologize? Over-apologizing comes from a complicated mix of low self-esteem, the desire to please others, awkwardness and discomfort, conflict avoidance, anxiety, and sometimes a big helping of perfectionism thrown in, too. Sometimes, over-apologizing is just a bad habit. You’ve probably noticed that it’s a kind of learned social behavior.

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For women especially, apologizing becomes a socialized way to signal submissiveness, compliance, cooperation, and even gratitude. We may be so used to apologizing that we do it on behalf of others, for things that haven’t actually happened, or for things that we’re not even in control of. We may apologize for nothing at all—for example, “Sorry, what’s your name?" The core beliefs informing the need to over-apologize are all the same ones we’ve already encountered in one form or another: I’m responsible for other people or other people’s emotions. It’s my job to meet people’s needs (hence I need to apologize if I don’t do what I “should”). It’s my job to smooth things over and manage social situations. Conflict is not permitted (even awkwardness or uncertainty is sometimes too much!). I’m a bad person, and I usually do things wrong—so I’d better apologize in advance for all the ways I’m about to disappoint everyone! Apologizing makes people think you’re polite, nice, and likeable.

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Saying sorry when you’ve done something wrong is admirable. But when you over-apologize, you actually dilute this sentiment instead of amplify it. You may appear to others as timid, weak, passive, and groveling. The irony is that you may elicit from people the very behavior that you’re most trying to avoid! Worse still, you’re at a loss for when you genuinely are remorseful and want to make amends—you have no words left since “sorry” is completely overused. Luckily, over-apologizing is a bad habit that is not too difficult to break—once you know you’re doing it. Here are a few tips. Tip 1: Just Keep Quiet Really. You can’t say sorry if you’re not talking!

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Pause before you apologize and double check—have you really done something wrong that you need to apologize for? If an apology is in order, it won’t matter if you wait a few moments to deliver it. If you feel yourself wanting to mutter those two little words, just become aware, bite your tongue, and say nothing instead. Notice, then, that the world usually tends to carry on as it was without your automatic contrition! Tip 2: Show Your Compassion And Kindness ... Just In A Different Way Maybe the knee-jerk reaction to apologize is really a compulsion to show someone that you care and are paying attention to their needs. Luckily, there are other, more effective ways of communicating this message. Every time you feel the urge to say “I’m sorry,” just pause instead and ask yourself what sentiment you’re really trying to express. Is it perhaps, “I realize how you must feel about XYZ,” or, “I’m here for you if you need me”? Sometimes, we show our concern for others most when we simply keep quiet and show our willingness to listen.

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If someone tells you their dog has just died, for example, resist the impulse to blurt out “I’m sorry!" Instead, ask how they’re handling it, check if they want to talk, or simply be quiet and let them express what they want to express. This will probably make them feel much better than a knee-jerk apology. Tip 3: Train A Different Automatic Response Sometimes, saying “I’m sorry” is just a verbal tic or something you say without thinking. People may be in the habit of using it to announce opinions—even those they are one hundred percent not sorry for. For example, “I’m sorry, but that’s just bad behavior." Here, the word sorry is merely used as a filler, albeit a pretty useless one. Instead, try to practice other habitual turns of phrase to replace sorry. “I’m sorry, what did you just say?” or even just, “Sorry?” could be, “Could you please repeat that?"

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“I’m sorry, but I can’t understand putting pineapple on pizza,” becomes, “I think pineapple on pizza is weird!" “Sorry!" (Said when people bump into one another or a minor accident happens) can be a simple “Oops!” or, “Excuse me,” and a smile. Tip 4: Change Apology Into Gratitude If a friend has come to visit and had to endure a traffic jam on the way over, instead of saying, “I’m so sorry that happened!” say, “Thank you so much for coming to visit. I’m sure that traffic jam wasn’t great ... ” Sometimes the instinct to blurt out an apology is really a misguided way to express our thankfulness for something someone has done for us. Make things simple by expressing that gratitude directly. Instead of saying on your next Zoom meeting, “Sorry my voice is all croaky; I’ve got a horrible cold,” say, “Thank you so much for agreeing to a Zoom call instead of having me come in today. It really helps!" Put yourself in the other person’s shoes and ask, what is more valuable, to have someone’s contrition and apology or to have their sincerely expressed gratitude?

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Tip 5: Speak Plainly “Softening” the way we speak or using “hedging” language is a way to present things in a gentler, less confronting way. This is a good skill to have when you’re being kind and diplomatic, but an over-apologizer tends to over-use soft, subservient, or uncertain language. “Sorry” becomes a big part of diluting everything you say. Are you the kind of person who prefaces any idea, suggestion, boundary, or claim with an apology? “I’m sorry, but can I just quickly say something? If it’s all right, I’d like to suggest XYZ, maybe. I don’t know. Do you think that could work? Sorry if that doesn’t make sense!"

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This kind of language is not unlike a timid dog rolling onto its back in a gesture of submissiveness! The irony is that this language can actually irritate people or invite them to dismiss or ignore what you say. It’s far better to speak plainly, directly, and with confidence. “I think we could do XYZ." Constantly apologizing every time you voice an opinion (or worse, every time you assert a perfectly reasonable boundary) communicates to others that you are meek, unsure, and generally undeserving of the thing you’re asking for. Tip 6: Reframe Your Idea Of Politeness Let’s be clear: people apologize for a reason. Saying “I’m sorry” at the right time promotes trust, shows others that you are interested in harmonious social engagement, and smooths over frictions and misunderstandings. Politeness does matter. However, ask yourself honestly if your apology is about being polite, or if it’s really about managing your own anxiety and discomfort levels.

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You’ll know that it’s more about your own anxiety if you insist on apologizing, even when it isn’t your fault and even when the other person doesn’t seem to need or want your apology. Try to think of politeness, manners, and etiquette in a different way: it isn’t something you do to put yourself at ease and lessen your own anxiety, but rather something you do to lessen the anxiety of others. To be perfectly honest—effusive, unnecessary, and over-the-top apologies are seldom for the benefit of people receiving them. If you want to be polite, learn to manage your own anxieties and take your cue from others. If you really do feel an apology is warranted, give one (just one!) sincere apology and then move on, even if you still feel guilty or awkward. Remember, your feelings are your own to manage—don’t put people in the position of feeling that it’s their job to forgive you. Tip 7: Imperfect Is Not Wrong Try to become mindful of what exactly you’re apologizing about. If you invite guests over for dinner, then feed them a bad meal that promptly causes everyone to get food poisoning, this requires an apology. But if you invite them and one of the nine courses you planned for the evening isn’t quite up to Michelin star standard, then you probably shouldn’t apologize!

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Give yourself permission to be imperfect. We never have to apologize for learning or being beginners. We shouldn’t have to apologize for being in process, or for not knowing something that was not humanly possible to know. Try to lower the standard. Ask yourself, is what I’ve done wrong? Or is it just imperfect because I’m a human being and not a flawless god? Don’t apologize for imperfect. Don’t apologize when you’ve genuinely done your best. Tip 8: Discern What Is In Your Zone Of Control For some people-pleasers, over-apologizing can be a symptom of accepting responsibility for things that are genuinely not under their control—especially the behavior of others.

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Have you ever apologized on someone else’s behalf? This may be a sign that you have codependent tendencies, which means that you tend to wrongly assume responsibility for another person’s life and wellbeing. It’s a wonderful thing to be tuned into the needs and emotional realities of other people, but it can go too far if you have begun to feel that it’s your job to apologize for the bad behavior of other people ... or simply for external events that are outside your control. If you apologize for a rude relative, for example, pause and really become curious about the core beliefs informing your need to do this. Why do you feel the need to accept culpability for their behavior as though it were your own? As you can see, there are a lot of different reasons for “sorry syndrome” to develop, so it’s worth understanding exactly why this behavior exists in your world. It may just be because you’re genuinely kind and care about others and want to be agreeable, or it may be because you lack self-esteem and faith in your own judgment. At the extreme end, chronic over-apologizing can even signal a kind of “sorry for existing” mentality, which points to deeper and more damaging core beliefs. If you dig deeply, you may find that this behavior has its roots in childhood, where an apology is a kind of coping mechanism designed to avoid conflict, win approval, or pre-empt judgment and absolve yourself of possible wrongdoing.

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Here, compulsive over-apologizing can stem from a deep sense of shame. If over-apologizing is a big challenge for you, ask yourself the following questions: When did you first learn to feel guilty for having needs or making honest mistakes? In the past, what kind of things might you have learned to apologize for? What are you really trying to say when you say, “I’m sorry”? How have you managed conflict in the past? What would you do differently if you believed that you are a worthy person who is just as important as everyone else. And that's this week's episode of Social Skills Coaching. Don't forget to join us next week for another episode and stay tuned. In just a few minutes, we'll have the takeaways and episode summary from today's episode.

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But first, let's spend a moment thinking about one holiday that we did not include in the intro. Today it is the 6 June, the celebration of D Day over 75 years ago, where the Allied forces invaded at Normandy Beach. I won't try to give you a history lesson, but if you are unfamiliar with DDay and what occurred then please take some time. Today, do some research on World War. II, DDay and the heroes who fought and died there. Additionally, in Korea, it's Memorial Day, which honors those fallen during the Korean War and other conflicts there. Here's today's summary from the episode people, pleasers often engage in this self sabotaging behavior over apologizing. This happens for many reasons. Most commonly low self esteem, the desire to please others, awkwardness and discomfort, conflict avoidance, anxiety, even your own perfectionism.

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To overcome over apologizing, try to practice simply staying silent almost always a good idea or expressing concern and compassion in different ways. You could also train out the sorry habit by expressing what you really mean to express. For example, gratitude. Don't apologize for being imperfect and reframe your idea of politeness so that it. Includes plain, honest, clear speech, which is always more truthful and assertive. And finally, don't apologize for things that are outside your control. And today we'll close out the episode. With our historical comings and goings. Those celebrating birthdays today include carol baskin, the queen of cat ladies niha kakar, who's known as the queen of pop music if you live in bollywood.

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nding Father Patrick Henry in: 1799

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And in the total of all those acts will be written the history of this generation.