Breaking The Illusory Bonds Of Codependency

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rm was originally used in the: 1950

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Today, the term applies to a broader range of behaviors where a person is reliant on another, whether that’s physically, emotionally, mentally, or even spiritually. It is a style of attachment and a pattern or dynamic that emerges between people and comes in many different forms in many different types of relationships. What they all have in common, though, is porous boundaries, a poor sense of self-identity, enmeshment, and a misplaced sense of responsibility. In a codependent arrangement, there are two people: •One is the giver, the other the taker. •One chases and pursues, the other avoids and resists. •One takes no responsibility for their actions, and the other agrees to take on that responsibility on their behalf. •One person needs the other, and that person, in turn, needs to be needed. •And frequently, one person plays the role of “problem,” while the other person runs around in a panic, trying to solve that problem, make excuses, rescue them, or please them. You’ll Know That Codependency Is Part Of Your Need To People-Please If: •You feel like you’re always walking on eggshells.

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•You’re often checking in with the person or asking permission. You’re always wondering what they’ll think and what the consequence of certain actions will be for you. •You’re constantly apologizing to or for that person. •You think of yourself as a savior, and love that person even though they hurt you. •You’d do anything to avoid conflict or upset. •Your people-pleasing or weak boundaries seem to be limited to this one person. •Leaving this person doesn’t feel like an option—because unconsciously you like that they need you. •You’re a shadow of your former self since you’ve known this person. •You’re constantly trying to figure out how to solve their problems for them.

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Caring about other people is normal. But in codependent dynamics, there is an imbalance that is destructive or flat-out abusive. Consider an example. Person A is battling late-stage cancer but is acting in a self-destructive way and neglecting to take care of themselves. Person B steps in and forms a romantic relationship with Person A, who promptly becomes abusive. Person A lashes out and treats Person B like less than garbage. Everyone looks on and wonders why on earth Person B doesn’t leave. Person B says, “How could I? It’s true love.

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Person A doesn’t mean it. They’re just sick and they’re scared; it’s not their fault." What is really happening is that Person A’s behavior is being supported and maintained by Person B’s excuses and justifications. Because Person B actually enjoys being needed and playing the rescuer, there is no real reason to end the relationship. Person A escalates and tries to push Person B away with more and more extreme behavior, and Person B digs in their heels, even more convinced that they need to be the rescuer. They are trapped in a loop, and one of the things keeping them in that loop is people-pleasing. “If I tolerate endless bad behavior and do everything you say and never have a single need of my own, then will I deserve your love?" Make Yourself Your New Rescue Project Codependency (if you’re in Person B’s shoes, especially) can be tough to handle because it’s difficult to be honest about your behavior and why it exists. You may say things like, “I’m just an extremely compassionate person,” or, “If I don’t help them, then who will?"

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But become aware of when you’re making excuses like this, and why. At the root of codependency is often the unacknowledged “need to be needed,” or, to frame it a different way, “I only have value if I make someone else happy." If you’re one hundred percent honest with yourself, are there some people in your life who you have chosen to be giving and kind to in an unconscious bid to win their affection? Sometimes, we can gravitate toward people who we feel are struggling, precisely because we sense that they may need us more than others and therefore will be more indebted to us once we care for them. These are difficult things to admit, especially because it weakens our idea of ourselves as a kind, even saintly person who is merely doing the right thing. However, at some point, if you’ve played martyr long enough, you may be forced to acknowledge that your care, generosity, and kindness are not good for the other person, and they are not good for you. Then you can reorient your thinking: make yourself your priority and commit to taking full responsibility for yourself rather than for someone else. See your own self-esteem as the grandest project worth throwing yourself into. Save yourself!

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Here are a few baby steps to try to do just that: Regularly Do The “separation Of Tasks” Exercise. What is your responsibility, and what is theirs? The classic co-dependent story is about a dutiful 50s husband who goes binge drinking and comes home in a destructive rage. His wife is terrified but quickly gets out of his way, knowing that to challenge him would result in an even bigger catastrophe. In the morning, the husband wakes up to find that everything he smashed has been quietly cleaned away, and breakfast is ready on the table, with his wife smiling sweetly at him. As she watches him eat gratefully, she thinks, “What would he do without me? I’m probably the best wife in the world." For the husband, the problem of alcoholism is cleared away like the broken dishes, and he doesn’t have to think about it. There are no consequences to drinking that his wife won’t clean up.

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lucky to have you!" In a less: 1950

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Try to untangle your self-concept from their opinions, especially their opinions of you. For example, if your partner can’t come with you to dance class, that doesn’t mean you never get to enjoy a dance class. Simply go alone or with someone else. It can take time to re-learn who you are and what you like outside of the other person, but you can figure it out one activity and choice at a time. Become Curious Where Your Bad Feelings Come From. The next time you feel rushed, anxious, or guilty, ask yourself, “Where does this feeling actually come from?" Sometimes, when our boundaries are weak, we end up taking on the emotional energy of other people and mistakenly thinking it’s ours. We unconsciously take on the role of “emotion metabolizer” for other people. When you notice yourself feeling bad in any way, stop and become aware of when that feeling started, and why.

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Have you taken on an emotion that’s not really yours to take on? For example, your teenage child is going away on a school trip but has left packing to the last minute. You’ve nagged and nagged and tried to help, knowing that if things go wrong, they’ll come running to you to fix it. You notice as the departure date gets closer that you are getting more and more anxious—the packing isn’t done, and soon it will be too late. But then you pause and realize that this is not your problem to solve. You see that your child is not anxious, yet you are! You can let it go, knowing that getting caught out with a badly packed bag is a lesson that they have to learn, and you can’t learn it for them. You can choose to relax and let your child incur the consequences for their own behavior. Stop Making Excuses.

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People in codependent dynamics sometimes think of themselves as helpless victims. But they aren’t! A codependent dynamic only continues with the consent of both parties. It can be challenging, but become conscious of when you’re making excuses for the other person, or for the state of your toxic relationship. Notice all the things you say to yourself to explain away bad treatment, or why you cannot choose something better. Hidden in these excuses is your own consent. For example, you might tell yourself and others that your terrible girlfriend is just free-spirited, and that she’s really your soul mate and you’ve been sent to the earth specifically to teach her about the meaning of love (sounds corny, but how many people secretly think that their status as martyrs is somehow pre-ordained by the gods?). When she treats you badly, realize that you excusing her behavior is nothing more than you saying, “I’m okay with this. I consent to this."

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If you can be honest, you will soon see that there is no reason at all to forego your boundaries, to put your needs a distant second, or to accept an unhealthy relationship. If you can see your justifications for what they are (your consent in disguise), then you understand that the only thing keeping you in a bad situation is ... you. Use A Journal to discover the roots of your behavior. Ask yourself the following questions, and be as honest as you can in your responses: •How healthy are your boundaries, and do you need to set better ones? •Is there an area in your life where you give endlessly and yet never get anything in return? •Are there any relationships in which you have taken on a martyr role? •In what ways can you relinquish control right now and let other people make their own decisions? •Can you identify some people who you are unconsciously trying to impress? •Are there any unrealistic expectations driving your behavior?

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Are you being a perfectionist? •Who can you ask for help and support? •What does it feel like to trust your own thoughts and feelings right now? What are your own thoughts and feelings? •Are you really helping the other person by taking responsibility for them? Or are you just enabling them? Working through your own thoughts in a journal will help dial down the intensity of other people’s needs and reconnect you to your own. In fact, journaling for better self-knowledge is the theme of our next chapter. Thanks for joining me for this episode of Social Skills Coaching.

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Remember that you can join our authors email list at pee kay consulting dot com for more tips and tricks on how to become more likable, more charasmatic, and more productive. A few birthdays of note for today. Adam Calhoun, Bob Newhart, Freddie Mercury, Gloria Estafan, and Actress and singer Zendaya, who is quoted as saying. "Never try to be someone elses definition of beautiful. You have to define beautiful for yourself."