3 Types of Validation: How to Understand and Respond

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I'm Russell, and this is Social Skills Coaching, where you learn to be more likable, more charismatic, and more productive. Today is Tuesday, June 20, and based on today's holidays, here's your schedule for today. To begin with, we're going to find the Ugliest dog. We can find a geek friend named Jimmy, and we're going to take them on a hike and watch for an American eagle or a bald eagle. And if we're on the East Coast, we're going to take that hike in West Virginia because all those things are celebrated today. After that hike, we're going to need a nourishing lunch, so we're going to start off with an ice cream soda, and we'll top it off with a vanilla milkshake. Today, from Patrick King's book Communication Skills Training, we're going to look at three types of validation and some specific steps and tips for effective and responsive listening. Thanks for joining us today.

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Broadly speaking, there are three types of validation: 1. Emotional 2. Behavioral 3. Cognitive The type we offer will depend on the circumstances, the person in front of us and the overall purpose of the conversation. In some contexts, one type will be most appropriate, and in others, you might find that a blend of all three is needed. 1. Emotional Validation Simply, this is to validate emotions without intensifying them. We do this by centering and focusing on the other person's feelings without judgment, interpretation, or analysis. Something to bear in mind is that emotions can be layered, and they are dynamic, which means they move and change over time. As you develop your own emotional awareness, you may start to notice the difference between primary and secondary emotions. For example, someone may appear to be consumed with rage, but this is really a secondary emotion; underneath the rage is intense sadness and upset, the primary emotion. We can understand secondary emotions to be our feelings about our feelings.

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So, someone may experience a devastating loss and sink into feelings of sadness. But if they feel that this sadness is too threatening to experience fully, and they don’t accept that emotion as legitimate (i.e., they invalidate themselves!), then they may respond to their own sadness with rage. If you are astute, you can see the rage and validate it but also see beyond it and validate the hidden primary emotion. As you can imagine, when you are able to compassionately validate something in someone else that they themselves are still struggling to accept, you create powerful feelings of trust and connection and make an opportunity for that emotion to be transformed and released. In this example, helping someone acknowledge the deeper hurt they really feel—and come to terms with that—will help dissolve their rage. Again, we see how emotional awareness is all about our ability to harness and manage emotions once we’ve become aware of them. 2. Behavioral Validation This is when we communicate that another person's actions are understood regardless of whether or not they are beneficial or something that we ourselves would have done. Indirectly, this also creates a feeling of emotional validation, but it’s a form of support and empathy that may be more appropriate for the workplace.

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For example, “It makes sense that you would shut yourself away and hermit for a while after what happened,” or, “I can totally see why you did that." Simply restating the facts of a situation without adding any of your own analysis or interpretation can actually be a kind of behavioral validation too. It’s like you’re saying, “Yup, this happened. It is what it is,” without trying to turn that action into something. Behavioral validation can be a good tool to use when someone has actually made a mistake. You validate them not to say that what they did was right, but that you can recognize how they made the decision to act that way regardless. Behavioral validation can express that you respect and understand why someone chose to act as they did, even if the outcome isn’t what you or they wanted. So, for example, when giving critical feedback: “I can see why you chose to resolve the complaint in the way you did (validating the behavior), and it made sense to do it that way.

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I can also tell that this has been very upsetting for you (emotional validation). However, seeing how things have escalated, it’s clear we need to try a different approach going forward (the crux of the feedback). 3. Cognitive Validation Cognitive validation occurs when one acknowledges and names the underlying assumptions and ideas held by another person and then helps that person articulate those thoughts so they can validate them themselves. This is a little different from the previous two and is most commonly used in certain forms of counseling and therapy. We can use the overall principle in everyday life whenever we validate somebody’s thought processes. Often, people will actively seek cognitive validation when they’ve come to a conclusion and want to know that they’re not crazy for doing so. They want others to reflect back that they have correctly appraised a situation and that their thoughts are rational and make sense. For example, the same friend mentioned earlier might come to you and share that they are struggling with the decision to accept their recent job offer or turn it down: “I think I need to turn it down because on second thought, I just know it’s not right for me ... ” They may talk at length about their reasons—i.e., their thoughts, evaluations, and interpretations of the situation—and in doing so, they are seeking confirmation that this cognitive process is sound.

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Again, this is tricky—you are not required to say what you would do in the situation, nor give your advice according to your own values. Let’s say they explain how although the pay is better, the commute is longer, and overall, they would be making less. They’ve decided, mentally, that the new job is not worth it, and you can validate this by saying, “Hm, yeah, I can see that. You’ve weighed it all up, and it seems like you’re coming to the same conclusion each time." Notice here that it’s not the content of the thought processes that are being validated or not—but the processes themselves. Since obviously this can get tricky, you might find that it’s really helpful simply to say, “I can tell that you’ve given this a lot of thought,” and actively inquire about the values, principles, and worldview that would help that person feel more confident in their assessment and the decision they’ll make. You might ask, “Do you think you ultimately value more money or more free time at this point in your career?” and this could help them explore and validate their own cognitive process without you ever having to share your own opinion on the matter. Naturally, these three types of validation can blend into one another and be offered all at once.

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For example, “Wow, I can see how stressed this has made you! (Emotional validation.) It’s no wonder you’ve asked for a few days off. (Behavioral validation.) It makes sense that you took a breather before you got completely burnt out. (Cognitive validation.)” Acceptance and the Six Levels of Listening Now that we’ve learned a little about validation and the importance of emotional intelligence, we can move on to what is arguably the communication skill—listening. Listening is not passive. When we listen, we are not simply being quiet and “allowing” the other person to talk.

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Rather, good listening is an attitude we take to information that is shared with us. It’s the ability to be open and receptive, to accept what we’re told, but also to process and really engage with that information so that we can also return it to the speaker if appropriate. The skill of listening is a little like the skill of driving; everyone thinks they’re better than average at it even though this is a statistical improbability! In Listening to Conflict, author Eric Van Slyke outlines six listening levels. The reason he breaks it down is that not every situation requires your full-blown attention and devotion, but on the other hand, sometimes “good” listening can be “great” listening if it’s only dialed up a notch. Let’s take a look at the levels with an example to illustrate. Level 1: Passive listening This is barely what most people would consider listening at all. The “listener” is sort of vaguely aware that the speaker is talking, and they are quiet, but there is very little entering into the listener’s conscious awareness.

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You’ve probably experienced this yourself—if you suddenly ask the listener what they think, they might reply, “Huh? About what?" Level 2: Responsive listening The next level up is where we do some passive listening but also give occasional verbal and nonverbal cues that we are in fact paying attention. Our comprehension is still limited, though, because we are mostly just giving the impression of listening by saying things like “uh huh” when we think we should. Level 3: Selective listening At this level, we are actually starting to pay attention, but it’s not complete attention to the entirety of the message. We may pick out words that appeal specifically to us—for example, our own names or some topic in which we are personally interested—and kind of ignore the rest. Level 4: Attentive listening One up from selective listening is attentive listening, where we might start to show signs of engaging with material being shared with us. We might ask questions or try to clarify details because we’re actively processing the message.

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Now, the reasons we are doing this could be extremely varied. We might be paying attention purely because we are nosy, or because we’re trying to extract some juicy gossip! Whatever it is, we’re not exclusively trying to listen for the other person’s benefit, but because we would like to know what they know. Level 5: Active listening At this level, we begin to care about listening for emotional content. We are not just hearing the factual details of the message being shared, but we’re gaining a deeper comprehension of what those details mean, particular to the speaker, and how they fit into the bigger picture. At this level, we are giving more consistent nonverbal feedback and asking questions that show we’re really engaging with the story, often being able to process and add information before passing it back. Level 6: Empathic listening At this level, things go even deeper still, and we begin not only to see the emotional content from our perspective but the emotional content as it is seen by the other person. This is the root of empathy and real compassion.

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We are able to suspend our own view on things and see through the eyes of the listener. Crucially, we do this without judgment. When we are empathic, we are deeply connected to another person and their experience and may often feel moved enough to help them in some way. If communication reaches this level, healing transformations, deep understandings, and feelings of love and belonging are possible. So, what level is “best”? Well, the answer to that is the one that the other person most needs from you in any given context. Attentive and active listening are both great levels to aim for in everyday interpersonal connections, whereas we can strive for more empathetic listening for those closest to us or situations where the other person is reaching out in distress or needs our full attention, empathy, and witness. To be a good listener, try to remember H-U-R: •Hearing the Message •Understanding the message •Responding to the message Hearing the Message It sounds obvious, but the first step is to really, truly want to listen and to hear the other person.

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That’s not the same as feeling an ego boost at the idea of yourself as a good listener—it means actually being a good listener! Every human being is fascinating if you will only listen. Be curious and ask questions—not with the intention to appraise or argue or compare or judge, but just to learn. As we’ve already seen, removing psychological barriers and working on emotional intelligence will mean you are more present in the conversation and therefore able to receive what is being shared with you. Listen with the intent to understand only—which means forgetting for a moment that you are going to speak when they are done. Don’t look at your phone and don’t let your gaze get caught by people passing or events just outside the frame. For this moment, the other person is your world. What do you want to know?

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Bearing in mind what you know about body language and nonverbal communication, listen with your own body. Any time two people get together to communicate, their bodies encounter one another—what is their body saying to yours? If you have had some practice becoming aware of, harnessing, and managing your own emotions, you can bring that attitude to the conversation. Be neutral, be patient, and be conscious. Keep asking yourself about the emotional content being shared, and accept it without judgment or interpretation. When we let go of the need to rush, pass judgment, or quickly grasp for a solution (i.e., our need for control), then we can do something far more interesting: fully immerse in the perspective of the other person. To listen well, you never have to be a mind reader. You don’t have to turn into some near-psychic counselor figure who intuits what’s going on.

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Instead, if you don’t quite understand, ask! This neatly leads us to ... Understand the Message You may have noticed that people don’t always say what they mean, or mean what they say. The person you’re talking to may be exquisitely self-aware, or they may be confused and present you a jumbled, almost incoherent message. As a dedicated and self-aware listener, you have a few jobs: 1. Seek clarification if you don’t understand something 2. Confirm that you have actually understood by paraphrasing or reflecting 3. Make sure you have correctly heard the emotional content of the message For example, consider this short exchange: A: I was so shocked, I think I nearly died! B: Died? Wait, do you mean die because you were really unhappy with what happened ... ? A: Oh no, I mean that I was so thrilled and happy it nearly bowled me over, you know?

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B: Oh, totally, I get it. You were excited! You were knocked right off your feet, huh? A: Uh huh, and I just did not know what to do with myself, let me tell you ... In the above, Person B doesn’t make any assumptions and quickly clarifies with a neutral and non-judgmental question. Then, they confirm their understanding of the emotional content by immediately labeling the emotion they observe (excitement) and further reflecting that understanding by using another metaphor that’s somewhat in line with the one used by Person A, i.e., being bowled over, being knocked off your feet. You never need to worry about asking people clarifying questions—these will usually only show that you’re paying attention and that you care about getting the details right. Far better to ask early on so that later in the conversation, you don’t come across as having not paid attention or completely got the wrong end of the stick.

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Use phrases like: “Can I just ask ... ” “It seems like XYZ ... Have I got that right?" “Have I understood?" “Can you help me understand XYZ ... ?" Respond to the Message There are three basic ways to respond to what you’ve been told: paraphrase, reflect, and summarize (it’s possible to do all three at once!). When you paraphrase, you repeat the message you’ve heard but in your own words to show that the message has reached you and that you comprehend the gist of it. Even making small encouraging sounds like “uh huh” and “oh?” as you listen will act. Reflecting is similar, but we may mirror the emotional content too. Summarizing is about taking what we’ve heard, listening for the essence, and returning this condensed essence back to the speaker.

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Don’t underestimate the power of summarizing—it may not seem like a valuable thing to do, but it will instantly communicate that you’ve heard, you’ve understood, and you’ve even been able to process it all. For some people, simply hearing a condensed version of their current situation reflected to them is validation enough and can lead to mental shifts that help with problem-solving and breakthroughs in creativity. But responding is not limited to what you do in that immediate moment. It is even more powerful if you can absorb the message, process it, and return with a considered response long after the end of that conversation. If you can refer to a previous conversation and tie in what you heard then with what you’re hearing now, the other person will likely feel deeply acknowledged and heard. This will foster valuable feelings of trust and familiarity over time. If you can consistently hear, understand, and respond to the messages people share with you, the foundations for good listening are in place—and that applies whether you are listening at level 3 or at level 6. Take a look at the following conversation and see how the skills of reflecting, summarizing, paraphrasing, validating, asking questions, pausing occasionally, and naming emotions help the speaker feel heard and understood. This is a conversation held at level 6 between close friends, but the same principles apply with any conversation.

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A: This breakup could not have come at a worse time, and to be honest, I just feel like everything in my world is crumbling (hunched over, tense body language, and voice low and quivering). B: Wow (leaning in and matching body language and voice, pausing). A: What am I going to do? We’ve just signed a lease together. It’s a nightmare. B: I’m so sorry (pausing again as though to invite the other person to speak more). A: Ugh, I’m such a mess right now. I’ve been up crying all night.

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It’s so embarrassing! B: No, not embarrassing at all! It makes perfect sense you’d feel that way (acceptance and emotional validation). A: I guess I just feel so stupid because this really felt like the one, you know? I realize we weren’t together all that long ... ” B: No? Can you just remind me how long you were together for? (Clarification question). A: It was about a year and a half, two years.

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The funny thing is, I’m surprised at how relieved I am, in a way. B: Relieved? (Simply repeating the key emotional word here to reflect and mirror). A: Yeah. I don’t know, it doesn’t even make sense to me, but I’m glad he’s gone and also completely devastated he’s gone, you know? B: It’s like it’s something you wanted ... but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt (summarizing and paraphrasing). A: Exactly. But then at some moments, like last night, I get second thoughts and I start doubting myself, I don’t know.

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I just don’t know what I think. B: Oh man. It sounds like this is a pretty confusing time for you right now (naming the emotion). A: Exactly! Now take a look at the very same conversation again and see if you can identify where Person B has failed to listen properly. A: This breakup could not have come at a worse time, and to be honest, I just feel like everything in my world is crumbling (hunched over, tense body language, and voice low and quivering). B: Oh my God, men! (Voice raised, tone irritated, and body language expansive and energetic).

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A: Yeah. Plus, we signed a lease together just the other day, so it really feels like such a nightmare. B: Wait, what? You signed a lease together? Oh boy ... A: I know! I now feel like such an idiot. Last night, all I could think about was— B: You need to get out of that lease, whatever you do.

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Can you chat with the landlord or something? There’s got to be a way. A: Well, uh, I guess. I haven’t thought of that yet. B: The exact same thing happened to me years ago. I sorted it out with the landlord, and he understood. Easy peasy. But you have to get it fixed now.

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A: Yeah. You’re right. Uh, thanks. B: Sure, no problem. No point getting angry, right? Just do what you need to do (laughing). In this conversation, B begins by failing to be aware of or match A’s nonverbal communication or body language, and then responds immediately with judgment. When A starts to speak again, B interrupts with forceful advice that brings the conversation to a screeching halt—and leaves A feeling exposed and vulnerable since the response is practical and pragmatic and doesn’t acknowledge the emotional content at all.

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Finally, B mentions themselves and their own experiences and casually dismisses A’s perspective (almost as though to say, “I didn’t find this a problem personally, so you shouldn’t either!”). The cherry on top is when B incorrectly labels the emotion they guess A to be experiencing (anger), which likely leaves A feeling completely unheard and unsupported. Person B may sincerely believe that they’ve been helpful and positive, but the effect is the opposite—Person A may feel even worse than they did to start. That wraps up the excerpt from Patrick King's book communication Skills Training. Let's have a brief review of the episode. Takeaways validation is the process of genuinely hearing, seeing and witnessing another person's reality and allowing it to be what it is. It's crucial in good communication. Validation is not agreement or reinforcement, but recognize emotions for what they are.

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It can be emotional, behavioral or cognitive or all three. Good listening is the ability to be open and receptive, to accept what we're told, but also to process and really engage with that information so that we can also return it to the speaker, if that's appropriate. And there are six increasing levels of listening passive, responsive, selective, attentive, active and empathic. Remember your role as a listener with the Hur acronym. Hear the message, understand it, and respond. We can respond and show our understanding by paraphrasing, reflecting and summarizing. Thanks for joining us today. We'll end this episode with our existential comings and goings for this June 20 birthday is today.

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udio. Lionel Ritchie from the: 1980

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bugsy Siegel was murdered in: 1947