Unleash Your Inner Charisma! | Fox Cabane's Types & Howard Friedman's Secrets
MASSIVE CHARISMA: Small Talk, Charm, Likability, and How to Succeed With People (How to be More Likable and Charismatic Book 31) By: Patrick King
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https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0C7Q9FBM8
Develop your own personal gravity with concrete skills to stand out, be noticed, and captivate people.
If you (1) walk into a room and feel invisible, or (2) want to ensure you make a powerful personal impact – NEWSFLASH: you need better advice than “fake it ‘til you make it” or “just be yourself.”
Confidently approach and excel in any social setting.
MASSIVE CHARISMA is a book that just might fundamentally change how you interact with others. Never before have you looked behind the curtain of so-called charismatic people and the subtle ways they act and think differently. You get the “how to” along with the “why” and a multitude of illustrative examples.
We are always told that our interpersonal skills are the key to what we want in life, and it’s true. Let the actionable tips, questions, approaches, and replicable techniques in this book be your guide to growing your sense of personal magnetism and charm.
Advice from an internationally-known, professional charisma coach.
Patrick King is an internationally bestselling author and teaches charisma and social skills for a living. He’s also a late bloomer and former social recluse – he made the transformation, knows exactly what it takes, and can relate to you every step of the way – advice from someone who simply gets it.
He has been featured in: GQ Magazine, Tedx, Forbes, Men’s Fitness, and the Huffington Post.
The highly focused advice will teach you what matters in an interaction, from beginning to end, subtle to obvious, small to big.
•How to wield your attention and focus for maximum impact.
•How choosing and being a role model help your charisma quotient.
•The subconscious body language signals that matter.
•How to exude true empathy and warmth.
Solve: small talk, interviews, networking events, and strangers.
•How to demonstrate your value, confidence, and powerful presence.
•How to tailor your communication and speak to individuals.
•How to listen and validate effectively.
•The top charisma mistakes people unknowingly commit.
Charisma is the one skill that opens all the doors you want in life, and the benefits are endless.
#AffectiveCommunicationTest #BreatheAnchor #BuddhistZen #Cabane #CharismaMyth #FoxCabane #FredMcFeelyRogers #Friedman #FromCabanes #GretaThunberg #HowardFriedman #OliviaFoxCabane #SimsWyeth #SocialPsychology #RussellNewton #NewtonMG #PatrickKing #PatrickKingConsulting #SocialSkillsCoaching #MASSIVECHARISMA
Transcript
Massive Charisma, small talk, charm, likability, and how to succeed with people, written by
Speaker:Patrick King, narrated by Russell Newton.
Speaker:We've fleshed out a usable definition of charisma, and broken it down into its parts,
Speaker:and hopefully you've been able to zoom in on all those parts of charisma that you're
Speaker:already getting right, and those that need a little more work.
Speaker:This leads us to the obvious next question, how do we get better?
Speaker:First things first, your charisma won't look like anyone else's charisma.
Speaker:This makes sense.
Speaker:Think of any famous charismatic people from history, and they're all different from one
Speaker:another.
Speaker:Marilyn Monroe, Stalin, and Steve Jobs were all enigmatic characters, but in very different
Speaker:ways.
Speaker:This is precisely what Olivia Fox Cabane, author of the Charisma Myth, found, i.e. that
Speaker:there are different types of charisma.
Speaker:Just as you can imagine that Marilyn Monroe would make a pretty poor Stalin, and that Steve
Speaker:Jobs would fail hard to charm people in the way that Marilyn Monroe charmed them, you
Speaker:will be most charismatic when you are leaning into your charisma style, rather than trying
Speaker:to ape someone else's.
Speaker:Cabane listed four general categories, but even within these groups it's easy to see
Speaker:the endless possible variations.
Speaker:Recall that charisma is made up of two factors, power and affability.
Speaker:Depending on the relative proportions of these two, you get slightly different expressions
Speaker:of charisma.
Speaker:The Focused Charismatic
Speaker:This is a state of high presence, which is a kind of high power, paired with moderate
Speaker:affability, which makes sense because the focus is on the other person.
Speaker:This is someone who places deep, undivided attention on others, and makes them feel like
Speaker:the most important person in the room.
Speaker:Talkshow hosts, it's Oprah Winfrey again, build their brands on this kind of charisma,
Speaker:as do motivational speakers, and cult leaders.
Speaker:You'll know this is your preferred charisma style if you're often told you're a good listener.
Speaker:Focus Charismatics are people that know that the best way to shine is to show off others
Speaker:to their best.
Speaker:If you often find yourself in the guru role of guiding people to be the best they can be,
Speaker:this may be your strong area.
Speaker:A Focused Charismatic can ooze charm and class in a totally subtle and often invisible way.
Speaker:Think about a religious leader, a persuasive healer or therapist type, or a gentle but
Speaker:powerful moral character who gets their way by prompting others to agree with them of
Speaker:their own will.
Speaker:The Visionary Charismatic
Speaker:A Visionary Charismatic is more affable than the Focused Charismatic but a little less
Speaker:powerful.
Speaker:A Visionary can paradoxically get more done and be more impactful because they seem a
Speaker:little more like one of us and not the lofty personages that nobody could ever imitate.
Speaker:This tends to make them a little more likable too, whereas the Focused Charismatic might
Speaker:be the awe-inspiring ideological leader in a company, the Visionary is the one who bridges
Speaker:the gap between this awe and more ordinary life.
Speaker:They turn the dream into reality by communicating a vision not yet accomplished.
Speaker:Recall Rigio's theory about emotional and social expressiveness.
Speaker:We are drawn to those who can move us to see their inspiring vision of the future, especially
Speaker:if they have the enthusiasm and energy to campaign for that vision.
Speaker:Think about Steve Jobs building a following devoted to his vision of the future, or Martin
Speaker:Luther King Jr.'s rousing speeches.
Speaker:Innovators and creative people can excel at Visionary Charisma too, since they need to
Speaker:convince others to buy into a vision that only they can see.
Speaker:If you've ever managed to get people rallied together on a passion project, and if your
Speaker:visions seem infectious, you might have this type of Charisma.
Speaker:The Kind Charisma.
Speaker:This is the combination of high affability but the lowest power of all the Charismatic
Speaker:types.
Speaker:Emotional connection is powerful stuff.
Speaker:Think of Buddhist Zen master Thich Nhat Hanh and how profoundly he influences people without
Speaker:any conventional trappings of wealth and power.
Speaker:He does so purely on an emotional and spiritual level with genuine warmth and compassion.
Speaker:Fred McFeely Rogers, affectionately Mr. Rogers from the children's TV show Mr. Rogers Neighborhood,
Speaker:was a much loved media icon who inspired countless people with simple wholesome messages.
Speaker:He was not just a cheerful and reassuring part of millions of people's childhoods.
Speaker:He became a role model and ideological icon spreading lessons of civility, tolerance,
Speaker:and belief in your own self-worth.
Speaker:If you're a person who can drastically elevate situations with kindness, mercy, empathy,
Speaker:and benevolence, this form of Charisma may be your strongest note, however, that the
Speaker:relatively low power here does not mean no power.
Speaker:No Charismatic will do without at least average or a little higher than average power, it's
Speaker:just that the focus is on affability and their power is filtered through this kindness.
Speaker:The authoritative Charismatic Finally a more classic picture of a Charismatic
Speaker:leader, like Stalin or Hitler, people with this style of influence use power and status
Speaker:to position themselves as authorities, experts, or leaders.
Speaker:This combination is low affability and high power.
Speaker:You might argue that if affability is low enough, then you're not dealing with a Charismatic
Speaker:person at all, but a dominating bully or despot.
Speaker:Such people seem to naturally command control and effortlessly lead others.
Speaker:Do you frequently find that other people defer to your judgment or put you in charge of important
Speaker:tasks?
Speaker:Do you find that even those people who don't actually like you very much still tend to
Speaker:respect and follow you regardless?
Speaker:You might be better at exuding this kind of Charisma than the other types.
Speaker:As you can see from the four types, there is usually a trade-off between power and affability.
Speaker:Though you would ideally want the highest possible power and the highest possible affability
Speaker:in reality, it's usually the case that as one increases, the other decreases.
Speaker:Note again, though, that Charismatic people are never low in either power or affability.
Speaker:Furthermore, this isn't to say that these are the only types.
Speaker:If you think of famous Charismatics from history, you'll find many that don't fit the mold.
Speaker:In fact, their uniqueness itself is a source of both power and affability.
Speaker:Some may inspire and lead people because of their bravery and strength.
Speaker:Sporting heroes, those who beat the odds after disease or injury.
Speaker:Some may captivate and enthrall people with immense beauty, grace, or sex appeal.
Speaker:The Starlets from Hollywood's Golden Era.
Speaker:Others may capture people's admiration through humor, creativity, and originality.
Speaker:Robin Williams' comic genius could hit on an emotional level.
Speaker:And others may garner attention because they're moral or even spiritual crusaders.
Speaker:Think of how Greta Thunberg commanded a room with her righteous indignation about climate
Speaker:change.
Speaker:What about you?
Speaker:You may not yet feel confident in your own Charismatic abilities, but you're probably
Speaker:beginning to get a sense for the style of that potential charisma, according to your
Speaker:own personality, values, and experiences.
Speaker:Think carefully about your interests and passions, your talents.
Speaker:Are you a good communicator, energetic, determined?
Speaker:And what people tend to respond to instinctively when you're around.
Speaker:The lesson here is that you shouldn't worry too much if you don't quite see yourself in
Speaker:the conventional descriptions of Charismatic leader.
Speaker:You can be an engaging, fascinating person with a massive presence in a room in a way
Speaker:that's all your own.
Speaker:Fox Cabain's Approach Olivia Fox Cabain's Model of Charisma is pretty
Speaker:simple.
Speaker:She suggests that there are actually three main components.
Speaker:Power.
Speaker:Presence.
Speaker:Warmth.
Speaker:Power is here defined as the capacity to impact others, while presence is the ability to be
Speaker:fully engaged and attentive in the moment.
Speaker:Finally, warmth is about perceived goodwill or benevolence, or the degree to which people
Speaker:believe you will use your power and presence in their best interest.
Speaker:Again, all three of these are primarily emotional and about how people feel.
Speaker:Charisma is not rational.
Speaker:We can recognize these factors as analogous to the influence, presence, and affability
Speaker:we discussed in the last chapter.
Speaker:From Cabain's point of view, different Charisma styles vary in their relative proportions
Speaker:of these three special ingredients.
Speaker:For example, authoritative Charismatics tend to blow everyone out of the water when it comes
Speaker:to power and presence, but tend to be a little weaker on warmth.
Speaker:Kind and focused Charismatics excel in emotional warmth, but may lack a little in the power
Speaker:department.
Speaker:Once you have an idea of your current Charisma quotient and a few clues on your personal style,
Speaker:you have two options for improving yourself.
Speaker:One, you can lean into your unique style and amplify it.
Speaker:Two, you can balance out by cultivating those aspects you lacked so you're more rounded.
Speaker:Either way, always keep in mind that Charisma is most powerful when it's personal and genuine.
Speaker:So keep checking in with your authentic values, the things that fire you up, and your natural
Speaker:gifts.
Speaker:With that in mind, let's look at some practical exercises to start tapping into your inner
Speaker:charm.
Speaker:Use these the next time you're heading into a meeting, going on a date, spending time
Speaker:with friends, or family, or speaking in public.
Speaker:Exercise one, make yourself comfortable.
Speaker:We've seen that Charismatic people are confident and have presence.
Speaker:They trust in themselves and their message, and they unapologetically take up space in
Speaker:the room.
Speaker:On a very basic level, though, confidence equals comfort.
Speaker:It means being at home in your own skin, at ease with others, and comfortable in the world
Speaker:in general.
Speaker:This is why people advise to walk into a room like you own it, because when you're comfortable,
Speaker:you can relax and expand your awareness outwards to engage emotionally with others.
Speaker:When you're uncomfortable, every fiber of your being will communicate that, and act
Speaker:as a barrier to your power, presence, and warmth.
Speaker:Start simple, and think about what you're wearing.
Speaker:It's infinitely better to wear something you're genuinely comfy in, rather than a nice outfit
Speaker:that's too scratchy, too tight, too restrictive, or too awkward.
Speaker:For a cabane, physical and mental discomfort are the biggest obstacles to building charisma,
Speaker:and physical tension will manifest as social and emotional tension.
Speaker:Think also about your general physical well-being, and sure that you're not hungry or thirsty,
Speaker:tired, ill, or too hot or cold.
Speaker:If you're going to be outside, plan ahead to make sure you're not distracted by the
Speaker:sun glaring in your eyes, or the wind blowing your hair around, or the wrong footwear.
Speaker:Before you head out to a social interaction, pause for a moment, and check in with yourself.
Speaker:Body and mind, remind yourself that how things look is not as important as how they feel.
Speaker:A silk tie, or a gorgeous evening gown, might be conventional symbols of style and good
Speaker:taste, but if they make you feel bad, then that is what you will transmit socially.
Speaker:Make sure that your physical situation supports you and allows you to express yourself freely
Speaker:with minimal distraction.
Speaker:If something's getting in the way, get rid of it.
Speaker:Exercise 2 Use Ritual and Visualization
Speaker:Even charismatic is a state of mind, and just like an athlete needs to warm up before a
Speaker:big game or race, you need to warm up emotionally and psychologically before you wow everyone
Speaker:with charm.
Speaker:To extend the metaphor, if you jump into a marathon without stretching beforehand, you're
Speaker:going to be creaky and potentially injure yourself.
Speaker:Likewise, if you just jump into a challenging social situation without any thought or planning,
Speaker:you're going to fumble.
Speaker:Ritual can be the perfect social warm-up, not only does it allow us to get into the
Speaker:right mindset, but the mere fact of us planning ahead, taking charge, and paying deliberate
Speaker:attention to our strategy will make us feel more in control and more confident.
Speaker:Remember that charisma is a social game, and the best players are those that take it seriously.
Speaker:What kind of ritual is best?
Speaker:That depends on the state of mind you're trying to cultivate.
Speaker:Imagine an important job interview coming up and wanting to dazzle your interviewers.
Speaker:It's a sales position, so you need to display both authoritative and focused charisma to
Speaker:charm the interviews and show them you know how to do the job.
Speaker:Truthfully, you're feeling nervous and unsure of yourself, so you know that you're going
Speaker:to need to demonstrate immense social and emotional control.
Speaker:Hours before the interview, you start psyching yourself up.
Speaker:You listen to energizing music you know always puts you in a good mood.
Speaker:You run over a few mantras and affirmations to focus your mind, you plan your outfit,
Speaker:and practice a few responses in a mirror.
Speaker:Finally, you spend time in active visualization.
Speaker:This could go a few different ways.
Speaker:You might imagine in detail how you want the interview to go, seeing yourself smiling,
Speaker:confidently taking charge of the room, and mentally rehearsing your posture, tone of voice,
Speaker:and overall attitude.
Speaker:You could also visualize someone you admire and who demonstrates the mindset you're trying
Speaker:to convey.
Speaker:You could picture being that person as though you're temporarily using their persona as a
Speaker:mask to give you confidence.
Speaker:What would that person say and do in this situation?
Speaker:You can also use more abstract visualization.
Speaker:For example, imagining in vivid detail that all the stress is leaving your body in the
Speaker:form of literal negative words that float away off the surface of your skin, while a
Speaker:warm glow comes up from the ground and fills you up with energy, conviction, and confidence.
Speaker:After the visualization, you imagine that this warmth stays with you and that you carry
Speaker:it into the interview like a powerful talisman or magic spell.
Speaker:Speaking of talismans, maybe you have a lucky charm that helps make the occasion feel auspicious.
Speaker:You wear a sentimental accessory, treat yourself, light a candle, say a prayer, or plan to do
Speaker:something rewarding afterwards.
Speaker:Exercise 3 Be Present, Build Presence
Speaker:Fox Cabane has a slightly different take on the idea of presence.
Speaker:For her, a person builds presence when they themselves are present.
Speaker:This means being fully anchored in the moment rather than having your attention elsewhere.
Speaker:The more present you are, the more genuinely you can engage others, respond sensitively
Speaker:to minute changes in the conversational flow, and observe others' emotional states.
Speaker:It's also far easier to be felt as warm if you are present, focused, and paying attention
Speaker:to the person in front of you.
Speaker:That means that one of the biggest ways to sabotage our charisma is to be so distracted
Speaker:by the idea of what we should be doing that we are pulled away from the present.
Speaker:If you guessed that mindfulness practice will help with presence, then you guessed right.
Speaker:Anxiety can kill your charismatic aura because it takes you out of the moment, and the moment
Speaker:is exactly where the people you need to connect with are.
Speaker:Mindfulness is a tool that can help you reduce anxiety and boost awareness, whether you practice
Speaker:it alone, in preparation for a social situation, or in that situation as it unfolds.
Speaker:Again, the way you use mindfulness depends on your aims.
Speaker:Consider the following examples.
Speaker:A person trying to improve their warmth and affability realizes that judgment gets in
Speaker:the way of them connecting with people.
Speaker:They try a loving-kindness meditation every morning, where they practice extending compassion
Speaker:and understanding to everyone.
Speaker:Sitting quietly and with focus, they imagine a person they love, and focus on this feeling
Speaker:of acceptance and warmth.
Speaker:Then they imagine someone they only like, but practice feeling this same warmth for them
Speaker:too.
Speaker:Next, they imagine someone they are neutral about and so on, until they reach a person
Speaker:they actively dislike.
Speaker:They work hard to find feelings of kindness for them and for the fact that they are human
Speaker:beings who deserve compassion and respect regardless.
Speaker:While such a person may find that this practice generally improves their outlook and makes
Speaker:them more tolerant and accepting people, another might simply commit to finding little windows
Speaker:of awareness in every social interaction.
Speaker:Pausing, coming to the present, and reminding themselves to be aware of their body and breath
Speaker:in the moment, they become more relaxed and dynamically engaged.
Speaker:Perhaps they notice that their voice or body language is conveying stress, so they consciously
Speaker:choose to loosen up.
Speaker:Perhaps they realize they are hogging the conversation and graciously decide to let
Speaker:the other person take the stage for a while.
Speaker:One great way of building presence is to take your time.
Speaker:Anxiety, lack of presence, and rushing all go hand in hand.
Speaker:If you find yourself feeling tense in a moment, just pause, breathe, anchor in the present
Speaker:and in your five senses.
Speaker:What can you smell, see, taste even, slow down and just get comfy in the moment.
Speaker:It's usually our stressful ruminations about how we are in social situations that derail
Speaker:us and not the situation itself.
Speaker:Anchor in the moment and let these ruminations drift away.
Speaker:Finally, put your attention squarely on the other person.
Speaker:Don't let your mind wander and don't get distracted by your phone.
Speaker:Exercise 4.
Speaker:Take care.
Speaker:This is an extension of the previous exercise.
Speaker:When you pause, you give yourself the chance to act deliberately rather than reactively.
Speaker:You stop being at the mercy of knee-jerk reactions and start to act consciously.
Speaker:Congratulations, this is the beginning of that elusive quality called grace and poise.
Speaker:For example, if somebody says something that catches you off guard and embarrasses you a
Speaker:little, don't immediately blush and blurt out something that makes you sound defensive.
Speaker:Rather pause and think, how do I want to play this?
Speaker:And then choose to laugh it off, deflect attention by saying something amusing, or graciously
Speaker:thank the person for their comment, completely changing the energy of the interaction.
Speaker:But you can only do all this if you are aware enough to pause in the first place.
Speaker:Here's a fun trick that may result in an unexpected boost of confidence.
Speaker:Remind yourself that you don't have to react at all.
Speaker:We can get flustered when something unexpected or unpleasant happens, but that doesn't mean
Speaker:we have to lose our equilibrium, give away our attention, or have our mood determined
Speaker:by something or someone else.
Speaker:We can always choose to simply not respond.
Speaker:As a pause is all it takes to switch you from the mindset of, oh no, what should I do, to,
Speaker:never mind that, what do I want to do?
Speaker:Remind yourself always that you don't have to decide what you think about every stimulus
Speaker:in your environment, form an opinion, engage, or even pay attention.
Speaker:Every choice you make in a social interaction matters, your body language, your tone of voice,
Speaker:your word choice, your facial expression.
Speaker:Rather than being intimidated by this fact, use it to your advantage.
Speaker:See all of these as colors on a palette to paint the image you want to paint.
Speaker:Don't leave anything to chance.
Speaker:Take care with how you dress, how you speak, and how you're holding yourself in conversations,
Speaker:especially take care of what is happening with people around you and your effect on them.
Speaker:Again, we're in the realm of social control, which cannot be achieved without a degree of
Speaker:mindful awareness.
Speaker:Pause before you respond.
Speaker:Just a few seconds, and you'll seem more poised and put together.
Speaker:Instead of saying, um, simply keep quiet while thinking of what to say.
Speaker:If you are confident enough to take your time speaking, people will usually respond in kind
Speaker:and pay more attention to your words.
Speaker:Finally, be careful about your word choice and consider your audience.
Speaker:It's always a good idea to match your tone, word choice, volume, and pitch to theirs if you're unsure.
Speaker:Howard Friedman's Approach
Speaker:University of California professor of psychology Howard Friedman has spent decades researching
Speaker:various social behaviors.
Speaker:Particularly this elusive quality we call charisma.
Speaker:He developed the affective communication test, appropriately called ACT, which he believed
Speaker:was a good indicator of people's emotional expressiveness, i.e. their overall charisma.
Speaker:Like Rigio, Friedman believed that there is something compelling and attractive about
Speaker:people who easily and comfortably express themselves.
Speaker:In a 1980 paper published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, he and
Speaker:Rigio, together with two fellow researchers, found that non-verbal expressiveness plays
Speaker:a big role in social interactions, whichever form it takes, communicating with spiritedness,
Speaker:energy, passion, eloquence, and vibrant gestures all make a person far more charismatic.
Speaker:Remembering that charisma is about impacting others emotionally, it's easy to see why expressiveness
Speaker:is so important.
Speaker:It allows us to more easily affect others, leading and captivating and inspiring them.
Speaker:Conspirations matter, but when they're paired with non-verbal expression they can be charismatic.
Speaker:It's as though charming people are fluent in two languages, the obvious superficial one
Speaker:and the more primal unspoken and non-verbal one that captivates us more easily.
Speaker:The ACT is pretty simple.
Speaker:There are ten statements that participants are asked to respond to, noting the extent
Speaker:to which they agree.
Speaker:You can try it yourself by seeing the degree to which the following statements apply to
Speaker:you.
Speaker:Note that these are inspired by several different versions of the test.
Speaker:When I hear good music, I can't help but move my body.
Speaker:When I laugh, it's jovial and buoyant and everyone can hear me.
Speaker:When I'm on the phone, my mood and feelings come across loud and clear.
Speaker:During conversation with friends, I am tactile and easily touch or hug people.
Speaker:I don't mind when a group of people notice me or watch me.
Speaker:I usually have an obvious facial expression and am seldom neutral.
Speaker:People often tell me I'd make a good actor or actress.
Speaker:I'm not shy and don't mind being the center of attention.
Speaker:I know how to look at people seductively if I want to.
Speaker:I've always been good at playing games like charades or miming.
Speaker:Strangers often think I'm younger than I am.
Speaker:The more strongly you agree to the above statements, the more likely you're perceived
Speaker:as charismatic.
Speaker:These statements essentially measure your non-verbal, affective expressiveness.
Speaker:Let's look more closely at what this expressiveness actually looks like in the real world and
Speaker:how you can go about cultivating some of it in yourself.
Speaker:Kinesthetic Responsiveness People are drawn to and enthralled by displays
Speaker:of health, vigor, and liveliness in a very primal sense.
Speaker:Think of how people can't tear their eyes away from a talented performer, a passionate
Speaker:dancer or singer, or someone throwing their heart and soul into something special.
Speaker:We're attracted to people that seem to be filled to the brim with passion and energy.
Speaker:Perhaps we hope that some of it will rub off on us.
Speaker:Before human beings invented language, they communicated with their bodies.
Speaker:In fact, you could say that movement is a more primitive and immediate form of communication.
Speaker:Kinesthetic Responsiveness is about expressing yourself emotionally through your body's movement.
Speaker:Boring and unengaging people seem to be dead from the neck down.
Speaker:They slump and appear stagnant.
Speaker:Their bodies don't seem to extend or expand much into the space around them.
Speaker:In contrast, charismatic people are embodied, and their enthusiasm manifests in all of them.
Speaker:They move, they gesture, they shift in their seats, tilt their heads, or flap their hands
Speaker:around madly when telling an amusing story.
Speaker:Do this.
Speaker:Stay in shape.
Speaker:No, really.
Speaker:If you're healthy and physically active, you'll be more confident and at ease in your own
Speaker:opinion, lighter on your feet, and more mobile.
Speaker:As you speak to anyone, remember that your body is also constantly sending a message.
Speaker:Do you want that message to be, hmm, I'm half asleep?
Speaker:It's hard to communicate ease and confidence if you're unfit, uncomfortable, or physically
Speaker:struggling in some way.
Speaker:Expressive and contagious laugh.
Speaker:A laugh is a powerful thing.
Speaker:It can make people fall in love, put them at ease, make them trust you.
Speaker:It can make them laugh.
Speaker:Why is a genuine, juicy laugh so infectious?
Speaker:Well, think about what a laugh is.
Speaker:A simple, direct expression of joy.
Speaker:It shows a person that, just for one unguarded moment, is genuinely expressing how they feel.
Speaker:Also, it's a potent communication that you're happy, resilient, healthy, and able to enjoy
Speaker:yourself.
Speaker:People who are miserable, anxious, or in the habit of denying themselves pleasure are
Speaker:not attractive and they're not charismatic.
Speaker:But when you hear a person laugh from their core, something happens to you.
Speaker:You want to be a part of it.
Speaker:You're drawn in closer.
Speaker:No barriers and conventions temporarily fall away, and a moment of intimacy is possible.
Speaker:Do this.
Speaker:Commit to never stifling a laugh.
Speaker:Be free and ebullient with your joy and let it overflow when you feel it without a second
Speaker:thought for how you look or for social appropriateness, within reason, of course, bursting out laughing
Speaker:at a funeral's probably not a good idea.
Speaker:You can even practice by watching funny videos or comedy and letting yourself laugh openly.
Speaker:The next time you're in company and want to laugh, don't force or fake anything.
Speaker:Genuine and spontaneous joy is like charisma gold dust.
Speaker:Don't hide it.
Speaker:Expressive voice.
Speaker:Have you noticed how pets and other animals don't care about the words you say to them,
Speaker:but seem to respond only to the tone and pitch of your voice?
Speaker:Human animals are no different.
Speaker:Whether we're conscious of it or not, we all respond to the emotion we hear in other people's
Speaker:voices, regardless of the words they're using.
Speaker:If your words are saying one thing and your voice is communicating another, people will
Speaker:perceive the mismatch and it will put them on edge.
Speaker:They may interpret the discrepancy as insincerity.
Speaker:That's why it's important to communicate with your whole body and your voice is an especially
Speaker:important part of your body.
Speaker:Do this.
Speaker:Never speak carelessly.
Speaker:Instead, think about the emotion you're trying to convey and make sure your voice expresses
Speaker:that.
Speaker:Through your tone of voice alone, let people know that you're excited to talk to them,
Speaker:that your conversation brings you pleasure, and that you're fascinated by what they're
Speaker:saying.
Speaker:An old trick for when you're on the phone?
Speaker:Even though people can't see you, smile anyway, they'll be able to hear it in your voice.
Speaker:Expressive touching.
Speaker:When we communicate, we're reaching from our world out into the void to touch someone
Speaker:else's world, and the most obvious and concrete way to do this is to literally touch them.
Speaker:Clearly this comes with some caveats.
Speaker:Touch needs to be appropriate to work.
Speaker:Lightly brushing someone's hand, upper arms, or shoulder in the course of events can bridge
Speaker:distances, so to speak, and make the interaction feel more real and present.
Speaker:If touch is pushy or awkward though, it can prove disastrous.
Speaker:Do this.
Speaker:With people you don't know very well, communicate warmth and presence by touching them just
Speaker:once or twice in a conversation, on the shoulders, hands, or lower arms.
Speaker:Naturally, weave the touch into another expressive gesture, for example, a light touch when you're
Speaker:indicating you, or a gentle nudge on the shoulder as you walk through a door to suggest
Speaker:they go first.
Speaker:The trick is to be casual and comfortable in yourself as you do so.
Speaker:If you can't touch without being stiff or uncomfortable, avoid it for a while.
Speaker:Don't do this.
Speaker:A caveat here, touch will be received differently depending on whether a man or woman is toucher
Speaker:or touchee.
Speaker:As a rule, like it or not, men can get away with far less touch than women can, and it's
Speaker:usually better to touch someone of the same sex to avoid misunderstanding.
Speaker:Relax into being in the limelight.
Speaker:If you're shy or an introvert, having all eyes turned on you can feel pretty scary,
Speaker:but charismatic people soak up attention easily and with pleasure.
Speaker:Being put on the spot can be nerve-wracking, but even if you're not a natural performer,
Speaker:you can fake it somewhat.
Speaker:Protesting, being awkward, or shyly trying to wriggle out of attention actually makes
Speaker:things worse.
Speaker:A lot worse, so just relax.
Speaker:Something to remember is that when people turn their attention to you, their intentions
Speaker:are usually benign.
Speaker:What should nervous newbie comedian on stage for the first time, usually the crowd is generous
Speaker:with their laughs anyway, they want the performer to succeed and feel comfortable.
Speaker:Do this.
Speaker:Use humor.
Speaker:You don't have to suddenly think of something witty to say on the spot, just smile, relax,
Speaker:and breathe.
Speaker:But whatever you do, don't make a big deal of any awkwardness in the moment or you'll
Speaker:amplify it.
Speaker:Maybe playfully make fun of yourself or the situation.
Speaker:If everyone has turned to look at you after a slip and fall, just get up, smile, take
Speaker:a bow and say, ta-da, it's not original, it's not even all that funny, but it puts people
Speaker:at ease and will make them smile.
Speaker:Communicate with your face.
Speaker:While you might find an inscrutable and mysterious person interesting for a little while, you'll
Speaker:soon get bored of how little they're revealing of themselves.
Speaker:Communication is about being engaged.
Speaker:People want to know that they're affecting you, that you have an opinion, and that you
Speaker:are alive and responsive.
Speaker:Think about being on a date.
Speaker:It's excruciating to be with an unreadable person and not know how they feel about you.
Speaker:It's far more attractive to be with someone who's letting you know loud and clear where
Speaker:they are emotionally.
Speaker:Do this.
Speaker:Speak less and emote more.
Speaker:It could be as simple as smiling and nodding instead of saying yes, or lifting a single
Speaker:eyebrow when someone asks your opinion of a movie.
Speaker:Expressing emotions via the face becomes easier the more you practice.
Speaker:Look in the mirror and try to see how many different kinds of smiles you can make.
Speaker:Or the next time you're in a conversation, replace uh-huh sounds with expressions that
Speaker:mirror or respond to the speakers.
Speaker:Change your attitude to strangers.
Speaker:Public speaking coach Sims Wyeth did a survey and found that those who called themselves
Speaker:introverts actually prefer the company of extroverts.
Speaker:Trouble is, extroverts also prefer the company of extroverts.
Speaker:This suggests that it's simply easier and more fun to be with someone socially outgoing
Speaker:and expressive.
Speaker:While there's nothing wrong with being an introvert, the truth is that it can put further
Speaker:distance between you and others and limit the closeness, engagement, and presence required
Speaker:for charisma.
Speaker:Do this.
Speaker:Make the first move.
Speaker:Say hello to strangers first.
Speaker:This may seem scary, but it actually puts you in the driver's seat and gives you more
Speaker:control over social interactions.
Speaker:Practice broaching the silence with new people and you'll see that the earlier you break
Speaker:the ice, the easier the interaction tends to be.
Speaker:Flirt a little.
Speaker:Freedmen believe that charismatic people are experts at using a seductive glance.
Speaker:While hard to describe, we all know this look when we see it.
Speaker:Sure, there's a strong link between being charismatic and being sexy, alluring, or
Speaker:attractive to the opposite sex, but charismatic people are also masters at what could be called
Speaker:platonic flirting.
Speaker:They flirt with everyone if we broaden our definition of flirt.
Speaker:Do this.
Speaker:Practice platonic flirting with family, friends, children, old people, and people you don't
Speaker:even like.
Speaker:Think back to how much razor focus, warmth, and sparkle you've brought to romantic dates
Speaker:in the past, and then bring that dazzling, non-sexual version of yourself into the everyday.
Speaker:Be generous and sincere in the compliments you give.
Speaker:Smile at people often and praise them.
Speaker:Laugh at their jokes.
Speaker:Basically demonstrate that just being around them gives you pleasure.
Speaker:This makes people feel like a million bucks and like they're seen and appreciated.
Speaker:This kind of non-romantic chemistry is wonderful to see in action.
Speaker:Ham it up.
Speaker:Finally, Freedmen identified one form of emotional expressiveness that is the more fundamental
Speaker:precursor to body language, pantomime.
Speaker:Simply acting out a narrative is a brilliant and simple way to add color, life, and dynamism
Speaker:to your stories and to make you seem more relatable, more amusing, and way more captivating.
Speaker:You can learn to do this by watching the pros, improv artists, comedians, clowns, impersonators,
Speaker:and two-year-olds who are the reigning champions of the acting world.
Speaker:Do this.
Speaker:The next time you're relating a story to someone, gradually try to incorporate gestures, actions,
Speaker:voices, and movements to add dimension.
Speaker:This can be subtle.
Speaker:For example, if you're relating a discussion between two people, slightly move your position
Speaker:in space and change your voice and posture when you act out each person's part.
Speaker:Make liberal use of dramatic pauses, facial expressions, and gestures.
Speaker:It may seem silly, but imagine you're telling the story to a group of excited toddlers and
Speaker:exaggerate.
Speaker:Howard Freedmen's approach to charisma homes in on the emotional expressiveness aspect
Speaker:of charisma, and judging by his research, this may be the most significant factor when
Speaker:it comes to charming and engaging people.
Speaker:It's easy to imagine an emotionally expressive car salesman, stand-up comedian, preacher,
Speaker:politician, or celebrity with a megawatt smile.
Speaker:But you may be starting to wonder, is there no room for those people who are quieter,
Speaker:calmer, more sophisticated, more refined, shy, reserved, or plain old timid?
Speaker:A word on introversion.
Speaker:First the bad news.
Speaker:Charisma is about emotionally impacting others, and it's almost impossible to do that if you're
Speaker:not literally reaching out to others, taking the risk of showing yourself and being interested
Speaker:in the people around you.
Speaker:Very few can manage to be aloof and dismissive of others and yet liked, so if you consider
Speaker:yourself a naturally reclusive or introverted person, then there's no question.
Speaker:You'll have to come out of your comfort zone and play a role that may not feel comfortable
Speaker:at first, if you want to increase your charisma, that is.
Speaker:But the good news, extroverts have to do this work too.
Speaker:Many shy people falsely assume that extroverts find all this easy.
Speaker:A few do, but if you ask most social butterflies, they'll tell you that they had to work on
Speaker:it.
Speaker:Sometimes constantly, even the most confident and enigmatic person can sometimes feel vulnerable,
Speaker:crabby, unconfident, or socially terrified.
Speaker:The difference is they understand there's no way around it.
Speaker:Like anything in life, it takes consistent practice, humility, and the willingness to
Speaker:learn.
Speaker:There's more good news, though.
Speaker:You don't have to be an overbearing or fake loudmouth to be charismatic.
Speaker:You can keep your quiet, calm personality and still be alluring.
Speaker:Extroverts sparkle.
Speaker:Introverts glow.
Speaker:Being naturally less gregarious is no excuse for not mastering warmth, sensitivity, good
Speaker:communication, listening skills, tact, and expressiveness.
Speaker:In fact, there are a few aspects of charisma that you may be better equipped to master
Speaker:than your extroverted brethren.
Speaker:In our next chapter, we'll look at two case studies that prove that charm comes in many
Speaker:flavors and introversion or extroversion has very little to do with it.
Speaker:Summary
Speaker:Olivia Fox Cabane explains how there are four charisma types, according to the proportion
Speaker:of power, presence, and warmth.
Speaker:The focused charismatic, who pays deep attention to others.
Speaker:The visionary charismatic, who communicates their infectious passion.
Speaker:The kind charismatic, who inspires with warmth and compassion.
Speaker:And the authoritative charismatic, who leads others with expertise and power.
Speaker:Depending on your goals, you can play up your natural charisma strengths or seek to balance
Speaker:out your weaknesses.
Speaker:To be socially and emotionally comfortable, plan ahead and make sure you're physically
Speaker:comfortable, which will remove barriers to charismatic connection.
Speaker:Use ritual and visualization as a social warm-up.
Speaker:Music, meditation, and affirmations can help you prepare.
Speaker:Build presence with mindfulness.
Speaker:Slow down, breathe, and anchor in the senses.
Speaker:Pause before you respond, and take conscious care of every detail of the interaction, including
Speaker:your verbal and nonverbal expression, appearance, and behavior.
Speaker:Howard Friedman emphasized the affective, nonverbal expressiveness component of charisma.
Speaker:Communicate with all your body, and laugh openly.
Speaker:Speak with a dynamic, varied voice that changes in pitch, tone, and expression.
Speaker:Use touch to bridge distance and create warmth, aware that the rules differ for men and women.
Speaker:Speak less and emote more via facial expression if you find yourself the center of attention.
Speaker:Relax and don't draw attention to awkwardness, using humor to diffuse tension.
Speaker:Use exaggerated pantomime-like gestures, and initiate contact with strangers.
Speaker:Finally, practice the art of platonic flirting.
Speaker:Introverts can be charismatic, but they must do so on their own terms.
Speaker:This has been Massive Charisma, Small Talk, Charm, Likeability, and How to Succeed with
Speaker:People, written by Patrick King, narrated by Russell Newton.
