Understanding Empathy And Why We Need It

Empathy is a beautiful thing. When we have empathy, our world becomes bigger because we are able to share in the worlds of others and feel the satisfaction of knowing that they can see into our own. Empathy brings depth and meaning to our relationships—all kinds of relationships—and helps us smooth over conflict and misunderstanding.

Empathy is not just for the sake of others, though; if we develop empathy in ourselves, we can’t help but find that we have more of it for ourselves. Empathy allows us to be more creative, more resilient, and more innovative when it comes to solving problems. With empathy, we become more self-compassionate, self-aware, and fully rounded individuals.

otorious study conducted from: 1979

Empathy is simply the ability to take on the perspective of someone else.

It means being able to see that your beliefs and biases are not objective reality, but merely a lens through which you view objective reality—and that everyone has their own lens, too. Empathy is the social, familial, and cultural glue holding together the networks of social interaction. Without it, it’s hard to imagine how humankind could ever have evolved; but today, we are getting a glimpse of what the world looks like when we fail to think and feel outside of our own bubbles.

Why is empathy becoming rarer?

Perhaps it’s generational differences in parenting styles.

Perhaps it’s a feature of hyper-individualistic late-stage capitalist societies.

Perhaps the internet has eroded more meaningful forms of human engagement.

Whatever the case (and it’s likely to be a mix of all the above and more), you probably picked up this book because you are interested in learning to develop your own capacity to feel for your fellow human being. Whether you have had difficulties in this area in the past or you are someone who wants to improve their natural empathic abilities, you will undoubtedly find something in this book to help.

We’ll be looking at what empathy really is and how you can start to be kinder, more understanding, and more compassionate in small ways, today. We’ll consider some underappreciated ways to developing an empathic mindset, including how to perspective-switch, what to do to deepen your listening, and how to maintain the orientation of curiosity that is so important for anyone wishing to be more compassionate. Finally, we’ll look at ways to take our empathy skills and apply them to trickier situations like conflict, asserting boundaries, or saying no—without jeopardizing a sense of connection.

What Empathy Is

Empathy is a fundamental part our neurobiology (yes, even if you don’t currently consider yourself a very empathic person!). Psychologists have elaborated on the idea of “theory of mind”—the human capacity to understand another person’s state of mind and comprehend that they have a mind totally different from our own. However, this cognitive ability may have evolved from a more primal ability to feel someone else’s emotional state, i.e., basic empathy.

macaque monkeys (Rizzolatti,: 1992

Neuroeconomist Paul Zak has also since identified what he calls the brain’s HOME circuit (for human oxytocin-mediated empathy). When someone is in distress, the neurochemical oxytocin is released, encouraging us to engage in nurturing, caring behavior (this hormone is fittingly called the “cuddle hormone” and is released in abundance during sexual activity, breastfeeding, or simple skin-to-skin contact).

All human beings possess these specialized mirror neurons in the brain that have the sole function to coordinate and synchronize social experiences. And all humans possess the hormonal and neurochemical foundation to experience warmth, bonding, and the physiological sensation of compassion.

el empathy (Uzefovsky et al.,: 2019

Empathy, then, is not only theory of mind but theory of heart—and it’s hardwired into our brains and bodies.

Though empathy might be in decline today, our neurobiological capacity for empathy is the same as it’s ever been. That means that even if you feel like you’re out of practice (or never cultivated the skill in the first place), you can always learn to be more empathic.

What Empathy ISN’T

One obvious impediment to being more empathic is wrongly assuming what empathy looks like or requires of us.

We do not necessarily need to have experienced what another person has experienced to have empathy for them. Having had the same experience doesn’t predict or guarantee empathy. For example, imagine that someone is waiting for ages in the line to use the lady’s restroom, complaining loudly about how inconsiderate people are to take so long and keep everyone waiting. However, the moment they get to the front of the line themselves, they slam the door and proceed to take as long as they like, forgetting all about what they have just experienced. Shared experience does not equal empathy!

Similarly, we do not need to be like someone to have empathy for them. Think about the fact that two siblings of similar age raised in the same household and in the same social context may still fail utterly to understand the other’s point of view.

Another empathy myth is that if we experience empathy for another, we are essentially condoning, agreeing with, or acquiescing to their point of view. This is a misconception. Taking on another’s point of view is a little like watching a movie. The enjoyment of becoming engrossed in the movie has nothing to do with whether we “agree” with the story or not. We enter into another world and another story, and at the end of it, we get up and leave the movie theater. In other words, feeling into someone else’s perspective is a value-neutral act. We are not required to make an appraisal or pass judgment—just observe.

So, we don’t need to have shared the experience.

We don’t need to be similar to the person having the experience.

And we don’t need to have any particular opinion on that experience.

All we need is to understand the other person’s perspective on that experience through their eyes. That’s all. Doing this, we can imagine, for example, that the five-year-old who is afraid of what’s under the bed is genuinely terrified, even if we ourselves know there’s nothing to be afraid of and don’t feel any fear. This means that empathy is not about any particular situation per se, but about a unique individual’s perspective on it.

Finally, a note about empathy and being “an empath.” While it’s undoubtedly true that some people are more naturally empathic than others, this human superpower is not reserved for only a select few. Occasionally, someone with poor boundaries or a confused sense of self will feel overwhelmed by their perception of another person’s emotions. This is not the same as empathy. If we take the idea of “feeling another’s pain” too far, we may actually weaken our ability to show kindness, consideration, and compassion for that person—because we are too engulfed in our own emotions.

As we progress through this book, we’ll be keeping a few foundational principles in mind at all times:

• Empathy is a normal human ability that anybody can develop—but although it is innate, that doesn’t mean it always comes naturally or without effort. We can train our empathy skills just as surely as we can other human capacities like communication, discipline, or creativity.

• In the same vein, empathy is more about what we do than what we are. Having empathy is not about good intentions or the right personality traits, but rather about our continued conscious choice to communicate, listen, ask questions, reflect, share, and act with kindness and consideration. This book will show you how.

• Finally, empathy is relational—it’s never something we do alone, but with others. It’s a collective effort. That’s why in the chapters that follow, every principle will be tied back in some way to how we put our newly acquired empathy skills to use in context and in relationships. Some exercises and practices are done alone, but always with the intention of “test driving” them out in the world with a living, breathing human being!

The Three Types of Empathy

Imagine you have gone to visit a well-known and experienced psychiatrist. You tell them about the difficult experiences you’re having— seemingly at random, your mind keeps wandering off to frightening and bizarre thoughts. You’re horrified by these thoughts. You keep thinking, in particular, of accidentally hurting a small child . . . or perhaps doing it on purpose? It’s gotten so bad that when you walked past a baby in a stroller that morning, you couldn’t help but imagine snatching it and throwing it into a nearby river. What on earth is wrong with you?

The psychiatrist nods a little, expressionless, and says in a monotone, “Well, that’s called intrusive thoughts. It’s more common than you think. It’s probably completely harmless, but we might investigate for OCD if it persists.”

Now, this is a doctor who is well respected in their field and knows their stuff. They have given you their professional opinion and may be the only person in your world who has actually studied on an academic level the experiences you’re describing. Their appraisal is no doubt helpful.

But it’s not exactly comforting, is it?

Later, when you go home, you confide in a close friend about the whole thing, as well as how the psychiatrist appointment was a little underwhelming. The friend immediately gasps and says, “You poor thing! That sounds so scary for you.”

The question is, who has done the better job of understanding your perspective? Well, both the psychiatrist and your friend are being empathic, but in different ways.

Psychologists Daniel Goleman and Paul Ekman have explained that not all empathy is the same; they’ve outlined a total of three separate types of empathy.

Cognitive Empathy

This is more akin to perspective-taking (which we will explore in more depth later in the book) or understanding someone’s thoughts, mindset, or point of view. Cognitive empathy is empathy based on knowing or understanding what someone else is going through—it is an intellectual exercise, not unlike what the psychiatrist did when they cross-referenced your story and your list of symptoms against their understanding of certain psychiatric diagnoses.

When we hear about strangers in another country experiencing some misfortune, for another example, we comprehend that they must obviously feel awful. Similarly, we may think, “I’m a vegetarian, but cats are meat eaters, so I guess I’ll feed Mittens meat.” But both these conclusions are reached primarily using our own logic and reason and the knowledge we have about the world (i.e., war is terrible, cats eat meat).

Cognitive empathy is extremely useful because it helps expand our own point of view and gives us a foothold into perspectives other than our own. Without real knowledge and insight into what exactly is going on for another human being, we may never grasp anything else about them, and our connection with them will always be shallow. Cognitive empathy is the foundation on which all other compassion is built.

That said, cognitive empathy on its own is seldom enough, as we see in the above example. Speaking to the psychiatrist, you may have felt understood, but a certain warmth and compassion was missing. You might not have felt seen, cared for, or valued in the experience you were having. If you’ve ever shared a personal problem with someone only to have them blandly offer you a practical solution, you’ll have experienced firsthand why cognitive empathy alone is seldom enough!

Emotional Empathy

This is the ability to actually share and take some part in the emotional experience of another person. It’s not merely understanding their position from somewhere on the outside, but moving right up close to the feeling and feeling it yourself.

In our example, the friend shows emotional empathy. When you talk to her further, she says, “I’ve experienced something a little like that before. It’s going to sound silly, but when I was a teenager, I was convinced I’d sold my soul to the devil somehow, and I could not put the thought out of my mind. I bet you’re feeling really frightened right now. I don’t know why this kind of thing happens, but in my case, it did go away eventually. If you don’t mind me asking, when did it start?”

You instantly feel like she really gets what you’re going through. You hadn’t considered it before, but when she says the word “frightened,” you realize this is exactly how you feel. The psychiatrist told you that intrusive thoughts were common, but your friend seems to really feel the truth of this for herself and has reflected it back to you. You feel seen and validated. And you don’t feel so alone as you did when sitting in that psychiatrist’s office.

Emotional empathy is the stuff that sincere social connections are made of. Emotions—and shared emotions—bind people together. This kind of empathy is the fabric of kindness and compassion, perhaps our very humanity. But again, on its own, it has its limits. Your friend really and truly feels for you—but she has no idea why you’re experiencing what you are or how to help beyond empathizing.

Another example can show the limits of purely emotional empathy: A father comes home from his insanely stressful and complicated job, feeling exhausted and overwhelmed. His young son has absolutely no idea of the world of anxieties his father inhabits—the bills, the responsibilities, the worries. But he genuinely feels for his father. He doesn’t understand the cause of the exhaustion, but with love, he empathizes with it.

Compassionate Empathy

This can also be called empathic concern. It is a position that goes beyond cognitive comprehension of emotion and also beyond the sharing in that emotion. With compassionate empathy, we put our feelings of understanding and sympathy to good use. We try to resolve problems, to remove burdens, or to inspire insights that will help progress the situation.

Even if you had both the psychiatrist and your friend on your side, you’d probably still want some more concrete way out of your predicament. Let’s say you then chat with an old family friend who kindly shares what worked for them in a similar situation. Imagine they offer their help directly, asking you what you think you most need right now. Without seeming like a know-it-all or giving unwanted advice, your old family friend suggests a few interesting books you could read or a meditation technique they’ve personally found useful.

At the end of your conversation with them, you feel that not only have they understood where you’re coming from, and not only have they felt along with you, but they’ve also empowered you to make real changes and improvements. They have shown you compassionate empathy. Not only do they understand and feel your situation, they want to improve it.

So, which form of empathy is “best”? Truthfully, they’re best when combined with one another. As you learn to develop your own empathy skills, it might help to imagine that these three types are on a progressing ladder—so start with cognitive empathy, then move to emotional empathy, then finally finish with the most intense form of empathy, which is more active and compassionate.

An example will help. Imagine a friend has just lost their mother to cancer. You send a condolences card. When you next meet, you begin with cognitive empathy and try to understand their thoughts, feelings, and behaviors on a more intellectual level. Maybe you already know that they were on very poor terms with their mother and they hadn’t spoken in a decade. Maybe you also know that your friend has never quite forgiven their mother for certain things that happened during childhood.

Putting all this together and using primarily your intellect, you guess that although your friend is probably grieving, they might have lots of other, more complex and difficult feelings surrounding this death, too. Because of this, you don’t immediately launch into an overly emotional display where you cry out, “Oh, you must be devastated! She was such a wonderful woman!”

As you engage a little with your friend, listening carefully to the answers your questions are receiving, you begin to connect more with them and gradually start to feel what they are feeling. To your surprise, you see that they are actually angry. They say, “I’m really mad at her . . . She just disappeared when there was so much unfinished business. Now what am I supposed to do?” You hear the hurt in your friend’s voice and can relate. You, too, have known the pain and confusion of a sudden goodbye and feeling like you never got closure. Your cognitive empathy is morphing into emotional empathy.

After having a heart-to-heart with your friend, you feel comfortable moving to the final, more compassionate form of empathy. You hear them again say, “I just don’t know what to do now. I’ve never planned a funeral.” You hear the emotion behind this and decide to step in to help. You liaise with other family members and take some of the funeral admin on yourself, or perhaps you just agree to come over every evening for a while to help tidy up your friend’s flat and make sure they have something to eat. Years into the future, this simple act of kindness may be remembered by your friend as the highest form of empathy they received in a difficult time.

You can use the three kinds of empathy in smaller, more everyday ways, too. By ticking all the empathy boxes and gradually progressing to compassionate empathy, we create a feeling of trust.

Try this:

1. Ask about a fact or further explanation to show you want to understand

2. Offer an emotion label or express an emotional response

3. Demonstrate a willingness to help in some way.

Consider the following conversation:

A: “So I flunked the exam. Missed the pass mark by one percent. I’m devastated.”

B: “By just one percent? Wow, that really sucks. Is it really not possible to negotiate a pass mark somehow, being so close?” (A question geared toward cognitive empathy.)

A: “Nope. I just chatted with the lecturer, and she’s adamant that a fail is a fail. I can’t believe it.”

B: “Oh man, I’m so sorry to hear that. It must be so . . . I don’t know, frustrating to be so close and yet it’s still a flat-out fail.” (A statement coming from emotional empathy.)

A: “Exactly. It is frustrating. And what’s annoying is that I know she’s right, and they can’t just make exceptions. But now I’m really panicking about the exam next month. I didn’t realize I was quite so far behind . . .”

B: “Yeah, I get that. I’m sure this has been a knock to your confidence. Hey—if you like, I can come over tomorrow and I’d be happy to help you put together a study plan for the next few weeks. We can go through some past papers together.” (A concrete suggestion for practical help coming from compassionate empathy.)

A: “Really? That would help, actually. Thanks.”

Compassion—A Balancing Act

Renowned shame expert, psychologist, and author Dr. Brene Brown explained in one of her popular TED talks the difference between empathy and sympathy. She explained how sympathy is “feeling for” someone but from a distance and without getting too emotionally connected. It’s a little like seeing that someone is trapped in a deep hole, but continuing to stand outside of it, high above them, and talking to them from your position of not being in the hole. “Wow, that looks pretty bad. I’m so glad I’m not stuck in a hole like that—looks awful!”

A person with sympathy may (annoyingly) try to offer a positive interpretation to the person in the hole, but this doesn’t work because it doesn’t acknowledge the situation the person is in. If you were in a hole, would you care that a person currently outside the hole can agree that you’re in a bind? Would it help for them to say, “Look, it’s a beautiful day today . . . at least your hole is not any deeper than it is”?

Sympathy has its limits. Empathy is, to keep the metaphor going, more about feeling with someone, i.e., climbing down into the hole to sit next to them. It’s accepting a certain level of vulnerability and reaching out to them in a sincere attempt to connect. You are a human being who has also known difficulty, and this allows you to recognize the struggle they’re in, even if it’s not identical to your own. And as we’ve seen, compassionate empathy is the person who can climb down into the whole—and bring a ladder with them.

But consider one final possibility: too much empathy. This is like getting down into the hole with them and then proceeding to get trapped in exactly the same way as they’re trapped. Your empathy may be so great, and you may be so able to feel their pain in your own heart, that you essentially put yourself in exactly the same position. Now there are two of you in the hole. Oops! It turns out, a little distance from another person’s strong emotional reality is not such a bad idea.

As you read through the chapters that follow, try to keep in mind that nobody is expected to be a selfless saint, and that when it comes to empathy, it’s all about balance. In empathy, we draw closer to someone’s experience. We step out of our own perspective and step into theirs, trying on their set of beliefs, looking through their eyes and feeling with their heart. But we also need to remember that to truly help someone, we need to be at somewhat of a distance from their pain. It is always a mistake to keep ourselves far removed from the other person’s experience—but it’s also a mistake to get too tightly engrossed in it. Neither extreme is likely to be useful to anyone.

On your journey to becoming a more empathic person, try not to forget this constant interplay between closeness versus distance, and remember to include all three types of empathy when you engage with others.

Summary

• Empathy is about the ability to take another person’s perspective. It is similar to “theory of mind,” which is the human capacity to understand another person’s state of mind and comprehend that it is totally different from our own. Empathy is not only theory of mind but “theory of heart”—to feel other people’s emotions—and it’s hardwired into our brains and bodies.

• Empathy is not about any particular situation, but about a unique individual’s perspective on that situation.

• Though it is an innate human ability, it is in decline. We need to consciously cultivate and develop empathy.

• There are three kinds of empathy: Cognitive empathy is empathy based on knowing or understanding what someone else is going through, on an intellectual level.

• Emotional empathy is the ability to actually share and take some part in the emotional experience of another person.

• With compassionate empathy, we put our feelings of understanding and sympathy to good use. We try to resolve problems, remove burdens, or inspire insights that will help progress the situation.

• In an empathic interaction, move from cognitive to emotional to compassionate empathy.

• Sympathy is like seeing someone is in a hole, but standing on the outside looking in with concern. Empathy is like getting down into the hole and relating to the person side by side, with them.

• Too little empathy is a problem, but so is too much. Becoming overwhelmed in another person’s world means we lose perspective—as well as the ability to be of any practical help to them.