Uncover the Art of Reading People: How to Get Straight Answers from Anyone
How to Extract Info, Secrets, and Truth: Make People Reveal Their True Thoughts and Intentions Without Them Even Knowing It (How to be More Likable and Charismatic Book 12) By: Patrick King
Hear it Here - https://bit.ly/ExtractInfo
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B093ZRPCDK
Dive deep into the second chapter of Patrick King's book, "How to Extract Info, Secrets, and Truth." Learn powerful techniques to navigate conversations with ease. From putting questions in context to recognizing elicitation tactics, this episode uncovers the secrets behind getting honest responses. Discover insights from FBI experts, psychologists, and renowned lawyers. Uncover the truth, enhance your likability, and boost your charisma. Watch now to master the art of conversation!
Transcript
Hello, listeners!
Speaker:Welcome to Social Skills Coaching on this lovely Thursday, April 23rd, 2025; where we help you unlock your full potential and become the best version of yourself, both personally and professionally.
Speaker:Todays featured book:
Speaker:How to Extract Info, Secrets, and Truth: Make People Reveal Their True Thoughts and Intentions Without Them Even Knowing It (How to be More Likable and Charismatic Book 12) By: Patrick King
Speaker:6 00:00:29,720 --> 00:00:38,080 If you're looking to sharpen your social skills and become an expert at reading people, then Patrick King's book, "How to Extract Info, Secrets, and Truth" is a must-read.
Speaker:With insights from FBI interrogators and psychologists, this guide equips you with the tools to uncover hidden intentions and emotions, making every interaction a strategic advantage.
Speaker:Whether it's cracking guarded individuals or simply understanding human nature better, King's book promises to be an invaluable asset in your interpersonal toolkit.
Speaker:Todays episode:
YouTube Headline:"Uncover the Art of Reading People: How to Get Straight Answers from Anyone"
YouTube Headline:Hey there!
YouTube Headline:Are you ready for some mind-boggling tips on how to get the inside scoop from folks?
YouTube Headline:In this episode, we dive into the art of asking the right questions and uncovering those hidden gems of information.
YouTube Headline:Imagine being able to reveal someone's deepest thoughts with just a few clever queries - it's like cracking a secret code!
YouTube Headline:We'll explore some fun hypothetical scenarios and learn how to analyze answers like a pro, all while keeping things natural and context-aware.
YouTube Headline:Get ready to impress your friends with these sneaky (yet totally ethical!)
YouTube Headline:techniques that will have you reading people like a book.
YouTube Headline:Observations allow you to gather the “low hanging fruit” when it comes to information about people.
YouTube Headline:A lot of what you want to know is right there for the seeing.
YouTube Headline:Questions, however, take things a step further and actively elicit information from people, note merely observing their reaction to their environment but creating a stimulus that they respond to.
YouTube Headline:The great thing about questions is that you can target and guide the person in front of you, so they share with you a response you can analyze more closely.
YouTube Headline:The most skillful form of questioning, as you can probably guess, is subtle and natural so it is never detected.
YouTube Headline:Ordinary conversation can conceal your more deliberate intentions, if only you ask questions that seem relaxed, unobtrusive and appropriate to the situation.
YouTube Headline:In the same way that we can miss valuable information about others because we simply don’t observe what’s right in front of us, we can also fail to understand those around because we’re not really listening when they respond to us.
YouTube Headline:Through innocent questioning, we can uncover a host of information that represents an entire worldview or set of values.
YouTube Headline:For instance, what if you were to ask someone where they obtained their news and which television channel, which set of publications, which magazines, and which pundits or hosts they preferred?
YouTube Headline:It’s a prime illustration of an indirect question that lets you understand quite a bit about how they think.
YouTube Headline:Yes, it involves a bit of extrapolation and guesswork, but at least there’s a concrete piece of information to go on and many concrete associations with it.
YouTube Headline:The answer to one question spurs another, more targeted question, and so on.
YouTube Headline:Combined with the observation techniques already covered, you can see how a simple interaction can provide a rich, three dimensional view of a person.
YouTube Headline:We start this chapter with some of these indirect questions before going even more in-depth by asking people for stories and seeing what we can glean from those.
YouTube Headline:These questions are phrased to challenge and inspire deep thought.
YouTube Headline:They ask people to dive deeper so that we can begin to understand their behavioral and thought patterns.
YouTube Headline:1.
YouTube Headline:What kind of prize would you work hardest for, and what punishment would you work hardest to avoid?
YouTube Headline:The answer to this question might help identify the true motive behind an individual’s drive.
YouTube Headline:Beyond surface-level things, what is really motivating people?
YouTube Headline:What do they really care about?
YouTube Headline:And what type of pain or pleasure matters to them?
YouTube Headline:On an instinctual level, what really matters the most in both a positive and negative way?
YouTube Headline:In a way, this answer also reflects values.
YouTube Headline:For example, gamblers all want one prize: the jackpot.
YouTube Headline:They try and try again, whether it be with scratchers or slot machines to try and win the big prize money.
YouTube Headline:Are they motivated by winning back their losses?
YouTube Headline:Is their hope to become richer than they can imagine?
YouTube Headline:Do they actually want it, or are they filling a void and keeping themselves distracted?
YouTube Headline:Why are they working so hard?
YouTube Headline:You might surmise that their motivation is the thrill and rush of the risk involved.
YouTube Headline:Do they care about making steady pay or finding their purpose?
YouTube Headline:Maybe, and maybe not.
YouTube Headline:When you can dig into what someone wants the most and why, you can often find what is driving them without having to ask it directly.
YouTube Headline:The way people answer this question will clearly tell you their priorities and what they consider pain and pleasure in their lives.
YouTube Headline:Look for the emotion behind people’s answers here, and you can get a pretty good read on their values.
YouTube Headline:A goal of rising to CEO-level doesn’t just exist in a vacuum—what are the feelings, emotions, and fulfilled expectations that come from wanting it?
YouTube Headline:Likewise, wanting to avoid being poor speaks to very specific desires for security and safety from danger.
YouTube Headline:2.
YouTube Headline:Where do you want to spend money, and where do you accept skimping on or skipping altogether?
YouTube Headline:This answer reveals what matters to someone’s life and what they want to experience or avoid.
YouTube Headline:This is not really about the item or items to be purchased; there comes a point where material belongings no longer have a use, and it’s about what those items represent and provide.
YouTube Headline:For example, sometimes, spending money on experiences instead of a new purse has the potential to improve someone’s overall well-being and outlook on life.
YouTube Headline:Again, look for the underlying emotions and motivations behind the answer.
YouTube Headline:So what do you have no problem splurging on, and what doesn’t matter to you?
YouTube Headline:For instance, when deciding on vacation expenditures, people may opt to splurge on an epic boat excursion and stay in a shabby hotel.
YouTube Headline:This reveals their desire to experience an unforgettable moment rather than staying in a nice hotel with golden toilets, which they view as a waste of money.
YouTube Headline:Others might opt for the opposite and revel in their creature comforts while not seeing much of the scenery.
YouTube Headline:In either case, they’ve used their money to quite literally identify and spend toward their priorities and values.
YouTube Headline:Where your money goes is an important part of what makes you happy, so if you can pay attention to where you let it flow and where you cut it off, you’ll immediately know what matters to you on a daily basis.
YouTube Headline:Contrast this question to if you were to ask someone, “What do you value in your daily life?” Again, there is a concrete answer here to analyze.
YouTube Headline:This same principle applies equally to time, money, and effort.
YouTube Headline:Where these things flow, whether consciously or unconsciously, represents the values people possess.
YouTube Headline:3.
YouTube Headline:What is your most personally significant and meaningful achievement and also your most meaningful disappointment or failure?
YouTube Headline:It’s common that experiences, whether they’re good or bad, shape people into who they are.
YouTube Headline:Achievements and failures tie into how someone sees oneself.
YouTube Headline:Significant experiences also tend to create their self-identities—you are this kind of person because you did this and succeeded or failed.
YouTube Headline:We can’t escape the fact that past occurrences will often influence our current and future actions.
YouTube Headline:They don’t have to, but this isn’t a book about changing your mindsets.
YouTube Headline:The point is that large events will reverberate throughout our entire lives.
YouTube Headline:So this question will get a response about how people view themselves, for better or worse.
YouTube Headline:Failure will painfully poke perceived flaws they hate about themselves, while achievements will bring up the strengths they are proud of.
YouTube Headline:A career woman who has worked her way up the corporate ladder might proudly reflect on her accomplishment.
YouTube Headline:Why does she consider this her greatest achievement?
YouTube Headline:Because she values independence, resilience, and determination, and that’s exactly what it takes to get to that career pinnacle.
YouTube Headline:She looks back to the things she did in order to get that corner office, and she feels positively about them.
YouTube Headline:Thus, the answer about her career accomplishments is actually a story about the positive traits she utilized in reaching that point—her self-identity.
YouTube Headline:You can imagine that the same negative type of self-identity might unfold if the same woman were to talk about her failures and ended up in a job that she despised.
YouTube Headline:Those are the exact things she hates the most.
YouTube Headline:The way that people answer this question shows who they want to be, and this is reflected in exactly how their expectations have either been fulfilled or not.
YouTube Headline:4.
YouTube Headline:What is effortless and what is always exhausting?
YouTube Headline:This is a question that is designed to better understand what people actually enjoy.
YouTube Headline:Something that is effortless isn’t always an innate talent, but rather an indication that they enjoy it.
YouTube Headline:On the other hand, something that is always exhausting is not always about people’s lack of competency, but rather a distaste for the actual activity.
YouTube Headline:Thus, answers to this question can indicate where people find natural joy and enjoyment, even if they don’t realize it themselves.
YouTube Headline:For instance, as a baker answers this question, she may recognize her rather mediocre capacity for creativity for blending ingredients together to make a dessert.
YouTube Headline:Although she is above average, she is not naturally talented at it, and it has been very difficult for as long as she can remember.
YouTube Headline:She was not innately talented with culinary creativity, and yet she finds joy in it such that she is always driven to it.
YouTube Headline:It’s challenging but effortless in a way that she doesn’t grow tired of.
YouTube Headline:On the other hand, she may have a natural talent in understanding and following traditional recipes—yet it is not something that she values or particularly cares about.
YouTube Headline:If we were to look at only her innate talents, we would conclude that she should stick to only executing the dishes of others.
YouTube Headline:But it’s simply not what she values.
YouTube Headline:As mentioned previously, wherever our time, effort, energy, and money goes, such are our values.
YouTube Headline:5.
YouTube Headline:If you could design a character in a game, what traits would you emphasize and which would you ignore?
YouTube Headline:This question asks what people see as their ideal self and also what they feel is less important in the world.
YouTube Headline:Imagine that you have a limited number of points to give a person but six traits to spread the points across.
YouTube Headline:Which will you choose to emphasize and bolster, and which will you choose to leave average or even lacking?
YouTube Headline:Suppose you have the ability to choose between the traits of charisma, academic intelligence, sense of humor, honesty, resilience, and emotional awareness.
YouTube Headline:The traits you’d choose to put the maximum number of points in is how you’d like others to see you.
YouTube Headline:It may represent your current composition of traits, or it might be completely opposite to who you currently are.
YouTube Headline:In either case, it’s more than likely that this either represents how you see yourself or how you would like to see yourself.
YouTube Headline:And the other traits?
YouTube Headline:Well, they simply matter less.
YouTube Headline:In turn, they seek out people with those traits they like and are less keen to seek out those with the other traits.
YouTube Headline:There are probably stories behind each of the traits that people might choose as well.
YouTube Headline:A related question to ask others is, “What traits are common in other people?” This question comes from a 2010 psychological study by Dustin Wood, in which he found that people tended to describe others with similar traits as themselves.
YouTube Headline:Presumably this is because people tend to see their own qualities in others.
YouTube Headline:No one believes that their mental makeup of traits is uncommon, and thus, they believe everyone has a similar perspective and way of thinking as them.
YouTube Headline:Answers to this question are a direct insight into what traits people believe they have, for better or worse.
YouTube Headline:From there, you know what kind of approach they have to the world—kind, generous, distrusting, mischievous, or even ill-spirited.
YouTube Headline:6.
YouTube Headline:What charity would you donate millions to if you had to?
YouTube Headline:Answering this question forces one to answer what they care about in the world at large rather than just in their own life.
YouTube Headline:Will you donate to an animal shelter or a charity for cancer?
YouTube Headline:Perhaps you would sponsor a child from a third-world country?
YouTube Headline:They all say very different things.
YouTube Headline:You might have had a first- or secondhand experience with any of these causes.
YouTube Headline:Whatever the case, it shows what matters when people start to think outside of themselves.
YouTube Headline:You can see a whole sector of the world that they are concerned about, and this allows you to see how they view their place in the world.
YouTube Headline:In other words, whose interests do they tend to prioritize or be motivated by?
YouTube Headline:As always, look to the underlying emotion.
YouTube Headline:Being able to ask these questions evokes a deeper connection to people’s values, ideas, and awareness.
YouTube Headline:The purpose of asking these is to, again, examine behavior.
YouTube Headline:These questions guide a person in thinking about the most relevant aspects of his or her character.
YouTube Headline:They also make people think beyond predictable statements and organically stimulate more meaningful thought.
YouTube Headline:Look beyond the answers and read between the lines.
YouTube Headline:Critical thinking, evaluation, and reflection are the key skills at play here.
YouTube Headline:Next, we go deeper by asking people for stories that they construct, rather than just a relatively short answer, to see what we can glean from hearing their internal dialogue in full effect.
YouTube Headline:7.
YouTube Headline:What animal best describes you?
YouTube Headline:The great thing about this question is that it’s a very personal inquiry hidden in plain sight.
YouTube Headline:People are far more comfortable talking about certain traits they admire in others than they are about talking directly about themselves.
YouTube Headline:You might also find that asking this question has people feeling very willing to share revealing information that they otherwise might have felt too uncomfortable to reveal.
YouTube Headline:Something about the distance that’s created when talking about an animal can prompt some very forthright and honest answers.
YouTube Headline:People may inadvertently tell you about who they wish they were when they tell about their favorite animal.
YouTube Headline:Listen carefully to the person who says they love dogs but dislike cats.
YouTube Headline:Ask them why, and their answer will tell you plainly about the traits they value in others, in themselves, and how they wish to be.
YouTube Headline:The best way to pose this question is as casually as possible.
YouTube Headline:Don’t make it seem like you’re grilling for a serious answer—ironically, this attitude will quickly reach past people’s defenses and have them blurting out information about themselves that can be incredibly meaningful.
YouTube Headline:What they tell you immediately after is important—whatever is top of their mind is the aspect of themselves they likely see as most important, most relevant or most fixed.
YouTube Headline:For example, a person immediately tells you they’re a bear and needs no further prompting for them to explain to you why: they’re fierce, protect their loved ones and shouldn’t be messed with.
YouTube Headline:But if they didn’t choose a shark, could this mean that they also see themselves as having a bit of “cuddly” side to them, too?
YouTube Headline:On the surface, such questions can seem innocent and playful, but it’s this very simplicity that allows people to respond most honestly—as though to a Rorschach test.
YouTube Headline:Did they choose a carnivore or an herbivore?
YouTube Headline:A mythical animal?
YouTube Headline:A pest?
YouTube Headline:A domesticated animal or a wild, slightly dangerous one?
YouTube Headline:Such a question adds immense depth and color to your understanding of the person—and it does so in their own terms.
YouTube Headline:8.
YouTube Headline:What’s your favorite movie?
YouTube Headline:This is perhaps as obvious on the surface as the previous one, but many people don’t stop to truly think about the huge amounts of information they’re being offered when people share things like their favorite films.
YouTube Headline:With this question, people are really sharing with you the narratives and stories they’re drawn to, which in turn show you in a deep way what their inner moral universe looks like, how they think of the good and bad guys, or even how they envision their own grand story as it unfolds.
YouTube Headline:What is it about a particular film that they like?
YouTube Headline:Don’t simply assume that they identify with the main character—it may be the director or the genre itself that most powerful speaks to them.
YouTube Headline:And if someone answers, “Well, it’s a very obscure independent Polish film released in the early 40s.
YouTube Headline:I don’t expect you know anything about it,” you can infer a lot even though you’ve never heard of the film!
YouTube Headline:You can assume that this person values exclusivity and rarity, and likes to style themselves a connoisseur with excellent taste (i.e., what other people would identify as an infuriating hipster!).
YouTube Headline:Use the answer to this question along with other data you’re gathering.
YouTube Headline:What does it mean that the shy, skinny kid in the corner best loves a superhero film?
YouTube Headline:What would a retired Japanese mom see in a serious film about the slave trade in the deep south?
YouTube Headline:The person who tells you their favorite film is a comedy—does it mean anything that the comedy they choose is not a recent one, but one from decades past, that would have been popular when they were just a child?
YouTube Headline:9.
YouTube Headline:What would you rescue from a fire in your home?
YouTube Headline:You know the drill.
YouTube Headline:Your entire home is burning and you can only go in to fetch one single treasured item, no more.
YouTube Headline:This is another question that taps deeply into a person’s most fundamental values and priorities.
YouTube Headline:Maybe you had a particular person pegged as a pragmatic, almost emotionally-stunted person until they tell you they’d save a single book of poetry.
YouTube Headline:Crisis and emergency situations have a way of quickly cutting through the clutter of life.
YouTube Headline:People may appear a certain way right up until their backs are against the wall.
YouTube Headline:In the film Force Majeure, a family finds themselves facing a terrifying but brief threat—an oncoming avalanche.
YouTube Headline:In the few heated moments, the father fleas the scene, saving himself, while the mother stays with her children.
YouTube Headline:Though the danger passes and everyone is soon safe again, the rest of the movie explores what the father’s actions mean—did his knee-jerk response in the moment say something about what he really valued—i.e., himself, and not his family?
YouTube Headline:Try to understand not just what a person would save, but why.
YouTube Headline:A person who would quickly grab their pet cat before anything else is telling you that they value life more than inanimate possessions.
YouTube Headline:A person who grabs their passport is telling you that they see their freedom to move, their ability to travel, as a very special thing.
YouTube Headline:Similarly, someone who simply tells you they’d grab their wallet because they had all their money, cards and driver’s license in there is also telling you something important—that they are interpreting your question not in terms of values or hypotheticals, but as a literal and practical dilemma to be solved in the most logical way possible.
YouTube Headline:Very different from the person who boldly claims they would save an old photograph of their great-great-grandmother!
YouTube Headline:10.
YouTube Headline:What scares you most?
YouTube Headline:Many of the above questions are focused on values, principles, priorities, desires.
YouTube Headline:But of course, you can also learn a lot about a person by what they actively avoid, detest and fear.
YouTube Headline:This tells you not only what they do value, but also how they see themselves.
YouTube Headline:After all, it makes sense that you would fear the thing you most felt unable to protect yourself against, or the thing that you felt was most harmful to you personally.
YouTube Headline:This can yield enormous amounts of insight into how a person sees their own strengths and limitations.
YouTube Headline:Someone who says “spiders” is going to have a very different psychological makeup than someone who claims, “early onset dementia, where I gradually forget who I am and the faces of everyone I used to love.” Fears are often a door to people’s most firmly held principles—a person who is extremely morally-inclined and driven by justice and fairness might fear serial-killers, psychopaths or even demonic supernatural entities.
YouTube Headline:On the other hand, fears can also tell you what that person thinks of their ability to handle adversity or suffering.
YouTube Headline:The person who fears rejection, abandonment and criticism is telling you that in their world, psychological harm is more serious than physical harm.
YouTube Headline:Likewise, what would you infer about someone who unflinchingly tells you, “I’m not scared of anything”?
YouTube Headline:Putting your questions into context
YouTube Headline:201 00:23:07,520 --> 00:23:20,800 Recall that the idea is to gather as much information as possible but also as many different kinds of information, so that we can find broad patterns that help us understand people more deeply.
YouTube Headline:Your observations can help you refine targeted questions, and the response to those questions can then be interpreted given the context.
YouTube Headline:Like a scientist, you are testing a provisional theory about the person both with observations and with mini “experiments” (i.e.
YouTube Headline:questions).
YouTube Headline:Before we move onto the next section, there are a few additional things to observe and question, which can help you enrich your working model and better understand the other person.
YouTube Headline:One method has been called “thin slicing” which is using small amounts of data to make accurate assessments.
YouTube Headline:Snap decisions based on thin slicing can be surprisingly accurate.
YouTube Headline:A good technique is to trust your initial unconscious reactions (intuition) but supplement this with more deliberate observations after the fact.
YouTube Headline:Note the words people use in their texts and e-mails, for example their use of pronouns, active/passive voice, swearing, accent, word choice and so on.
YouTube Headline:Note how they respond to your emails, which are a form of question.
YouTube Headline:Also note how emotionally charged someone’s responses are, and if this amount is appropriate to the context they are used in.
YouTube Headline:For example, using overly negative language in seemingly benign situations can be an indicator of bad mental health or low self-esteem.
YouTube Headline:Read a person’s home and possessions like you would their body language and voice: examine the closedness or openness of a home to determine sociability, for example.
YouTube Headline:Notice what there is an excess of and what is conspicuously lacking in the spaces one occupies frequently.
YouTube Headline:Personal possessions can make identity claims, can speak to the way a person regulates their own emotions, or can be evidence of certain past behaviors or habits.
YouTube Headline:Use them to fine-tune your questions, for example, on seeing a date’s home and noticing that there’s nothing at all in the fridge, you could guess that the person isn’t very domestic, and then you could make an offhand comment like, “oh I’m a real homebody.
YouTube Headline:I love baking especially.
YouTube Headline:In my dreams I have my own cooking show!” Note that this isn’t even really a question..
YouTube Headline:220 00:25:46,800 --> 00:25:48,240 but it functions as one.
YouTube Headline:If the person responds by scoffing and pulling a disgusted microexpression, consider your theory confirmed!
YouTube Headline:Finally, you can also rely on people’s behavior online to discern what kind of person they are, albeit some caution is necessary here.
YouTube Headline:Pay attention to what kind of pictures people post and the emotions they convey, especially whether they are positive, neutral, or negative.
YouTube Headline:Note how people respond online to questions, attention or the lack of it.
YouTube Headline:Many people behave differently online when they believe they are anonymous – is there a big difference between this behavior and their public behavior?
YouTube Headline:Elicitation
YouTube Headline:228 00:26:34,000 --> 00:26:40,400 If none of the above work, that’s where the practice of elicitation comes in.
YouTube Headline:It is a type of directed questioning that uses a specific conversational style to subtly encourage people to share and speak more.
YouTube Headline:It was originally developed by the Federal Bureau of Investigation (FBI) for use during interrogations, but quickly began to be used by corporate spies to obtain confidential information from competitors.
YouTube Headline:Its origins will probably give you pause; isn’t this exactly the type of sneaky, underhanded, and manipulative stuff that we want to avoid?
YouTube Headline:We can see it that way, but in reality, all of these techniques can be used for both good and evil.
YouTube Headline:The techniques themselves are neutral and are a result of taking a look into the human psyche.
YouTube Headline:And remember, we already engage in many sneaky tactics to make people like us—they’re just more socially acceptable ones, like wearing makeup or making our job positions sound more significant than they really are.
YouTube Headline:Elicitation is about understanding the rules that human behavior follows, and then finding clever ways to use those to your advantage.
YouTube Headline:Elicitation, when done right, won’t feel like an interrogation.
YouTube Headline:To use elicitation, you make a statement that plays on the other person’s desire to respond for a variety of reasons.
YouTube Headline:The other person will feel driven to respond, even if they had no prior interest in engaging.
YouTube Headline:They will almost feel like they have no choice, or as though they are choosing to respond from their own free will rather than as a response to anything you’ve said.
YouTube Headline:As with so many of the other tactics discussed in this book, the art is in being subtle.
YouTube Headline:You need to learn to read between the lines.
YouTube Headline:A direct question will not always get an answer; thus, it becomes important to ask indirect questions to encourage opening up.
YouTube Headline:Here is an example of how elicitation works.
YouTube Headline:You are trying to plan a surprise party for someone, so you need to know his schedule, his friends’ contact information, and his food and drink preferences.
YouTube Headline:Of course, you can’t ask him for this information directly.
YouTube Headline:So how might you indirectly obtain this information from him?
YouTube Headline:You might say, “I’m going to buy a grape soda.
YouTube Headline:Do you want one?” This will seem like a random, harmless question, but it can show you his drink preferences when he replies, “Is there root beer?” or, “Sure, grape is fine.”
YouTube Headline:250 00:29:14,120 --> 00:29:19,840 Then you can go on to ask, “My friend is looking for someone to help move.
YouTube Headline:Are you available weeknights at 6 p.m.?” He just might tell you his work schedule as a result: “I’m usually off work at 7 p.m., so I can’t help out, sorry.”
YouTube Headline:253 00:29:31,920 --> 00:29:52,760 For a friend’s contact, you can say, “Hey, is Josh’s phone number 555-5695?” Here, you are intentionally asking him about an incorrect number, which will prompt him to correct it for you: “No, his phone number is actually 555-3958.”
YouTube Headline:255 00:29:52,760 --> 00:29:59,240 You’ve now obtained three essential pieces of information through indirect means.
YouTube Headline:What’s important here is that you’ve not once aroused any suspicion from your friend, who likely has no clue that you were seeking the kind of information you were.
YouTube Headline:Your goal is to encourage people to volunteer the information on their own, with the smallest and most invisible of prompts.
YouTube Headline:Ellen Naylor in her 2016 book Win/Loss Analysis wrote about six specific elicitation techniques to get people talking.
YouTube Headline:Let’s take a closer look.
YouTube Headline:Recognition.
YouTube Headline:Human beings are social animals.
YouTube Headline:We’re built for spotting and connecting with people who are like us—we can’t help it.
YouTube Headline:This instinct makes us desire approval and acknowledgment, which you can use to effortlessly encourage people to open up.
YouTube Headline:The idea is simple: people thrive when you recognize something good about them.
YouTube Headline:People cannot help but respond to compliments or kind observations—the more accurate and unusual your observation, the better.
YouTube Headline:Mention, “I love your sweater,” and you will get a story about how the wearer obtained the sweater.
YouTube Headline:Mention, “You are very thorough,” and you will get a story about how the person went to military school and learned to be thorough at all times.
YouTube Headline:If you are smart about it, you can pay compliments in a more strategic way.
YouTube Headline:If you are subtly trying to get a person to confess to their real opinion on a subject, you might say something like, “I love how forthright and honest you always are.
YouTube Headline:You speak your mind, and that’s a rare thing these days!” You may just nudge them to open up and share what they’re really thinking.
YouTube Headline:They may have been tight-lipped before, but any chance to enhance praise is welcome—people will usually respond according to the positive feedback they’re given, demonstrating the very trait you’ve observed, or telling you more about their values and beliefs.
YouTube Headline:People have a natural desire to feel recognized and appreciated, so give them an opening to show off a little, or even tell you something you might never have been told if you asked directly.
YouTube Headline:Simply show appreciation to someone and compliment them.
YouTube Headline:Even if you don’t glean some fascinating bit of information from them, you’ll still strengthen rapport and learn a little more about them.
YouTube Headline:If you say to a woman, “You’re absolutely beautiful!
YouTube Headline:You look like Grace Kelly,” and she responds negatively, you know that she doesn’t value appearances all that much.
YouTube Headline:Next time round, subtly compliment her intelligence, kindness, or humor, and compare the response.
YouTube Headline:This is similar to recognition; people rarely turn down an opportunity to explain their accomplishments, and they rarely shy away from talking about themselves if asked in the right way.
YouTube Headline:Complaining.
YouTube Headline:This technique works with something else fundamental to human beings: how much we love to complain!
YouTube Headline:It’s easy to get someone to open up by giving them something to commiserate with.
YouTube Headline:Not only will you strengthen the rapport between you and keep things warm and casual, but you’ll bond over a “shared enemy” and learn more about the other person.
YouTube Headline:It’s simple.
YouTube Headline:You complain first, and they will jump at the opportunity to join you.
YouTube Headline:If they don’t join in, they might open up the other way by feeling compelled to defend what you are complaining about.
YouTube Headline:Either way, you’ve opened them up and learned more about what they care about and who they are.
YouTube Headline:You might tell someone at work, “I hate these long hours without overtime pay,” and he will agree and go into more detail about how he needs money from not being paid enough.
YouTube Headline:This may lead him to disclose more about his home life and how many kids he has and marital issues he has related to finances.
YouTube Headline:It may also lead him to defend the long hours.
YouTube Headline:Either way, you have more information now.
YouTube Headline:The key to this technique is creating a safe environment for people to brag, complain, or show other raw emotion.
YouTube Headline:The exact topic of the complaint is irrelevant—rather, it’s the act of getting people to let their guard down so they can reveal these more genuine emotions.
YouTube Headline:If you complain first, you create a judgment-free zone.
YouTube Headline:You lower your guard a little first.
YouTube Headline:They don’t feel like they will get in trouble with you.
YouTube Headline:In fact, they may feel that sharing in kind is simply the polite thing to do, and won’t even feel as though they are sharing about themselves at all.
YouTube Headline:You don’t have to complain to kickstart this; just express your own negative emotions, vulnerabilities, or disappointments.
YouTube Headline:“So they say it’s going to snow this weekend?
YouTube Headline:Can you believe it?
YouTube Headline:I guess I can put my flip flops away for the time being .
YouTube Headline:.
YouTube Headline:.”
YouTube Headline:304 00:35:08,080 --> 00:35:10,640 “Aw, it’s not so bad!
YouTube Headline:In our house, we call it a duvet day.
YouTube Headline:You know—pajamas and something trashy on TV.”
YouTube Headline:308 00:35:17,360 --> 00:35:20,840 “Don’t tell me you watch trashy TV!”
YouTube Headline:310 00:35:20,840 --> 00:35:23,880 “Ah, well, actually .
YouTube Headline:.
YouTube Headline:.”
YouTube Headline:314 00:35:23,880 --> 00:35:32,400 In just a few exchanges, you’re instantly talking about this person’s private home life and their personal taste in TV.
YouTube Headline:Much smoother than simply asking, “So, uh, what kind of TV do you watch?”
YouTube Headline:317 00:35:38,720 --> 00:35:41,360 Correction.
YouTube Headline:The next thing that people really love?
YouTube Headline:People love to be right.
YouTube Headline:When you think about it, this is truly the backbone of any internet argument—it carries on because each party wants to “win.” It’s not one of humanity’s finest habits, true, but the impulse to jump in and put someone right when you know they’re wrong is a powerful and irresistible one.
YouTube Headline:In other words, if you want people to open up and start talking with emotion, do it by getting them a little riled about something!
YouTube Headline:If you say something wrong, most people will gladly jump at the chance to correct you.
YouTube Headline:If you give people an opportunity to flex their ego, most will seize it happily.
YouTube Headline:They won’t stop there, though—you can also expect to be given a little extra information, too.
YouTube Headline:Notice what specific things the other person seems defensive and passionate about.
YouTube Headline:What does it mean that they don’t care if you’re wrong about the spelling of a particular word, but will get out the pitchfork if you say something untrue about a mutual friend?
YouTube Headline:Basically, what does their desire to correct, and their correction itself, tell you about their values and personality?
YouTube Headline:An easy way to practice this technique is to state something you know to be obviously incorrect to see if they will step in and break their silence.
YouTube Headline:See if they can resist this primal urge.
YouTube Headline:The great thing about this is that the other person will certainly not feel coerced or pushed in any way.
YouTube Headline:Instead, they will feel that they are happily supplying information of their own accord.
YouTube Headline:Imagine a sulky child who won’t open up and tell you about what’s happened at school that day, although you know something happened.
YouTube Headline:The more you ask, the more they clam up.
YouTube Headline:“Well, that’s fine.
YouTube Headline:You don’t have to tell me about what happened.
YouTube Headline:It’s just strange because I know how much you love Tuesdays because it’s PE class, and that’s your favorite.”
YouTube Headline:338 00:37:46,160 --> 00:37:47,400 “What?
YouTube Headline:It’s not my favorite!
YouTube Headline:I hate PE.
YouTube Headline:And I hate Mrs.
YouTube Headline:343 00:37:51,840 --> 00:37:52,560 Wheeler.”
YouTube Headline:345 00:37:52,560 --> 00:37:53,920 “Mrs.
YouTube Headline:Wheeler?
YouTube Headline:She’s that awesome teacher who all the kids love, though, isn’t she?”
YouTube Headline:349 00:37:58,760 --> 00:37:59,680 “No.
YouTube Headline:She isn’t.
YouTube Headline:She’s horrible, and today she called me stupid in front of the whole class .
YouTube Headline:.
YouTube Headline:.”
YouTube Headline:355 00:38:05,560 --> 00:38:08,600 Naïveté.
YouTube Headline:In the same vein as the above, many people can’t help speaking up when they believe that someone is not wrong exactly, but merely trying to understand, and it’s their job to clear things up for them.
YouTube Headline:This principle is used to great effect in what’s commonly called the “Columbo technique,” which we’ll look at in a later chapter.
YouTube Headline:But to be clear, this does not mean acting stupid; it simply means acting like you’re on the cusp of understanding—and you’ll cross that cusp with just a little more explanation from the other person.
YouTube Headline:Most people love to feel right, and they love to advise, teach, or show the way.
YouTube Headline:Acting naïve makes people feel compelled to teach, instruct, and show off their knowledge to you.
YouTube Headline:People just can’t resist enlightening you, especially if you’re ninety-five percent of the way there and all people have to do is figuratively finish your sentence.
YouTube Headline:“I understand most of this theory, but there’s just this one thing I’m unclear on.
YouTube Headline:It could mean so many things .
YouTube Headline:.
YouTube Headline:.” People won’t be able to resist jumping in.
YouTube Headline:You could frame your confusion as a subtle question, or leave it open-ended so the other person feels compelled to resolve the issue for you.
YouTube Headline:Use phrases like:
YouTube Headline:369 00:39:33,400 --> 00:39:37,000 “Okay, so just to get this clear .
YouTube Headline:.
YouTube Headline:.”
YouTube Headline:373 00:39:37,000 --> 00:39:43,680 “Have I got that right?” (Said after something that isn’t wrong, just incomplete.)
YouTube Headline:“So I know that A is the case, and I know about B, and I can see C, but I’m not seeing the next step.” (Said when you want the other person to open up about D.)
YouTube Headline:376 00:39:58,800 --> 00:40:02,560 Shift the window.
YouTube Headline:This technique is a little more dramatic than the others, and may take a bit more practice, or otherwise being more familiar with the person in question.
YouTube Headline:This is where you say something slightly outrageous that you know won’t be answered, then pretend like you didn’t bring it up.
YouTube Headline:Why does this work?
YouTube Headline:Does it even work?
YouTube Headline:It works because you have put something out there to dramatically change the tone of the conversation, but then quickly taken it back so it doesn’t officially count anymore.
YouTube Headline:Of course, you have said it, and they have heard it.
YouTube Headline:The “window” in this case can be thought of as a conversational frame or reference point.
YouTube Headline:You might be having a very serious, guarded conversation with someone, but want to switch the frame, let’s say to a more informal, warm, and open one.
YouTube Headline:You can do this by deliberately speaking outside of your current frame, but then backtracking a little or simply leaving your statement or question there to do its work.
YouTube Headline:Think of it as a cumulative effect—when you do this a couple of times, these are the types of questions people will engage with and answer even if they were ice cold beforehand.
YouTube Headline:You haven’t actually committed a faux pas per se, but you’ve shifted the boundaries of the conversation.
YouTube Headline:It’s a good combination that can get people to lower their guards without them even realizing it, and eventually their window of what they feel is appropriate to be shared can shift and widen.
YouTube Headline:This technique is most commonly seen when people are flirting.
YouTube Headline:Typically, strangers meet one another in a guarded or neutral frame, and the task of the person flirting is to gently nudge this frame to something different entirely.
YouTube Headline:It may take forever if you simply wait for this to happen naturally.
YouTube Headline:But if you throw in a few comments or questions that encourage a different frame, you can gently push the direction of the conversation elsewhere.
YouTube Headline:What’s important, though, is that you are never forcing the other person to respond to these frame shifts.
YouTube Headline:Make a subtle shift, and then pull back and watch for the effect.
YouTube Headline:If there is no active resistance or a forceful attempt to regain the previous frame, you can wait a little and try to push a little further next time.
YouTube Headline:Imagine a conversation where someone is trying to subtly communicate their interest in the other person, and figure out if there is any interest in return.
YouTube Headline:During an ordinary conversation about something unrelated, this person may slip in a few frame-shifting comments and questions like:
YouTube Headline:399 00:42:38,920 --> 00:42:41,000 “What a great idea.
YouTube Headline:You see?
YouTube Headline:That’s why you’re my favorite.”
YouTube Headline:403 00:42:43,640 --> 00:42:46,640 “What do you think of this shirt, though?
YouTube Headline:You’re a fashion forward kind of person; would you date someone who wore a shirt like this?”
YouTube Headline:406 00:42:52,440 --> 00:42:55,200 “Oh, don’t say that!
YouTube Headline:And here I thought we had a little thing going.”
YouTube Headline:409 00:42:58,200 --> 00:43:14,000 Subtle frame shifts can also be used by therapists who are trying to shift an avoidant client around to discussing difficult feelings, or by anyone who wants to gently broach a delicate topic, like money.
YouTube Headline:“I’ve noticed we’ve been carefully avoiding talking about this issue with your mother .
YouTube Headline:.
YouTube Headline:.”
YouTube Headline:414 00:43:20,000 --> 00:43:30,480 Even if the other person doesn’t respond to this invitation to shift frames, they will have heard what you said, and may, in time, come around.
YouTube Headline:Given minutes after this comment, for example, a reluctant person may randomly tell their therapist, “I know I keep avoiding talking about her.
YouTube Headline:I guess I’m feeling pretty uncomfortable right now.”
YouTube Headline:418 00:43:44,200 --> 00:43:47,600 Silence.
YouTube Headline:This last technique may not seem like the others, but in many cases, it can be the most powerful of all.
YouTube Headline:Here, we have to counter our own innate tendency to talk all the time and control the conversation.
YouTube Headline:Instead, simply give people space to speak.
YouTube Headline:Stop talking, and allow a quiet moment to open up inside the conversation.
YouTube Headline:When you take a step back, people will feel compelled to take a step forward and break the awkward tension.
YouTube Headline:We have all been taught that it’s “our turn” to speak in conversations when the other person stops and goes silent.
YouTube Headline:If you signal that you expect someone to speak and are waiting for them, they may open their mouths to meet your expectations, just to keep the dialogue going.
YouTube Headline:They might not immediately tell you what you want to know, but at least they’re talking again.
YouTube Headline:On the other hand, some people may be holding back because they feel unsure or don’t want to be judged.
YouTube Headline:They may literally just need the time it takes to gather their thoughts and speak through them.
YouTube Headline:If the other person is continually talking, they may feel like they never get the chance.
YouTube Headline:Again, it’s about being subtle and encouraging people to talk to you on their terms.
YouTube Headline:You can try any of the techniques above and end them with a moment of silence to give the other person a full chance to respond.
YouTube Headline:If you talk too much yourself, or jump in immediately after you’ve made a comment or question, the other person might sense that you have an agenda and that you’re trying to dominate the conversation—and clam up.
YouTube Headline:Instead, use silence to communicate a few things: that you’re listening (non-judgmentally), that you’re interested in what they have to say, and that you are in effect waiting for them to say it.
YouTube Headline:A silence is like an invitation.
YouTube Headline:It’s like asking the other person, “What do you want to fill this with?”
YouTube Headline:437 00:45:51,320 --> 00:45:54,880 Notice the other person’s body language.
YouTube Headline:The worst thing you can do is blurt out something just as they were about to speak.
YouTube Headline:One way to hold silences is not to just sit and watch the other person expectantly, but rather make it comfortable.
YouTube Headline:Make it seem like you are happy to talk, but also okay with not talking.
YouTube Headline:Communicate with your tone of voice and body language that you are not especially invested in them saying anything—but that you are there should they decide to say it!
YouTube Headline:This takes the pressure off them and makes it easier for them to speak up.
YouTube Headline:To conclude, asking questions and eliciting information are best practiced alongside more passive observation techniques.
YouTube Headline:If you observe something interesting, think of a question to pose to help you focus in on that observation and gain more insight.
YouTube Headline:Working in tandem, observation and elicitation are like the active and passive poles of the same process.
YouTube Headline:When they both inform and guide one another, you will be orders of magnitude more effective at extracting information than if you’d used either one on its own.
YouTube Headline:Takeaways
YouTube Headline:449 00:47:11,640 --> 00:47:22,360 • Asking questions is an active way to deliberately elicit information from a person, but they need to be targeted and not too obvious.
YouTube Headline:A few seemingly casual hypothetical questions can reveal a person’s deeper values, perspectives and goals, for example asking what their favorite movie is, what they would save from a fire, or what animal they see themselves as.
YouTube Headline:• Analyze the answers to these questions cautiously, and remember to place everything in context.
YouTube Headline:Note how they answer, not just the content, and also not what isn’t said.
YouTube Headline:Use extrapolation to draw conclusions about what their answers say about them in a more general sense.
YouTube Headline:• Questions needs to be iterative and responsive to the context and the answers you’ve already received.
YouTube Headline:Also think about behavior online and in emails, or “read” a person’s possessions or home the way you would their body language.
YouTube Headline:Use these observations to guide your questions.
YouTube Headline:• Elicitation is more deliberate still, and uses a string of guiding questions to lead a person to give you precisely the information you’re looking for, without it seeming that you are.
YouTube Headline:• Developed originally by the FBI, these techniques are really just ways to carefully work around conversational and societal norms to your advantage.
YouTube Headline:They are effective because they work with human being’s natural social and behavioral tendencies.
YouTube Headline:• For example, one tendency is towards recognition, or social connection.
YouTube Headline:Use compliments or accurate observations to foster a rapport with someone or strengthen your connection.
YouTube Headline:• You can also elicit information by encouraging people to complain, and in doing so, reveal something previously hidden, or else tap into the human need to correct someone’s error.
YouTube Headline:Sued skillfully, most people cannot resist joining in on a complaining session or correcting an “error” you make.
YouTube Headline:• Playing dumb or using naivete or ignorance will also encourage some people to try to educate you, and share vital information, especially since you will seem so non-threatening.
YouTube Headline:• Finally, one technique is to say something quite dramatic to “shift the window” and then act as though nothing has happened; subtly, you may well elicit a revealing response.
YouTube Headline:Silence can also be used effectively, since it encourages people to fill the gap with the information you want to know.
YouTube Headline:Hey there listeners!
YouTube Headline:We've reached the end of another insightful episode and I hope you're feeling inspired to delve deeper into the art of conversation and human connection.
YouTube Headline:In this episode, we explored Patrick King's book, 'How to Extract Info, Secrets, and Truth', which offers a fascinating guide on how to uncover people's true thoughts and intentions.
YouTube Headline:The key takeaway?
YouTube Headline:Asking questions is powerful, but it's an art to do so in a way that feels natural and not too forced.
YouTube Headline:By asking the right hypothetical questions, you can gain insight into someone's values, perspectives, and goals.
YouTube Headline:It's about reading between the lines and paying attention to both what is said and unsaid.
YouTube Headline:The book also highlights how body language, online behavior, and even possessions can offer clues to guide your questioning.
YouTube Headline:Techniques like elicitation, which involves a strategic series of questions, can lead people to reveal exactly what you want to know without them realizing it.
YouTube Headline:These methods were developed by the FBI but are applicable in everyday life too!
YouTube Headline:It's all about understanding human behavior and using it to your advantage while respecting social norms.
YouTube Headline:Remember, building rapport through compliments or accurate observations can go a long way.
YouTube Headline:Encouraging people to complain or correct you can also be an effective way to uncover hidden information.
YouTube Headline:And don't underestimate the power of playing dumb - it can make people feel like experts and encourage them to share their knowledge with you.
YouTube Headline:Finally, King suggests using dramatic statements or even silence as tools to elicit a response.
YouTube Headline:These techniques create a shift in the conversation dynamic and can lead to some pretty revealing moments!
YouTube Headline:So there you have it folks - a whole new toolkit of conversational strategies to try out.
YouTube Headline:Remember, every interaction is an opportunity for connection and growth.
YouTube Headline:Stay curious, stay open-minded, and keep learning about those around you.
YouTube Headline:As Mark Twain once said, "The art of conversation lies in listening."
YouTube Headline:So go forth and listen, observe, and connect with intent!
YouTube Headline:Until next time, happy conversing!
