Turning On The Charm: Principles Of Self-Disclosure

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,: 2024

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Does it feel like you’ve just been invited into a new, hidden room you didn’t know about before? Or perhaps does it feel like you have just “graduated” in this person’s eyes and have now been granted a new status as a slightly closer friend than you were just a minute ago? This is the power of self-disclosure. Now think about any people in your life who you like and who seem to like you, but with whom you somehow never feel like you’re progressing. Maybe it feels like they’re always a little at arm’s length, and you’re alienated or disconnected from them. Many friendships stall at this stage, especially friendships between men. Why? Because the next level is one that can only be accessed by an increase in intimacy—and both sides are too afraid to take that next step.

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As a result, the two remain mere acquaintances, both secretly wishing there was more but not willing to risk going first! If this sounds familiar, you might need a masterclass in the power of self-disclosure. If you’ve spent a lot of your life having difficulty with socializing, low self-esteem, or introversion, then much of your focus has probably been on minimizing the costs and risks of reaching out to people, on paying attention to yourself and how you come across, and on making sure that you’re “saying all the right things” (see the previous chapter!). What you can miss on your mission to improve your social skills is the understanding that vulnerability is essential for human connection. This is important—Being a little exposed, being human, and being your unique and flawed self are not impediments to making friends; they are actually one of the ways we most firmly connect with one another. If you are determined to always be cool, calm, collected, and in total control, people may like and respect you ...but it may still feel like there’s something missing. The stakes are too low. A deeper connection never takes root.

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Self-disclosure is when we intentionally share personal information about ourselves that other people wouldn’t know unless we consciously chose to tell them. In other words, it’s a choice, and depending on what we share, we invite more intimacy, more trust, and more authenticity. When you share something real about yourself, you also invite the other person to do the same, and that’s how friendships develop and grow. Without the authenticity and bravery that comes with self-disclosure, you could stay trapped in Banter Land forever, like two comedians bouncing off one another but never quite connecting. Self-disclosure has a few features. It can vary in - Intensity. “I love cheese” is a self-disclosure on one end of the spectrum, whereas “I have a long-standing fear of being visible and seen for who I am because I’m afraid people will judge me” is right the way over on the other end. Frequency also matters—i.e., constantly “spilling your guts” versus sharing tiny tidbits only very rarely.

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Effectiveness and Appropriateness. The extent to which sharing has actually created more intimacy and understanding, or how fitting the disclosure was to the conversation at hand. Is there a high reward associated with disclosing? Or is it the kind of thing that may be hit and miss? Quality. Is what you’re disclosing actually true? What kind of picture does it paint of the person you are? What does it say about the other person, your relationship with them, and what you want the relationship to be?

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We’ve used the word “authenticity,” but the truth is that self-disclosure is transactional and one of many social skills rather than a complete abandonment of the usual social norms. Transactional isn’t a bad thing, though! Think about a good friend you currently have, and try to remember what the process of getting to know them better was like. Chances are, you both took tiny and incremental steps to reveal more and more about yourselves. One day you dipped a toe in and confessed that you actually hated the class you both took. A little later they admitted that they were struggling too. A year on and you were sharing a little more private information about your relationships, your flaws, your hopes and dreams. They struggled with alcohol; you had an embarrassing dream to write a musical.

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Fast forward ten years and you’ve divulged the bigger secrets. Even when these disclosures have caused friction in the past, ultimately they led to a deepening of the sense of closeness. The important thing is that, on the whole, disclosure has remained reciprocal and balanced. It is transactional because every time someone self-discloses, they are taking a risk. They are making a bet on that disclosure paying off, and hoping that you respond in kind and that the risk was worth the increased closeness. When you acknowledge and reciprocate, the “debt” is paid and you both now occupy a new, more intimate level of friendship. This is why so many companies do those cheesy “trust falls” with their employees during team-building workshops—they know that mutual risk creates trust. A real connection is one in which people have invested something of themselves, even if that’s just something tiny at first.

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You can probably see the problem - If disclosure is absent or unbalanced, proper connections cannot form. If neither person ever discloses, or if disclosure is uneven, the transactional part of the process breaks down. Self-disclosure is valuable because it is risky. That means the best strategy is not to bare your soul indiscriminately or get too deep and serious with someone you barely know. On the one hand, never sharing yourself can leave you isolated, but on the other, there’s good reason why people can be hesitant to open up. Self-disclosure isn’t always a good idea and should be avoided when - •The topic is genuinely taboo, or it’s inappropriate for that particular relationship. For example, sharing your sexual fantasies with your elderly mother-in-law. •The disclosure is too much for the person, situation, or context involved.

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For example, you’re at a celebratory party and you tell someone about your gruesome childhood abuse. •While “true,” the topic doesn’t actually need to be shared, and doing so doesn’t increase authenticity or let people know more about who you are. For example, confessing that you pick your nose (!). •The disclosure can cause serious harm or destruction. This is the realm of secrets and dirty laundry. This is not the kind of thing you share to create trust, but rather the thing you share only once one hundred percent trust is already established. For example, disclosing an affair or confessing to a serious crime. •The disclosure is not yours to share.

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reene, Derlega & Mathews,: 2006

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Too little and people lose interest, and everything feels shallow. Too much oversharing and you freak people out or cross boundaries. Just the right amount, though, and you find that sweet spot where friendship blossoms. Four Easy Self-Disclosure Rules. Rule 1 - Match your self-disclosure to theirs. Keep things symmetrical. Sure, someone has to break the ice and go first, but that’s why you keep disclosures small when you’re just getting to know someone - If they don’t reciprocate, you haven’t lost anything. Rule 2 - Gradually increase intensity.

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Not every relationship has to become “more.". But if you do feel ready to move a friendship along to the next level, then dial things up gradually. Use disclosures like gear changes. There is an art to gauging exactly when to drop one in, but use your gut. If you feel like the conversation is stagnating and both of you are wanting it to move again, it could be time for a self-disclosure. You could tentatively offer a new opinion or share something about yourself they might be surprised by—just a small thing. Then pause and note their reaction. •If they ask questions and stay present, great, but don’t push any further.

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•If they pull back or end the conversation, that’s your sign that they were comfortable where you were. No big deal. •If they share something in return, consider this a positive sign—they want to progress too and are willing to reciprocate. Whatever you choose, self-disclosures should feel seamless and fairly natural, rather than abrupt tone shifts. Never say something that you can’t plausibly deny if it’s very badly received! Rule 3 - Be positive. In all this talk of baring your soul and confessing secrets, you could be forgiven for thinking that self-disclosure is always slightly humiliating and gut-wrenching—not at all! Self-disclosure can also be about hopes and dreams that are close to your heart, or even positive thoughts and feelings about the other person.

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Tell people about the achievements you’re proud of, or what you’re looking forward to. Sharing your values and what’s important to you can be inspirational and help foster connections that feel positive and healthy. That said, you can also share “negative” things in a positive way. The trick is to remind yourself why you’re sharing in the first place—to increase connection and trust. If you share an embarrassing secret about yourself but do so in a self-deprecating and humorous way, you ensure that the other person doesn’t feel that the secret is a burden or something unpleasant they have to process. Self-disclosure is not “dumping” heavy or difficult material in people’s laps in the name of authenticity. We don’t want to make them feel depressed or sorry for us. We’re not complaining.

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Rather, we want to make them think “Oh, wow. This person is human, just like me. And they must really trust me to share that. I like that." A good rule of thumb is to share only positive things at first and save the dark and difficult stuff for much later on—if you decide you need to share it at all. The bigger the disclosure, the better it is to err on the side of too late rather than too early; likewise, the more serious it is, the better it is to prepare to disclose rather than just blurt something out in the moment. A premature disclosure of this kind can make things very weird very fast. Mini Self-Disclosures.

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The most effective kind of self-disclosure is the one that only slightly pushes the current state of affairs toward more intimacy. Look at where you are and then imagine just gently pushing on the current limit of how close you are to the other person. This is a mini-disclosure, and when done at the right time, it is more powerful than a gnarly heart-to-heart conducted when everyone’s had a bit too much to drink! Here are some examples - . 1. You’ve hung out with a new friend group a few times, but one day you say to them, “To be honest, I’m a little down and not really feeling it today, and I think I’ll join you all on the next one!". You make this self-disclosure rather than coming up with an obvious excuse. 2. A colleague at work whom you’ve known a long time has asked you to look after their cat while they rush to visit their dying father in the hospital. You acknowledge their disclosure by making one of your own - “Oh, please don’t worry about it.

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Last year when my mother died, I didn’t know whether I was coming or going! I understand. Let me know what I can do to help." 3. You’re on a date and order some food. The “getting to know you” phase is going well and there’s a good vibe. You say, “I’ve been vegetarian for, like, twenty years now.". You don’t say more; you just wait to see their response—are they curious about your motivations? Do they share a little something about themselves?

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Or just yawn and start talking about something else? 4. You and your spouse are having a hard time. You sit them down and say, “Okay, look. I need to get this off my chest. I don’t like the way you’ve been talking to me lately.". You’ve been married for years, but this broaches a new, somewhat scary topic you’ve both been avoiding for a while. 5. You’re on a moonlit beach, walking hand in hand with an amazing person you met six months ago. They’ve shared a bit more about their background, their past, their hopes and dreams for the future.

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You say, “I don’t really know how to say this ...but I think I’m falling in love with you." Each of the above disclosures varies in intensity and content. But each of them has a good chance of being effective because they only push the present situation a tiny bit further. How to Respond to Someone Else’s Disclosure. Now that you know the purpose self-disclosure serves, you can probably see how important it is to respond properly when someone offers you one. Usually, people do this in a bid to create more intimacy and closeness. It’s an invitation. But don’t feel that just because you’ve been given that invitation, you have to accept it.

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If you do, make sure that at some point you then disclose something of equal emotional weight, or else ask questions to show that you are indeed willing to push the edge of your current intimacy a tiny bit further. If you don’t necessarily want to be closer to someone, respond to their disclosure with polite respect, but don’t reciprocate. If you find yourself with a chronic oversharer, set any boundaries you think are necessary and keep conversations factual and distant. Chunking up or down questions can help create distance here! Recognize the risk that people take in sharing, however, and honor it, even if you don’t want to return it. Put it into practice - Now it’s your turn. We’ve discussed storytelling, witty banter, and self-disclosure. The first thing to do for this exercise is to honestly ask which of these three is most out of your comfort zone.

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Then, set a small goal for yourself to practice precisely that skill. If you’re nervous about storytelling, for example, challenge yourself to prepare a joke or interesting story, and then practice delivering it using the techniques mentioned here. If self-disclosure is difficult for you, pick a person you’d like to create more intimacy with and ask how you can use self-disclosure to deepen your intimacy level just a tiny bit more. If you find yourself falling flat with witty banter, for example, try to insert more sarcasm or self-deprecation into your next, say, three conversations. How does it feel? turning on your charm. Until next time, stay social.