Tools Of The Charming
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00:01:34 Talk WITH people and not TO them.
00:03:07 Dr. Karl Albrecht in Psychology Today
00:15:53 Sustain Conversations with Conversational Threading and Useful Acronyms
00:22:50 Useful Conversational Acronyms The acronym HPM
00:25:17 Another useful acronym is EDR
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• Having charm and charisma is not about you. It’s about the other person and making them feel heard, liked, and supported.
• Dr. Albrecht explains that conversations contain three elements: declaratives, questions, and qualifiers. The rule of three tells us that we should not have three declarative statements in a row and should instead mix it up with a question or a qualifier.
• It’s not really about the content of what you say but the emotional implications and the energy in how you say it.
• Conversational threading is a technique that will help you ensure you never run out of things to say. Listen to what the other person says, pick out a few noteworthy threads, then run with one of them. When the conversation dries up, return to these threads and pick up another one and follow that instead. Be patient, ask open-ended questions, and listen for emotions.
• Being a good everyday conversationalist is about being open-minded, spontaneous, and genuine. Keep things flowing!
#Albrecht #CasualConversation #Communication #ConversationalAcronyms #ConversationalNarcissist #ConversationalThreading #DeclarativeStatements #DepthTechniques #DrKarlAlbrecht #EDR #EmotionDetailRestatement #EverydayConversations #HPM #RhetoricalQuestions #SkilledConversationalists #RussellNewton #NewtonMG #PatrickKing #PatrickKingConsulting #SocialSkillsCoaching
Transcript
And along those same lines, today is the ever anticipated Tear that Tags Off the Mattress Day. Our lunch menu, derived from today's holidays, is not the most nutritional, but it might be pretty enjoyable. Butterscotch brownies sided with Moscow bone petty. Today we return to communication skills training by Patrick King. Charm and charisma are the topic for today.
Speaker:And did you know it's possible to increase both of those attributes within ourselves? We'll look at several methods to do so, starting off with how to have better conversations with the rule of three. The rules for good communication are pretty basic. Talk WITH people and not TO them. Be present.
Speaker:Listen. Easy, huh? Yet somehow, almost all of us could stand to be better conversationalists. The irony is that nobody ever wakes up in the morning and says to themselves, “Today, I’m going to be a complete bore to talk to." Nobody wants to be that person who constantly one-ups everyone else, interrupts, or talks too much.
Speaker:Here’s a rule for good communication that you might not have considered: Having charm and charisma is not about you. It’s about the other person. So many of us embark on a mission to be more interesting and likeable in conversation, but just by having this attitude, we sabotage ourselves. Why? Because we have it backward.
Speaker:Being a great communicator is not about having other people listen to you, like you, or compliment you. It’s about you making other people feel heard, liked, and praised. The irony is that when we try too hard to be witty and impressive, our focus narrows down to our own egos, and we instantly become the opposite of what we’re hoping to be. The other person disappears, and we are engaging in what is, for all intents and purposes, a boring monologue. Lecture, consultant, author, and coach Dr. Karl Albrecht explained in Psychology Today that every conversation is made up of three key elements: 1. Declaratives 2. Questions 3. Qualifiers Declaratives are simply statements of fact—for example, “The sky is light blue."
Speaker:However, to make things more complicated, they aren’t always exactly facts, but opinions that are presented as though they are facts: “Light blue is too weak a color to wear to that job interview." Questions are self-explanatory (although this doesn’t include rhetorical questions that take the grammatical form of a question but are not literally asking the other person to respond—for example, “What is it with this weather today?”) Finally, qualifiers are something we’ve encountered already and include any words or phrases intended to soften or moderate what is being said. For example: “In my opinion ..." “I’m wondering if ..." “I could be wrong, but as far as I know ..."
Speaker:“I’m not speaking for everyone here, but ..." Qualifiers are also great at helping you express uncertainty or make a claim—but not too strongly. So instead of saying that light blue is a weak color, you could say it might be a slightly weak color. Instead of saying, “Freud was a pervert,” you say, “In my opinion, it may be the case that Freud in fact had a distorted sexuality." Now, Albrecht suggested what he calls the “rule of three."
Speaker:Simply, in a conversation, make sure that you are never making three declarative statements in a row. Instead, include plenty of questions or qualifiers (i.e., softer and more moderate declaratives) to give your speech a little more flexibility. Crucially, doing so will make sure that the conversation doesn’t become bogged down in ego and narcissism. A question is a way to bat the conversational ball over the net and to the other person, who is then invited to say what they want to before batting the ball back again. A modifier is halfway between a question and a declarative statement—you say what you want to say, but you leave a little room in there for someone else to add what they want to.
Speaker:There is nothing wrong with a declarative per se—but it is the sort of thing that closes off any avenues for connection (beyond bland agreement or outright disagreement, that is—both of which do not actually further the conversation). Try it, and you may be surprised at just how much more your conversations flow—and you’ll come across as more likeable, too. Understanding the rule of three means you won’t soon run out of things to say in any conversation. You can basically never go wrong if you a) ask a question or b) say whatever declarative statement you were just about to say but soften it a qualifier. Consider the following conversation: Person A: I’ve got this really bad shoulder pain ...
Speaker:the physiotherapist says it’s bursitis! Person B: Wow, bursitis? My grandmother had that last year. It’s more common than you think, you know. Person A: Yeah, well, it’s the first I’ve heard of it.
Speaker:Apparently, it was most likely caused by the Covid vaccine. Person B: Well, you have to consider all the possible causes—there are lots of things that could be to blame. It’s actually repetitive strain that causes most cases of bursitis. Person A: Sure, yeah. Anyway, my physiotherapist said it’s an injury that can happen when the needle is placed just slightly in the wrong place ...
Speaker:Person B: A lot of those people giving vaccines didn’t get the right training. Person A: Well, let me tell you, it hurts like hell! Person B: I’m sure. The best thing would be to have plenty of rest, I guess. Now take a look at the above conversation and ask yourself how much you like Person B.
Speaker:They are not being a conversational narcissist in the sense that it’s all me, me, me ... but somehow, their ego seems to loom large in the above exchange. Why? You’ll notice that everything that Person B says is a declarative statement. It gives the conversation a flat, dead feeling.
Speaker:After a declarative, there’s not much to do except agree, disagree, or stop talking. In the extreme, too many declaratives like this can actually make the person seem as though they are lecturing, preaching, or explaining ... i.e., it can feel very dull and even condescending! Let’s look at a different conversation: Person A: I’ve got this really bad shoulder pain ... the physiotherapist says it’s bursitis!
Speaker:Person C: Wow, bursitis? My grandmother had that last year. It’s more common than you think, you know. Person A: Yeah, well, it’s the first I’ve heard of it. Apparently, it was most likely caused by the Covid vaccine.
Speaker:Person C: Really? That’s interesting. Do you mean you had a bad reaction to something that was in the vaccine? Person A: Actually, no. My physiotherapist said it’s an injury that can happen when the needle is placed just slightly in the wrong place.
Speaker:Person C: Ouch! Well, I may be wrong about this, but I seem to remember reading an article last year about how many volunteers had emergency training to learn to give the vaccine. Maybe the person who jabbed you just wasn’t all that experienced? Person A: Yeah, exactly, that’s what I think too. It’s annoying because it really hurts!
Speaker:Person C: I can imagine. What do you think you’ll do now? Have you got something relaxing planned for the weekend? First, just ask yourself which person—Person B or Person C—you feel is more likable. The two conversations are very, very similar.
Speaker:Both are perfectly acceptable, and there is no offense caused or any major rupture in social etiquette in either one. And yet, even in this short interaction, you can probably see the big difference the rule of three makes and how a person using declaratives one hundred percent comes across so differently from someone using a mix of all three conversational types. Person B likely doesn’t believe themselves to be bad at conversation, but they nevertheless will be perceived as less friendly, less likeable, and somehow less enjoyable to speak to. The effect of such interactions gradually and imperceptibly adds up. Others may not be able to put their finger on why, but they may feel that Person B is a bit boring, stuck-up, rude, or a know-it-all.
Speaker:Crucially, it’s not about the content of what you say. It’s about the emotional implications and the energy in how you say it. Questions convey a sense of openness, possibility, humility, and receptivity. They can be playful and respectful and can demonstrate empathy and compassion, as well as the covert message, “I like you. I’m interested.
Speaker:Tell me more." Qualified statements send a similar message. They say something, but it’s a soft something. They signal to the other person that you are amenable, flexible, and ready to discuss and move with the flow. Declaratives, however, are a little like dead-ends.
Speaker:They are pronouncements made that usually signal the end of conversation rather than its beginning. They position you as a speaker with authority, and the other person as someone who is there primarily to hear this authority. Though there is absolutely a time and place for this energy (giving speeches, setting boundaries, or literally teaching someone) too much of it means you are talking AT rather than talking WITH. In other words, questions and qualifiers open up a little room that invites the other person into the conversation. Declaratives tend to focus only on you and your message, while closing out the other person.
Speaker:“Light blue is such a weak color." Is it? Says who? Literally imagine someone said this to you—can you feel how difficult it is to say anything in response? “Maybe it’s an unpopular opinion, but I’ve never really liked light blue!"
Speaker:Can you see how it’s possible to have a strong opinion but nevertheless frame it as exactly that—an opinion—and leave plenty of space for someone to respond and keep the conversation going? “What’s your favorite color?" A question immediately opens up the conversation and signals that you are willing and able to share airtime, to listen, and to connect. It’s a signal that you are putting your ego aside and making space for connection, and even though it’s subtle, it conveys feelings of appreciation and generosity that are worth their weight in gold. If the rule of three feels tricky to implement at first, don’t worry—it can take time to break bad habits!
Speaker:One easy trick is to literally say whatever you were going to, but add “don’t you think?" to the end of it. “Light blue is such a weak color, don’t you think?" It immediately changes the entire energy and flow of the conversation and takes little-to-no effort on your part. If you’re the kind of person who likes to get on a soapbox and bombard people with your strongly held opinions, try to ask yourself why.
Speaker:Being dogmatic and lecturing people and forcefully pushing your opinions on them is not communication, but a roadblock to communication. People can veer toward declarative statements that are opinions dressed up as facts for a few reasons: • We unconsciously think that the purpose of a conversation is to have our needs met and to be heard and seen by someone else • We may hold a core belief that we have to broadcast, defend, or force our perspectives and opinions, usually because they have not been appreciated or respected in the past • We are anxious and trying to win validation or appear smart and interesting The irony is that using the rule of three is something you do for other people—but it’s ultimately something that benefits you. Conversations that are more balanced just flow better and lead to more comfort, trust, enjoyment, and attraction than ones where one or both parties are talking forcefully at the other, who is simply trying to endure it—or waiting for their own turn on the soapbox! Sustain Conversations with Conversational Threading and Useful Acronyms Using the rule of three is all very well and good, but many people may find that this isn’t quite enough. In casual conversation with new acquaintances, it can be really awkward: How do you know what to say?
Speaker:After the initial greetings and “how are yous” are done, then what? Using the technique of conversational threading, you will never run out of things to say. The idea is simple: 1. The other person speaks, and you listen 2. You notice a few “threads” that they start 3. As the conversation unfolds, you pick up a thread and talk about it 4. When you run out of things to say, you go back and find an old thread and follow that instead 5. Voila, your conversation is running smoothly and comfortably! Let’s take a closer look. A “thread” is what it sounds like—a word, phrase, image, or idea that is shared by the other person.
Speaker:It can be literally anything. For example, if the other person says, “Since both of my brother’s kids got diagnosed with ADHD, we’re all trying to cut down on screen time." There are quite a few threads in this statement—at least four. There’s the brother, the brother’s kids, the fact of having less screen time, and the idea about ADHD diagnoses. As you listen, hear these threads and pick them up.
Speaker:For example: •“Oh, is that your brother you said lived abroad?" •“How old are your brother’s kids?" •“Yup, I can relate. I’ve been trying to manage my own internet addiction these days!" •“Wow, ADHD in both kids ...
Speaker:I wonder how common that is." As you can see, you can pick up a thread and ask a question about it, or just react and make a comment. But as you can imagine, each of these threads leads somewhere else. One will result in a long and impassioned conversation about the perils of TV on developing brains, while some others might fizzle out after a few short responses. For example, “Yeah, he’s my older brother.
Speaker:He’s currently living in Belgium with his family." Should you happen to talk a little more about Belgium or living abroad and find that eventually that avenue runs dry, you don’t need to worry. You can backtrack, drop the brother/Belgium thread, and pick up somewhere else. “So anyway, was their ADHD diagnosis done there in Belgium?" Two things have happened now.
Speaker:You have communicated to the other person that you were listening and paying attention, but you’ve also gently pivoted away from a dying topic and into one that might be more fruitful and interesting. In real life, skilled conversationalists tend to practice conversation threading without even knowing it. But if you’re the sort of person who gets anxious about being on the spot with nothing to say, conversation threading may be just the thing to come to your rescue. Here are a few ideas to make it even more effective: • As you listen, prick your ears for words that suggest a strong emotional component for the speaker. Pull out particularly vivid images or unusual turns of phrase, or notice when the speaker gets a little more animated, and zoom in on that topic.
Speaker:It’s likely going to be the most interesting thread to pursue! • When asking questions, keep them as open-ended as possible. “So, you have a brother?" might literally be something to fill the silence, but it can only be answered with “yup,” which then promptly leaves you just where you started. Don’t put the other person in the position of having to think of things to say.
Speaker:• As you listen for threads, don’t be in too much of a hurry to pounce on them or forcefully steer the conversation. Just relax, be patient, and hold on to them. Even better if you can remember them for long after the current conversation is over. You will come across as attentive and aware and will win major conversational brownie points! People who find conversations difficult are usually no less interesting, intelligent or kind than people find this kind of socializing easier.
Speaker:The only difference is that they are unaware of the practical skills required to have a great conversation ... or else they know what to do but are out of practice! At first, using the techniques and tricks outlined in this book will feel a little awkward and uncomfortable, but over time and with practice, you will internalize a deeper mindset shift and these behaviors will start to be second nature to you. The bigger mindset shift that will come about by using conversational threading is one of non-resistance. This means that when people introduce a thread, you listen, you’re open and receptive, and you remember.
Speaker:You never forcefully cling to one thread over another, but stay relaxed and spontaneous in the moment, waiting to see what interesting things bubble up, and following them. This is the kind of thing you need to experience rather than read about, though, so it’s best to try these techniques for yourself. In particular, notice when you have a fixed idea of what you want to say or where you want the conversation to go. Notice if you’re being resistant or forceful when it looks like the conversation is going elsewhere—then choose to let it go. If you quietly rehearse things in your head or keep forcefully bringing the conversation back to the point you want to make, the conversation will sputter out or die.
Speaker:This is why we need to be brave enough to enter into conversations without being too prepared—if we have too fixed an idea of how things should go, we are not really listening for opportunities for it to be something better! Useful Conversational Acronyms The acronym HPM can be of great help when you feel yourself floundering for something to say, especially if you’re talking to someone who’s a little dull or not doing much to keep the conversation going. It stands for: History Philosophy Metaphor Don’t worry, history doesn’t literally refer to your knowledge of WWII and so on, but is about your own personal history and experience. You mention something in your own past that connects to what has just been said. Let’s say someone mentions skydiving.
Speaker:You could say, “That reminds me of a friend I had who went skydiving once. She was so terrified, she changed her mind right at the last moment and then..." “Sounds like that one time I fell out of a second-story window ... I know it’s not skydiving, but it sure did feel like it at the time!" “I knew a skydiving instructor once.
Speaker:Crazy guy." Philosophy is about your own personal take on certain experiences, i.e., how you feel about things. “Oh my God. You could not pay me enough money to consider sky diving! How terrifying!"
Speaker:Finally, metaphor is simply where you draw connections and make associations between what you know and what you’ve just heard. “You know, that makes me think of this thing I saw on TV last night; these guys do what they call extreme ironing. Have you heard of this?" “Wow, sky diving! That’s like paying someone to pretend you’re committing suicide, right?"
Speaker:If you like, you can find a way to combine all three of these at one go. Naturally, use HPM in the beginning of conversations or when you’re trying to jump-start a flagging dialogue. It’s a bad idea to jump in with your own jokes, anecdotes, or random connections if the conversation is actually already flowing well and the other person still wants to follow the current thread. Use HPM instead when things feel like they need a boost. Another useful acronym is EDR: Emotion Detail Restatement Emotion is when you put a label on what someone else is feeling—for example, someone tells you a lengthy story about a recent trip to the ER, and you respond with, “Wow, it seems like it was a pretty scary time for you."
Speaker:Detail is asking for more in-depth information about what you’ve just been told, not unlike the “chunking down” discussed earlier. It could also mean answering a question but adding an additional detail to keep the conversation going. Detail questions are actually pretty easy to ask—just remember the 5 Ws: who, what, where, when, and why. Restatement is simple reflection and verbal mirroring. Repeat what you’ve been told, and you achieve three things at once: You show that you’re listening attentively, you confirm that you understand and comprehend, and you validate the other person.
Speaker:Obviously don’t literally parrot a person word for word, but choose a few key phrases or words to echo. “I broke my arms doing extreme ironing, you see." “Extreme ironing!" “Yeah. I know it sounds funny, but I’m bummed out because I won’t be able to make the championships this year."
Speaker:“The championships?" “Yup. I was totally in the running for a gold medal, but now who knows." “Huh. A gold medal in extreme ironing."
Speaker:In later chapters, we’ll be looking at more depth techniques for communicating with empathy and cultivating deep listening. But with everyday conversations, it’s all about staying open, staying loose, and staying curious. Think of the energy of a good conversation as a balloon that you have to constantly bounce to keep from touching the floor. Pleasant conversation has a lightness, movement, and spontaneity to it—you’ve probably experienced this yourself when having a really good time with someone. If you’re ever stuck and find yourself feeling unconfident in a conversation, try these three simple things to get you back on track: 1. Take a deep, deep breath and relax every muscle in your body 2. Ask a genuine, interesting open-ended question that puts the other person in the spotlight 3. Smile!
Speaker: , Amazon and itunes today. In: Speaker:And with these two additions for August and September of this year, he will have appeared at the Gardens 141 times. That's like three seasons worth of Nick's basketball games, and it's nearly double the number of times Elton John has played at the Garden with 76. Let's recap today's episode. Having charm and charisma is not about you. It's about the other person and making them feel heard, liked and supported.
Speaker:Dr. Albrick explains that conversations contain three elements declaratives, questions and qualifiers. The rule of three tells us that we should not have three declarative statements in a row and should instead mix it up with a question or a qualifier. It's not really about the content of what you say, but the emotional implications and the energy in how you say it. Conversational Threading is a technique that will help you ensure you never run out of things to say. Listen to what the other person says, pick out a few noteworthy threads, then run with one of them.
Speaker:When the conversation dries up, return to these threads and pick up another one and follow that instead. Be patient, ask open ended questions and listen for emotions. Being a good, everyday conversationalist is about being open minded, spontaneous and genuine. Keep things flowing, and that's about it for today's episode. A few more birthday wishes.
Speaker: Lena Horn died on this day in:
