They Should Have Known

Narrator: 00:45

This is one of the biggest culprits for self-sabotage and not getting what you want. Perhaps in an alternative universe, people are so intuitive they can accurately predict the desires of others, but in this time and day, there are not many psychics.

We are all guilty of making assumptions and dropping subtle hints. Yet these methods do not usually lead to us getting our desires because there’s no reason to expect people to be able to read your minds and desires, even if you’ve been married for 20 years. Or, perhaps people do know, but aren’t always so self-aware and conscious of how their actions affect you as you are. Same result either way.

Harville Hendricks, a prominent couples therapist, theorizes that people believe this myth of being able to read another person’s desires comes from the way parents try to determine the needs of babies. The reality is, when a baby cries, most parents have no idea why. What they do know, however, is that there are a limited number of things that could be wrong.

If they try feeding, changing a diaper, or shifting positions, chances are the baby will stop crying. It’s not that parents have magical intuitive powers; it’s that after a few weeks, they learn what causes the baby to cry and what helps him stop crying. They have been conditioned to respond in specific ways to their baby’s cries based on educated guesses.

As children grow and become more verbal, parents can still sense when something is wrong, but that doesn’t mean they can read their child’s mind. Most mature people recognize and admit that they cannot read the minds of others, yet somehow mature, intelligent adults struggle with communicating their own needs because they believe the other person should intuitively know what to do or say.

Thus, our expectations become skewed. Most of the time, people do not give voice to their expectations because there is a belief that they should not have to say it out loud.

Think about how ridiculous this seems. ‘If he really knows me, then he should know that I want a romantic date, not a trip to the circus, for my birthday celebration.’ And yet, this becomes a source of conflict in many relationships. One person has an expectation and believes the other person should have a similar expectation—even though they never discuss it. In the end, someone is disappointed; in fact, both are probably disappointed.

People are hurt over and over because they have hopes concerning a certain situation, but the result is different from that expectation. Consider Frances and Dave. They have been friends since college, but when Frances loses his father to cancer, their friendship nearly ends. Dave knows his friend has responsibilities taking care of his father’s business, so he tries to stay out of the way. Frances, on the other hand, really wants to spend time with people who knew his dad and will help preserve his memory. Dave thinks he is helping; Frances thinks Dave is being a lousy friend.

These instances happen regularly and there is only one reason they happen: people don’t assert their expectations. Being furious for someone because they should have known does not count.

Expecting people to know expectations and desires without telling them is a bit like emotional hostage-taking. When people do not speak up and share what they want, they are essentially hijacking the relationship. After all, the chances of the other person getting it just right without being told are pretty slim.

Misunderstandings can fester and grow to the point they metastasize into a cancer of disappointment that can poison an entire relationship. No matter the situation, when expectations are not met, individuals eventually reach a point where they can no longer be silent. Often it boils over into a huge fight with accusations from the past flying wildly. The worst of these arguments can include ugly words and hateful statements that can never be taken back.

Everyone has different expectations, narratives, stories, and perspectives. Thus, things that are quite insignificant like gas or laundry or family time or birthday celebrations become symbolic of the much deeper yet real issue. When we give “symbolic value” to action, or lack of action, we not only risk our own disappointment, but we also set up our partner to fail.

Symbolic Value

Often people fail to recognize the symbolic value they place on certain actions. Except for being polite, there is no real value on opening the door for someone. The value is in the symbol of opening the door. It can symbolize respect, care, a desire to make an impression—a whole host of things. It’s about the principle of the matter! Symbolic value is most significant to the person on the receiving end of the act, and it’s a primary reason why you become offended when people don’t read your mind.

The following is an example that demonstrates that, despite people’s best efforts, they can’t read your mind unless you speak up.

Nick and Michelle have an agreement that he will be responsible for getting the garbage out for collection each week. When Nick fails to do his job, Michelle feels like he is purposely telling her that he does not intend to keep his end of the bargain. Mind you, there is no excuse for Nick not doing this job. He should probably know this after being together with Michelle for so long. However, is it right that Michelle feels disproportionately angry at this?

She thinks he is being disrespectful to her by sending the message, “Whatever I was doing was more important than keeping my promise to you.” That interpretation is because it wasn’t just about the garbage to Michelle. In all likelihood, Nick is just forgetful in the moment, but that’s not what Michelle feels. She starts imagining what other promises he will fail to keep. Before long, she is hurt and angry. It’s not about respect to Nick, because the trash doesn’t mean anything beyond a chore.

Because Michelle places such a high symbolic value on it, she assumes Nick knows how important it is to her. What’s more, she thinks Nick has the same symbolic values as her, which should naturally inform his decisions. When they argue about it, Nick will think they are arguing about the trash, but Michelle will think they are arguing about how he has stomped on her feelings.

The combination of putting symbolic value on the trash and making assumptions that the other person understands that value has the potential to turn this into an ongoing battle. It’s likely you’ve found yourself in Michelle’s position of feeling a disproportionate hurt, but consider that it’s what a lack of assertiveness has caused. There’s no excuse for people not being considerate of your desires, but also consider your role in letting people know about them.

Are you allowing yourself to be upset by assigning symbolic value to things and waiting for people to perform them before you ever have to assert yourself? You are just making yourself vulnerable to hurt, especially if you’re unaware of what you assign symbolic value to. This is what you’re allowing to happen when you don’t assert yourself. The point is that without communicating your needs and desires, you open yourself up to the miscues of symbolic value.

Can you simply change someone’s behavior like Pavlov’s dog and bypass having to assert yourself and make your desires known? Sometimes instead of open and honest communication, people will try to change the other person’s behavior. Unfortunately, that does not usually work.

In Nick and Michelle’s case, Michelle could reward Nick for taking care of the garbage. She could prepare his favorite snack and drink after he returns from the curb; she could vocalize her appreciation by thanking him or praising him to others; she could do something that has symbolic value for him in return. She could, of course, simply tell him exactly what she wants and why it matters to her.

If this sounds a bit like training a puppy or teaching a child how to behave, it’s because it is; it’s classical conditioning, and she is attempting to condition Nick into having the same symbolic values as her. Again, it’s not that she shouldn’t be angry at Nick for not doing his duties, it’s that she should make sure they are on the same page as far as symbolic values go to ensure he understands the source of her emotions. Direct communication will always work best for this.

There is only one way to turn your expectations into reality. You have to speak your mind and ask for what you want. The key to success, however, is doing that without being passive-aggressive.