The Rapport Game: Five Ways To Build Rapport

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th of March: 2023

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That’s because at its most fundamental, good communication is NOT about the words you say but the degree of concordance, harmony, and synchronicity between you and the person you’re talking to. So, this is exactly our next pitstop on our journey to becoming better communicators. Mirroring and Matching Have you ever actually wondered what “chemistry” is? That fizzle of energy and connection between two people is something that’s difficult to describe, but you definitely know it when you feel it! However mysterious it feels, this chemistry is actually well-explained as an evolutionary adaptation that has helped our species bond, connect, and establish trust ... even before we developed verbal language.

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to do it deliberately. In the: 1970

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So they smile, and you smile. They whisper, and so do you. Done right, it creates feelings of harmony and synchrony—like you’re both doing a coordinated dance in time with one another. Matching is copying and reflecting, but not necessarily at the same time. So perhaps they use an unusual and noteworthy turn of phrase, which you remember and return to later in the conversation (almost literally communicating, “I speak the same language as you!”).

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The wonderful thing is that mirroring and matching can create strong feelings of harmony and connection even without you saying a word. It’s difficult to estimate just how much communication is nonverbal, but it’s clear that the proportion is significant. Whether you’re meeting someone new, talking to an old friend, or trying to navigate a prickly conflict, matching and mirroring is a great skill to master since it always gives you a solid base on which to build. There are three main ways to build rapport by using matching and mirroring. Way 1: Match and Mirror External Communication Cues Body language and nonverbal communication are prior to verbal communication.

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If you adopt the same posture as the person in front of you, you duplicate their experience in your own body and can understand more about their position—literally! You also communicate that you’re on the same wavelength and will create feelings of being in sync. In conversation, simply notice how “open” or “closed” body language as a whole seems. Look for tension (crossed arms, hunched posture, closed fists, frowning) or relaxation (open arms, expressive hands, legs uncrossed). Without aping them very obviously, try to match this degree of openness/closedness.

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Next, notice gestures, i.e., body postures in motion. Are they moving quickly or slowly? Are they graceful and flowing or sharp and staccato? Wide and expansive? Fidgety?

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Protective? Restrained? How do the gestures line up with everything else in the conversation? Match and mirror this. You could also match and mirror facial expressions—in fact, you might find you do this automatically just by paying close attention to the other person!

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You could focus on just one most notable aspect—for example, the eyebrows or corners of the mouth. Again, see if you can match the position, movement, and degree of openness or closedness here, especially at points in the conversation when emotional content is being communicated. You could say, “I know how you feel,” but when your facial expression matches theirs, you are doing something more powerful—you are showing that you understand what they mean. Way 2: Match and Mirror Voice and Language This is a rich area to tap! Consider all the aspects of the voice that have nothing to do with the words used: •Tone •Rate (speed) •Volume (both loudness and simply the amount of speech) •Pitch (how high or low) •Pace, inflection, and modulation (how you deliver your sentences and the flow of speech—for example, with lots of variation or with a steady, even monotone) You can match and mirror on any of the above five aspects—or potentially all of them.

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The key, however, is to do this subtly and naturally. For example, if the person you’re speaking to is talking quickly (fast rate), speaking quite loudly (high volume) and in a high pitch, and talking with an excitable and highly inflected tone, then you can signal your empathy and understanding of their frame of mind by mimicking some of this yourself. You could subtly raise your own pitch, talk a little louder than you ordinarily would, and mirror that excitement back at them. Overall, you are attempting to match the energy of what they’re communicating. Just remember that the voice is a part of the body, and so every aspect of the voice is essentially body language.

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One thing you might not have considered is what communication experts call sensory predicates. Basically, these are systems of meaning that we use to explain our experiences. We each have a system whether we’re aware of it or not, i.e., we might favor descriptions and explanations that are •Visual •Auditory •Kinesthetic •Feeling •Auditory Digital A few examples will show how sensory predicates play out in real life. A visual predicate, for example, uses language, symbolism, and metaphors that are based in the physiology of sight. So, you might pepper your speech with terms like picture this, look, view, bright, reveal, short-sighted, paint a picture, I can see, clear, dim, etc.

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Similarly, more auditory (to do with sound) predicates will include phrases like listen, tell, clear as a bell, on the same frequency, lend me your ears, strike a note, loud and clear, etc. Kinesthetic and feeling predicates may overlap somewhat and mix both meanings of the word “feel”—for example, I’m touched, concrete, solid, hot and bothered, get in touch, handhold, grasp, make contact, etc. So-called auditory digital predicates are more focused on the cognitive experience of the world—for example, with terms like understand, know, think, process, figure it out, pay attention, wonder, etc. The point of understanding the predicates someone uses is so that you can match and mirror these, too. The result can be an instant connection and feeling of rapport.

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For example, if someone consistently uses visual predicates, they may say, “I like the look of this idea. You’ve painted such a clear picture of the most important goals." If you pick up on this, you can continue and expand the visual metaphors, or include your own by later saying something like, “I see what you mean! I’m glad we’re focusing on the same vision here." Now, this might not seem like much, but it’s a powerful way to unconsciously signal that you speak the same language and, even more than this, inhabit the same perceptual world as the other person.

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If you’re not entirely clear which kind of predicate the person is using, it’s no big deal—simply prick your ears (there’s an auditory one!) to the kinds of metaphors they use, and repeat or expand on them rather than abruptly switching to a different metaphor. 3: Match and Mirror Internal Communication Cues This one is a little less obvious. The voice and the body may be easier to notice at first glance, but have you ever simply felt that people have different energy levels from each other? This “energy” is about how active, energetic, and vibrant someone is, yes, but it can also be more subtle than this. Think of someone who is really good at doing impressions.

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They are able to so perfectly capture another person’s personality not just because they can mimic their voice and mannerisms, but also because somehow, they can put all these things together and portray the person’s deeper essence. Noticing this essence takes practice, but at first, try to simply pay attention to how people are taking up space, how they’re breathing, and the aggregate of all their expressions (language, posture, appearance) comes across. Reflecting someone’s essence may take a special touch, but you’d be surprised at how instantly you can create camaraderie if you can do so. If ever you’re with someone and you just “click,” try to see things from the other side and ask what the other person did to make you feel that communication and connection were so easy with them. Chances are it’s mirroring!

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Here’s a little trick you can try not just to build rapport, but to test whether you are getting anywhere in that goal: Step 1: Pay attention to their internal or external communication cues, or their voice or language. Step 2: Match or mirror subtly on just one or two aspects. Step 3: After a little while, match them on some other aspect. Step 4: Finally, do something different. For example, if you’ve been mirroring a low and slow tone of voice, plus crossed legs, suddenly change up your voice and speak louder and more quickly, or uncross your legs and cross your arms instead.

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Step 5: Now, observe. Do they follow suit and mirror you? If so, congratulations—you’ve likely established rapport! If not, no problem. There’s still time.

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As you get better at matching and mirroring (and conversation in general), you can start experimenting with leading interactions with certain behaviors rather than just following the other person’s lead. This way, you can take charge of conversations and shape them in a positive direction, fostering connection and understanding—usually without the other person even knowing it! Here’s another trick you can try once you get the hang of reading other people’s communication cues: Step 1: Think of someone you have an excellent rapport with and try to feel what it feels like when you’re around that person. Really recreate that experience in your body, heart, and mind. Step 2: Consciously try to summon up that same feeling in yourself right now, imagining it expanding through your body.

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For example, maybe with a very good friend, you feel expansive, you’re quick to smile, and you lean forward ever so slightly. Maybe you feel ultra-relaxed and “warm." Whatever the sensation is, imagine that it’s surrounding you like an aura. Then, let it guide how you behave, think, feel, and move in the moment. Step 3: Project the feeling toward the person you’re with and imagine that this amazing aura is flowing around them, too.

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This technique is taking a reverse perspective on mirroring, since you are the one who is “going first” and inviting others to mirror and match you—if you master those good, happy vibes, don’t be surprised if people suddenly seem very willing to be drawn in! Way 4: Match on Content Basically, seek common ground. If people like people who are like them, then rapport is in some ways just a matter of finding how you’re like the person in front of you. Potential areas of common ground include: •Your history and background, such as school, hometown, past jobs, shared connections •Personal values, such as family, hard work, creativity, learning, etc. •Core beliefs about the world •Emotional state, both current and more generally in life •Style •Accent, ways of speaking, and verbal idiosyncrasies •Hobbies •Shared experiences •Degree of formality (for example, do they use slang and swear words?

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’re comfortable exchanging): 1080

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For example, we could ask, “How exactly did that happen?" “Tell me more about XYZ ... “Why did this specific thing happen?" Chunking up goes in the other direction, from the specific to the general. We ask a question that leads us to see the bigger picture and overarching patterns in the broader view—i.e., a model that fits all the smaller details inside it.

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When we ask questions in this mode, we are showing that we are paying attention and processing and synthesizing what we’re told, which is a different way to build rapport. For example, we could ask “How does this tie into this other idea we spoke about, XYZ ... ?" “What do all of these details mean?" “What’s the pattern here?"

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“What does this thing connect to?" During conversations, it’s not really a matter of which question mode is “best” but rather keeping things varied. Imagine you are zooming in and out, first drilling down to learn more about the most interesting details, then coming up for air and getting a broader view. Not only will such a conversation feel like it flows more naturally and enjoyably, your dynamic interest in what you’re being told will create a sense of rapport with the other person. At the very least, simply avoid being in one mode for too long.

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So, for example, if you notice that you’ve asked five chunking-up questions in a row, be aware that you may be alienating the other person in overly abstract or aloof hypotheticals. Create balance by asking a detailed question, which will bring in some immediacy and intimacy. Similarly, if you notice the conversation is feeling a little mired in one detail after another (for example, those conversations where people lose a narrative thread because they dwell too long on the minute but insignificant details of who said what and when ... then pause, zoom out, and get a broader view of where you are. You might say something like, “So all in all, it seems like yesterday was a pretty crazy day, huh!"

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[Music] and that's this week's episode of social skills coaching join us next Tuesday for our next episode thanks for listening [Applause]