Speak Loud, Speak Clear, And Speak From The Heart

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I'm Russell and this is social skills coaching brought to you by Newton Media Group and Patrick King stick around to learn to be more likable more charismatic and more productive today is Wednesday. the title for today's featured book from Patrick King is stand up for yourself set boundaries and stop pleasing others it's impossible to do that without assertive communication assertive communication is not about force or coercion or pandering in submission but about speaking confidently from the heart let's hear more from Patrick King Human beings are social animals. we all have needs. is our interaction with other human beings in an attempt to have our needs met. the style of our communication reflects how well we understand, communicate, and meet those needs.

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Because communication and needs go hand in hand, having a problem with people-pleasing means it’s likely you also have a problem with direct, healthy communication. Aggressive communication means trying to get our needs met by yelling, forcing, coercing, intimidating, criticizing, or violating others’ boundaries. Passive (or passive-aggressive) communication means trying to get our needs met indirectly by manipulation, silent treatment, playing victim, avoiding conflict to win approval, or waiting around until others feel guilted into giving us what we need. Both are attempts to meet needs ... but they are seldom successful. point of improving our communication skills, then, is to ensure that we are meeting our needs in the best way possible.

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Somewhere in the middle of those two extremes is healthy assertive communication. This is where we are able to calmly, directly, and respectfully communicate our needs without violating boundaries or infringing on the needs of others. the world of the people-pleaser, needs are a zero-sum game, i.e., either they win or you do. you are happy or they are happy. But healthy assertive communication recognizes a third possibility: that everyone can comfortably get their needs met without anyone having to give up their rights.

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If you master healthy assertive communication, you will feel far more understood by others and will find you no longer stew over old resentments or disappointments. Your relationships will instantly become less stressful and more respectful. Plus, as a happy side effect, you’re more likely to get the things you want and need! How do we communicate more assertively? are a few main principles to keep in mind and how we can apply these principles to everyday life.

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Feelings Are Never Right or Wrong If you’re a people-pleaser, you may shy away from expressing your “negative” emotions because you feel they’re wrong, or worry that other people will judge you for them. But emotions are never right or wrong; they just are. can judge our actions, and we can certainly say something about how we respond to our own feelings and emotions, but in themselves, these feelings and emotions are neutral ... even the ones we call negative. This insight allows you to clearly and confidently state how you feel. can express yourself without it making the other person wrong and without judging yourself, i.e., by apologizing for how you feel or carrying it with guilt or shame.

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When we know that emotions are neutral, we don’t treat them as something to fear or resist or avoid. way, they actually have a chance to do what emotions should do—flow on. Remember, no emotion is right or wrong. how you express that emotion matters! For example, you may be afraid to take a risk that everyone is encouraging you to take (for example, launching a risky new business), but believe that it’s wrong for you to feel this way. You could try to conceal your fear. in hiding your real feelings, you don’t communicate what you’d really like to others, and never get the chance to learn what that fear could be teaching you. You prevent yourself from saying no. end up taking the risk, but it doesn’t feel right, and the business fails. Your inauthenticity and acting against your principles are a direct result of you telling yourself your fear is invalid. The feeling of fear wasn’t the problem; the way you communicated that fear (or didn’t!) is the problem. People Are Responsible for Their Own Feelings By now you’ve probably heard of the technique to use “I” statements when communicating. is nothing magical about the word “I,” however. simply a way to rephrase sentences so that you focus only on what is legitimately in your realm of control and responsibility: yourself. Let’s say you do acknowledge your feeling of fear about launching a risky new business, and you accept that it’s not right or wrong to feel this way. The next thing to understand is that this feeling is nobody else’s but yours. would be aggressive communication to say, “All of you are pressuring me and forcing me to do this, and you’re making me scared!" It would also be a mistake to go the passive communication route and say, “What do you think I should do?" “I’m confused, and that’s your problem to solve”). We need to avoid blaming people for our emotions. Nobody can ever make us feel a certain way. If we are disappointed, for example, then that is our feeling. To say “You’ve disappointed me,” is making another person responsible for your feelings—and it’s probably the worst habit you can have when it comes to communication. Reframing your language so that you and you alone are responsible for your emotions takes practice. Try to see it as a simple exercise in saying what is. Share your emotions with others without trying to find a cause or pin the responsibility on anyone (or anything, for that matter). Not great: “You’ve upset me." A little better: “When you don’t reply, it upsets me." Much better: “I feel upset. you reply to me more quickly?"

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Understand What the Goal of Communication Is What is the goal of communication? you ever even asked yourself that question? For some people, a conversation is an opportunity for them to convince others to think as they do. For others, it’s a chance to boast, perform, or capture an audience who will agree and validate them. For yet others, a conversation is a competition or even a war to see who’s best or who’s “right."

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All of these mindsets will lead to poor communication. You will find, however, that all your relationships improve when you understand that the ultimate goal of communication is to connect with others. That means that your aim is to work together and find a harmonious balance and mutually satisfactory outcome. either have a good conversation with the person in front of you, or you don’t have one at all, period. means that the backbone of all communication is empathy, genuine listening, and enough willingness to put our own egos aside at least half of the time!

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If you think that being a people-pleaser means you don’t have much of an ego, think again. is the ego that wants to be liked, to be seen and validated, and to control a situation. it is also the ego that relinquishes responsibility and puts someone else in charge out of fear. you understand the real goal of communication, then you understand that engaging with others is not about making them happy, making you look good, being a victim, or playing a game of control. Applying Self-Knowledge and Asking for What You Want It is your responsibility to know who you are and what you want.

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It’s also your responsibility to clearly and respectfully communicate that want to others. Remember that communication is a way to get your needs met, but it has to be done while maintaining harmonious and cooperative connections with others. We can know and accept how we feel. We can take responsibility for this feeling. Then, while we maintain cooperative connections with others, we can ask for what we want and need.

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Does this mean we are magically granted everything we request? Nope. But if we approach communication this way, we have the greatest chance of having our needs met. With self-knowledge, responsibility, and clear requests, we maintain our relationships and connections even if we disagree with others or find that there is conflict. is valuable.

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For a people-pleaser who is used to denying their feelings and downplaying their needs, it can be difficult to clearly and confidently ask for anything. But requests are like boundaries—we are all entitled to them. are all at liberty to express our needs. it doesn’t mean the other person always can or will meet those needs. even if they don’t, we still retain our dignity and composure.

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Here’s how to speak your mind, communicate your feelings, and ask for what you want: 1. understand and own your own feelings without judging them or placing blame or shame. Frame this feeling using “I” statements. 2. a desire for a mutual solution, harmony, and cooperation.

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3. state what you need to happen—not what they should do, but what you need. For example: “I’m feeling totally confused and stressed out by this new system. I know how hard you’ve worked to implement it, so I’m keen to find a way to make it work. I need is a clearer list of tasks in one place. Could I ask that you create such a list for me?" Notice how different this is from: “This weird new system of yours is driving me crazy. do you insist on fixing things that aren’t broken? guess we’re all stuck with it now, so I’ll just give up my weekend again to try and decipher it ... ” This is passive aggressive. is no responsibility taken for feelings, and the other person is blamed as the source of these feelings.

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There is no clear and direct request; instead, this person is going to whine and complain until someone guesses what they want and gives it to them ... Now consider this: “Your awful new system isn’t working. need to do something about it!" This is just plain aggressive. acknowledgement of feelings, no expression of goodwill or interest in a mutually satisfying outcome, plus no request—only a demand. The first statement, however, shows you it’s more than possible to clearly and directly ask for what you need without aggression and manipulation, and without damaging the underlying relationship.

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People-pleasers are already half on their way to great communication because they already understand the value of cooperation, empathy, and kindness. simply need to learn to pair this with clear requests and a healthy understanding of their own emotions. Takeaways: communication is not about force or coercion (aggressive) or pandering and submission (passive-aggressive) but about speaking confidently from the heart. To achieve mature, healthy communication, remember that feelings are never right or wrong, but it matters what we do with those feelings.

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people are responsible for their feelings, and ultimately, the goal of communication is not to control others but to connect with them and get our mutual needs met. Finally, an important skill is to ask for what you need from a position of self-knowledge. you've reached the end of another episode of social skills coaching connect with us at newtonmg.com and sign up for the free newsletter and receive other free materials from Patrick King at bitly slash PK Consulting see you next week foreign