Mastering the Art of Listening: Chapter Two 'Improve Your People Skills'
00:03:21 We Have Two Ears and Only One Mouth
00:08:56 Ineffective listening
00:15:59 Takeaway
Improve Your People Skills: How to Connect With Anyone, Communicate Effectively, Develop Deep Relationships, and Become a People Person By Patrick King
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Dive into this insightful episode as we explore the second chapter of Patrick King's groundbreaking book, "Improve Your People Skills." Discover why staying quiet and honing your listening skills are essential for building deep connections.
In a world where communication is key, learn to adapt and navigate social situations with ease. Uncover the secrets to becoming likable, improving interpersonal relationships, and maximizing your personal growth.
This episode delves into the psychology of people, providing a blueprint for understanding others and developing harmonious relationships.
Don't miss out on this opportunity to enhance your soft skills and become a captivating presence in any social setting. With practical tips and actionable advice, you'll learn how to handle any situation with grace and confidence.
Click the link below to grab your copy of "Improve Your People Skills" and take control of your social life today!
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Are you ready to transform your people skills? Let's dive in!
In our fast-paced world, it's easy to overlook the fundamental yet powerful act of listening. This podcast episode delves into the lost art of active engagement, exploring how genuine listening and validation can transform our interactions. We'll uncover the distinction between truly hearing others and merely awaiting our turn to speak, revealing how this simple shift can elevate conversations from solitary monologues to vibrant exchanges. Moreover, we'll examine the parallels between listening and validation, understanding their shared goal of creating positive and meaningful connections. Get ready to explore these essential people skills, as we delve into the intricacies of effective communication, uncovering practical insights that will enhance your interpersonal relationships and foster deeper, more fulfilling conversations.
Transcript
Do you ever feel like you're talking, but no one's really listening?
Speaker:What if the secret to connecting deeply with others isn't about what you say, but how well you listen?
Speaker:Hello listeners, today, this July 2nd, 2025, we welcome you to Social Skills Coaching, where you become more likable, more charismatic, and more productive.
Speaker:Today's featured book is Improve Your People Skills, How to Connect with Anyone, Communicate Effectively, Develop Deep Relationships, and Become a People Person.
Speaker:This is written, of course, by Patrick King.
Speaker:Today's episode specifically is Chapter 2, More Reasons to Stay Quiet.
Speaker:In this episode, we're going to discover why staying quiet and honing your listening skills are essential for building deep connections.
Speaker:This chapter explores these topics.
Speaker:We have two ears and only one mouth, because effective communication begins with active listening.
Speaker:We must strive to truly hear what others are saying, rather than just waiting for our chance to speak.
Speaker:We'll talk about ineffective listening, where we'll examine the parallels between listening and validation, a topic that we discussed several times on the podcast, understanding their shared goals of creating positive and meaningful connections.
Speaker:So, get ready to explore these essential people skills as we delve into the intricacies of effective communication.
Speaker:Unlock practical insights that will enhance your interpersonal relationships and foster deeper and more fulfilling conversations.
Speaker:Of course, don't forget to check out, at the end of the episode, the takeaways, if you want a quick summary of the episode.
Speaker:Again, this is Chapter 2, More Reasons to Stay Quiet, from Patrick King's book, Improve Your People's Skills.
Speaker:Thanks for joining us today.
Speaker:We'll see you next time.
Speaker:Here, we carry on with the same theme we started with: people skills are not necessarily about what you say.
Speaker:The first chapter showed that it’s very much about how you think about other people that will determine your success.
Speaker:Humans are more observant than you might think, and if you don’t have genuine feelings of curiosity, interest, and goodwill, then you are not going to get very far.
Speaker:The next step from having the proper thoughts about others is giving them the space to feel good while interacting with you.
Speaker:It’s about listening, validating, and how to make people feel comfortable and safe with you.
Speaker:Again, not really about what you say, but about how you make them feel.
Speaker:These aspects, though seemingly commonsensical and easy, cannot be understated.
Speaker:If you don’t listen to people, they will see no point in talking to you.
Speaker:If you don’t validate people, they will get a distinct displeasure from interacting with you.
Speaker:And if you don’t make people feel comfortable and safe, they will avoid you altogether.
Speaker:Luckily, these are all within our control.
Speaker:We Have Two Ears and Only One Mouth
Speaker:31 00:03:26,360 --> 00:03:40,480 Raise your hand if this has ever happened to you: you are speaking with someone, and immediately after you finished speaking, they ignored absolutely everything you said, didn’t even acknowledge it, and continued on their separate thought or tangent?
Speaker:It’s as if they didn’t hear a word of what you said, and they probably didn’t.
Speaker:Can you imagine this happening during a theater performance?
Speaker:Actor #1: “I want to go to the butcher shop now, have you heard of it?”
Speaker:Actor #2: “This table is fascinating.
Speaker:Do you think it was made in Germany?”
Speaker:Actor #1: “Uh… so back to that butcher shop…”
Speaker:39 00:04:06,760 --> 00:04:10,240 Actor #1 would be left confused and scrambling.
Speaker:Unfortunately, if we’re honest with ourselves, this type of interaction is common and happens often.
Speaker:For all of our good intentions, most people are terrible listeners, us included, and it impacts the quality of our relationships.
Speaker:People want to say what they want to say, and they are more interested in their own lives than anyone else’s.
Speaker:To most, on an unconscious level, sharing is caring, not listening.
Speaker:This is normal human nature, but that doesn’t mean we should kowtow to it.
Speaker:Solid people skills and communication are a two-way street, and you have to give the other person space to speak in order to receive it for yourself.
Speaker:Unfortunately, for many people (hopefully not you), conversation is seen as a dumping ground.
Speaker:This will happen in one of two ways.
Speaker:People will either come in with a fixed agenda and set of talking points or they will be so wrapped up in their own lives that they just want to share it with you and not hear about yours.
Speaker:In either case, they open their mouths, unload information, and don’t stop until they get tired of their own voices.
Speaker:How does this make the listener feel?
Speaker:People aren’t dumb.
Speaker:People can detect when you are engaged and interested in what they have to say.
Speaker:They will get the distinct feeling that the other person is just waiting for their turn to speak and are not interested in anything they have to say.
Speaker:It’s like they know they are doing their best to try to listen to you but they feel that their lives are so much more captivating that they can’t resist going back to that topic.
Speaker:The listeners are not getting much out of the exchange, and at some point, only listening to someone and having your prompts ignored is burdensome and flat-out annoying.
Speaker:In a theater performance, the two parties won’t be working together, and the scene will be disjointed as one person will have to keep catering to the other person’s whims.
Speaker:Silence is an effective communication tool.
Speaker:Use it more frequently than you think you should.
Speaker:If anyone you engage with answers your questions happily but doesn’t pause to ask you how you’re doing, then they need to shut up more.
Speaker:If that’s you, you’re the one who needs to shut up more.
Speaker:It can be difficult because sometimes we build up a lot of steam during conversations.
Speaker:We feel like we’re on a roll with what we’re talking about and we could talk about it for hours.
Speaker:But that’s a selfish pursuit, and if someone wants to hog the spotlight for a while, you must absolutely surrender the spotlight and be willing to derail yourself and jump completely into someone else’s ideas and topics.
Speaker:Therefore, in conversation, one of the first keys is that you don’t just wait for your turn to speak.
Speaker:To some, this sounds like “let people speak and don’t interrupt them,” but it goes deeper than that.
Speaker:This actually means to empty your mind and stop composing your response or the next topic while someone is speaking.
Speaker:When you are listening, you aren’t only waiting for your turn to speak and preparing for that.
Speaker:You are listening with a blank slate and then tailoring your response directly to what was just said.
Speaker:Wherever the other person wants to derail the conversation to, you must be willing to go with them.
Speaker:That’s great listening and a showing of respect.
Speaker:If you are letting the other person speak simply because you feel like you shouldn’t be speaking for so long at one stretch, you are just waiting for your turn to speak.
Speaker:You aren’t participating in the conversation; you are giving a monologue in the hopes that the other person contributes and listens to it.
Speaker:Or worse yet, the other person listens in a similar fashion to you and you are in a case of dueling monologues versus a dialogue.
Speaker:Worse yet, you are not respecting them.
Speaker:It tells them you do not value them enough to listen while you are waiting for your turn to unload what you have to say.
Speaker:Much of this is subconscious, so it would be wrong to say that we are malicious in our daily conversations.
Speaker:We sometimes get too eager to talk about ourselves because our lives are most interesting to us, so why wouldn’t they be to others?
Speaker:We’re like puppies discovering snow for the first time and are unable to contain our excitement.
Speaker:We already had an example of poor listening earlier—that damned butcher shop.
Speaker:However, it was egregious, and most examples of poor listening are subtler and you may not even realize that they are bad.
Speaker:They might merely be classified as “ineffective.”
Speaker:83 00:08:59,120 --> 00:09:00,040 Ineffective listening:
Speaker:85 00:09:00,040 --> 00:09:04,400 Bob: I heard that butcher shop is pretty good.
Johnson:Oh, cool.
Johnson:Where is it?
Bob:About a ten-minute walk.
Johnson:Oh, I see.
Johnson:Did I tell you about my new niece?
Bob:No, you didn’t.
Bob:Congratulations.
Johnson:She’s really cute.
Johnson:Here are some pictures.
Johnson:The reason this is ineffective listening is because Johnson merely pays lip service to Bob’s interests before being unable to contain himself from talking about his niece.
Johnson:He doesn’t see Bob’s thought to completion and cuts him off in the middle to shift to his own topic.
Johnson:This is the type of poor listening that we encounter more on a daily basis.
Johnson:It’s subtle but just as bad sometimes.
Johnson:Here is that conversation but with better listening:
Johnson:101 00:09:54,640 --> 00:09:59,320 Bob: I heard that butcher shop is pretty good.
Johnson:Oh, cool.
Johnson:Where is it?
Bob:About a ten-minute walk.
Johnson:Oh, I see.
Johnson:Did you want to check it out?
Bob:I do.
Bob:Do you want to come with me?
Johnson:Sure.
Johnson:Along the way, I can show you pictures of my new niece.
Johnson:Both parties are able to wedge their thoughts in.
Johnson:Conversation that improves relationships and makes people feel positive about each other involves an interplay between silence and speaking, and both parties have an equal opportunity to take the spotlight.
Johnson:Collaboration is the name of the game, and waiting for your turn to speak doesn’t contribute to a shared goal—only yours.
Johnson:Interrupting, of course, is also a no-no in the quest for better listening.
Johnson:Interrupting sends the message of “I know you were talking, but what I have to say is more interesting for both of us” or “What I’m saying is more important than what you say.” Again, it’s not conscious, but that’s what happens when we put our thoughts and agendas over those of other people.
Johnson:You might think it’s not a big deal, but if you keep interrupting, that is precisely the message you send.
Johnson:Your conversation partner doesn’t know what’s going on inside your head, so who can blame them for feeling alienated if your actions don’t represent your intentions?
Johnson:Here are a few quick guidelines for interruptions.
Johnson:First, don’t interrupt others unless you agree with them so emphatically that you can finish their sentence with them.
Johnson:Second, if you do interrupt them for any reason, ask them immediately after you finish speaking what they were saying and bring it back to them.
Johnson:Acknowledge your error and quickly put the spotlight back onto them.
Johnson:Third, try to abide by the two-second rule to police yourself.
Johnson:After someone finishes speaking, pause for a full two seconds while contemplating what they’ve said and externally demonstrate that you are analyzing their words.
Johnson:Then, and only then, may you reply.
Johnson:This will get you into the habit of thinking before speaking and addressing people first.
Johnson:You can also get into the habit of using phrases that encourage them to keep speaking.
Johnson:It’s not always enough to just shut up and nod your head.
Johnson:Staring blankly at someone will make people feel like they have to repeat themselves and that their message didn’t get through.
Johnson:It has the same exact effect as not listening to them.
Johnson:You have to demonstrate that you are mentally following every step of the conversation, even if you aren’t.
Johnson:Use your facial expressions, eyebrows, gestures, and laughs to signal a reaction to each of their statements.
Johnson:Nod when they emphasize a point.
Johnson:We’ll cover this in greater detail shortly when we address active listening, but here are some encouraging phrases such as the following to show interest and investment:
Johnson:135 00:13:08,800 --> 00:13:10,120 • Uh-huh.
Johnson:• I see.
Johnson:• That’s interesting.
Johnson:• Tell me more.
Johnson:• And then?
Johnson:• What happened next?
Johnson:• What about that?
Johnson:If you look at conversations as simply an exercise to be heard and shine a spotlight on your ego, you are doing a great disservice to everyone you engage with.
Johnson:Not everyone is as interested in your life as you are.
Johnson:Even if you think you are listening and shutting up sufficiently, there’s a chance that you still cling to your trains of thought subconsciously and are waiting for the opportunity to assert them.
Johnson:To improve your conversations and connect better, you need to shut up more.
Johnson:As the old saying goes, you can’t learn when you’re speaking.
Johnson:Listening is actually one of the most self-interested things you can do, because you are the person who benefits and learns.
Johnson:It’s a complete win-win situation.
Johnson:To see the simple power of shutting up more, make your next conversation with a friend all about them.
Johnson:Try to find out about every minute detail of their day.
Johnson:This means you shutting up, listening to them, reacting accordingly, and asking questions that go deeper.
Johnson:Say as little as you can while reacting properly and moving the conversation along in whatever direction they want.
Johnson:Make it as unbalanced a conversation as possible.
Johnson:Don’t interrupt them, and try to coax as many stories from them as possible.
Johnson:Note how willing they are to speak about themselves in detail.
Johnson:Is this easy or difficult for you?
Johnson:Did it feel unnatural to ask people deeply about their day and focus on them?
Johnson:If it did, then you just might need to practice shutting up more!
Johnson:By the way, much of what has been discussed regarding listening thus far is about how to resist your selfish tendencies to seize the spotlight and share to your heart’s content.
Johnson:But if you have that, so does the person across from you.
Johnson:Step aside and give them the chance to be selfish in an effort to better your communication.
Johnson:As we wrap up this chapter, remember, effective communication begins with active listening.
Johnson:You have to truly hear what other people are saying, not just waiting for your chance to speak.
Johnson:This simple mindset shift can transform your conversations and build deeper connections.
Johnson:Here's the main takeaway from today's episode.
Johnson:There's more to do with people skills before we ever open our mouths.
Johnson:It's about listening and validation, which are somewhat lost arts.
Johnson:Simply put, are you listening in your interactions?
Johnson:Or are you simply waiting for your turn to speak?
Johnson:This is an important distinction, as the former creates flowing conversation, and the latter creates battling monologues.
Johnson:There are many aspects of listening that are similar to validation, as they are focused on providing a specific positive outcome.
Johnson:And with that, we wrap up this episode with a quote from Stephen King.
Johnson:We make up stories about each other's lives.
Johnson:If we listen hard enough, we might actually hear something.
Johnson:If you're listening to the story of a 22, who is actually including us, if you can view the knowledge of course, we will try to use a similar shout-ofishing message.
