Mastering Style And Tone

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,: 2023

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We're going to be taking a look at how to eliminate crutch words, getting comfortable with pausing, avoiding the dangers of hedging language, understanding upspeak, talk about five types of communication, tone, and using signposts effectively. This episode is from the book how to Speak Effectively Influence, Engage in Charm by Patrick King. Available on Amazon, Audible and itunes. Thanks for joining us. So, um, you probably already, like, know what crutch words are and, well, how they can undermine your communication and stuff, you know. Right? If that makes sense? It’s not uncommon to feel a little flustered when speaking.

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It’s not uncommon to feel distracted, unprepared, or unfocused. After all, the communication we’re talking about is everyday communication—not carefully crafted speeches and presentations. Natural speech is often a little disjointed, loose, and open-ended. Crutch words or “filler words” can act like necessary padding or pauses to help us catch our breath, collect our thoughts, and process the next thing we want to say. The trouble is when this kind of fluff language takes over and starts detracting from the overall message. A crutch word helps prop you up, but it can make you harder to understand, hurt your credibility, and distract from what you’re saying. So much of what we say is socially and culturally coded, and filler words can come with an enormous set of assumptions, insinuations, and prejudices.

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Words like um, ah, well, you know, like, so, right, okay, and hm can be like little speed bumps that interrupt the flow of your message. It’s easy to see why—if you’re talking to someone who is showing you that every third or fourth word they use essentially has no meaning, are you likely to pay more or less attention to what they say? The irony is that in using crutch words to fill an awkward silence, we end up diluting our message and making it less likely that people pay attention to all those other, non-crutch words. More than this, using crutch words can actively annoy people and signal a subtle lack of conversational awareness and etiquette. Consider that when you open your mouth, you are “taking the floor,” even if it’s in a very casual and free-form setting. You are holding the mic, so to speak. If people get the sense that you are hogging this position without really saying anything, they are likely to get annoyed or bored, and they may be tempted to interrupt or just ignore you.

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Get Comfortable with Pausing To get rid of an overreliance on crutch words, you need to learn to do one thing: embrace silence. Usually, filler words and fluff are there to deal with a mild sense of anxiety, to fill the void, and to keep up feeling of flow when you’re not quite sure what you’re saying next. But if you actively embrace those (natural) pauses in speech, you empower yourself to be a more proactive, conscious, and confident speaker. You are not afraid of awkward silences—you are actively using them as one of the many tools you have in your conversational itinerary. If you have a bad crutch word habit, don’t worry—this can actually be used to your advantage. By replacing every crutch word with a thoughtful, assured pause, you communicate a few powerful things to your audience: You are confident, either in yourself or in what you have to say. You do not feel that you need to quickly say your piece or rush through what you’re saying for fear that you’ll be interrupted or ignored.

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In treating your own message with this kind of attention and respect, you convey to others a belief in its value, and they can’t help but do the same. You show consideration for your audience. If someone is blundering and blathering on with very little thought for how clear their message is or how it may be coming across, they signal a disregard for the other person. All of us need to carefully consider how we present ourselves, and too many filler words can make for a boring and confusing listening experience for an audience. However, if other people get the sense that you are being deliberate about how you speak, you create a frame of mutual respect and consideration, which automatically elevates whatever conversation you’re having. It helps you stay calm. A pause is a moment in which you can gather yourself—and it’s also a moment for the audience to process and digest what you’re sharing.

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It’s the difference between gobbling down a meal without thinking versus savoring each bite and pausing after each mouthful. The breath is connected to our state of anxiety—and if we’re talking constantly, we’re usually not breathing, and this fuels anxiety. Just stop, take a breath, and let the conversation expand a little and relax. Finally, a pause can actually help you make your point. It’s a mistake to think that silence is empty space or some kind of lost opportunity where you could have been speaking instead. A pause has power. Pausing at the right moment can alert your audience to the fact that you’re about to say something important.

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It can help you build suspense and then release it. When you pause after something important, it can show the audience that you want them to really think about what you’ve just said. It gives you time to lean on other, non-verbal elements of your communication—such as your eye contact or body language. This can be more effective that just talking and talking. Here is a two-step exercise you can try to break the crutch word habit and come across with more confidence and clarity. Step 1: Pay attention. Actually listen to how you currently speak.

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This requires awareness in the moment, but it’s even better if you can somehow record yourself during a conversation so you can play it back and see just how often you’re relying on crutch words. You may be surprised! Try to notice not only when you’re resorting to filler and fluff, but also to how this is impacting the conversation, how people’s energy and attention levels are changing, how the conversation is flowing, and how anxious or confident you feel. Recording may be difficult, but you can also gain some insight by filming yourself telling a story. The idea is to get a good snapshot of the role this kind of language is presently playing in your life. Step 2: The next bit is difficult but becomes easier with practice. Just keep quiet!

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Force yourself to say nothing instead of using a crutch word. You don’t have to speak in a smooth, uninterrupted flow—just stay quiet if you’re not sure what to say. Try to teach yourself that a pause is not a problem. Sure, if you just go silent for longer than five or six seconds, your listeners may start to wonder, but you may discover you seldom need that long to gather your thoughts, and that people are rather tolerant and will wait. Then, repeat step 1 and notice how different it feels to pause instead of um and ah. Notice how you feel and how other people respond to you. You may also find that pausing in this way has other related benefits: You speak more slowly, more deliberately, and with more assuredness.

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You find yourself taking yourself more seriously! The Dangers of “Hedging Language” Imagine someone said the following to you: “I was just wondering, I don’t know, maybe we could potentially slow down a little with this new launch, just until we have more clarity on the funding situation. I don’t mean to offend or anything, don’t get me wrong, and I suppose this could just be, like, my issue, but I just feel that we could possibly pause here and, uh, reassess. Do you know what I mean? Haha, sorry if all that doesn’t make any sense!" Do you get the feeling that this person is calm, confident, and self-assured? Do you get the feeling that they are knowledgeable, competent experts?

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Are you inspired to listen to them and come along to their point of view? Probably not. “Hedging” or “softening” language is a way to reduce what we’re saying, to make it smaller, more polite, and less certain. It absolutely has a place whenever tact, diplomacy, and etiquette are required. In fact, it plays a vital role in communication of all kinds. However, like filler words and crutches, it can do more harm than good. Imagine the same message conveyed as follows: “I think we’re moving a little fast on this.

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I would prefer personally to slow down until we have more clarity on the funding situation, although I do appreciate this may not be the majority view. What’s your take on it? Is it essential that we launch this week?" The message is the same, but the frame has positioned the speaker in an entirely different light. Watch out for the following: Maybe, could be, might, possibly, potentially, etc. Using these words is often an attempt to convey the uncertainty of the information, but it only makes you look uncertain. Instead, say: What you mean.

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Be direct and assertive without being rude. Does that make sense? Sorry I’m not making sense. Don’t deliberately invite people to devalue what you say. Usually, people say this not when they’re afraid of being misunderstood, but when they want to signal submission and compliance. Instead, say: Nothing. Say what you mean, and if the other person misunderstands, they can ask for clarification.

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Do you know what I mean? Right? Don’t you agree? This can come across as excessively seeking approval or validation ... and consequently communicating that you don’t feel sure in what you’re saying. This can put people on the spot or make you seem needy or unreliable. Instead say: “What’s your opinion on this?" I feel, I suppose, it’s just me, I wonder, I’m worried, etc.

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Using “I feel” when you really mean “I think” or even “I believe” weakens your position. Using lots of emotive, self-effacing, or self-referencing language can create a frame that makes you look reactive and passive. Instead say: “I think,” or simply state your perceptions without personalizing or psychologizing them. Hedging language, as you’ve probably noticed, tends to happen more with women. Whether women are naturally more effusive and submissive in conversations, or social norms have conditioned women to diminish themselves when speaking up, is a moot point. Whatever the truth, sadly there are some asymmetries in the way people perceive male and female speakers. A woman, for example, may be perceived as bossy and domineering when behaving in ways that are considered merely assertive for men, yet if she uses hedging language, she will not really be taken seriously.

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In the same way, a man may be encouraged to present himself as more certain and in control than he really feels, causing misunderstandings. Yet if he uses softer, more hedging language, again he will be perceived as less trustworthy and competent, even when this really signals a more nuanced and sophisticated understanding of his own message. All of this is to say that something like hedging or crutch words are not absolute phenomena, but rather something that interacts with culture, gender, and so on. Furthermore, you may consciously choose to use hedging if you actually want to come across as non-threatening (for example, in diffusing conflict or in a tricky negotiation). When speaking (especially in a professional context), it’s almost always better to be • concise • calm • clear This does not mean rude or curt. Upspeak and the Mystery of Tone A related linguistic phenomenon is what is called upspeak (also called uptalk, “valley girl speak,” or high rising terminal—HRT). Even if you’ve never heard the name of this phenomenon, you already know what it is, and you’ve heard plenty of it whether you know it or not!

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Rather than creating a frame of imposing demands, upspeak establishes an intention of collaboration and ease, which may be just as important in the workplace. So, should you avoid upspeak or embrace it confidently? Well, as with anything to do with language and communication, the answer is: it depends. If you are a woman, refusing to apologize for your normal speech patterns is likely to give you a valuable sense of assertiveness and confidence. This also applies to your regional accent and any vocal markers of class or social status—if a certain linguistic idiosyncrasy is yours, then “own” it. Excellent communicators do not all speak identically, and they are not afraid to be distinctive in the way they speak. However, they do all share the ability to be conscious of what they are saying, how they are saying it, and the effect they are having on others.

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Women do not need to speak like men do in order to be taken seriously. However, if a woman becomes aware that she is coming across as uncertain, unconfident, or nervous, then she can consciously take steps to remedy this. The key, then, is not whether you use upspeak, but whether your total expression is one of confidence and poise. Upspeak, like any vocal style, is likely to become grating if overused. Record yourself and try to spot instances of rising pitch. Experiment with taking those same words and giving them a neutral or even downward inflection at the end. Notice the effect it has on you, your message, and your listener.

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A little upspeak here and there is probably a good thing and contributes to articulate, varied, and lively tone, but too much can be a bad thing. The Five Types of Communication Tone Why exactly is it that upspeak can be such a problem? One reason is that it creates an inappropriate communication tone. A communication tone is a little like a vocal frame. It’s about how you use words and phrases to establish the kind of communication that can happen. A company will tend to use a more formal tone with shareholders and investors, but adopt a friendlier, more persuasive tone in marketing to its customers. Naturally, the tone we use—our register or the way we “pitch” our message—has a lot to do with the reason we’re communicating in the first place.

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Upspeak, then, can be a problem if it conveys a tone of informality and casualness in a situation that calls for more formality and restraint. Tone of voice expresses your message, your intention, your feelings ... but it also affects how people see that message, and the intentions and feelings they ascribe to you. In essence, there are always two streams of information every time we communicate: what we are saying and all the extra data that comes from how we say it. Type 1: Informative This is the communication tone that is neutral, objective, and calmly rational. It’s the way your doctor speaks to you, or the language of an encyclopedia or service professional. The actual data itself is front and center, not the person sharing that data, or the context, or the relationship between speaker and listener. Type 2: Humorous In other words, comedy and fun.

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Well-paced levity can ease tensions, make you stand out from the crowd, or get your point across quickly. In the wrong place, humor can be disrespectful, unprofessional, or just weird. Type 3: Respectful This is a step or two beyond just informative—it’s deliberately polite and considerate, seeking to be pleasant, inoffensive, and accommodating. This is almost exclusively the tone of communication between strangers or people in shared public places, where etiquette and social norms stave off the most common misunderstandings or awkwardness. Type 4: Formal The kind of tone you find in academic and professional settings. Formal speech uses longer words, longer sentences, and no slang or colloquialisms. Its emphasis is on correctness and a certain portrayal of high standards.

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Type 5: Informal The opposite: a more conversational tone. The voice you use outside of professional situations, either with friends or family. Miscommunication can occur when we are using a tone that doesn’t suit the context or the message, or we are communicating with someone who is using a different tone from ours. For example, you are using an informal and overly familiar tone with an employee you’re in the process of disciplining, you are using a humorous tone in a difficult situation with people you don’t know well, or you are using a respectful and informative tone when someone has raised a personal grievance with you. The problem is not the tone but the mismatch between the tone and the intention. Effective communication depends on many different factors—what you’re saying, your empathy levels, the platform or medium, and so on—but tone may be the most important. A Grammarly and Harris online poll found that fifty-three percent of knowledge workers felt that the tone of a message was more important than the content.

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That means that clarity and factual accuracy are only a part of a good message—the way those facts are framed is also important. Furthermore, “intent is not the same as impact”—in other words, simply feeling a certain way means little unless you are able to actually convey that to your listeners. How can you be more conscious of tone in professional settings? It can be a difficult balance to strike. Here are a few tips to navigate what can be tricky waters: Strike a balance between friendly and business-like Only you will know about your unique workplace culture and context, but try to imagine social niceties and friendliness acting as a kind of buffer or lubricant. For example, you might make a comment about the weather or ask how a person is, but for the purpose of easing into business and quickly warming up before talking more formally. The friendliness is there to assist but is not the main focus.

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So, that means that a ten-minute conversation about details of your personal life, or an impassioned rant about the weather, is inappropriate. Be confident but not arrogant One way to do this is to focus on the content—be clear, calm, and assured in what you’re saying, but don’t let this turn into personal confidence or, even worse, egotism. The surest way to hold your own without conveying a sense of superiority or haughtiness is to show no hesitance in sharing your own opinion or position, but be graceful enough to ask their opinion, request help, or admit that you’re wrong, unsure, or don’t know. Aim to be concise but never curt You can almost always get your message across with fewer words than you think! You’re communicating for a reason. What is it? Make sure that you are clear on the crux of your message so that when you deliver it to your audience, you can do so with minimal distraction or irrelevancy.

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In other words, get to the point! However, the ordinary conventions of politeness will go a long way in stopping you from coming across as rude or too blunt. Ask questions, say please and thank you, and always add a little buffer before and after what you say, rather than just blurting things out. Instead of being emotional, be compelling We’ve seen that hedging language, upspeak, and using too many crutch words can make you appear weak or overly emotional. You are never required to pretend you don’t have feelings or emotions, but a professional and self-regulated person takes on the responsibility of being selective with how they express this emotion. It doesn’t matter if you’re “right” to feel how you feel—people seldom continue to listen to someone who is overcome with anger, fear, or upset. Instead, make your case with compelling arguments, give your evidence, and be as persuasive as you can.

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If you’re worked up, you may need to take a step back and cool off before deciding what to say and how. Be genuine but also stay flexible You need to “be yourself” (in all contexts, not just professional ones), but that doesn’t mean that you should relentlessly center your own perspective at the expense of the people you’re talking to. You might be a genuinely straight-talking, no-nonsense kind of person, but if the person you’re talking to is more nuanced, sensitive, and delicate, then respect that and dial down your tone. You can still be who you are, but be considerate of how the message, the context, and other people may require you to adjust and adapt. Overall, professionalism is about awareness—it’s about knowing that what you say has impact, and deliberately taking steps to speak in a way that gets you what you want while respecting the context and the people you’re talking to. Returning to the question of upspeak, then: you may well be perceived as frivolous, uneducated, or annoying if you use upspeak in a professional capacity because it simply does not fit the context. But by the same token, someone who is using an overly stiff and formal communication tone in a casual setting is making the same mistake and showing that they lack situational awareness.

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The answer to “What’s the best tone to use?” is always “the tone that best matches the context and which will most likely be received by my listeners." How to Use Signposts What is the function of road signs when you’re driving? They’re there to let you know what’s coming up, to alert you to exactly where you are, the direction you’re going in, and where you’re likely to end up if you carry on your route. Conversational “road signs” serve a similar function. They are verbal and non-verbal markers that tell your listeners what kind of “journey” they’re going on, where they are, and where you are taking them. The concept of signposting is most seen in public speaking, where the speaker is expected to move the audience through a sequence of clearly marked key points arranged in a logical argument with clear transitions from one idea to the next. This helps the audience “connect the dots” and see your argument as a whole.

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It's easy to forget just how important it is to do this. When you are on your own, the things you already know occupy your mind in a diffuse, all-at-once state. You have already formed your opinions, made your connections, and arrived at your conclusions. It’s easy to forget that when you open your mouth to speak to others, they haven’t done all this. This is why signposting is so important. You need to structure your thoughts and ideas as an organized narrative, with one step leading to the other. Signposting is commonly thought of as a way to keep your listeners engaged and listening to what you say.

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But it’s more than this. Signposts help your audience come along with you on a cognitive journey so that they can truly understand, arriving at your conclusion as a matter of process rather than simply having you tell them some disconnected bits of information. Signposting helps guide listeners through a unique perspective. It helps facilitate their mental processing and categorization of the information you’re sharing—and do so in a way that helps make your case. If you’re driving along a road that suddenly ends, splits without warning, or takes you to a surprise destination, you’ll feel disoriented or even totally lost. The same thing happens when you signpost incorrectly—and your audience will not want to continue listening to you. In the same way, a long car journey where there are no signs at all and no indication of how far you’ve gone or what’s coming next can lead you to feel bored and irritable.

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That’s why some speakers fail to hold anyone’s attention—they’ve failed to use any signposts. Now, signposting is not just for people making corporate presentations or keynote speeches. It’s for anyone who wants to hold people’s attention for longer than two minutes, or tell a good story. The skills are the same. Take a look at the nine most common types of signposts and how to use them. Transitioning to a New Point Though you are presenting the audience with a thread of reason that runs all through your argument, you are not just jumping from one idea to the next. You need to signal when you are moving on to a new distinct idea or point, even if it is related to the previous one (and frankly, it should be). •“Moving on to my second point ... ” •“Another separate but related issue is ... ” •“Now that I’ve told you about ... I want to switch and talk about ... ” Bear in mind that signposts can be verbal but also nonverbal.

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You can signal a change in idea by switching to a new slide on a presentation; or, in a more casual context, literally listing out points on your fingers; or altering your expression or body language to show that you’re changing tack. Providing More Details on One Point Help the audience visualize the hierarchy that your ideas fall into so they can easily see which ideas are offered as main themes and which are given as secondary examples, evidence, or counterpoints of those main themes. •“I now want to say a bit more about ... ” •“If we zoom in on ... ” •“Taking a closer look at this point here ... ” As you can see, many verbal cues are in fact verbal in nature (zoom in, take a look, etc.) and help your audience to visualize. Linking Similar Points Together You might need to add a related point to the one you’ve made already. Make sure you signal that you are giving another point that is distinct, but still related to the previous one, to make sure that people don’t think you’re broaching an entirely new idea or even offering a counterargument. Don’t just make a point—let people know its relationship to the point before it, and to the argument in general. •“In the same way ... ” •“To explain this, we need to understand a second idea ... ” •“What that implies is ... ” Introducing the Opposite View It can be extremely disorienting to hear a person go on at length about something that seems to be the opposite of the point they’re making. This happens when they don’t use a deliberate signpost that signals “I’m about to tell you something different from the main point I’m making." It might seem obvious to you as the speaker, but remember that your listener hasn’t arrived there yet, and you have to show them both sides, making it clear that they are, in fact, in opposition. •“Nevertheless ... ” •“On the other hand ... ” •“Critics of this line of reasoning tend to say that ... ” Changing Topic It’s frustrating when there is no verbal or non-verbal gap in a person’s stream of speech, but they have completely switched topic without telling you.

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If you do this, you risk leaving your audience behind completely and wasting your breath! “Now, let’s consider something completely different ... ” “I’d like to pause here and take a look at something else for a moment ... ” Changing Topic—But Just for a Moment When you are reading written words, you can usually see when the author has placed some extra information in brackets. But when you are speaking, you might “open a bracket” and leave your audience hanging and wondering when you will close it again. You need to use signposts to show your listeners that you have taken a temporary detour to express some other loosely connected point, but that you will return again shortly. It’s great if you can clearly show what the detour is, why you’re making it, how it relates, and how soon you’re coming back to the main “road." •“As a quick side note ... ” •“Let me deviate for a minute ... ” •“Now, to get back to our original argument ... ” Returning to Earlier Points Repetition can be deathly boring if done out of carelessness or lack of skill, but extremely powerful if done consciously and on purpose. Return only to those points that are genuinely most important—a common technique is to conclude by reiterating the claim you made at the beginning. •“Because of how important it is, I’ll say it again ... ” •“To recap ... ” •“I’d like to return, then, to what I said earlier ... ” Returning to Previous Examples The same can be done with more specific examples, points of evidence, or little details. The effect can be to draw your listener in and encourage agreement, especially if you incorporate a rhetorical question or question tag: •“Remember when I mentioned ... ?" •“Let’s go back to the start of the story, shall we?" •“You’ll remember Frank, who you’ve already met at the start of the story ... ” Summarizing Naturally, at the end of speaking, you want to pull everything you’ve said together and present it nicely with a bow on top.

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The flow of a presentation is usually to present your point, elaborate on it and support it, then summarize it to close. Having a decisive conclusion is a courtesy to the listener, but it also helps you emphasize and reiterate and close in a controlled, deliberate way—the same way you put a period at the end of a sentence. •“So to wrap up ... ” •“To summarize all that ... ” •“To close this off ... ” Now, while all of this seems pretty clear on paper, there is a knack to doing it well in real life! In a way, a formal presentation in a professional context is easier since we have time to prepare and plan. In more natural, casual conversations, all the same rules apply, but we often have to think on our feet. Before we end this chapter (isn’t that a nice signpost?), let’s consider one bad habit that will totally destroy other people’s willingness to listen to you. Have you ever been socializing and felt yourself trapped in a “conversation” with someone who simply would not stop talking? It’s as though once they opened their mouths, they could not physically close it again.

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You felt bored, irritated, and desperate to run away. Why? Poor signposting. To make sure that you’re not being this person (and yes, you could be, considering how seldom anyone actually tells someone else “you’re boring me to tears”), pay attention to the structure of what you’re saying. Even if you only speak for fifteen seconds, what you say needs to have a main point, it needs to be introduced, supported, or expanded on in some way, then concluded. If you don’t, you risk trapping you both in a never-ending story. Avoid: “Going off on a tangent”—Does the piece of information directly relate to your main point?

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Leave it out. If you insist on saying it, wait your turn to speak next and launch a different, separate thread. Repeating the same material—Say what you need to, say it once with a little expansion, then drop it. Your listeners heard you! Starting the story too early—If you want to tell someone about an interesting person you met, don’t start the story a month before when you were reading a book that reminded you to go to an event that you went to and met someone, who then in turn introduced you to the second person ... Just start at the point you met them. Carrying the story on for too long—Have a clear idea of where the “punchline” is. Once you’ve made your point, don’t then get tempted to start up a fresh idea or expand some auxiliary point.

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It will feel like you’re overstaying your welcome, so to speak. Delving into pointless detail and rebuttal—If you dwell too long on some minor detail of the story, it’s as though the car has stalled on the journey. Your listeners will simply register you as having gotten distracted from telling your own story, and they’ll stop paying attention. Similarly, don’t get too carried away entertaining every little possible variant or argument against what you’re saying—you don’t have all day! If you’ve ever been accused of “talking too much,” rest assured that you can become a better storyteller. It’s about quality, not quantity. The irony is that it’s usually when we feel that people aren’t listening that we tend to do worse with signposting and structuring our speech.

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But the truth is that if you are clear and organized and have enough consideration to deliver your message in a digestible form for your audience, they will often return this consideration by listening to you for a lot longer than you’d think. Summary: •A few crutch words like um, ah, well, you know, like, so, right, and okay are natural, but too many can undermine your credibility and make it more difficult to understand you. Instead, become aware of the habit and consciously replace crutch words and empty language with confident silence. Being calm and thoughtful shows consideration for your audience and gets your point across more effectively. •Likewise try to avoid hedging or softening language and instead be clear, concise, and confident in your expression. •Your communication tone is like a vocal frame you set, so pay attention to whether you are being informative, humorous, respectful, formal, or informal. No tone is wrong, but a mismatch between tone and intention, or tone and context, can be a problem. •Be especially conscious of upspeak (making statements with the intonation that belongs to questions), and ask whether it may be damaging your credibility or interfering with your message. •With tone, strike a balance between friendly and business-like, confident and arrogant, concise and curt, emotional and merely compelling, and so on. Professionalism is about awareness and deliberately taking steps to speak in a way that gets you what you want while respecting the context and your audience. •Especially with public speaking, use signposts—which are verbal and non-verbal markers that tell your listeners what kind of “journey” they’re going on, where they are, and where you are taking them. Use a signpost every time you want to transition, give further detail, link points, change topics, offer a counterpoint, or summarize.

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