“I Can’t” vs. “I Don’t”

You might be surprised to know that how we talk to ourselves can impact our ability to say no. The Journal of Consumer Research published a study in which 120 students were divided into two groups—the “I can’t” group and the “I don’t” group. One group was told that each time they were faced with temptation, they were to tell themselves, “I can’t do X.” For example, when tempted with chocolate, they were to say, “I can’t eat chocolate.” The other group, the “I don’t” group, was instructed to say, “I don’t do X,” or, in the case of chocolate, “I don’t eat chocolate.”

The results of this study showed the major impact that just a slight difference in vocabulary can make on our ability to say no, to resist temptation, and to motivate goal-directed behavior. The “I don’t” group was overwhelmingly more successful in its ability to say no.

If you tell yourself “I can’t,” you’re simply reminding yourself of the limitations you’ve set for yourself. You’re creating a feedback loop in your brain that tells you that you can’t do something that you would normally want to do. “I can’t” becomes an exercise in self-discipline, which is not something you want to constantly depend on.

On the other hand, when you tell yourself “I don’t,” you’re creating a feedback loop that reminds you of your power and control of the situation. You’ve given yourself a line in the sand that takes the situation out of your hands. Your choice was premade to say no and thus you can stick to it more easily. By simply changing one word when we talk to ourselves, we can change our behavior. When people hear “don’t,” it’s more of a hard boundary, whereas “can’t” typically implies an open-ended answer that encourages people to try to persuade and coax you.

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For example, consider a situation in which someone on a diet is offered a calorie-loaded dessert. If they say “I can’t,” they are reminding themselves of the limitations created by their diet. They have thought about it and made an active decision to say no. If they instead say “I don’t” when offered the same dessert, they’ll be taking control of the situation and only have to stick to their premade decision. They’ll be reminding themselves that they don’t eat foods that are full of calories.

The “I don’t” mantra can be an invaluable tool in our daily lives. In saying “I don’t let my friends talk me into things I don’t want to do” or “I don’t eat between meals,” we make it a lot easier to say no or resist temptation. We also empower ourselves and make it much easier to achieve our goals and objectives. We are talking both to ourselves and the requesters.

You’ve got a policy and you’re sticking it!

Rejecting Categories

In learning to say no, the same “I don’t” principle applies to someone who gets repeated requests for favors or obligations. Instead of reviewing each request separately, you might consider rejecting the entire category.

In other words, instead of reviewing each request and making an “I can” or an “I can’t” decision, you’ll find that it’s much more empowering to reject all requests that are in a certain category, such as “Sorry, I don’t do those types of meetings anymore.” You make an appeal to not accepting exceptions outside of a rule, which sounds more certain and impregnable.

This approach will take all of the decision-making out of requests from other people and you’ll find that it’s much easier to say no to these requests. Yes, you can make exceptions to requests when it’s something you really want to do or really need to do, but you’ll find that it will be much easier to opt in to a request than it is to opt out. Just like with saying “I don’t” as opposed to “I can’t,” refusing an entire category is a boundary that most people will accept. If they sense you make exceptions frequently, they will attempt to persuade you to let them be yet another one.

As an example, our old friend Jack is a well-known author whose crime novels have sold hundreds of thousands of copies. As a result, he gets numerous requests from groups who invite him to attend their meetings and discuss these books. Inundated with requests from groups as small as five or six people and as large as 200 people, Jack has established his own criteria for speaking to groups about his books.

He won’t speak to any groups of less than 20 and he won’t make any group presentations in the months of May through August, as those are the months he wants to use to write his next book and those are also months when his kids are out of school and he wants to make sure he spends time with them then.

In forming his own restrictive criteria to filter guest speaking requests, Jack finds it much easier to say no to many of the numerous requests he receives. He already knows what his rules are, and it’s easier to abide by a blanket rule than decide who deserves to be an exception.

Once again, if it’s difficult for you to say no, you should resolve to start rejecting categories. Resolve to say no whenever someone asks you for a favor. Automatically reject the request, categorically. Then, if it is something you really want to do, you can always opt in and say yes. But no should be your preferred response.

If you have people in your life who make repeated requests, it might be better to preempt their request. “I know you’re moving at the end of the month. If you need help moving, I’ll have to take a raincheck this time around. My wife and I agreed that we should make an effort to spend more time with the kids.”

Keep It Simple

The best way to say no is to be simple and straightforward. There are no tricks around how to do it; it’s just the inherent discomfort and tension of the act.

If you’ve been passive for a long time, people are going to be surprised when you say no. And if you’re dealing with someone who has an alpha personality, they will almost surely try to get you to change your decision. Heck, your lack of assertiveness might be why they hang around you in the first place, and it’s tough to change that relationship dynamic once it’s been set. Expect pushback and shock when you change the dynamic.

The worst thing you can do in such a predicament is revise your decision. If you do, know that you’ll have to face the same predicament with the same person whenever they have future requests. And they’ll know that your no is negotiable. Become a broken record. Each time they ask, answer with a quick and simple no, leaving no room for negotiation. If you appear to have wiggle room, you’ll just be encouraging people to continue to persuade you.

Resist the moment. The toughest time in saying no usually occurs right after you do so. It’s then when you want to offer help, keep talking, or do anything to reduce the tension that your no has created. This is usually the time when you start wavering: “Well, if you really need my help, I guess I could…” “I’d rather not, but…” Resist the temptation and stay silent, because your assertiveness is often lost in that moment.

When saying no, remember that you don’t need to make excuses. You can say you’re busy, it’s not in your wheelhouse, or whatever your reason is, but that’s it. Leave it at that. If you still feel the need to add a “because” at the end of your sentence, keep it short and simple and don’t elaborate on the details. The more details you give, the more fodder you give people to pick at. For instance, if you say no to helping a friend move because you need to walk your cat in the morning, you create an avenue for people to dispute that you need to walk a cat at all.

Don’t hem and haw your way through a lame explanation on why you said no. Don’t feel compelled to share an alternative or something that can make up for your no. It’s okay to just say no. No further explanation is needed. Overall, remember that “No” can be a complete sentence.