How To Make People Crave Your Presence: The Subtle Art Of Likability
Learn the subtle art of likability and how to make people crave your
presence. Discover the secrets of context-dependent memory and how it
can enhance your social skills.
The Science of Likability: 67 Evidence-Based Methods to Radiate
Charisma, Make a Powerful Impression, Win Friends, and Trigger
Attraction (4th Ed.) (The Psychology of Social Dynamics Book 12) By:
Patrick King
Hear it Here - https://adbl.co/3BXFuHQ
Transcript
The Science of Likability:
Speaker:67 Evidence-Based Methods to Radiate Charisma,
Speaker:Make a Powerful Impression,
Speaker:Win Friends,
Speaker:and Trigger Attraction (4th Ed.)
Speaker:(The Psychology of Social Dynamics Book 12)
Speaker:Written by
Speaker:Patrick King, narrated by russell newton.
Speaker:Introduction.
Speaker:Like many college underclassmen who had no idea what they wanted to study,
Speaker:I chose to major in psychology.
Speaker:I thought it was a good default choice because the knowledge theoretically had
Speaker:wide application and could transfer to any other field.
Speaker:After all,
Speaker:psychology is the study of why people,
Speaker:and I would be dealing with people anywhere I went,
Speaker:right?
Speaker:It also didn’t hurt that I heard the vast majority of the classes had
Speaker:open-book,
Speaker:multiple-choice midterms and finals.
Speaker:So I checked the box next to “Bachelor of Science in Psychology” and went
Speaker:on with my day.
Speaker:It was something I devoted all of ten minutes of thought to,
Speaker:but in reality,
Speaker:I could have done much worse.
Speaker:Psychology has turned out to be incredibly applicable to my life,
Speaker:relationships,
Speaker:and career.
Speaker:Psychology isn’t about reading minds or interpreting dreams,
Speaker:though that’s the impression some people may have.
Speaker:It’s more accurate to say that psychology is the study of why people do the
Speaker:things they do—beyond the obvious reasons you can see on the surface and
Speaker:often beyond people’s own understanding and consciousness.
Speaker:This has obvious applications,
Speaker:such as seeing why some advertisements are more effective than others,
Speaker:why a child will rush to do something they are explicitly told not to do,
Speaker:and the plain effect on behavior that positive and negative associations can
Speaker:have.
Speaker:But the biggest takeaway from my degree was that so many of our decisions are
Speaker:made completely subconsciously and without any awareness on our part.
Speaker:Our conscious thought follows our subconscious will,
Speaker:and it often isn’t until far after we act that we figure out what actually
Speaker:happened.
Speaker:We may think we are acting logically and reasonably in a situation—we may
Speaker:even use defense mechanisms to defend and justify our actions—but this is
Speaker:just our subconscious getting its way.
Speaker:For example,
Speaker:one of the more famous experiments in psychology was called the Little Albert
Speaker:experiment,
Speaker:conducted in 1920 by the famous psychologist John Watson.
Speaker:It involved the eponymous baby,
Speaker:Little Albert,
Speaker:who was presented with a white rat and nothing else.
Speaker:He had no reaction,
Speaker:positive or negative.
Speaker:Albert had yet to be conditioned or socialized in any way regarding rats.
Speaker:Next,
Speaker:the researchers paired the rat with a loud crashing noise,
Speaker:which frightened Albert and made him cry in most instances.
Speaker:After only a couple of exposures pairing the rat and the crashing noise,
Speaker:Albert was presented with the rat alone again.
Speaker:He reacted as if the crashing noise was also present;
Speaker:he had become afraid of the rat by itself.
Speaker:But if he could talk,
Speaker:he wouldn’t have been able to explain why.
Speaker:He just knew that anything involving the rat was bad.
Speaker:He had started associating the rat with the loud noise that frightened him and
Speaker:wasn’t consciously aware of why he was suddenly recoiling and crying whenever
Speaker:he saw the rat by itself.
Speaker:On the one hand,
Speaker:this tendency to be quickly conditioned to avoid negative situations is
Speaker:something that probably has evolutionary roots.
Speaker:If you didn’t quickly learn that furry,
Speaker:growling animals with large teeth were bad news,
Speaker:you likely didn’t stay alive too long.
Speaker:Regardless,
Speaker:Little Albert provided insight into how something seemingly so subtle and
Speaker:unrelated could affect people’s actions in very real ways.
Speaker:If people can be subconsciously conditioned about negative associations,
Speaker:aren’t there ways that people can be conditioned to react positively to
Speaker:objects and people?
Speaker:What if Little Albert was conditioned to associate positive things with the
Speaker:rat,
Speaker:such as food or his favorite toy?
Speaker:This would make Albert rejoice upon seeing the rat instead of recoiling in
Speaker:horror.
Speaker:Actually,
Speaker:that was proven in 1897,
Speaker:before Albert was even born.
Speaker:This brings us to the most famous psychological experiment of the modern age .-
Speaker:Pavlov’s dog.
Speaker:Ivan Pavlov,
Speaker:a Russian psychologist,
Speaker:noted that his dog began to salivate when he anticipated a meal.
Speaker:So Pavlov began to ring a bell every time he fed his dog,
Speaker:which caused a pairing of the two behaviors - the bell and the dog salivating.
Speaker:When Pavlov started ringing the bell by itself,
Speaker:the dog salivated as if there was actual food coming.
Speaker:Without any real clue as to why,
Speaker:the dog thought he was getting delicious bacon every time he heard the bell.
Speaker:Needless to say,
Speaker:this same effect has been replicated in humans time after time.
Speaker:Little Albert and Pavlov’s dog showed us two sides of the same coin—it is
Speaker:possible for us to become both scientifically desired and despised.
Speaker:It’s probably more helpful to focus on the former,
Speaker:and if a bell can create a positive effect on others,
Speaker:there must be additional,
Speaker:more impactful ways of being scientifically likable.
Speaker:It’s not that we are simply prone to seeing things where they don’t
Speaker:necessarily exist.
Speaker:In reality,
Speaker:our brains are quite malleable and adaptive,
Speaker:and every adjustment or association our brains see is an attempt at efficiency
Speaker:and energy conservation.
Speaker:We take shortcuts as often as possible,
Speaker:but we usually don’t realize it.
Speaker:Actually,
Speaker:that’s exactly what we will seek to take advantage of in this book.
Speaker:My mission is to uncover the most effective,
Speaker:peer-reviewed psychological studies to dig deep and take advantage of what
Speaker:human nature can offer us.
Speaker:Just like our brains take shortcuts to everything else,
Speaker:there certainly exist shortcuts to likability and charm.
Speaker:You’ll learn proven ways to make yourself endearing,
Speaker:likable,
Speaker:funny,
Speaker:convincing,
Speaker:persuasive,
Speaker:trustworthy,
Speaker:credible,
Speaker:and instantly magnetic.
Speaker:You’ll learn why we hit it off with some people but never with others;
Speaker:why we feel chemistry with some people and instantly mutter,
Speaker:“Ugh,
Speaker:not them,” in the presence of others;
Speaker:and why we instinctively trust some people and check for our wallets around
Speaker:others.
Speaker:Using these tactics can certainly be seen as fake or manipulative.
Speaker:I can recognize and sympathize with that perspective.
Speaker:Anytime you are presenting something besides the genuine you and trying to do
Speaker:something slightly sneaky,
Speaker:underhanded,
Speaker:or with ulterior motives,
Speaker:you can feel icky.
Speaker:This is one of the main reasons many people do not prefer sales jobs—there is
Speaker:usually an undercurrent of becoming someone you are not in order to reach the
Speaker:goal of selling something.
Speaker:But my experience as a social skills and dating coach leads me to a different
Speaker:conclusion.
Speaker:Not everyone is born with what you might call social or emotional intelligence,
Speaker:and sometimes people just need a guideline to understanding and connecting with
Speaker:others.
Speaker:It’s no different than thinking about how to prepare for a job interview or a
Speaker:date,
Speaker:and people wear makeup and dress better to make good impressions on people.
Speaker:Indeed,
Speaker:it’s no different than asking a friend for advice on,
Speaker:well,
Speaker:any interpersonal matter.
Speaker:It all serves the same goal.
Speaker:These studies run the gamut from confirmatory and common sense to shocking and
Speaker:counterintuitive and everything in between.
Speaker:Even the common-sense studies are important because,
Speaker:after all,
Speaker:common sense is not really so common.
Speaker:We all live through only the perspective that our experiences show us,
Speaker:and what is common sense to us (for instance,
Speaker:being raised in a rich family and knowing how yachts work)
Speaker:is certainly not common sense to those without our same experiences (for
Speaker:instance,
Speaker:being raised in poverty and never having seen the beach before).
Speaker:Something only seems obvious to us because we have seen it in action,
Speaker:and then you may realize that your sense of common sense amounts to simple
Speaker:anecdotal evidence.
Speaker:And besides,
Speaker:if common sense was truly common,
Speaker:people would generally make better decisions on a daily basis.
Speaker:On the other hand,
Speaker:some you might flat-out deny and not believe what the studies say.
Speaker:But just as heliocentrism (the theory that the sun revolved around the earth
Speaker:instead of the other way around)
Speaker:was thought to be heretical and wrong,
Speaker:sometimes you just have to follow the documented evidence and let go of your
Speaker:preconceptions.
Speaker:Just because it is not immediately obvious doesn’t mean that the figurative
Speaker:dog is not being compelled to salivate.
Speaker:All of that and more is The Science of Likability.
Speaker:Chapter 1.
Speaker:How To Make People Desire Your Presence.
Speaker:Why do some people instantly like us while others seem to be offended by our
Speaker:very existence?
Speaker:Is hitting it off and becoming friends with people purely a roll of the dice,
Speaker:or is there something more we can do to control our chances of connecting with
Speaker:people?
Speaker:For many people,
Speaker:likability does seem to be a game of chance.
Speaker:If you happen to sit next to someone who is similar to you,
Speaker:and who also happens to share a hobby or hometown,
Speaker:then you will have something to connect over.
Speaker:But statistically,
Speaker:that can’t happen with every new friend we make,
Speaker:so things aren’t quite adding up.
Speaker:As we saw from Little Albert and Pavlov’s dog,
Speaker:we are more influenceable than we might assume.
Speaker:People who see likability as completely organic and natural are somewhat
Speaker:misguided because cultivating a feeling of likability around yourself is just
Speaker:like any other emotion—it can be triggered,
Speaker:summoned,
Speaker:eliminated,
Speaker:and ultimately engineered.
Speaker:If we want to make someone angry with us,
Speaker:we certainly know what to do and how to adjust our behavior.
Speaker:If we want to make someone cry,
Speaker:we also know how to create that feeling.
Speaker:Likability is not much different;
Speaker:we push psychological buttons,
Speaker:but for a far more desirable outcome.
Speaker:We all have specific and subtle triggers that influence the way we view others
Speaker:and how they view us.
Speaker:Most of them are minuscule,
Speaker:subconscious,
Speaker:and mired in the minutiae—but these are the details that actually make the
Speaker:difference.
Speaker:If you went into a restaurant and saw only one cockroach hiding in the corner,
Speaker:well,
Speaker:it might be minuscule but still quite important.
Speaker:The first chapter of the book focuses on the small details that comprise our
Speaker:first impressions,
Speaker:an integral part of likability.
Speaker:First impressions run deep,
Speaker:are not subject to change,
Speaker:and are your first opportunity to be likable,
Speaker:so this is as good a place to start as any.
Speaker:Context-Dependent Memories.
Speaker:Memories have long been found to be context-dependent,
Speaker:first by Godden and Baddeley in 1975 in their breakthrough publication
Speaker:“Context-Dependent Memory in Two Natural Environments .- On Land and
Speaker:Underwater,” which means memories are heavily linked to the environment,
Speaker:events,
Speaker:sounds,
Speaker:feelings,
Speaker:and even smells that were present during the formation of the memory.
Speaker:The researchers found that either being on land or underwater led subjects to
Speaker:recall different sets of memories.
Speaker:We can see this in our everyday lives.
Speaker:For instance,
Speaker:this is why so many of us fall into bouts of nostalgia when we hear certain
Speaker:songs—the song is information that is linked to much more than the song
Speaker:itself.
Speaker:This is why smelling a whiff of a buttercream pie takes us back to our
Speaker:grandmother’s homes when we were children.
Speaker:This means memory is not a flat representation of a set of events—it’s a
Speaker:holistic,
Speaker:three-dimensional snapshot of everything that was happening at that exact
Speaker:moment in time.
Speaker:Whatever else you were experiencing at the time is linked to the memory and can
Speaker:be used to bring it back up.
Speaker:Our brains act as sponges,
Speaker:not focused lasers,
Speaker:and absorb both consciously and subconsciously.
Speaker:Obviously,
Speaker:we don’t always realize this because,
Speaker:by nature,
Speaker:the subconscious is beyond our awareness.
Speaker:But you might recall the feeling when you walk into your old school and
Speaker:suddenly memories come flooding into your brain as if on cue.
Speaker:But in fact,
Speaker:a 1994 study by Eich,
Speaker:Macauley,
Speaker:and Ryan titled “Mood Dependent Memory for Events of the Personal Past”
Speaker:found that memories were also mood-dependent.
Speaker:In other words,
Speaker:the mood we had when the memory was formed is also part of the memory.
Speaker:The information is in there somewhere,
Speaker:and Eich and his associates found that appealing to those hidden aspects of
Speaker:memories allows you to influence people’s moods for the better.
Speaker:The researchers created situations to put the participants in either good or
Speaker:bad moods.
Speaker:Then the subjects were given neutral words and asked what type of memories the
Speaker:neutral words evoked.
Speaker:Participants who were in good moods typically recalled positive memories while
Speaker:participants who were in bad moods typically recalled negative memories.
Speaker:And of course,
Speaker:the subsequent memories recalled served to further increase the moods they were
Speaker:in—misery and happiness both grew.
Speaker:Memory and mood are closely linked,
Speaker:and influencing one can influence the other.
Speaker:In other words,
Speaker:if we think about happy memories,
Speaker:our mood rises,
Speaker:and if we think about dreadful memories,
Speaker:our mood plummets.
Speaker:By itself,
Speaker:it’s not a huge revelation.
Speaker:If you think about puppies and kittens racing toward a bowl of food,
Speaker:you are likely to smile and laugh and get cheered up.
Speaker:But never before had it been shown that our moods can be so intimately tied to
Speaker:memories.
Speaker:It also works in reverse;
Speaker:thus,
Speaker:if we can conjure up memories from a mood,
Speaker:we can use memories to conjure up a mood—and remember that memories are both
Speaker:explicit and subconscious.
Speaker:By understanding this relationship,
Speaker:we can sneakily become more likable.
Speaker:We can’t control people’s moods directly,
Speaker:but we can control the memories that they are thinking about to do it
Speaker:indirectly.
Speaker:This is the first step in becoming a presence that people start to crave;
Speaker:if you either (1)
Speaker:directly talk about positive memories or (2)
Speaker:indirectly evoke elements that were present at the time of that positive memory
Speaker:(recall how holistic and three-dimensional memory is),
Speaker:people will slip into the mood they were in during that memory.
Speaker:For instance,
Speaker:suppose you know your friend Dorothy’s happiest moment in life was when she
Speaker:got married to her beloved beau Brian.
Speaker:Her wedding was in a garden with lots of balloons,
Speaker:pillows,
Speaker:and flowers.
Speaker:She had a themed wedding where everyone wore black and silver as a tribute to
Speaker:her favorite band,
Speaker:Kiss.
Speaker:Presumably she was in a good mood that day.
Speaker:So what would you do to improve Dorothy’s mood?
Speaker:You could of course mention her wedding and talk about how amazing it was and
Speaker:how beautiful she looked.
Speaker:But that’s something you already know and don’t need research to teach you.
Speaker:Instead of that,
Speaker:you would indirectly display or reference things that would remind her of that
Speaker:day.
Speaker:You might play Kiss music in the background,
Speaker:you might talk to her outside in a garden,
Speaker:and you might wear a black and silver shirt.
Speaker:You might even bring up a wedding you were at recently,
Speaker:since she has such a fond memory of weddings.
Speaker:Maybe none of these things in isolation would impact Dorothy’s mood,
Speaker:but taken together,
Speaker:these are powerful,
Speaker:indirect reminders and cues for one of her best memories.
Speaker:She will pick up on that and her mood will perk up—though she may not
Speaker:understand why.
Speaker:One more time for posterity - because our memories comprise everything our five
Speaker:senses can absorb,
Speaker:including our moods,
Speaker:directly or indirectly referencing that memory can lead to an improvement in
Speaker:mood.
Speaker:How can we wield this information?
Speaker:If you get a hint that someone is in need of a mood boost,
Speaker:you can talk about things,
Speaker:people,
Speaker:and events that were present when they were in fabulous moods.
Speaker:Reference their greatest triumphs or fondest memories.
Speaker:If you want to amplify someone’s good mood to elation,
Speaker:then do the same thing.
Speaker:Talk to people in terms of what makes them happy,
Speaker:and it will make them happier.
Speaker:It’s not a radical notion,
Speaker:and you didn’t necessarily need a scientific study to demonstrate this
Speaker:commonsensical approach.
Speaker:But now you know why it works,
Speaker:which allows you to be more intentional about it.
Speaker:For instance,
Speaker:if we want to improve someone’s mood,
Speaker:our first inclination might be to simply make a joke or create a distraction
Speaker:like an entire pizza and quart of ice cream.
Speaker:Those approaches are attempting to distract from the poor mood while
Speaker:referencing memories is a direct means of changing it.
Speaker:Take advantage of your knowledge of someone and pull them out of the doldrums
Speaker:by triggering their greatest hits.
Speaker:If you know James had a blast the last time he went skiing,
Speaker:bring up a story he’s told about it.
Speaker:Become his cheerleader.
Speaker:Have him retell it to you.
Speaker:Ask him about the logistics and whether or not he would recommend that
Speaker:particular ski lodge.
Speaker:Talk about the games he played that weekend.
Speaker:Casually reference a video of skiing tricks.
Speaker:Likewise,
Speaker:if James loved biking,
Speaker:you could mention his greatest biking adventure,
Speaker:his longest ride,
Speaker:his favorite bike,
Speaker:his biking buddies,
Speaker:or his latest gear purchase.
Speaker:It makes sense that people like to discuss their favorite topics,
Speaker:but now there is a deeper psychological understanding of why and what it does
Speaker:to someone.
Speaker:Like Pavlov’s dog,
Speaker:this isn’t a process that we are fully aware of until we reach the end result
Speaker:of suddenly salivating.
Speaker:Eich’s study was about influencing people’s moods,
Speaker:not necessarily improving them.
Speaker:In the context of likability,
Speaker:the only way you should be influencing people’s moods is positively,
Speaker:but this subconscious superpower can be used to take people’s moods in any
Speaker:direction you wish.
Speaker:It just won’t necessarily give you a pleasant outcome and subsequent
Speaker:association.
Speaker:No one is drawn to the person that reminds them of the last funeral they went
Speaker:to.
Speaker:The Power Of Association.
Speaker:There is an additional benefit to improving someone’s mood repeatedly - the
Speaker:power of association.
Speaker:If you play your cards right,
Speaker:people will subconsciously start associating their happy moods with you.
Speaker:You become part of their pleasant memory,
Speaker:and they begin to be drawn to you without a conscious understanding of why.
Speaker:When you are successful in creating a happy mood or dragging someone out of the
Speaker:dumps consistently,
Speaker:they will begin to associate you with those positive feelings.
Speaker:As you’ll discover,
Speaker:one of the running themes of this book is that human beings may appear complex
Speaker:and nuanced,
Speaker:but often we make choices that are incredibly straightforward and
Speaker:predictable—for instance,
Speaker:we will almost always make the decision to avoid pain and seek pleasure.
Speaker:You can come up with many theories about the motivations people have for
Speaker:certain things,
Speaker:but it’s a very streamlined decision-making process the vast majority of the
Speaker:time.
Speaker:So we tend to gravitate toward people who make us feel good and away from
Speaker:things that hurt us.
Speaker:We also gravitate toward people and things associated with the people who make
Speaker:us feel good,
Speaker:and this is called classical conditioning.
Speaker:Remember Pavlov’s dog?
Speaker:He would salivate in the presence of positive reinforcement and eventually was
Speaker:conditioned to salivate to only the sound of a bell.
Speaker:Byrne and Clore in 1970 with their reward/need satisfaction theory expanded on
Speaker:Pavlov’s findings and discovered that if people are nearby when we feel good,
Speaker:even if they were not involved in creating the positive feelings,
Speaker:eventually we begin to feel good whenever they are around.
Speaker:When people subconsciously begin to associate you with positive moods and
Speaker:emotions,
Speaker:you are going to be the bell that makes people smile without realizing why.
Speaker:Creating or being present during people’s great moods is one way to become
Speaker:associated with their happiness and for them to want you around.
Speaker:It’s like if you’re a baker and you need a rare kind of flour for your
Speaker:favorite cake.
Speaker:If you see the rare flour,
Speaker:you know you are going to have a chance to bake your favorite cake.
Speaker:It’s not about the flour,
Speaker:and it’s not about you.
Speaker:It’s what you represent and are associated with.
Speaker:The Positivity Spreader.
Speaker:There are two other main ways through which we can take advantage of being
Speaker:liked because others associate us with great feelings - positivity and
Speaker:compliments.
Speaker:The cliché stands true - positivity pays off.
Speaker:In our modern world,
Speaker:there are a lot of unpleasant people,
Speaker:and most people are too absorbed in their own muck to be cheerful to others.
Speaker:You’d be surprised how effective staying in a good mood,
Speaker:putting on a happy face,
Speaker:praising others,
Speaker:and acting positive is.
Speaker:In fact,
Speaker:there is a term for the contagious power of positivity - emotional contagion.
Speaker:This was discovered by Stanley Schachter in 1959 and describes how emotions
Speaker:spread from person to person,
Speaker:both good and bad.
Speaker:Emotions spread like germs or yawns;
Speaker:when you’re happy,
Speaker:people around you become happy.
Speaker:We all infect each other with our emotions if we’re not careful.
Speaker:And of course,
Speaker:people enjoy being happy,
Speaker:so they will naturally want to be around the causes of their happiness.
Speaker:They would rather not be dragged into other people’s problems and have to
Speaker:listen to various personal tragedies.
Speaker:People will associate positive feelings with you and subconsciously want to
Speaker:spend time around you—it’s the brain’s way of telling them to continue
Speaker:producing endorphins.
Speaker:For instance,
Speaker:suppose you brought donuts to every meeting you attended in the office.
Speaker:People will quickly begin to welcome your presence regardless of the meeting,
Speaker:and they won’t even realize that it may be because of the food instead of
Speaker:your shining personality.
Speaker:Eventually,
Speaker:they’ll just want you around,
Speaker:period.
Speaker:There’s nothing wrong with that as long as that’s where it ends,
Speaker:and they use the donuts as an opportunity to discover your charm and wit.
Speaker:Second,
Speaker:we all know that compliments make us more charming.
Speaker:Most people don’t receive compliments on a daily or even weekly basis.
Speaker:By giving someone even a shallow or cursory compliment,
Speaker:you might be 100% of their compliments for the entire week.
Speaker:This isn’t something that will go unnoticed.
Speaker:Compliment them on something shallow (if you must),
Speaker:their personality,
Speaker:or their opinion.
Speaker:Pay attention especially to compliments you can pay in recognizing something
Speaker:that someone has put effort into.
Speaker:Just put someone in a position to say thank you.
Speaker:But there’s a deeper level beyond mere flattery that benefits you even more.
Speaker:It’s called spontaneous trait transference.
Speaker:John Skowronski in 1998 coined this term and argued that people will associate
Speaker:to you the compliments and positive adjectives you give to them.
Speaker:If you call someone generous and kind,
Speaker:they will associate you with those traits as well.
Speaker:No,
Speaker:there is no logical connection,
Speaker:just a simple unconscious association.
Speaker:So give compliments more,
Speaker:and it’s a win-win situation for you.
Speaker:Shut Up And Let ’Em Talk!
Speaker:The final piece of the puzzle in creating a subconscious longing for your
Speaker:presence is the age-old piece of advice,
Speaker:likely popularized by Dale Carnegie and his famous book How to Win Friends and
Speaker:Influence People.
Speaker:Much of his advice is now derided as common sense,
Speaker:even though the very reason it’s deemed so obvious is because of his book.
Speaker:Perhaps one of his best pieces of advice was simply to get people to talk,
Speaker:or even brag,
Speaker:about themselves,
Speaker:because this will make them enjoy conversing with you.
Speaker:He was quoted as saying,
Speaker:“You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other
Speaker:people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in
Speaker:you."
Speaker:Consequently,
Speaker:this is one of the most bandied about pieces of conversation advice.
Speaker:It turns out that Carnegie was correct,
Speaker:right down to the biological level.
Speaker:A 2012 study conducted by neuroscientists Diana Tamir and Jason Mitchell at
Speaker:Harvard University entitled “Disclosing Information About the Self is
Speaker:Intrinsically Rewarding” found that our urge to share personal information
Speaker:with others is one of the most fundamental and powerful parts of being human.
Speaker:Brain images showed that sharing information about ourselves triggers the same
Speaker:sensations in our brains that we experience when we eat food and have sex—two
Speaker:behaviors that we are biologically compelled to do.
Speaker:Thus,
Speaker:it seems we are biologically compelled to share and communicate our thoughts.
Speaker:One method that the researchers used to determine how much the participants
Speaker:valued being able to talk about themselves was to offer a modest financial
Speaker:incentive to anybody who would answer questions about other people instead.
Speaker:Some of the questions involved casual subjects about hobbies and personal
Speaker:tastes while others were about personality traits,
Speaker:such as intelligence,
Speaker:curiosity,
Speaker:or aggression.
Speaker:The researchers found that many of the participants were willing to pass up on
Speaker:the money,
Speaker:preferring the rewarding feelings of self-disclosure over financial gain.
Speaker:In fact,
Speaker:the average participant willingly gave up between 17% and 25% of their possible
Speaker:earnings just so that they could reveal personal information.
Speaker:Then they used a functional magnetic resonance imaging scanner (fMRI)
Speaker:to observe what parts of the brain were most excited when the subjects were
Speaker:talking about themselves.
Speaker:Again,
Speaker:they found a correlation between self-disclosure and heightened activity in
Speaker:brain regions belonging to the mesolimbic dopamine system—again,
Speaker:the same region that’s associated with the rewarding and satisfying feeling
Speaker:we get from food,
Speaker:money,
Speaker:and sex.
Speaker:It even happens when we speak about ourselves without anyone listening to us.
Speaker:That means that each party in a conversation or social setting is highly
Speaker:incentivized to talk about themselves from a neurochemical perspective.
Speaker:Dale Carnegie was in fact correct.
Speaker:How can we utilize this knowledge for our social success?
Speaker:Talking about yourself to some extent is natural,
Speaker:both biologically and within the flow of a conversation.
Speaker:It’s estimated that some 40% of what we say relates to expressing our own
Speaker:thoughts and feelings,
Speaker:and that’s because it is highly rewarding to do so.
Speaker:So change that ratio.
Speaker:The most important step for most will be to start imposing limits on themselves.
Speaker:Yes,
Speaker:it feels good to talk about yourself as the studies have shown,
Speaker:but when you do so,
Speaker:you are depriving others of the space and time to talk about themselves.
Speaker:And in the end,
Speaker:the goal is to make yourself more likable,
Speaker:not necessarily to feel better about social interaction.
Speaker:Be curious about others,
Speaker:ask them questions that give them the opportunity to brag,
Speaker:and generally let the conversation focus on them.
Speaker:Concentrate on their strengths and assist them in painting themselves in a
Speaker:positive light.
Speaker:Be a good listener and encourage them to continue talking about themselves.
Speaker:When’s the last time you asked someone five questions in a row without
Speaker:interrupting or interjecting with your own anecdote?
Speaker:What about ten questions?
Speaker:This is the exact type of interaction that feels good to people that we
Speaker:routinely deny them because we can’t resist our own pleasure of sharing.
Speaker:Takeaways -
Speaker:•Most people tend to rely on luck or happenstance to strike up friendships
Speaker:and be likable.
Speaker:They are passive and waiting.
Speaker:This is the wrong approach because it undermines your own abilities and limits
Speaker:you unnecessarily.
Speaker:The power is in your hands,
Speaker:especially when armed with subtleties and nuances in this book,
Speaker:to influence our likability and charm.
Speaker:•One way we can make people crave our presence is through memory’s
Speaker:context-dependent nature.
Speaker:This means that a memory is a three-dimensional snapshot of everything present
Speaker:at the time the memory was formed,
Speaker:including your emotional mood.
Speaker:Thus,
Speaker:to improve someone’s mood,
Speaker:we can directly or indirectly reference happy memories.
Speaker:•Eventually,
Speaker:after being present for people’s great moods,
Speaker:you yourself will become part of the positive memory.
Speaker:This is through the process of association,
Speaker:and it functions like the bell making Pavlov’s dog salivate.
Speaker:You will become that bell over time.
Speaker:•Positivity makes a bigger impact than you realize.
Speaker:People like being around other happy people,
Speaker:sure.
Speaker:But through the process of emotional contagion,
Speaker:your positivity will quite literally infect others.
Speaker:You will literally be the source of people’s happiness if you act the part.
Speaker:•We all inherently know that compliments and flattery will get you just about
Speaker:anywhere.
Speaker:But there’s another way that it benefits you and makes your presence
Speaker:important—spontaneous trait transfer.
Speaker:This is the phenomenon where whatever traits or adjectives you are using to
Speaker:compliment others will be applied to you.
Speaker:No,
Speaker:it’s not logical and it doesn’t really make sense,
Speaker:but that’s how our brains subconsciously make connections sometimes.
Speaker:•Finally,
Speaker:the art of disclosing feels as good as sex and food—to our brains.
Speaker:People like to talk about themselves and they derive a lot of pleasure from it.
Speaker:So encourage this.
Speaker:Ask questions,
Speaker:listen well,
Speaker:and keep the focus on other people.
Speaker:Make sure that you shut up from time to time.
Speaker:This has been
Speaker:The Science of Likability:
Speaker:67 Evidence-Based Methods to Radiate Charisma,
Speaker:Make a Powerful Impression,
Speaker:Win Friends,
Speaker:and Trigger Attraction (4th Ed.) (The Psychology of Social Dynamics Book 12) Written by
Speaker:Patrick King, narrated by russell newton.
