Helpful Acronyms

Narrator: 00:45

Helpful Acronyms

HPM, SBR, and EDR. What are these strange acronyms?

Put simply, they are nine distinct types of responses you can use for practically any topic that arises in a conversation. They are all quite helpful because if you are stumped or you can see an awkward silence creeping around the corner, you can essentially use them as ice-breaking cue cards to find topics to talk about, and ways to respond to people.

It also makes sense to refer to them as a “plug and playable” because all you need to do is plug in one of these responses and bingo—it just works.

The right responses can go a long way to jump-start and add new life to your conversations. It doesn't matter how good a conversationalist you are because awkward silences are always lurking around the corner. Using these acronyms, you can always find a way to work around these impending conversation killers.

HPM

HPM stands for History, Philosophy, and Metaphor.

This means in response to a question or statement directed at you, you reply with your own statement that evokes history, philosophy, or a metaphor.

HPM tends to draw on your memories, experiences, and opinions, which is a bit different from the other acronyms you’ll be learning about in this chapter. It’s more internal and personal, while others are more external and in the moment.

History means you reply with your personal experience regarding a topic. For example, if someone tells you a story about skiing, this is a prompt for you to reply with:

• That reminds me of the last time I skied…

• That’s just like the first time I skied as a child…

• What a coincidence, my mother’s friend went skiing last week and had a blast...

Philosophy, on the other hand, involves your personal stance, take, or opinion on a specific topic. For example, if someone tells you that same rousing story about skiing, you can reply with:

• I’ve always loved skiing because…

• I’ve hated skiing ever since…

• Skiing is so fun! My favorite hobby.

• I don’t know how I feel about skiing. On one hand…

Metaphor, on the other hand, involves what the conversation topic reminds you of. If you’re hearing the same story about skiing for the third time in the same day, you might not want to talk about it again. Thus, this is a prompt for you to subtly change the topic to something that’s related or … not so related. This works as long as you can preface it with some sort of transition.

• That reminds me of …

• That’s just the opposite of snowboarding, isn’t it?

• That makes me think of…

• Isn’t that similar to…

Keep in mind that HPM is more focused on you, what you think, and what your experiences are. It really has nothing to do with the other person, but with what the topic at hand evokes from you—a memory, an opinion or feeling, or a jumping-off point from which to change the subject.

Seems pretty easy and intuitive, right? The point is that everyone has these things—everyone has personal stories and experiences, everyone has opinions and stances on subjects, and everyone can envision how one topic is related to or reminiscent of another. It’s just that we are lazy conversationalists who don’t realize the broad scope of what’s available for us to talk about.

SBR, on the other hand, is similar but probably easier to use quickly on your feet than HPM. It’s external, which means everything that you need to continue any conversational topic is right there in front of you.

SBR

SBR stands for Specific, Broad, and Related. To any statement or question directed to you, you can reply with one of these types of statements.

Specific involves asking targeted questions regarding the topic you're talking about. This kind of response allows you to drag the conversation forward or take it deeper by pulling out fine details. Suppose you want to get into the nitty-gritty of what’s being discussed. Let’s take the skiing story example we used earlier:

• What kind of slopes did you go down?

• How was the snow?

• How many times have you skied recently?

Broad means you ask broad questions about the topic. These create context and are great springboards to sub-topics. This enables the conversation to proceed smoothly from the main topic to a sub-topic and all the way to a completely new topic. Get the background and the general lay of the land here.

• Where was this?

• Who did you go with?

• When was this?

• How did you drive there?

Finally, related refers to asking about something that is either directly or broadly related to the subject of your conversation. The great thing about "related" is that it allows you to explore issues tangential to the overall topic.

• I love when it’s snowing outside.

• I love taking weekend trips.

• Isn’t it great, getting physically active as much as possible?

The unifying characteristic of the SBR conversation strategy is that it focuses primarily on the topics you're talking about. That is, you’re taking the exact topic that’s in front of you, digging deeper into it, and essentially letting the other person guide you through questions.

So that was a fairly direct and straightforward set of rules, right? Now you have six responses you can pop into just about any situation, almost as if you’re reading off of cue cards and can just say “Oh, hmm… philosophy… well, the way I feel about that is….”

Onto the last: EDR. With these final three of the nine frameworks, you’ve added a whole lot of engagement, personalization, depth, and intrigue to a conversation that might otherwise have begun and ended at “Hey, how was your weekend?”

EDR

EDR is the last part of the nine frameworks that you can employ to answer just about anything. It straddles HPM and SBR—you can use what’s in front of you, but it’s even better if you draw internally and speak about your own thoughts and opinions.

EDR stands for Emotion, Detail, and Restatements.

E (emotion) means when you respond to a statement made in conversation, you state someone else's emotion or emotional state.

You mention what you believe your conversational partner’s emotional response to be. For example, "It seems like you're really excited about that." If it's not 100 percent apparent and clear to you what the other person's emotional state is, you can make a statement summing up an assumption to see whether you're right or not. You don’t have to be correct; the point is that whether you are or not, they will correct you and automatically explain their actual feelings.

“I went skiing last weekend!”

“You sound really excited about that.”

If you were wrong… “Actually, I’m not. Here’s why…”

If you were right… “Totally, it’s very thrilling to be on the slopes.”

Think of this like being a very open-minded counselor who just wants to talk about other people's feelings. When you state someone’s emotions, you appear to be very in tune with them and engaged in their well-being.

What makes this approach particularly effective is that you talk about other people's emotions, not yours.

As we’ve established, people like to be the center of attention. The more attention you give them, the more they're likely to talk. With E, you allow them to take the limelight and express their emotions. People appreciate this because most people like to feel they matter, and they aren’t often given a chance to feel that way.

D (detail) means when you respond to a topic, you do so by asking for details and how they relate to the person with whom you're speaking. This is similar to the S in SBR.

You get the details and you also get an overview of how they impact the person you’re speaking to. For example, the key journalistic "5 Ws" (who, what, where, when, and why) work perfectly here. The 5 Ws work so well because they allow you to tie in different details to the person with whom you’re speaking. Think of yourself as a detective sifting through different clues to solve a mystery.

For example, "When did you start doing that?" "How did that make you feel?" and so on.

R (restatements) means restating or summarizing what the other person said and then throw it back at them.

This is very effective because it lets the person you're speaking with know loud and clear that you're paying attention to them. You’re paying so much attention that you can’t get their words out of your mouth!

As I mentioned above, people like to feel they matter. What better way to show that appreciation than simply letting them know, in clear terms, that you were listening to what they had to say, and moreover, you want to make sure you understand what they’ve said.

When you restate what they say, you are essentially validating them twice. First, the simple act of summarizing what they said already validates them. It lets them know that you were listening to them. On top of that, you ask for their permission or confirmation to see if you’ve understood them correctly. This creates a tremendous sense of comfort and validation for the other person.

“I went skiing in the mountains last weekend.”

“So you went skiing in the mountains last weekend?”

“So you went skiing in the mountains last weekend?”

“So you went skiing in the mountains last weekend?”

This prompts them to elaborate on their statement without your having to say much. All you did was say the exact same thing back to them, with a slight emphasis on a different word to indicate that you are curious and want clarification on an aspect of what they’ve said. Each of these three versions is a distinctly different assertion or question, but you are using their exact words.

Think of this like a psychologist prompting a patient for deeper and more personal discoveries and insights. By using EDR in addition to HPM and SBR, you now have nine ways to respond to people about anything.

Which of the nine feel easy and natural to you, and which feel difficult?

Pay careful attention, because as previously noted, some of these are more about your own thoughts and internal workings, and others are about the situation in front of you and the other person. So if you skew too much in one direction, it can mean you’re either a conversational narcissist or someone who provides no value or substance.

Chain them together, and with these nine techniques you will pretty much never run out of things to talk about.