Finding The Balance

Finding the Balance

Bearing in mind that the only one who gets to decide on good or bad is you, take a look at how the following boundaries can be tweaked to make them more or less rigid.

Sexual or physical boundaries

Too porous: Not asking a partner to wear a condom despite wanting them to (underlying belief: I am not worth protecting, and my desires and needs are not important).

Too rigid: I don’t trust other people at all and have sworn off dating to avoid being close to them (underlying belief: I cannot tolerate uncertainty or risk being hurt; all people are bad; the world is fundamentally hostile and unsafe).

Balanced boundary: I don’t feel threatened or offended if my partner asks me to do something they like in bed, but I also feel comfortable saying “no” if I’m not interested (underlying belief: sex is safe and it’s OK for different people to want different things, and express those wants. Someone having a want doesn’t force me to fulfill it).

Emotional boundaries

Too porous: Regularly answering late-night calls from a friend who seems to constantly be in crisis, despite it interfering with your sleep and well-being (underlying belief: it’s my job to rescue people from their own negative emotions, and I have no other value than this).

Too rigid: Refusing to show any concern or support to a friend in need (underlying belief: people are on their own in this world, and it’s dangerous to get overwhelmed by other people’s drama).

Balanced boundary: You never answer the phone after a certain hour at night. In the morning, you send your friend a supportive message and offer to chat for short periods, or offer helpful suggestions if they seem to have the same problem over and over again (underlying belief: you can help people without completely sacrificing yourself to them, or becoming their sole savior).

Mental, intellectual, spiritual or time boundaries

Too porous: You allow family members to constantly put you down over your beliefs or ideas (underlying belief: I have to fit in to be loved; everyone has to be the same; they are right and I’m wrong).

Too rigid: You refuse to budge on your position, and insist on doing things your way despite belonging to a family unit (underlying belief: I have to always maintain control; other people can’t be trusted to do things properly).

Balanced boundary: You understand that you and your partner have big differences in your beliefs, but you respect one another and have both made the occasional compromise because you love one another (underlying belief: difference is not a threat; you can compromise sometimes because you value harmony and cohesion over being “right”).

As you can see, a truly healthy boundary is about you and your needs. But in the context of other people and their needs, it’s that sweet spot in between your identity and the world at large, where you can find happiness and well-being while still having enough flex in your boundaries to allow the good stuff in: joy, intimacy, closeness, and trust.

Having said that, it isn’t enough to just have boundaries—we must know the right way to enforce them, as well. Going back to the example with the women in chapter one, both of them are aware of their boundaries. The problem mainly lies in knowing the right way to establish them. If you have a certain boundary, you need not enforce it unfailingly. Say you’re not uncomfortable with anyone calling you past 10pm.

You can make exceptions to this rule depending on your preferences, like if there is an emergency that could use your involvement. Having good boundaries means both coming up with healthy limits and knowing the appropriate ways of enforcing them in different situations.

With good boundaries…

You love others, but you also love yourself.

You can say “no”… and hear it from others, knowing that everyone has the right to assert a limit.

You know that you never need to compromise on your safety, values, well-being, etc., and you also respect that you should not cajole, convince, or beg someone else to behave as you want them to.

You refuse to allow others to use your time, your emotions, your skills, your body, or anything else without your permission—and you also understand that you are not entitled to any of that from anyone else.

You do not allow others to make you responsible for their emotions, and you refrain from blaming others, playing victim, or waiting for someone to take care of you.

You see your emotions, ideas, thoughts, and fears as on par with everyone else’s—you have as much right to speak up and act as anyone else does.

You want relationships based on mutual caring and love; you do not want to fix anyone else, and you know that the only one who can fix you is you.

You make compromises when you want to, never because you feel forced, dominated, or pressured. You value intimacy and can choose closeness—but you know that you are allowed to pull back if you want to.

You are helpful, compassionate, and caring to others—but you always weigh your own well-being with others’ and never “set yourself on fire to keep others warm”!

It would be too easy to simply have a list of “good” and “bad” boundaries—but the irony is that it’s typically people with poor boundaries who seek assurance and excessive guidance from others, asking them to tell them how to live their lives. There is no rule book. As you know by now, boundary setting is our responsibility alone, and nobody can tell us what we are most comfortable with.

Even if you come across boundaries that seem like ones you want to adopt for yourself, it is important that you do so out of your own volition, and not because it was suggested to you. This will help you cultivate a sense of freedom and autonomy as you live by rules that you have chosen yourself. As children, we outsource different essential components of our lives as a matter of necessity. Yet, these habits often persist well into adulthood, making it customary for us to rely on others to think and decide for us.

Shedding this habit of dependence is key to living a life with healthy boundaries. As you work on your boundaries, ask yourself the following:

Does this boundary actually serve me (my wants, needs, limits, and overall values)?

What are my needs, and is this boundary helping me to meet them?

Is this boundary actually appropriate?

How does my boundary interact with the rights of others?

How does my boundary interact with my culture and context?

What effect do my boundaries have on me, and do I want this?

How could my boundary be improved?