Fake It till You Make It

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: 2023

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al message loud and clear. In: 2019

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Someone could utter these words with the cocky, self-assured demeanor of Indiana Jones staring down a baddie, or they could say them like Milhouse from The Simpsons who’s just about to be punched by Nelson the bully. The words we say are often less important than the way those words are delivered. Through their experiments (published in the Journal of Experimental Psychology), Berry and Brown discovered that there are nine character types that vary in their degree of both assertiveness and cooperativeness. •Bully:High assertiveness, low cooperativeness •King or Queen:High assertiveness, medium cooperativeness •Hero or Heroine:High assertiveness, high cooperativeness •Cynic:Medium assertiveness, low cooperativeness •Self-portrayal (not acting): Medium assertiveness, medium cooperativeness •Librarian:Medium assertiveness, high cooperativeness •Recluse:Low assertiveness, low cooperativeness •Loner:Low assertiveness, medium cooperativeness •Lover:Low assertiveness, high cooperativeness For our purposes, both the “lover” and the “loner” could also be considered pushovers or people-pleasers since they are minimally assertive and keen on cooperating no matter what. Berry and Brown asked actors to give a performance based only on the above character descriptions, then analyzed audio and video of these actors, compared to the baseline where the actors essentially played themselves.

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The researchers discovered that the most important communicators of assertiveness were: •Pitch, loudness, and timbre of voice (timbre here being wavering or stable) •Speed of speech •Continuity (i.e., how many pauses or breaks there were) Based on their findings, they settled on six acting techniques that strongly conveyed a sense of assertiveness. Here’s what they found: Raise the pitch of your voice – Do so without going into unnatural falsetto. Raise the volume of your voice – Don’t yell, but speak up loud and clear. Speak clearly and unwaveringly – In other words, keep a calm voice that doesn’t wobble! Increase the speed of your speech – This shows you know what you want.

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Reduce the number of pauses – Especially drop “um” and “like." Vary your pitch and volume – Instead of a monotone, allow your voice to go up and down, and to vary in loudness. This communicates that you are in control of your voice and therefore yourself. If you doubt that these simple tricks could really make you appear more assertive than you actually feel, then you should try it out for yourself. Practice in front of a mirror and try to deliver a little monologue just as the actors in the experiment did, and include all six elements.

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Try again to say the same thing but do the opposite. Speak in a low, slow, wavering mumble that breaks often, and notice not only how it comes across but how you feel speaking that way. It's not just your voice that matters, though. Your entire body is constantly communicating information to those around you, so it’s worth making sure it’s saying what you want it to! Jo Emerson is a confidence coach and explains that “acting ‘as if’ means you consider what qualities you would like to embody as a confident version of you—your best self—and then start acting in ways that echo this.

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For example, you might think your best self would smile at everyone you meet, in which case this is what you need to practice until it becomes second nature." She, too, believes that people should “fake it till they make it”! Doing this is easier than it looks, partly because it sets up a “virtuous cycle." The more assertive you appear, the more people will treat you as though you are assertive, and this positive feedback will give you more genuine confidence so that one day, you may find that you’re not acting anymore! Here are a few things you can try to fake it until you make it.

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Watch Your Body Language Comfortably take up the space you need. Take a deep breath and drop your shoulders, unclench the muscles of your jaw, and anchor your feet more firmly on the ground. Think about opening and expanding your body. When feeling confident, assertive, and even dominant, almost all animals hold themselves proudly and without hunching, cowering, or tightening any part of their bodies. If you can manage this, you may find something interesting happens: when the muscles of your body relax, so, too, do your lungs, and your breathing rate slows.

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When you breathe deep and slow, your voice settles, and it’s suddenly easier to speak in the way described above—with firm, steady conviction. Stand up straight, lean forward, and keep your chin up. Slow down your movements and try to reduce fidgeting—especially in your hands. Keep them relaxed, loose, and open. If you shake hands with someone, do it firmly and paired with a smile-and-eye-contact combo.

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If you’re ever unsure what to do with yourself, a good rule of thumb is to try to match and mirror the body language of those around you. Maintain Comfortable Eye Contact Your gaze is arguably the most fundamental and easily understood form of body language. Think of your gaze as a physiological manifestation of your will or intention. If you find yourself squirming to avoid eye contact or flittering your gaze all over the place, you may convey a sense of nervousness, indecision, or fear. People who can “look you in the eye” are also perceived as more trustworthy.

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Instead, smile while you maintain eye contact and hold your gaze for around three counts. If you find eye contact makes you feel a bit awkward or is too intimate, it may help to switch your gaze from either eye and then down to the nose and mouth before switching back again. Dress the Part Karen Pine is a university professor and author of bestseller Mind What You Wear. She found that there is truth in the idea that you can “dress for success." But here, it’s important to note that dressing well doesn’t mean forcing yourself into a costume that doesn’t have anything to do with who you are as a person.

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If you merely copy what you think is supposed to look good, you risk merely communicating how uncomfortable you are. Dress as yourself but the best version, whatever that looks like for you. Make sure your clothes are always clean, in good repair, and ironed. Wear things that make you feel good. It’s not about fashion but about presenting the visual version of yourself that you’re most proud of.

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You might need to spend a little time homing in on your personal style and considering your unique environment and context. It may at first seem superficial to try to be more assertive by simply changing what you wear, but when you get it right and you feel like a million bucks, it all makes sense! Develop Your Personal Sense of Poise Why do some people exude a sense of calm charisma? Why do some people seem so composed and in control? Such people dress, speak, and behave in entirely unique ways.

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This tells you that their aura of confidence is not about following a fixed set of arbitrary rules. Rather, it comes from within. Poise and self-assuredness come from being aligned within yourself. In other words, you are comfortable in your own skin, and people can tell. Following the tips and exercises in this book will hopefully help you cultivate this sense in yourself, but here are a few pointers in the meantime: •Gracefully accept compliments.

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Say “thank you” and smile, and don’t rush in to counter what’s been said or think of something nice to say in return. •Don’t gossip about others or complain loudly about things that can’t be changed. This communicates an attitude of insecurity and passiveness. •Don’t interrupt people. Relax into conversation, knowing you never need to perform, impress, or convince anyone.

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It will make you a better conversationalist, and you’ll appear more confident in yourself. •Try to avoid handing responsibility over to others, i.e., “Oh, I’m easy. I don’t know, what do you want to do?" It’s not very assertive ... and it’s annoying to boot! •Breathe and pause.

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Slow down. You don’t have to respond to everything immediately. Take your time and don’t be rushed by anything. It conveys a wonderful sense of self-assuredness. [Music] you reach the end of another episode of social skills coaching connect with us at newtonmg.com and connect with the author and sign up for his newsletter and for free materials at bitly slash PK Consulting see you next week