Don’t Just Listen Actively, Listen Empathically

In this chapter, we’re going to elaborate on the principle of getting our own egos and pre-conceptions out of the way so we can more clearly and genuinely see the person in front of us—i.e., empathize. When we listen to another person, we are not just being quiet and giving them a turn on the soapbox. Rather, we are creating an open space for them to be themselves. Their real selves.

To inhabit another person’s worldview and deeply comprehend their state of mind and heart, you first need to actually know what it is. And this means listening. Too often we listen with an agenda. We hear the person, but as we listen, we are busy:

• Deciding whether we agree or not

• Deciding how much their situation or opinion is like ours

• Thinking of something we can say that is similar to what they’re saying . . . but which is about us

• Thinking about whether their account is accurate and reasonable, or whether we trust their recollection or the conclusions they’re coming to

• Making a judgment on the rationality or appropriateness of their experience

• Trying to find an overarching theme of theory to put their experience in a neat little box

• Dreaming up solutions to their problem, including the problem of how they feel

• Listening for only those things we already know, like, or understand, and ignoring the other bits

• Thinking of the interesting and impressive thing we will say once they stop talking . . .

And so on. The temptation to do all the above is strong. But when we listen, that’s all we do. Listen. Nothing else. Temporarily, we immerse in the world of another and step out of our own. In this new world, the other person is telling the story, and they decide what things mean. Our only job is to witness it as it’s told. To do this, we suspend our own ego, our own assumptions—i.e., our own story—so that we can more clearly comprehend theirs.

Empathic listening, then, is hard work! It requires us to be sensitive, alert, and respectful. We need to make an emotional connection. We need to open our perception so that we are genuinely hearing without judgment or without putting our own interpretations and assumptions into the mix. Empathy requires that we are accepting, supportive, and encouraging, yes. But our FIRST job is just to be completely one hundred percent present.

Empathic listening is not just passively keeping quiet, but rather a subtle art composed of many separate skills.

Skill 1: Maximum Attention

You’ve probably noticed—people all over the planet are seriously unhappy. Many people feel depressed, sad, lost, and alone. In an age of fractured attention spans and the relentless pressure to market and promote oneself as a product, many of us are feeling ignored, unseen, and unknown. The world around us is morphing and re-shaping in complex and sometimes threatening ways, and yet one thing remains the same: Human beings all have a deep, almost primal hunger to belong. We all want to feel safe, respected, and understood. We all want to feel that our skills and perspectives are valued. We all want to play a role in our communities.

The irony is that people who are hungry for this kind of validation are often themselves “conversational narcissists” who are unable to offer the same kind of attention and presence to others that they so wish they had. The result is a vicious circle of superficial connection.

If you wish to be an empathic human being who breaks this cycle, practice first by giving your full attention to the human being in front of you. That means not thinking about what has been said five minutes ago or yesterday, or about what might happen five minutes from now or tomorrow. Think of it as a kind of meditation—every time your mind wanders to yourself or your phone or a judgment on what you’re hearing, gently pull it back and simply observe, notice, listen.

thoroughly at home in it” (: 1980

Skill 2: Radical Acceptance

First, you seek to understand. Not judge, appraise, or evaluate.

As an empathic listener, you temporarily empty yourself of your own need to control the conversation, to be right, or to color the interaction with your own narrative or perceptions. Radically accepting another person’s experiential account takes a major paradigm shift. People can find it difficult because they wonder, “Do I really have to accept everything they tell me?”

The answer is yes. But acceptance here goes beyond just agreement or acquiescence. Instead, it means we simply acknowledge and accept what is because it is. In fact, we realize that our opinion on the matter is not relevant or necessary—only our awareness and presence is. If someone confides in us that they’ve had an abortion and that they now feel like a guilty murderer, the fact that you personally don’t think of abortion this way is utterly, entirely irrelevant. They do. And all you are doing when you empathize is seeing as far as you possibly can what it means to be them and think this way.

When we validate people this way, we are saying, “You make sense.” We look at their interpretation, their account, and their experience of events, and take as a given that this is what is real and true for them. In fact, we don’t need to grant them this right by listening—their story is complete and sufficient in itself, and our honor is to bear witness to it. The extent to which we accept is the extent to which we pause our own egos and immerse for a moment in theirs.

You may be familiar with a common example: Someone says something like, “I’m such an idiot. I’m never going to get this right,” and you jump in, saying, “No way! Don’t say that. You’re not an idiot.” Though it comes from a good place, this response is ultimately based in non-acceptance because it sees the emotional reality . . . and denies it. A more empathic response would be to simply hear and nod, or say, “I can see how frustrated you must feel with it all.” (Remember the emotion wheel and labeling?)

If they say they feel like an idiot, well, accept that. Many people think of empathy and compassion as the words you say or the supportive advice you give. But there is immense power in just acknowledging what is real because when you do, you send the message: “You are important. How you are feeling has value. I am listening because what you are going through is worthy of attention.”

Skill 3: Deep Curiosity

How many of us genuinely find the people around us interesting?

If we’re honest, most of us think of ourselves as the center of the universe (understandably) and assume that the shallow surface we encounter in others is all there is to them. When you think about it, this attitude is deeply disrespectful and undermines the dignity and innate value of every person, whoever they are. Being empathic means truly understanding that everybody out there is the center of their own universe. The people you walk by in the street have as rich and complex an inner life as you do, and they are as attached to their joys and sorrows as you are to yours.

Isn’t that remarkable? The only way we ever encounter and know one another is when we communicate, reach out, and share. And yet when we do, so many of us waste time on superficialities, boring conventions, and inauthentic personas that hide who we really are.

“Ask questions” is good advice. But don’t ask questions simply because you believe it’s polite and it makes you seem like you’re paying attention. Ask because you genuinely want to bridge the gap between you and the other person. Ask because there’s a whole other fascinating and unknown universe inside that person’s skull, and you want the privilege of getting to explore it a little. If this concept feels difficult, imagine it from the other side. What would it feel like for someone to genuinely, sincerely want to know about your world from the inside out?

Wouldn’t it feel liberating and encouraging to have someone truly hear you—without judgment, without interrogating or arguing—and listen to your unique perspective with total openness and interest, even wonder? Well, this kind of deep validation is a gift that we ourselves can offer others any time we listen with empathy.

Ask questions that create space in which the other person can expand. Ask to understand. A question can be like an attack—we can look at something and ask, “What are you and what do you mean?!” as though we are demanding it justify itself to us. But a question can also be a gentle invitation, a soothing caress, a friendly and conversational gesture, or a kindness.

Consider the following questions:

“How do you feel about all this?”

“What happened then?”

“Can you tell me more about X?”

“What do you mean when you say X?”

“How are you making sense of all this?”

“Has this happened before?”

“How did you cope with it?”

“What do you think you want right now?”

“I want to understand—why did X happen?”

Listening is Active!

Beyond the three attitudes described above, there are three main techniques you can use for practicing empathic listening:

1. Mirroring, copying, or repeating

2. Paraphrasing what has been said

3. Reflecting on the emotional content, sometimes with questions or labeling (more on all three of these in a later chapter)

For example, someone is sharing with you some deep concerns about their competency at work.

1. To mirror, you literally repeat what you’ve been told.

“I’m such an idiot.”

“An idiot?” Nothing new is added.

2. To paraphrase, you verbally offer the content back to the speaker, but somewhat rephrased to show not just that you’ve heard, but have comprehended.

“Seems like you’re not confident in your abilities right now.”

3. To reflect on emotional content, go a little deeper.

“Do you think you’re feeling a little overwhelmed with the tasks you’re given?” The emotion is labeled and reflected back.

Take a look at how the principles of maximum attention, radical acceptance, and deep curiosity play out in the following conversation, and see if you can spot where the listener is using mirroring, paraphrasing, and emotional reflection to show their empathy.

A: Tell me all about it. I know this has been bothering you for a while.

B: Yeah. I don’t know, I’m at my wit’s end with it all. To tell you the truth, I feel like I have no idea what I’m doing most days. I’m such an idiot.

A: An idiot?

B: Yeah, an idiot! And people are noticing, you know? When they hired me a month ago, they had no idea, clearly.

A: Right. You mean they had no idea that . . .?

B: Well, that I don’t know how to do my job! I actually feel like a fraud. How many more mistakes can I make before they ask me to pack up and leave? I’m dreading it because every day at work could be it.

A: It?

B: Well . . . the day they find out they hired the wrong person.

A: Wow.

B: Look, I don’t mean to say I’m a complete idiot—I mean, obviously I do know how to do my job—it’s just that . . .

A: (Silence, letting the other person continue, without jumping in to complete their sentence.)

B: It’s just that it’s a lot all at once, you know?

A: Yeah. It’s a lot. Do you think you’re feeling a little overwhelmed with all the tasks you’re given?

B: Oh, totally. And actually, I don’t feel like I can ask for too much help, you know? And I think that’s making me pretend I’m coping better with it than I am. But I’m not coping.

Notice how in the above conversation, Speaker A, the listener, has not put any of their own judgment, interpretation, or assumptions into Speaker B’s story. But because Speaker A can reflect, ask questions, show interest, and offer respectful silence, Speaker B is actually starting to arrive at their own conclusions about the problem, i.e., that they are feeling overwhelmed and may need to ask for help. It is Speaker B who is gradually coming around to a possible solution, not Speaker A who is suggesting that advice.

Returning to our emotion wheel, Speaker A might have noticed that the initial emotion of anger (anger at the self, that is) is actually covering deeper and more primary emotions of fear and surprise—manifesting as feelings of stress and overwhelm. But rather than outright offering this observation, Speaker A only gently asks, “Do you think . . .?” leaving plenty of room for Speaker B to explain things in their own words, on their own terms.

Take a look at the same conversation conducted without the skills of empathic listening:

A: Tell me all about it. I know this has been bothering you for a while.

B: Yeah. I don’t know, I’m at my wit’s end with it all. To tell you the truth, I feel like I have no idea what I’m doing most days. I’m such an idiot.

A: Come on, don’t say that. That’s just your imposter syndrome talking! You’re awesome. You got this.

B: Yeah. I know. It’s just . . . I don’t know. It’s just . . .

A: It’s just that you have low self-esteem! I get it, I do. I battled low self-esteem for years. Trust me when I say I know it when I see it.

B: Yeah?

A: Oh man, you want to talk about feeling like an idiot, you should have seen me my first year at Goldman. I was a wreck. I felt like I had a panic attack every morning! I’m not joking. But you’ve got to meditate. Believe me. Just one day at a time. Mindful, you know? That’s the secret.

B: Uh huh.

A: Keep trucking. You’ll be fine. I’m proud of you!

B: Thanks.

From the outside, this may seem to many people like a compassionate and friendly conversation . . . but hopefully you can see things with a bit more nuance! Though this Speaker A is well-versed on topics like low self-esteem, imposter syndrome, and the value of mindfulness meditation, they are completely and utterly unable to listen, be present, and accept Speaker B’s story with respect and curiosity.

Failing to accept someone’s experience is not just about ignoring them or judging them outright; sometimes, we do our most vicious invalidation when we are trying to help by being “positive.” You can also see how Speaker A completely steers the conversation toward themselves, giving glib advice and using their own experience as a frame to understand Speaker B’s experience. There is even an element of competition (“You think you have it bad?”).

The story becomes one about low self-esteem, which is not quite what Speaker B is actually experiencing and not the direction they would have steered the conversation if they had felt genuinely listened to. Realizing they are not being heard or understood (“It’s just . . . it’s just . . .), Speaker B eventually keeps quiet.

Though Speaker A might have felt that this was a positive and encouraging conversation, the truth is that Speaker B may rightly feel that they can’t trust them with their real feelings. The lack of real empathy has made a definite dent to the openness, authenticity, and connection in this relationship. Not to mention, Speaker B is actually no closer to solving their problem—and may even feel that the quick exchange made them feel so much worse (“I can’t ask for help or admit that I’m not coping, because then everyone will think I’m not positive/mindful/strong enough. People don’t want to hear about it if you’re struggling. They just want you to smile and ‘keep trucking’ . . .”).

When someone speaks, listen. For that moment, they are the world’s leading expert on their own experience, and you are like a student soaking in the story you’re being told. Pay close attention, keep quiet, and take notes!