Communication Skills Crash Course: Master The Basics
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00:00:00 Hello listeners. Welcome to Social Skills Coaching.
00:01:00.070 Match and Mirror Internal Communication Cues
00:05:23.610 Match on Content
00:10:46.720 Expressing Without Speaking
00:16:22.630 Posture and Body Orientation
00:20:28.560 Eye Contact
00:24:38.790 Paralinguistics
00:26:09.440 The Four Ps of Voice
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Feeling lost in conversation? This video is your one-stop guide to mastering the fundamentals of communication! We'll break down Chapter 1 of [Book Title] by [Author Name], diving deep into:
Identifying Your Communication Style: Discover your strengths and weaknesses as a communicator.
Psychological Barriers: Learn how to overcome common hurdles that block effective communication.
The Rapport Game: Unlock the secrets of building trust and connection with anyone.
Expressing Without Speaking: The power of nonverbal communication - understand body language and paralinguistics.
Summary Guide: Recap the key takeaways from Chapter 1 for easy reference.
Bonus: We'll provide actionable tips to help you immediately improve your communication skills!
Ready to become a communication master? Watch now!
Transcript
Hello listeners. Welcome to Social Skills Coaching. Today is April 3, 2024. Here is
Speaker:where you become more likeable, more charismatic, and more productive.
Speaker:Feeling stuck in conversations? Today's episode is all about leveling up your
Speaker:communication game. Based on Patrick King's insightful book, Conversation Skills Training will
Speaker:unlock the secrets of building rapport through mirroring and matching, a powerful technique
Speaker:for fostering connection. You can learn more about Patrick King, of course, at bit.ly-slash-pk
Speaker:Consulting, and for now, here's today's episode.
Speaker:Think of someone who is really good at doing impressions. They're able to so perfectly
Speaker:capture another person's personality, not just because they can mimic their voice and
Speaker:mannerisms, but also because somehow they can put all these things together and portray the
Speaker:person's deeper essence. Noticing this essence takes practice, but at first try to simply pay
Speaker:attention to how people are taking up space, how they're breathing, and the aggregate of all
Speaker:their expressions. Language, posture, appearance comes across. Reflecting someone's essence may
Speaker:take a special touch, but you'd be surprised at how instantly you can create camaraderie if you
Speaker:can do so. If ever you're with someone and you just click, try to see things from the other side
Speaker:and ask what the other person did to make you feel that communication and connection were so
Speaker:easy with them. Chances are it's mirroring. Here's a little trick you can try not just to
Speaker:build rapport, but to test whether you're getting anywhere in that goal. Step one, pay attention
Speaker:to their internal or external communication cues, or their voice or language. Step two,
Speaker:match or mirror subtly on just one or two aspects. Step three, after a while match them on some
Speaker:other aspect. Step four, finally do something different. For example, if you've been mirroring
Speaker:a low and slow tone of voice plus crossed legs, suddenly change up your voice and speak louder
Speaker:and more quickly, or uncross your legs and cross your arms instead. Step five, now observe. Did
Speaker:they follow suit and mirror you? If so, congratulations, you've likely established rapport. If not,
Speaker:no problem, there's still time. As you get better at matching and mirroring and conversation in
Speaker:general, you can start experimenting with leading interactions with certain behaviors rather than
Speaker:just following the other person's lead. This way you can take charge of conversations and shape them
Speaker:in a positive direction, fostering connection and understanding, usually without the other person
Speaker:even knowing it. Here's another trick you can try once you get the hang of reading other people's
Speaker:communication cues. Step one, think of someone you have an excellent rapport with and try to feel
Speaker:what it feels like when you're around that person. Really recreate that experience in your body,
Speaker:heart and mind. Step two, consciously try to summon up that same feeling in yourself right now,
Speaker:imagining it expanding through your body. For example, maybe with a very good friend,
Speaker:you feel expansive, you're quick to smile, and you lean forward ever so slightly. Maybe you feel
Speaker:ultra relaxed and warm. Whatever the sensation is, imagine that it's surrounding you like an aura.
Speaker:Then let it guide how you behave, think, feel, and move in the moment.
Speaker:Step three, project the feeling toward the person you're with, and imagine that this amazing aura
Speaker:is flowing around them too. This technique is taking a reverse perspective on mirroring,
Speaker:since you are the one who is going first and inviting others to mirror and match you.
Speaker:If you master those good, happy vibes, don't be surprised if people suddenly seem very willing
Speaker:to be drawn in. Way four, match on content. Basically, seek common ground. If people like
Speaker:people who are like them, then rapport is, in some ways, just a matter of finding how
Speaker:you're like the person in front of you. Potential areas of common ground include
Speaker:your history and background, such as school, hometown, past jobs, shared connections.
Speaker:Personal values, such as family, hard work, creativity, learning, etc.
Speaker:Core beliefs about the world? Emotional state, both current and more generally in life. Style,
Speaker:accent, ways of speaking and verbal idiosyncrasies, hobbies, shared experiences, degree of formality.
Speaker:For example, do they use slang and swear words? Or are they very correct, polite, and articulate?
Speaker:Convention, class, age, or generation? Personality differences. For example,
Speaker:some people bond over being flippant, quirky, serious-minded, poetic, spiritually inclined,
Speaker:straight-laced, mischievous, etc. But people can also differ in their focus on the bigger picture
Speaker:versus the details, the emotional versus the factual content of a conversation,
Speaker:or the overall volume of information they're comfortable exchanging.
Speaker:Wave 5. Chunking. One final way to establish effortless rapport is something you might not
Speaker:have considered before, carefully moderating the questions you ask people to control the
Speaker:level of detail of information you get. There are two different modes we can adopt any time
Speaker:we ask someone a question. Chunking down is about diving down into details and going from the general
Speaker:to the specific. Questions that chunk down give more color, depth, and richness to the conversation.
Speaker:However, if you stay too long mired in the details, the conversation can quickly get lost,
Speaker:overwhelmed, or even boring. We ask a chunking down question every time we want to learn more,
Speaker:and when we do so, we build rapport, since we're showing interest in the real nitty gritty of what
Speaker:we're told. For example, we could ask, how exactly did that happen? Tell me more about X, Y, Z.
Speaker:Why did this specific thing happen?
Speaker:Chunking up goes in the other direction, from the specific to the general.
Speaker:We ask a question that leads us to see the bigger picture and overarching patterns in the
Speaker:broader view, i.e., a model that fits all the smaller details inside it. When we ask questions
Speaker:in this mode, we're showing that we are paying attention and processing and synthesizing what
Speaker:we're told, which is a different way to build rapport. For example, we could ask,
Speaker:how does this tie into this other idea we spoke about, X, Y, Z? What do all these details mean?
Speaker:What's the pattern here? What does this thing connect to?
Speaker:During conversations, it's not really a matter of which question mode is best,
Speaker:but rather keeping things varied. Imagine you're zooming in and out, first drilling down to learn
Speaker:more about the most interesting details, then coming up for air and getting a broader view.
Speaker:Not only will such a conversation feel like it flows more naturally and enjoyably,
Speaker:your dynamic interest in what you're being told will create a sense of rapport with the other person.
Speaker:At the very least, simply avoid being in one mode for too long. So, for example, if you notice that
Speaker:you've asked five chunking up questions in a row, be aware that you may be alienating the other person
Speaker:in overly abstract or aloof hypotheticals. Create balance by asking a detailed question,
Speaker:which will bring in some immediacy and intimacy. Similarly, if you notice the conversation is
Speaker:feeling a little mired in one detail after another, for example, those conversations where people lose
Speaker:a narrative thread because they dwell too long on the minute but insignificant details of who
Speaker:said what and when, then pause, zoom out, and get a broader view of where you are. You might say
Speaker:something like, so all in all, it seems like yesterday was a pretty crazy day, huh?
Speaker:Expressing without speaking. How do you read people's nonverbal communication?
Speaker:Words are not the only things that carry meaning. Appearance, objects, sound, fragrance, and even
Speaker:space all have socially shared significance. Communication, therefore, includes expressions
Speaker:of the entire body, movement, gesture, physical orientation, and a range of perlinguistic cues
Speaker:already discussed, such as voice pitch, volume, and intonation. Proximity, color, even time,
Speaker:almost anything can serve as a carrier of meaning and, therefore, be used in human communication.
Speaker:How to read micro-expressions? A micro-expression is a quick just 0.5 to 4 seconds, and in voluntary
Speaker:facial expression produced when experiencing any motion. Micro-expressions are genuine, meaning
Speaker:or concealed, and this makes them an ideal behavior to observe when with other people.
Speaker:The reasoning is that if you can actually understand the emotional state of the person in
Speaker:front of you, communication automatically becomes easier, more direct, and more real.
Speaker:It's possible that you are already able to read micro-expressions, but do so unconsciously.
Speaker:Have you ever spoken to someone, and even though they said all the right things and appeared to
Speaker:be smiling, you still got a gut feeling that they were upset? You might have come to this
Speaker:conclusion because your unconscious mind noticed the genuine micro-expression of anger and knew
Speaker:that this revealed the true feeling. What we might do unconsciously can be done with more
Speaker:deliberation and practice. Basically, the seven primary human emotions come from universal
Speaker:physiological responses to the environment. Micro-expressions are quicker, more subtle versions
Speaker:of the more obvious macro-expressions you're already familiar with. As you read the following
Speaker:descriptions, try to mirror and match them and see how quickly you start to feel the emotion they
Speaker:represent. Surprise. Raised and curved eyebrows. Stretched skin below the prowl. Horizontal wrinkles
Speaker:across the forehead. Eyelids open with the white of the eye showing all around the iris.
Speaker:Jaw open and teeth parted, but without tension in the mouth.
Speaker:Fear. Eyebrows raised and knotted together. Forehead wrinkled in the center and not straight
Speaker:across. Upper eyelid raised, with lower lid also tense and drawn up. Eyes show white above the
Speaker:iris but not below it. Mouth open, with lips slightly tense or stretched back.
Speaker:Disgust. Eyes narrowed, upper lip lifted, upper teeth potentially exposed, nose wrinkled, cheeks
Speaker:raised. Anger. Eyebrows lowered and pulled together. Vertical lines between the eyebrows.
Speaker:Lower lip tightened. Eyes staring or bulging. Lips can be pursed,
Speaker:corners down, or in a square shape as if shouting. Nostrils may be widened.
Speaker:Lower jaw juts forward. Happiness. Corners of the lips pulled back and up.
Speaker:Mouth may or may not be parted, teeth shown. A wrinkle appears from outer nose to upper lip.
Speaker:Cheeks raised. Lower eyelid may wrinkle or tighten a little.
Speaker:Crows feet appear at the corners of the eyes. Sadness. Inner corners of eyebrows drawn in
Speaker:and up. Corner of the lips drawn down. Jaw comes up. Lower lip pouts.
Speaker:Contempt or hate. Fairly neutral expression. One side of the mouth raised.
Speaker:Noticing micro expressions is only the beginning. What do you do with your observations?
Speaker:There are two possibilities. One, the micro expression aligns with what is being said,
Speaker:in which case there is additional information and body language to add dimension to what is
Speaker:being communicated to you. Two, or the micro expression in fact contradicts what is being said.
Speaker:In this case, you can assume that the person is concealing something, or flat out deceiving you
Speaker:or themselves, or else they are conflicted and wearing a kind of mask. But again,
Speaker:this simply adds more data to your reading of them.
Speaker:Posture and body orientation. People's postures can reveal a great deal about them.
Speaker:Have you ever failed to comprehend what the other person was truly thinking when you were texting
Speaker:them and, as a result, had an awkward misunderstanding? This probably happened because
Speaker:an important channel of information was closed off to you both, the nonverbal body language cues
Speaker:that would have allowed you to fine-tune your conversation.
Speaker:Let's revisit the idea of open and closed body posture. Rather than taking any single
Speaker:action in isolation, crossed arms mean you're angry. A toe pointing toward the door means
Speaker:you want to run away and so on. Observe the entire body as one unit.
Speaker:An open posture portrays friendliness, receptivity, and positivity. The feet are spread wide,
Speaker:and the palms of your hands are exposed and facing outward or visible. It's easy to see if
Speaker:someone's overall demeanor is communicating openness, but it's just as important to be
Speaker:self-aware and make sure that you are also communicating the right message with open
Speaker:postural language. Keep a straight spine with your head lifted. Open the chest and relax the
Speaker:shoulders down, loosen your facial features, and turn your entire body to face the other person.
Speaker:A closed posture portrays boredom, hostility, or detachment. The impression is one of tension
Speaker:and tightness. Arms and legs may be crossed, the features of the face will be tight, clenched,
Speaker:or pulled, hands will be closed or grasping, and the body will either seem to be hunched
Speaker:or crumpled in upon itself, or else stiff and immobile, perhaps with shoulders held too high.
Speaker:Many so-called body language experts will go into great detail about what this or that tiny
Speaker:movement or gesture means, but this is usually unnecessary. You can achieve an incredible
Speaker:amount of insight into the person in front of you by simply asking whether they are open or closed,
Speaker:and further whether their posture aligns with their verbal expression or contradicts it.
Speaker:Reading body language is not a foolproof science, but rather a way to collect observations
Speaker:and seek out patterns. There are two rules to effective body language reading.
Speaker:One, no single detail is decisive and conclusive. Two, consider every observation against a baseline.
Speaker:For example, if you notice that someone's arms are crossed, you'd be wrong to conclude
Speaker:solely based on this observation that they are angry or closed off. Perhaps it's winter and
Speaker:they're simply cold. This is why you need to consider context and a range of observations,
Speaker:seeking repeated patterns rather than just a single isolated behavior. If they're scowling,
Speaker:crossing their arms, and turning away from you, the conclusion that they're angry holds more weight.
Speaker:Imagine that you one day receive a warm hug and a big smile from someone you've just met.
Speaker:Are they coming on to you? Don't assume they are until you know what their baseline is,
Speaker:i.e. what is normal for them. Notice that they hug and smile at everyone all the time,
Speaker:and your observations suddenly don't imply flirtatiousness anymore.
Speaker:Eye contact. The eyes are such an important and expressive part of the human body
Speaker:that they could classed as a form of communication all their own, not to mention
Speaker:assumed to be the windows to the soul and one of the focal points. There's a visual predicate
Speaker:right there of love poetry the world over. First things first, eye contact in itself
Speaker:is neither good nor bad. Rather, it's a question of how you make it, when, and why.
Speaker:More is not always better. When you're making eye contact with someone you've just met and
Speaker:don't know very well, the mere act of lingering your gaze on theirs for slightly longer than is
Speaker:comfortable is a courageous way to signal that you are wanting to up the intensity and get to
Speaker:know the person a little better. If they match and mirror this eye contact, consider that your
Speaker:message has been heard and the response is broadly positive. Better eye contact skills
Speaker:will reap benefits in the workplace, will make you a better public speaker, will help you smooth
Speaker:over conflicts, and will make you appear more charismatic to the opposite sex. In a study
Speaker:led by Dr. Arthur Aaron, men and women were put into opposite sex pairs and asked to look
Speaker:into each other's eyes for two minutes straight. These couples later reported feelings of attraction,
Speaker:affection, and even love for the people they originally met as strangers. Surprisingly,
Speaker:one of the couples even married, so the eyes are powerful communicators.
Speaker:Eye contact can create intimacy and intensity, but too much can be disastrous. Whatever you do,
Speaker:you don't want your eye contact to be inappropriate or unwelcome. Don't stare at people.
Speaker:If you're looking at them and they look away to avoid your gaze and then return their gaze and
Speaker:you're still looking at them, this will feel intrusive and even violating to them.
Speaker:In his book, The Power of Eye Contact, psychologist Michael Ellsberg explains,
Speaker:In order for eye contact to feel good, one person cannot impose his visual will on another.
Speaker:It is a shared experience. Perhaps eyes meet only for a second at first. One partner then tests
Speaker:the waters and tries a few seconds, and when that is met warmly, the pair can begin ramping up the
Speaker:eye contact together until they are locked in a beautiful dance of eyes and gazes.
Speaker:A good rule of thumb is to be brave and initiate eye contact, but after two unsuccessful attempts
Speaker:to catch their eye, stop. Be mindful of the rest of your body language and moderate yourself.
Speaker:Eye contact plus leaning back may make the intimacy a little more comfortable, whereas
Speaker:eye contact and close proximity and intense language can be overwhelming.
Speaker:Another good idea is to take frequent pauses. A little eye contact goes a long way.
Speaker:Rest your gaze elsewhere for a while. Look to the side, not down, or try career expert
Speaker:Cara Ronan's triangle technique to cut potential awkwardness. One, draw an imaginary inverted
Speaker:triangle on the other person's face around their eyes and mouth. Two, during the conversation,
Speaker:change your gaze every five to ten seconds from one point on the triangle to another.
Speaker:This will make you look interested and engrossed in the conversation without coming across as creepy.
Speaker:Power Linguistics
Speaker:As you become a more active speaker and listener, increasing your awareness of the subtle nuances
Speaker:of verbal communication can contribute significantly to the quality of the conversation you have with
Speaker:others. This awareness will also promote a deeper understanding of and connection with those around
Speaker:you. When you speak, you expose a great deal about yourself, much of which frequently has
Speaker:nothing at all to do with the words you are using. The term Power Linguistics refers to
Speaker:the study of voice tone, volume, inflection and pitch, and other components of non-verbal
Speaker:vocal communication that we've already briefly explored. Pay attention to your own voice and
Speaker:its function. It takes effort and practice to become a comfortable, conscious speaker.
Speaker:Think about how much of an impact your vocal inflection can have on the interpretation of what
Speaker:you're saying. It's possible to communicate either extreme happiness or else anger and contempt
Speaker:while using the very same words. How people deliver their words is as important as the words
Speaker:themselves. Become aware both of what you are communicating as well as what others are communicating
Speaker:with you and your powers of communication will strengthen enormously. The Four P's of Voice
Speaker:Imagine that speaking is like a train ride. Peaks and valleys are more exciting and adventurous
Speaker:while flat, unchanging terrain is not. Try to vary your speed and speak so as to include peaks,
Speaker:valleys, flat terrains and pauses. Likewise, listen to the landscape of other people's
Speaker:speech and see what it tells you about their state of mind and the message they're sharing
Speaker:beyond the words they use. One, power or projection, how loud or soft you speak.
Speaker:Modify your voice projection and speak loudly if you're addressing more people. A confident
Speaker:speaker has good projection. Low projections make listeners lean forward to listen.
Speaker:When telling a secret or wanting people to come closer to you, employ low projection.
Speaker:Two, pace. How fast or how slowly you speak. Quick speech implies nervousness, energy,
Speaker:enthusiasm, force or even fear. Slow speech can convey calmness and gravity or else be boring
Speaker:be animated and vary the speed of your speech depending on the effect you want it to have on
Speaker:others. Three, pitch high or low. Pitch conveys emotion. High pitch reflects warmth, happiness,
Speaker:surprise or excitement. Low pitch expresses power, relaxation, aggression or sadness.
Speaker:Four, pause. Quiet moments bring emphasis or allow listeners to absorb and process.
Speaker:Poor communicators think that a pause is asking to be interrupted or an admission that you forgot
Speaker:what you were saying. But skilled conversationalists know that pauses are powerful. They use them to
Speaker:add significance to their words and pace themselves, keeping their listeners on board with what
Speaker:they're saying. Advanced speakers use a pause to optimize their speech's impact on their audience.
Speaker:How to improve your vocal variety. So how do you know whether to pause or not? How do you know when
Speaker:to talk more quickly or loudly or with a higher pitch? Well, imagine that all the shades and
Speaker:nuances available in your voice are like colors in a palette. Whatever you're communicating,
Speaker:you can paint a more powerful picture for the other person if you're using a full rich palette of
Speaker:colors. Vocal variety is a little like being physically flexible and fit. It means we are
Speaker:familiar with and comfortable using the full range of our voice's potential. And like physical
Speaker:fitness, we can train this variety. Here are a few ideas. Before you socialize, literally warm up your
Speaker:vocal cords like an actor before a rehearsal. Massage your cheeks and jaw and practice saying
Speaker:mama mama and wah wah wah wah sounds or do lip trills where you forcefully blow raspberries by
Speaker:expelling a stream of air through pursed lips. This develops both breath and vocal control.
Speaker:Practice diaphragm breathing. Place one hand on your belly and one on your chest and take deep
Speaker:breaths so that only your belly hand rises. After a few breaths, see if you can speak a
Speaker:long slow sentence on one full belly breath. Play around with what it feels like to control
Speaker:this stream of air so that your voice is calm and measured. Pick a random passage of text.
Speaker:Children's storybooks are great for this. And read through the passage first in a dull monotone.
Speaker:Then read through it again, trying to add as much color as possible.
Speaker:Change your pitch, pacing, tone. Be dramatic. Interactions can be awkward at first simply
Speaker:because you're using vocal muscles that are not warmed up. Warm up this way and you'll feel more
Speaker:vocally limber when you next enter a conversation. If you find that your pitch gets uncomfortably high
Speaker:or low, or that you are often breathless or struggle to moderate volume, consider taking up
Speaker:singing to help improve your vocal mastery. Even chanting can help.
Speaker:An alternative is to take up improv classes or learn to do a little acting. When you think of
Speaker:your voice as an expressive and artistic tool, you become far more aware of its power and how you
Speaker:can use this power according to your own ends. The irony is that the better you are able to
Speaker:master and control your own voice, and the more self-awareness you have around your voice,
Speaker:the better you will become at hearing other people's voices in three dimensions.
Speaker:You'll notice the breathless or choked quality in a friend's speech and understand that they're
Speaker:nervous. You'll notice the subtle change in pitch that signals someone's rising excitement,
Speaker:and know exactly how to match them to show your synchrony and support for that excitement.
Speaker:Communication is not just vocal, but that doesn't mean that the voice isn't an extremely powerful
Speaker:and flexible tool that lets you communicate anything and everything.
Speaker:Summary
Speaker:The best mindset to adopt in order to become a better communicator is the one that will best
Speaker:allow you to connect, meet your needs, solve problems, and express yourself.
Speaker:Begin by asking yourself what your default communication style is, aggressive, passive
Speaker:aggressive, or manipulative. None of these styles actually achieves the ultimate goal of communication,
Speaker:however. The way you communicate is a choice. Assertive communication is the ability to express
Speaker:needs, wants, thoughts, and feelings directly without disrespecting or controlling others.
Speaker:Mature conversation lists are self-controlled, balanced, relaxed, open, and respectful.
Speaker:Communicating well is simple and easy, but we need to remove the formidable psychological
Speaker:barriers that stand in the way. With awareness, we can remove them and improve our communication
Speaker:skills. Barriers to good conversation include assumptions, strong negative emotions like
Speaker:anger and aggression, which inspire defensiveness, preconceived ideas and prejudice, fear, inflexibility,
Speaker:and a need to control, premature evaluation and judgment, and other negative conversational habits
Speaker:like interrupting or one-upping. Good conversation is, firstly, about the degree of concordance,
Speaker:harmony, and synchronicity between you and the person you're talking to, i.e. rapport.
Speaker:We can increase rapport by mirroring and matching both non-verbal and verbal expression.
Speaker:This can be done with internal and external cues,
Speaker:voice and language, content, and chunking style, i.e. up or down.
Speaker:When reading someone's body language, pay attention to micro expressions, their overall
Speaker:posture and orientation in space, as well as their degree of eye contact.
Speaker:Power linguistics refers to information carried in the tone, pace, pitch, etc. of the voice.
Speaker:Think in terms of overall openness or closeness, but remember that no single detail is decisive
Speaker:and conclusive, and that observations should always be compared against a baseline.
Speaker:And that's it for this episode of Social Skills Coaching. Remember, deciphering
Speaker:non-verbal cues and mirroring expressions can dramatically improve your conversations.
Speaker:For more tips and tricks on becoming a social master,
Speaker:visit Patrick King Consulting at bit.ly slash pkconsulting. Until next time, stay tuned
Speaker:for more tools to elevate your social skills.
