Charting Your Progress In Black And White

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,: 2023

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In today's episode, we have our final section from Patrick King's book stand up for Yourself Set Boundaries and Stop Pleasing Others. We've gone through the theory we've talked about, practical tips, and given some actionable items that you can employ in your own life. And now it's time to chart your. Progress in black and white. Writing down thoughts and feelings in a journal is an excellent way to get in touch with your experience, work through your options, and gain clarity—all in your own time and on your own terms. Writing is perfect for peoplepleasers because it slows everything down and lets you work through things outside of the heat of the moment. Some people read all the books and do all the exercises, but somehow in a reallife moment with another person, they instantly revert to old kneejerk peoplepleasing behaviors. Journaling is something that you can do privately, and the many tiny changes you instigate in yourself accumulate so that the next time you’re facing a potentially difficult situation, you are better equipped to manage it differently. The exercises, techniques, and mindset shifts outlined in this book are not designed to work magically overnight.

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While some of your progress will be swift and dramatic, other aspects of your tendency to peopleplease may be more stubborn and slow to change. For some, cultivating a rocksolid sense of self, good boundaries, and crystalclear communication is a life’s work and a challenge that is never really complete. Whatever the case, your journal can be a secret weapon. A journal is: •A way to slow down and get a grip on what you’re thinking and feeling •A way to track and monitor your progress—if you set goals and recognize milestones, you can see how far you’ve come •A place to explore childhood patterns, unpack core beliefs, and experiment with alternatives •A record to remind you of all the things you value, as well as affirmations, goals, dreams, and guiding values and principles What you put in your journal is entirely up to you. Almost all of the exercises discussed so far can be engaged with in written form. Get creative! You could write down an imagined dialogue between you and your inner child, or write at the top of each page an affirmation or mantra that really speaks to you. Use your journal to add structure to your meditation practice; you could start and end each session with a journal entry noting any patterns. Finally, the “separation of tasks” exercise is definitely something that benefits from pen and paper.

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Use a Journal and Be Your Own Therapist Whatever you use your journal for, remember that it’s there for you and your use only. Don’t share what you write with others, and remind yourself that you’re not trying to create something likeable or perfect or rational. A journal is a tool, like an external secondary brain that helps support your personal development. If you’re not finding it easy to get started with journaling, here are a few openended prompts to get the juices flowing. Begin with a sentence fragment and just allow yourself to write down whatever emerges, without judging or selfcensoring: I’m afraid of ______________________. Taking care of people makes me feel __________________. People love me because ________________. I wish I could admit that ____________________.

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If I’m not in control, then that means __________________. I secretly wish that _______________. The golden rule for my life is____________. Other people should ___________. What I most love about myself is ________________. If I say no, then other people will _________________. My job in life is to _____________. Everyone thinks I’m _____________.

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Right now, in this moment, I am experiencing ____________. I first felt this way ­_____________. My inner child is saying ____________. I want to say no to ___________________. As you write to some of these prompts, remember that the goal is not to find the correct answer—there isn’t one. The idea is also not to answer quickly and move on, either. These prompts are just the beginning. As you answer, notice what comes up for you.

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Notice which ones are easy to answer, which ones annoy you, and which you can’t seem to answer at all. Notice if you’re resisting or avoiding a particular question. Become curious what this means. Write to the prompt, but then keep writing. Meditate on your answer and then write some more. This is because for peoplepleasers, there may be quite a few layers of automatic answers that you think you “should” write down, but when you keep going, you discover what you genuinely think—and it may be a surprise! With accepting and nonjudgmental awareness, keep looking deeper. How to Use Affirmations Some people hate the idea of affirmations because they remind them of the cheesy 80s selfhelp that first popularized the practice. To be frank, standing in front of a mirror and saying, “Every day and in every way, I’m getting better and better,” just doesn’t feel ... true.

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However, affirmations really can be a powerful tool for boosting selfesteem, cultivating selflove, and reducing the need to peopleplease. That is, if they’re done correctly. A peoplepleaser may try to please even when there isn’t anyone around to please! Their compliance, willingness to do the right thing, and desperate need for perfection and validation can actually make them selfhelp junkies. Such a person may not be attempting to please or appeal to any particular person, but may have a vague and constant sense of what they “should” be doing. And if they discover that they have low selfesteem, this becomes yet another stick with which to beat themselves up with, and they dutifully schedule in selfcare practice and force themselves to say affirmations. And then it doesn’t work. Why? Because, again, it is selfcare that comes from a place of selfhate. Just like compassion that comes from a place of anxiety and fear, it is a contradiction in terms.

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So, even if you say, “I am worthy of love. I’m a good person,” it might mean nothing if unconsciously you are thinking, “If I can master this selflove thing, then I will finally deserve acceptance. If I can just stop being such a lame peoplepleaser, then people will finally like me. I’m going to work really, really hard at my confidence and stop being so messed up, and then everything will be okay ... ” It's just more of the same, right? The best way to use affirmations is to make your own. If you cut and paste other people’s words, you may just be substituting their perspective and intention for your own. So, how can you create your own affirmations? Well, your journal can help you. Step 1: Look for themes As you write in your journal, you’ll eventually notice certain patterns and themes emerging. Pay attention to these.

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For example, working through the exercises above and noting down your responses, you start to see that there is a pattern of you never asking for help. You explore this and discover that in childhood, your parents were so engrossed in their own problems that they always treated your needs as an annoying inconvenience. You always felt like your problems were minuscule compared to the struggles your parents had to contend with, and so you formed the belief that, “I don’t matter and my problems don’t matter. My concerns are silly and irrelevant." You then notice that this belief shows up everywhere in adult life. In order to please others and get them to like you, you pretend to be happier than you are and fake coping. You never reveal the truth or show vulnerability. Consequently, you suffer alone, thinking that your problems are not worth anyone’s time or attention.

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Step 2: Condense these themes Try to capture certain ideas, thoughts, feelings, assumptions, and beliefs and represent them simply. You could write a sentence or even flesh out an image or symbol in your mind’s eye. In our example, maybe you settle on the image of a giant restaurant called Life, where everyone is seated and enjoying their meal, but you are the eternal waitress, serving meals while you go hungry. Or you may outline this feeling in a single core belief or “life rule”—“My needs are not important, and to have them is an unfair burden on other people, who might abandon me as a result." Step 3: Invert Everyone is unique in how they experience low selfesteem, anxiety, or the need to peopleplease. Everyone has had different childhood experiences and different assumptions, expectations, and beliefs about themselves and the world. This is one of the reasons other people’s affirmations don’t always work—they don’t always speak to your unique condition. Once you’ve identified your own unique and recurring peoplepleasing patterns, however, you can consciously invert them.

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For example, we could invert the following: “My needs are not important, and to have them is an unfair burden on other people, who might abandon me as a result." One possible inversion is to say: “My needs are as important as everyone else’s. Truthfully expressing my needs will not harm anyone. The people who love me will want to help if they know I need it." Or you could imagine that instead of Life being a demanding and busy restaurant, it’s a warm home where a loving family is sitting down to a shared meal. Everyone helps cook, and everyone eats together. Everyone is entitled to eat what they need and enjoy it, knowing that them doing so doesn’t cost anyone else a thing. Asking for your needs to be met is as simple as saying, “Pass the salt, please."

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Going through these three steps needn’t take very long. You’ll arrive at tailormade affirmations and counterbeliefs that most directly challenge your old patterns of thinking and feeling. These are the kind of affirmations that will never feel cheesy or forced. That said, here are a few ideas that do tend to speak to those wrestling with the peoplepleasing habit. Try to take the following and adjust or adapt them to make them your own: •I am enough. What I do is good enough. •Giving is good. Receiving is also good.

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•My feelings are valid. •I don’t owe other people a solution to their problems. •Peoplepleasing is just something I do; it is not who I am or always will be. •I don’t need to be perfect or have all the answers. •I am not in charge of other people, and they are not in charge of me. •It’s okay not to focus on other people one hundred percent of the time. •I can choose. •I am resilient.

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Other people’s rejection, judgment, or expectation doesn’t define me. •It is not possible to completely avoid all conflict. •I don’t have to do things for people to win their love. •Mature adults love one another because they want to. Relationships are not transactions. •It’s normal to ask for help, and people around me enjoy making me happy. •People have the right to ask; I have the right to refuse. •I choose to relax.

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•I am a worthy human being even if I’m not always “nice." •I am sufficient just as I am. •Other people’s feelings are other people’s feelings. Managing them is not my job. There has been quite a lot of material covered in this book. Some of it will have applied to you, and some of it not. But if you can do the legwork and arrive at your own personal, condensed lessons (i.e., affirmations), you give yourself a special shortcut to hold on to once you’re finished reading. Every time you open your journal and quickly read your affirmation or remind yourself of a particular symbol or image, you are strengthening new thought patterns.

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Eventually, you may find that these ideas start to sink in, and you begin to believe them. You may look back on the early pages of your journal and compare them to the current ones, seeing how bit by bit, you have transformed your perspective. In daily conversations or situations, you may find you no longer need to consciously remind yourself of the affirmation; instead, you catch yourself behaving as though it’s already true. Perhaps you automatically say no to an unreasonable request, not because you know that you “should,” but because it feels like the most natural thing in the world to do ... for a person who loves themselves. Good luck on your journey, wherever you are, and trust that reaching this point of calm, confident integrity is closer than you think. Takeaways: •A journal can be a recovering peoplepleaser’s most powerful selfhelp tool. It slows your thoughts, keeps track of your progress, and helps you uncover patterns as well as develop your values and goals. Use writing prompts to guide selfexploration without judgment.

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•Recurrent themes will emerge over time, and these can be inverted to create your own affirmations. These become like useful shortcuts to guide and shape your journey to healthier boundaries, better communication, and stronger selfidentity. thanks for joining me for. This episode of Social Skills Coaching. Remember that you can join our author's email list@pkconsulting.com and get more tips and tricks on how to become more likable, more charismatic and more productive. We leave you today with a birthday quote from Leslie Lawson, more widely known as the actress Twiggy. Being young isn't about age, it's about being a free spiritual.