Bad Communication Habits To Avoid
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00:03:17.360 Constantly Interrupting
00:05:38.100 Using Qualifiers
00:06:53.900 Equating Your Experiences
00:08:02.139 Floundering
00:09:13.940 Waiting Instead of Listening
00:13:42.170 The Rapport Game
00:15:09.470 Mirroring and Matching
00:18:48.220 Way 1: Match and Mirror External Communication Cues
00:21:06.070 Way 2: Match and Mirror Voice and Language
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Transcript
Hello listeners, welcome to Social Skills Coaching, where you become more likeable,
Speaker:more charismatic and more productive.
Speaker:Today is March 13, 2024.
Speaker:We're diving into another section of Patrick King's Conversation Skills training today,
Speaker:focusing on bad communication habits to avoid.
Speaker:Are you curious how it works?
Speaker:Tune in to learn how this simple strategy can create strong connections and leave a
Speaker:lasting impression.
Speaker:For more tips on effective communication, check out Patrick King's book or visit his
Speaker:website at bit.ly-pk-consulting.
Speaker:Let's get started.
Speaker:After Bad Communication Habits To Avoid Maybe you read the previous descriptions
Speaker:of barriers to communication and thought it all sounded a little serious.
Speaker:Perhaps you are simply looking for ways to improve everyday conversation and not necessarily
Speaker:become a master at juggling the deep and meaningful stuff.
Speaker:However, even if you are, on the whole, a flexible, open-minded and non-judgmental communicator,
Speaker:you may still fall into the common habitual conversational traps that plague the best of
Speaker:us.
Speaker:That's because the biggest barrier to excellent communication is all those small, mindless,
Speaker:and automatic acts that erode trust and connection.
Speaker:Granted, these conversational habits don't mean that you have psychological issues with
Speaker:prejudice or a deep-seated need for control, but, in a way, knee-jerk habits like these
Speaker:are worse because they are usually invisible, unconscious, and may even be encouraged by
Speaker:your general environment.
Speaker:Before we take an earnest look at what we should be doing to become better communicators,
Speaker:let's explore a few more things not to do.
Speaker:Human life is largely comprised of conversations.
Speaker:Every relationship, every human interaction, every job, everything, at some point, requires
Speaker:you to encounter and engage with another human being.
Speaker:And whether you fancy yourself a world-class communicator or would sooner send an email
Speaker:than deal with face-to-face discussion, chances are you have at least a few terrible communication
Speaker:habits that drive people nuts, yes, even you.
Speaker:Now the following habits won't cause major blowouts or serious miscommunication, and
Speaker:they're not the end of the world, but they're good, low-hanging fruit to begin with as we
Speaker:embark on sharpening our communication skills.
Speaker:Constantly interrupting
Speaker:Maybe you interrupt because you're excited by what the other person just said.
Speaker:You simply have to interject and say your thing.
Speaker:Maybe you interrupt because unconsciously you think that what you have to say is more
Speaker:urgent or more important.
Speaker:Maybe you're doing it because you're rushing the conversation along, having already jumped
Speaker:to conclusions about what the other person means and made your judgments about it.
Speaker:In any case, it doesn't matter why you do it, only that it makes the other person feel
Speaker:awful.
Speaker:It's understandable, you want to be heard, but so do they.
Speaker:Take it a step further and don't even think about interrupting.
Speaker:You know what this means.
Speaker:When you are suddenly more interested in your own response to what's being said than listening
Speaker:to what's being said, it shows.
Speaker:The other person can tell that your attention has suddenly moved inward and you are preparing
Speaker:a response.
Speaker:A good habit is this.
Speaker:After someone stops speaking, pause, and count slowly to three in your head.
Speaker:This sends the message, I'm here, I'm paying attention, and I care about what you have
Speaker:to say, and let's the other person know they don't have to rush to get a word in and that
Speaker:you are respectful enough to pause to process what they're saying.
Speaker:Multitasking A conversation merits more than the few
Speaker:glances you can muster when you finally tear your eyes away from your iPhone.
Speaker:We are probably all guilty of the practice of multitasking, at least occasionally.
Speaker:No matter how insignificant or pointless your interactions may appear, you must be there
Speaker:for them.
Speaker:In other words, you can't mindlessly check your phone or run through your grocery list.
Speaker:Pay close attention to the people you're talking to.
Speaker:Qualifiers Not to be rude or offensive, but this could
Speaker:be a horrible idea, but I know what you're thinking, but...
Speaker:Qualifiers, i.e., little expressions said before or after a statement with the intention
Speaker:of softening or mitigating that statement, certainly have their place.
Speaker:Overusing them, though, can be pretty annoying.
Speaker:Why?
Speaker:In the right circumstances, they can come across as condescending and unneeded.
Speaker:Remember the manipulative communication style?
Speaker:Nobody wants to feel like they're being managed or handled.
Speaker:If you go to great lengths to use qualifiers, it may stir up feelings of mistrust in your
Speaker:listener, who could wonder why you're not just being direct.
Speaker:Remind yourself that the word but is kind of magical.
Speaker:People tend to discount everything that came before that word.
Speaker:It's yet another barrier, albeit one that is mostly just annoying.
Speaker:Equating Your Experiences
Speaker:In Chapter 4, we'll look more closely at mastering the emotional aspects of effective communication.
Speaker:But for now, it's enough to banish this single, meaningless phrase from your repertoire.
Speaker:I know exactly how you feel.
Speaker:It's even worse if you then proceed to tell a lengthy story about a time when you've felt
Speaker:similarly, despite the fact that the two situations are completely dissimilar.
Speaker:Keep in mind that every person's journey is unique.
Speaker:It's good that you're making an effort to be empathetic, but think about it from the
Speaker:other side.
Speaker:Has hearing about someone else's hard time ever made you feel less unhappy about your
Speaker:own troubles?
Speaker:Probably not.
Speaker:Whether you can understand another person's experiences or not is irrelevant.
Speaker:Almost always it will not feel good for them to hear it.
Speaker:Floundering We've all encountered people who ramble on
Speaker:without a point, as though they like the sound of their own voices.
Speaker:If you have a tendency to do this yourself, constantly try to remember how mind-numbing
Speaker:it is to be on the receiving end.
Speaker:Floundering and waffling on and on is usually a bad habit we get into when we're nervous
Speaker:or unconsciously afraid that something bad will happen, unless we keep performing and
Speaker:filling the silence.
Speaker:But like every other poor communication strategy listed here, it doesn't work.
Speaker:The more we talk, the less people listen.
Speaker:Think carefully, say what you need to say, and be straightforward and succinct when you
Speaker:talk.
Speaker:Have faith that you've been heard, and if you haven't been heard, just let it go, because
Speaker:it's likely that you would not have convinced anyone to care or understand simply by going
Speaker:on ad nauseam.
Speaker:Waiting Instead of Listening Everyone knows they should be a good listener.
Speaker:To be honest, most of us are better at acting the role of good listener than actually being
Speaker:one.
Speaker:Rather than listening with all our attention to what we're told, we're really just waiting
Speaker:our turn.
Speaker:Of course, we might be listening with an agenda, discarding what doesn't fit the agenda, hearing
Speaker:what we like, and spending the next few minutes drafting a witty response, just as soon as
Speaker:the other person stops talking.
Speaker:If this is a bad habit to break, remind yourself of the fact that people can usually tell when
Speaker:you're not listening.
Speaker:It's not easy to hide, and it makes you appear selfish, disinterested, and unkind.
Speaker:Fluff and filler words Padding out your speech with filler words may be more or less acceptable,
Speaker:depending on your age, culture, and social situation, but it's almost always better
Speaker:to avoid it entirely.
Speaker:F filler words are things like um, ah, okay, like, you know, you see, uh, right, kinda,
Speaker:so actually, er, hmm, and so on.
Speaker:You may in fact have your own personal verbal tick.
Speaker:For example, some people have a strange habit of ending every sentence with a dangling, so
Speaker:that doesn't go anywhere.
Speaker:Others will liberally sprinkle like or um everywhere, still, others will have overused
Speaker:turns of phrase that add nothing at all to the message.
Speaker:For example, the woman who ends every simple phrase with, if that makes sense, or the guy
Speaker:who cannot open his mouth without saying, yeah, well, try this challenge for yourself.
Speaker:Once you've identified your own pet filler words, try to consciously replace them with
Speaker:plain old silence.
Speaker:Just say nothing and pause until you can say something that isn't a filler word.
Speaker:If you can be mindful enough to do this in the moment, you may be surprised at just how
Speaker:polished and put together you come across.
Speaker:You don't have to say anything profound, just remove the filler words and you automatically
Speaker:seem more self-assured, authoritative, and sophisticated.
Speaker:Note of course that if you deliberately don't want to appear that way, then ignore this advice.
Speaker:So interrupting, being distracted, trying to make every conversation about you all these
Speaker:smaller conversation killing habits are actually expressions of one deeper, bigger problem,
Speaker:conversational narcissism.
Speaker:We are all guilty of this to some extent.
Speaker:A conversation is about two people.
Speaker:Even beyond that, a good conversation is one where both people have actively participated
Speaker:and both have connected with one another.
Speaker:That simply means that to the extent you are focusing only on yourself, the conversation
Speaker:will be lacking somehow.
Speaker:The more you can focus on the other person, the better the conversation will be.
Speaker:This realization seems pretty obvious on the face of it.
Speaker:Look around and you'll notice that almost all cases of miscommunication or failed connection
Speaker:come from, in one way or another, conversational narcissism.
Speaker:Whether the obstacles are psychological, behavioral, or just bad habits we've fallen
Speaker:into, if they put us at the center and cause us to forget the other person and their perspective,
Speaker:then our communication will never be everything it has the potential to be.
Speaker:The Report Game Imagine you're sitting across the street from
Speaker:a cafe and watching three tables, each with two people having a conversation.
Speaker:At table A, both people are leaning in together, seemingly mocking, seemingly mimicking one
Speaker:another's facial expressions and hand gestures, while at table B, the people talking are looking
Speaker:very serious and low energy.
Speaker:But they've both leaned back in their chairs and, just like table A, seem to me mirroring
Speaker:one another's behavior.
Speaker:Table C is different.
Speaker:One person is seemingly excited and smiling, while the other is calmer, speaking less,
Speaker:and adopting a completely different posture and facial expression.
Speaker:Not knowing anything about the content of the conversation, you can probably tell, even
Speaker:from afar, which conversations are going well and which one isn't.
Speaker:That's because at its most fundamental, good communication is not about the words you say,
Speaker:but the degree of concordance, harmony, and synchronicity between you and the person you're
Speaker:talking to.
Speaker:So this is exactly our next pit stop on our journey to becoming better communicators.
Speaker:Mirroring and matching.
Speaker:Have you ever actually wondered what chemistry is?
Speaker:That fizzle of energy and connection between two people is something that's difficult to
Speaker:describe, but you definitely know it when you feel it.
Speaker:However mysterious it feels, this chemistry is actually well explained as an evolutionary
Speaker:adaptation that has helped our species bond, connect, and establish trust, even before we
Speaker:developed verbal language.
Speaker:Mirroring and matching doesn't need much explanation.
Speaker:You've seen it with your own eyes.
Speaker:When we match and mirror, we mimic not just what others say, but how they say it, the
Speaker:words they use, their accents, turns of phrase, gestures, posture, voice tone, pitch and volume,
Speaker:and facial expressions.
Speaker:Here's the thing.
Speaker:We all instinctively know how to mirror and match.
Speaker:It's just that the more charismatic among us know how to do it deliberately.
Speaker:In the 1970s, Richard Bandler and John Grinder introduced a communication theory called Neuro-Linguist
Speaker:programing, an LP.
Speaker:They claim that most people tend to feel happier and more comfortable around those who are
Speaker:similar to them, even if this recognition of similarity is largely unconscious.
Speaker:Have you ever noticed two people get together for the first time and immediately start to
Speaker:look for things in common between them?
Speaker:They may smile as they both realize they grew up in the same area, or like the same
Speaker:shows when they were kids, or both indirectly know the same people.
Speaker:As they do this, they may start to reflect and mimic one another, matching the other's
Speaker:tone of voice, hand movements, and other idiosyncrasies.
Speaker:It's as though the more similar we feel to the person in front of us, the more we feel
Speaker:that they can hear and understand us, and the more we trust and like them.
Speaker:Fearing is copying and reflecting a behavior in the same moment.
Speaker:So they smile and you smile.
Speaker:They whisper, and so do you.
Speaker:Done right, it creates feelings of harmony and synchrony, like you're both doing a coordinated
Speaker:dance in time with one another.
Speaker:Matching is copying and reflecting, but not necessarily at the same time, so perhaps they
Speaker:use an unusual or noteworthy turn of phrase, which you remember and return to later in
Speaker:the conversation.
Speaker:Almost literally communicating, I speak the same language as you.
Speaker:The wonderful thing is that mirroring and matching can create strong feelings of harmony
Speaker:and connection, even without you saying a word.
Speaker:It's difficult to estimate just how much communication is nonverbal, but it's clear
Speaker:that the proportion is significant.
Speaker:Whether you're meeting someone new, talking to an old friend, or trying to navigate a
Speaker:prickly conflict, matching and mirroring is a great skill to master, since it always
Speaker:gives you a solid base on which to build.
Speaker:There are three main ways to build rapport by using matching and mirroring.
Speaker:Way one, match and mirror external communication cues.
Speaker:Body language and nonverbal communication are prior to verbal communication.
Speaker:If you adopt the same posture as the person in front of you, you duplicate their experience
Speaker:in your own body and can understand more about their position, literally.
Speaker:You also communicate that you're on the same wavelength and will create feelings of being
Speaker:in sync.
Speaker:In conversation, simply notice how open or closed body language as a whole seems.
Speaker:Look for tension, crossed arms, hunched posture, closed fists, frowning, or relaxation, open
Speaker:arms, expressive hands, legs uncrossed.
Speaker:Without aping them very obviously, try to match this degree of openness or closeness.
Speaker:Next, notice gestures, i.e., body postures in motion.
Speaker:Are they moving quickly or slowly?
Speaker:Are they graceful and flowing?
Speaker:Or sharp and staccato?
Speaker:Wide and expansive, fidgety, protective, restrained?
Speaker:How do the gestures line up with everything else in the conversation?
Speaker:Match and mirror this.
Speaker:You can also match and mirror facial expressions.
Speaker:In fact, you might find you do this automatically just by paying close attention to the other
Speaker:person.
Speaker:You could focus on just one most notable aspect, for example, the eyebrows or corners of the
Speaker:mouth.
Speaker:Again, see if you can match the position, movement, and degree of openness or closeness
Speaker:here, especially at points in the conversation when emotional content is being communicated.
Speaker:You could say, I know how you feel, but when your facial expression matches theirs, you're
Speaker:doing something more powerful.
Speaker:You're showing that you understand what they mean.
Speaker:Way to?
Speaker:Match and mirror voice and language.
Speaker:This is a rich area to tap.
Speaker:Consider all the aspects of the voice that have nothing to do with the words used.
Speaker:Tone, rate, or speed, volume, both loudness and simply the amount of speech, pitch, how
Speaker:high or low, pace, inflection, and modulation.
Speaker:How you deliver your sentences and the flow of speech, for example, with lots of variation
Speaker:or with the steady, even monotone.
Speaker:You can match and mirror on any of the five above aspects, or potentially all of them.
Speaker:The key, however, is to do it subtly and naturally.
Speaker:For example, if the person you're speaking to is talking quickly, fast rate, speaking
Speaker:quite loudly, high volume, and in a high pitch, and talking with an excitable and highly
Speaker:inflected tone, then you can signal your empathy and understanding of their frame of mind by
Speaker:mimicking some of this yourself.
Speaker:You could subtly raise your own pitch, talking a little louder than you ordinarily would,
Speaker:and mirror that excitement back at them.
Speaker:Overall, you're attempting to match the energy of what they're communicating.
Speaker:Just remember that the voice is a part of the body, so every aspect of the voice is
Speaker:essentially body language.
Speaker:One thing you might not have considered is what communication experts call sensory predicates.
Speaker:Basically these are systems of meaning that we use to explain our experiences.
Speaker:We each have a system, whether we're aware of it or not, i.e., we might favor descriptions
Speaker:and explanations that are visual, auditory, kinesthetic, feeling, auditory digital.
Speaker:A few examples will show how sensory predicates play out in real life.
Speaker:A visual predicate, for example, uses language, symbolism, and metaphors that are based in
Speaker:the physiology of sight.
Speaker:So you might pepper your speech with terms like, picture this, look, view, bright, reveal,
Speaker:short-sighted, paint a picture, I can see, clear, dim, etc.
Speaker:Similarly, more auditory to do with sound predicates will include phrases like, listen, tell,
Speaker:clear as a bell, on the same frequency, lend me your ears, strike a note, loud and clear, etc.
Speaker:Kinesthetic and feeling predicates may overlap somewhat and mix both meanings of the word
Speaker:feel.
Speaker:For example, I'm touched, concrete, solid, hot and bothered, get in touch, handhold, grasp,
Speaker:make contact, etc.
Speaker:So-called auditory digital predicates are more focused on the cognitive experience of
Speaker:the world.
Speaker:For example, with terms like, understand, know, think, process, figure it out, pay attention,
Speaker:wonder, etc.
Speaker:The point of understanding the predicates someone uses is so that you can match and
Speaker:mirror these, too.
Speaker:The result can be an instant connection of feeling and rapport.
Speaker:For example, if someone consistently uses visual predicates, they may say, I like the
Speaker:look of this idea, you've painted such a clear picture of the most important goals.
Speaker:If you pick up on this, you can continue and expand the visual metaphors, or include your
Speaker:own by later saying something like, I see what you mean, I'm glad we're focusing on
Speaker:the same vision here.
Speaker:Now this might not seem like much, but it's a powerful way to unconsciously signal that
Speaker:you speak the same language, and even more than this, inhabit the same perceptual world
Speaker:as the other person.
Speaker:If you're not entirely clear which kind of predicate the person is using, it's no big
Speaker:deal.
Speaker:Simply prick your ears.
Speaker:Use an auditory one to the kinds of metaphors they use, and repeat or expand on them, rather
Speaker:than abruptly switching to a different metaphor.
Speaker:So now you know, ditch the I know exactly how you feel, and start mirroring and matching.
Speaker:It's a powerful tool for building connection, and remember, good communication is about
Speaker:showing you understand, not just saying it.
Speaker:Thanks for joining us on Social Skills Coaching, we'll see you next Wednesday.
