Anatomy Of A Good Question

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Welcome to Social Skills Coaching, where you become more likeable, more charismatic and more productive. I'm your host, Russell, and today is Tuesday, November 28th. As Patrick King writes in his book, The Power of EQ, effective questioning is a crucial skill for building rapport, enhancing understanding, and navigating social situations with ease. In this episode, we'll explore the principles of high-quality questioning and how to apply them in your daily interactions. It isn't about just asking questions, it's about asking the right questions in the right way. For more insights and resources, you can visit the author's website at bitly-slash-pk-consulting. And now, let's get started with the power of high-quality questioning. By now we know that asking questions is good—but not all questions are created equal.

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Have you ever been in a conversation where the other person just bombarded you with one question after another? Think carefully about why that situation likely did not leave you feeling heard and empathized with. Chances are, it’s because the questions were not targeted, responsive, and appropriate. They were not high-quality questions! In this chapter we’ll look at exactly how to use questions to ramp up a sense of empathy in conversations, rather than come across as a nosy interrogator. Emotionally intelligent people use questions strategically, as very specific and fine-tuned tools in their mission to create rapport and demonstrate empathy. While it’s usually better to ask a question than to make a statement, there is a wrong way to go about it. Knowing what we know about emotions, labeling, and validation, let’s take a look at how to do it right.

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Anatomy of a Good Question A good question is focused on understanding, not judgment. Take a look at these questions: 1. “What would you say was the main reason for sending the kids to daycare?" 2. “So why did you decide not to take care of your own children?" 3. “How have you found the new daycare—is it what you expected?" You can probably see which question comes laced with judgment! Asking a question that comes from a place of judgment might be deliberate, or it may be completely unconscious. Whichever it is, you can expect the other person to respond defensively. If we’re being honest with ourselves, sometimes we ask questions in a loaded way, and it may be an underhanded attempt to communicate what we really feel...without appearing to do so.

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Always ask about the assumptions and beliefs implied in your question. Are these assumptions and beliefs helping or hindering? Question 2 is an extremely low-quality question because it is establishing a frame of reference that deliberately, aggressively places the other person in the wrong—the only reasonable response is for them to push back, and so rapport and connection are instantly damaged. Instead, ask questions that genuinely seek to understand, rather than force someone into a pre-existing model of the universe that you are bringing to the table. A Good Quality Question Is Open-Ended. Question 3 above is a better bet for many reasons, particularly because it is open-ended. It makes no assumptions at all about how the other person might answer, and does not rig the playing field in the way it’s asked (for example, “Are you finding it a relief to have your days to yourself again?”). Good open-ended questions respect the other person’s ability to answer as they see fit, rather than choose from some artificially narrow selection of responses you’ve offered them.

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You learn more, and they can take the conversation where they want it to go—you may be pleasantly surprised by what you discover when you let go of the idea that you already know everything! Low-quality question: “Are you back at the university now?" (Possible answers are yes or no). Average question: “Are you enjoying the university?" (A little more open; room to elaborate). High-quality question: “What’s your university course like?" (Answer can be literally anything!). Closed questions (i.e., those that have a single word for an answer) are not wrong, but it’s generally better to begin with open-ended ones and work your way to more specificity.

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Mix it up. Try a few broad, abstract questions and let the topic run free, and then drill down with more targeted, closed questions to find out details of when, where, how, who, etc. The important thing is not to hem in your conversation partner! High-Quality Questions Actively Follow Up. As you’re talking to someone, you want them to get the sense that you are listening to what they’re saying, remembering it, and consciously synthesizing it all into some bigger picture (and you want them to think this because, well, you’re actually doing it!). If you only ask a stream of completely disconnected and unrelated questions, and if you don’t even remember the answers to these questions, you’re not going to be creating this feeling. Follow-up questions show people that you’re listening actively and with intent. You’re not just a passive sounding board, but are processing the meaning of what they’re saying.

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When you ask a question that relates to what you’ve been told—and especially if it encourages them to think more deeply about the topic—then you are showing a certain respect and consideration for their message. Imagine a good conversation as a way to “think together." You help the other person articulate their perspective. You ask questions that go somewhere, and offer thoughtful and appropriate responses to what you’ve already been told. Allow others to think more deeply about what you are asking them, and help them articulate the thinking behind their perspectives. In other words, good questions mean something. They’re interactive, and they’re a living, logical part of the conversational flow. If someone is telling you all about their complicated family history and how their great-great-grandparents were struggling immigrants, you might listen closely and ask a thoughtful question, such as “How do you think all of that influences your own sense of identity today?"

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A far less responsive question would be something unconnected, like “So did they come by boat, then?" This second question is not picking up on the emotional content of what is being shared, and not contributing much to the overall flow of meaning. High-Quality Questions Use Paraphrasing. One way in which it actually is useful to ask a closed question is if you’re paraphrasing what you’re told and reflecting the message. By doing so, you show the other person you have heard and processed the message. Offering a little summary or conclusion in your own words really shows that you’ve taken on board what they’ve said—not just the words themselves, but the meaning behind the words. So, they might be talking about anxieties they have, and you ask a question about their “worries” or “concerns." The meaning is intact; you’re just expressing it with different synonyms.

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Using a closed question could look like: “So do you think you’re most concerned about the budget right now?” or “Seems like you’re worried about the money side of things. Have I got that right?" Such questions are not gathering more information so much as acting like a supportive, encouraging response that says “I’m listening. I understand." High-Quality Questions Are Balanced With Self-Revelation. No one wants to be the only one sharing information about themselves. It’s always more comfortable when everyone in a conversation is equally contributing something of themselves. Your goal should be to balance asking and telling.

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This creates a feeling of psychological safety and fairness. Often, people will give you a signal when they feel like they’ve talked about themselves too much and are trying to shift focus onto someone or something else: “Anyway, enough about me ... ” or “What about you?" Respect these signals and don’t continue pry. As far as you can, try to match their level of sharing—people will trust you more if they sense that you are not demanding they be emotionally vulnerable when you are unwilling to do the same! Questions You Should Never Ask Some questions are big no-nos no matter how tactfully you phrase them. How’s the job hunt going? Do you have a job yet? When are you getting a job?

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(Or worse, when are you getting a real job?) Instead ask: “What projects are you working on these days?" “What’s inspiring you at the moment?" “I’d love to hear more about your work." It’s always easier to talk about people’s aspirations, dreams, and passions, and not just what they’re doing to earn money. There are too many hot buttons you might accidentally press. If you’d like, avoid work talk entirely and focus on what the person is interested in, their skills, hobbies, achievements, etc. When are you having kids?

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Are you having (more) kids? Why aren’t you having kids? Another obvious danger zone, but unfortunately still culturally sanctioned for many of us. The trouble is that you may judge others inadvertently when you don’t imagine that they have completely different life circumstances, values, goals, timelines, finances, etc. than you do. Having children is a remarkably common life experience, and so people feel comfortable talking about it—not realizing that how people make this life-changing decision is deeply unique and personal. The bottom line is it’s not your business. As far as possible, avoid these questions altogether unless the other person brings the topic up themselves. Be careful, too, about your own assumptions creeping in when you make statements, even if they seem obvious and neutral to you.

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You may risk alienating others if you assume everyone shares the same worldview: “Oh, we had a pregnancy scare last year, which obviously would have been the end of the world—thank God we avoided that!" Have you gained weight? Have you lost weight? How much do you weigh? OR But why don’t you eat meat/wheat/peanuts/whatever? Why aren’t you eating? Why are you eating that? The same thing applies to this kind of question.

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Body image is a minefield, and it’s best to avoid it completely. Don’t assume that a compliment about weight will always be received in the same way you would receive it. Appearance-based remarks in general can be very divisive, as can comments about food and eating. Diet talk can be an enormous trigger for some, but you don’t have to have disordered eating to alienate people who don’t share your food philosophies. If you want to compliment someone, steer clear of physical characteristics (which they usually can’t control) and focus on objective actions (which they can) or attributes you already know they’re proud of. For example: “I love how creative you are." “What a great suggestion you made." “I really appreciate you volunteering to help.

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It’s made such a difference." Why aren’t you married (yet)? Are you dating/single? How much judgment and assumption in that little word “yet”! Try not to ask questions that will make people feel they need to explain themselves to you (or worse, apologize for not doing what they supposedly should). These kinds of questions have long been associated with nosy relatives who mean well, but their effect is almost always to create hostility and defensiveness. Instead of quizzing people about their relationship choices, circumstances, timelines, or goals, try to show genuine interest in whatever is actually going on in their lives at that moment. “I’d love to hear more about the people in your life."

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“Have you met any interesting people recently?" “How did you both meet?" How much do you earn? How much did you pay for your car/home/whatever? How much debt do you have? Money is a taboo subject and for good reason. The best way forward is just to ignore it completely. There are almost no situations in life where knowing someone’s precise financial situation is necessary.

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What’s more, you need to be careful that your own attitudes, beliefs, and assumptions around work and money don’t seep in and create potential awkwardness or discomfort. If you casually say “Oh, why don’t you just get a taxi to the airport?" without awareness of the fact that this could cost someone hundreds of dollars that they can’t afford, you’ll damage trust and connection and make them feel bad. In the same way, if you’re virtuously announcing how little you spend on secondhand goods and subtly shaming anyone who spends a lot on luxury items, you’re doing the same thing, only in the other direction. It’s better to just avoid mentioning the cost of things at all, or your opinion about what counts as expensive or cheap—you could cause offense without ever knowing it! Chapter Summary: •High-quality questions are targeted, focused on understanding and not judgment, open-ended, and tend to paraphrase and connect to what has already been said. Balance questions with your own self-revelation. Remember what people say and follow up with thoughtful questions that show that you’ve truly heard and processed the message.

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y Gordon, born on this day in: 1929